Owls and Orchids

image from http://www.yessy.com

“Wolf is the Grand Teacher. Wolf is the sage, who after many winters upon the sacred path and seeking the ways of wisdom, returns to share new knowledge with the tribe. Wolf is both the radical and the traditional in the same breath. When the Wolf walks by you-you will remember.” -Robert Ghost Wolf

There is something almost primeval about the image so often portrayed of the wolf.  They are seen as killers, evil and to be hated and killed by man.  Why?  Mainly because man wants the territory wolves have always roamed in. They bring their cattle and sheep into the wolves hunting territory and then hunt them down for seeing prey walking by when they are hungry. Who is right? Man, for we need our land under cultivation and rearing our livestock, or the wolf, who us simply doing as he has for centuries when forced into ever smaller areas where he can roam freely.  I’m sure everyone would have an opinion, depending on their particular view in life.

image from http://www.worldlandtrust.org

 I have always been a relatively shy person. OK  a very shy person and it took an awfully long time for me to be able to speak up for myself at all. Even then I felt, and still do at times, feel very self-conscious talking about myself. It never felt quite safe to share too much personal information. It was almost like a grand Hitchcock drama where small clues were shared and if anyone came close to the truth then the next tidbit was a deflection away from sensitive areas.

I’ve spent a long time wondering why this happened. I was never very athletic which most of the popular kids were. I was never the smartest kid in class but I worked hard to make sure I did well. Let’s face it, with a negligible crowd of friends I had little else to do with my time except read and study. My dog was my best friend, for many years he felt like my only friend. At least I never had to worry about him stabbing me in the back!

I thought I would “grow out of it”, but sadly it didn’t happen. Lots of things contributed to it and I hid it very well. It’s amazing what can be hidden with a mask of make up and all the right lines to say. Why did I hold them at bay? I didn’t want to be hurt again, and yes, I had been hurt many times before I built a hard carapace to protect me.

image from http://www.dreamstime.com

Of course it doesn’t always work quite the way you expect. Every so often something happens to get under your guard and you find yourself exposed.

I found myself in a quandary. As a spiritual person I needed to be open to my surroundings, to other people, to the world at large and to spirit. It is impossible to do this and remain hidden behind a shell. Yet the more I came out from my shell the more vulnerable I became, the less protection from hurt I had.

Even behind my shell I found I had an amazing ability to feel other people’s pain. It was almost unbearable at times and I ached with an intensity I couldn’t explain. There were times I truly thought I was going insane because I knew there was nothing wrong with me so why did I feel so awful and in pain? It took many years of reading to learn what was happening.

image from http://www.facebook.com

Then I found myself in a meditation group and suddenly things changed. I was still guarded but it was a whole new world. The world around me was falling apart but my inner world was beautiful and sustained me through the destruction of my other life. So it was even more difficult when someone I looked up to in this world was critical of failings in others. Where was the spirituality in this? The forgiveness or acceptance of our differences? I had to learn a whole new paradigm of individuality being perfect in all its forms.

Yet the worst pain of all is feeling you’ve been judged and found wanting. When someone close to you tells you that you are doing something wrong, that they don’t like, can’t work with and you have to change, the knife-edge feels even keener than ever. Criticism can be cruel even if it isn’t intended to be so. When its repeated the wound opens ever wider and becomes harder to deal with or heal.

So how do you reach out and ask for help when you feel every hand you hold out is slapped aside or cut off? How can you ask for help all when your words are turned against you and they finally choke in your throat? Do you have to once again tell yourself that you don’t need anyone else, that you can manage on your own, it’s safer that way. Do you have to admit you have to forgo love to stay safe? What is the right answer?

Tell me, will you hold out your hand for me?

image from anotefromjenny.com

Yet they say so often, true friends are hard to find.

.

“The most valuable gift you can receive is an honest friend.”   ― Stephen Richards