Image from kathytaylortrigeminalnueralgia.blogspot.com.au
I have thought of myself as a reasonably strong person during my life. At times it has been because I had to be, there was no other way to “get the job done”. At others it was simply because it had become expected that this was the person I was. You can fool most of the people most of the time, for the very simple reason that they don’t bother to look any deeper than necessary. Make up I have found, can perform miracles in hiding how you truly feel. When feeling my worst the majority have commented on “how well I look”. It’s quite sad really that people so easily overlook what is in your eyes.
For many people it makes them uncomfortable if they have to acknowledge that someone needs help. Often the person who needs help puts up a barrier to keep others away. It is difficult to accept that ‘you’ cannot do what everyone else takes for granted. Often times there is a dread of feeling that you are being “found wanting” or worse “not good enough” and “a burden” and so you try to hide the truth.
Life is busy, more so now than ever before. We are expected to get through so much more than we used to and yet have only the same number of hours in the day. People push themselves ever harder to keep up, to maintain the front of being super capable and now so many are falling under the pressure. Yet to admit they cannot keep up carries a horrendous stigma.
image from gingerfnp.com –
Stress – a dreaded word, almost a death sentence to a career, and in society today is almost akin to “a four letter word”. These are the people who need a friend, need emotional support without being overpowering. What they don’t need is judgmental people saying unpleasant things about them or to ostracize them as though they are contagious.
I loathe being ill. It has taken me over a decade to persuade new doctors to finally look at things differently, different doctors who have finally done different tests and found things my body and mind told me were ‘not right’ so long ago. I have Lyme Disease and the damage to my back cannot be fixed. Like so many things which are found ‘late’, it means it/they have reached a ‘chronic’ phase. You need a degree to be able to understand the nuances in terminology.
image from http://www.talend.com Huge pile of medical journals.
Thanks heavens for the internet… although knowledge is power it is also daunting.
This post was never going to be written although I have begun it several times over. Today was another doctor day. It’s been a tough week. The news wasn’t altogether brilliant, in fact I suppose I’m in a bit of shock. I was always fit and healthy. After all I was a devotee of the Jane Fonda exercise era. Diet and fitness were part of my ‘bible’.
I’ve written before about the huge needles used in the nerve ablation I had on both my neck and back. I need to have it done again. The nerves have regrown and the added pain factor is – well, if I can get rid of it then it has to be better, eventually. That I was expecting, it was one reason I needed to have a long chat with the doctor today. But I’ve had a niggling and at times rather unpleasant pain in my chest, I’ve tried to persuade myself it’s just the bug die off, just reaction to the meds, simply anxiety over having to make my husband do so much more than I expected.
So, leaving it until the very last I mentioned it, as casually as possible. ECG immediately of course! Naturally I expected to be told it was just anxiety, stress, try to relax and meditate more, it was all normal. It wasn’t. There is a problem and I must have tests done. The problem with my back and neck means I can’t do the straightforward stress test…IV drip and chemical induced heart stress test. Sounds so much worse, but it’s not. I refuse to believe it is.
image from emlyceum.com
I couldn’t find a guinea pig… so a monkey it is.
It’s so damned complicated. The procedure for my back, because it has cortisone involved, increases stress. Jeez, I’m so glad I knew that years ago! This means no back treatment until the stress test is done, and the barrage of blood tests. Only after that can I book in to get some pain relief. It’s really a laugh when you think about it. I also wrote “Is trying to get well making you sick“. How right that was.
So, after my long, drawn out explanation, and no, I’m not pleading for sympathy, I’m going to try to write a few posts to have in reserve so I can keep my promise to myself to write regularly whilst I might be dragged away to be prodded and poked by gigantic needles once more.
No doubt I’ll keep you informed – briefly that I’m still with the land of the living because I’ll probably be reminded by a little pain and suffering. More than that I wanted to reassure you that despite the sudden unexpected news I am grateful that I am alive. I am grateful that I have some great doctors looking after me and treatments I can have to get me back on my feet and living a wonderful life. It may be a little grim at times now, but it is transitory.
I have a battery of helpers. Louise Hay‘s books, Gratitude Journals and Blessings to count, Richard Bandler’s book, “Using your brain for a change” a great NLP book, John Holland’s great relaxation meditation amongst others, and we hope to move somewhere quiet in the country soon. Plus, and it is a HUGE plus, I have Ray, who is chief nurse, cook and bottle washer, chauffeur, cheer squad and anything else he can do.
- image from http://www.facebook.com –
I am very grateful for all I have, and I have YOU, my fellow bloggers, who read my posts, like them and follow me and send me messages so that I know I’m not alone. I am very grateful for you too. I have challenges but life is good.
