Owls and Orchids

image from http://www.encyclopedia.com     Robin Williams in Bicentennial Man.

April 12th

I’ve been missing for a while. The urge to write has never left me, even when I’ve been frantically busy. At least in my fevered imagination I’ve been frantically busy.  The nature of the human mind is to see things differently when we don’t like the reality we do see. It’s the way we protect ourselves from the unpleasantness we visit or have visited upon ourselves.

You see, I’m a little concerned. In seven short days I finally see my doctor and have the results of all my tests laid out in graphic detail. I have waited for nearly two months to find out, so it’s had a while to work its insidious worrisome thoughts on me. You might think the wait would be good, and in one sense it is, if I didn’t know what part of the result was going to be. I have Lyme disease. Apart from the confirmation from the blood test I have all the other signs and symptoms, and Lyme disease does not travel alone.

For the past two months I have watched and read my friends reports on how the treatment for this horrible disease has been attacking her body and wondering if I will face the same. I’m not sure I have her strength of will or her depth of faith, but I know I do not have her extended support group of family, friends and supporters, and this, well, this is causing me some angst.

I am so very fortunate to have a wonderful husband who is holding my hand each step of the way, but I wish I had her faith to fall back on. I know it has helped her enormously and I fear what its lack will do to me. It could be the final “straw to break the camels back” so to speak. At the least it may make my journey vastly different, but then by its very nature it has to be.

After a search of several months, we managed to finally find somewhere we wanted to move to. The frenetic behaviour began after that at the beginning of April, not that the previous months had been laid back. Searching for a house is not an easy task when you have a list a mile long and it MUST have all these things for it to work out ‘just right’.  I will admit that half of the list comprised the things I wanted, and the other half belonged to  – my other half! At the end of the day, and the search, we had found a place which ticked most of the boxes. Sometimes that is all you can ask for.

So, in the midst of the zillion of boxes, the USB cable for my camera is carefully hidden away, hence no pictures today of my new home.

The bedroom, the least chaos ruled room.

We are currently watching the weather as darkness drops, waiting for another front to come through and dump torrential rain for a time on us.

And the rain came down.

So far we have spent most of the day going round in fruitless circles, first opening windows to let the air in and then dashing madly round closing them again as the rain pelts through the open windows. I have some really awesome photos of the weather rolling through, but that’s a teaser until I can find the cable. (Cable found, pictures now available! Yippee!

So, I feel somewhat like a tortured pretzel, back bent and twisted and I can neither stand straight or sit down – without pain. I have developed a curious habit of bumping into everything, whether it is in my line of travel or not, things simply jump out at me. The last thing I attempted to pick up promptly dropped me head first to the floor! Quite an acrobatic feat I would have cheerfully passed on. In short, succinct words – I’m totally useless and in the way at the moment, so all I have to occupy myself is to fret over what I’m going to hear in one week.  I haven’t even been able to type because there hasn’t been a place to “set a spell”.

So, I’m tired, grumpy, generally miserable and useless, and have this teeny gnawing feeling in the pit of my belly when my thoughts turn to doctors and Lyme disease and the other nasties that can come with it. I’m telling myself it’s normal to feel this way, I’m simply acting like anyone else. I’m Human, I have “feet of clay” and I’m doing pretty much what is expected and accepted, (except by me, so I have some work to do there).

With no pun intended, I will keep you posted.