So, whilst Charles Dickens in Oliver Twist, got the sentiment almost right, I would have to say, “Please Sir, I want some more” (Not)! I think it’s time for an “all change” and better times ahead program.
Thank you, one and all.
Blessings Susan xx
“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
― Melody Beattie
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Owls and Orchids 
I feel your pain, I know it’s a personal journey but know that there are others who care about what you’re going through and more importantly, they understand. Re the heart stress test. Lorelle had one a few years ago, they’re unpleasant but they are very accurate. Just know that I am thinking of you with your journey, the chest pain can come from your spine. I have issues with my neck and Thoracic region and have chest pain on a regular basis. Also have double branch blockage to the heart (nerves) it can be brought on by prolonged stress. Hmm I wonder where it came from? I am a Reiki practitioner, (only thing keeping me sane and pain under control) and would like to send you absent healing with your permission. It can be a powerful experience for the recipient. I’ve given up on doctors. I tell them I’ve been blown through the air by mine blasts and been hit several times by lightning with it coming out of my head. They look at me like I’m a eff wit and send me for a heart test. They want to do the same old tests that show the same things but don’t give anything new. The only thing that works is my asthma medication.
I find that I can partition pain and put it somewhere else, just away from me then write like hell, that helps. Reiki it, or go away and cry until I feel better. 🙂 Either way I manage. Please let me know if you want the healing, if not it’s okay I’ll just write stuff that makes you laugh. Win win situation.
Cheer up,
Laurie.
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Laurie, you are a man of many talents! Of course I would gladly accept the reiki healing and am more than happy you offered. A man of many talents 😇
Forced inactivity has driven me crazy, each new ‘something’ stopping me a little more. The writing, which is only new, has opened something up for me. Not that it stops the frustration of not being able to do what I want. I guess that’s the stubborn part coming to the fore – always disliked being told I couldn’t do something 😮
Your stories bring back a lot of memories, my own and stories Dad told although yours are much more colourful 😆 😈 Partition pain – hmm, I think we must all do it to some degree or another (just a theory) or there would be a lot if basket cases running around. Don’t know about you but my wicker is a bit wonky and needs tightening up.
No pun intended, I think, but Reiki on and I’ll soldier on. (Been aching to get that one in). Thanks again. Much cheered.
Ciao.
Susan ❤😊
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Talents indeed, I like to give anything a go and the things I like doing I study them hard. So it’s Reiki on, I’ll do it every night when I go to bed. I had a couple of months of forced inactivity and it drove me crazy, then it became a couple of years. Now I want to do things, well it’s difficult. So one has to work around things. Gives ya the shits. You, stubborn, never? Stories are good, they help us to sort life and thoughts out, pass on history and bond with the story teller. Magic stuff.
With the pain we all, to some degree partition it. Most try and ignore it. The secret is to get into the right state to do it. Only one pain I couldn’t shift and that was a gall attack. thank goodness for drugs. I’m going to leave your wonky wicker well alone, or at least discussing it. 🙂 So soldier on, think calm thoughts and I’ll start sending from tonight.
A cheery Laurie.
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You know that I have some understanding of what it’s like, even though I don’t have the same condition. Chronic illness can be a lonely road and I’m glad we can support one another. I hope you find a treatment that offers you the healthiest life it’s possible to have, even if it’s not what you’d have hoped for. Wishing you peace and wellness.
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Thanks Sarah,
I’m doing ok, I think it was more the surprise/ shock which made me suddenly sit up. I’ve often spoken with doctors about various things only to be told ‘it can’t be that’ or ‘there’s nothing wrong with you’ and ‘you can’t have such and such’. I was expecting the same. I just sat there on the way home thinking, hmmm, I got it right this time, fancy that!
Thank you for your friendship and understanding, it truly does help. It makes me laugh when I think of all the years I lived with these doctors and testing facilities ‘on my doorstep’ when i didn’t need them and now we’ve moved further away I do. What a funny old world we live in. Stay well Sarah.
Ciao,
Susan ❤😊
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Hi Laurie and Sarah, thank you for your comments, truly. Thank you to all the bloggers who put likes and comments on these blogs. Susan will see them shortly. But thank you from ME – I am the nurse and chief cook and bottlewasher as Susan said, and I know just how much she appreciates your kind thoughts and words. I am also a Reiki practitioner and at times, it’s the only thing that takes the edge off the pain. The medication can take ages to kick in, and then sometimes it’s like fighting a fire with a teaspoon and egg cup of water! I think for anyone bound up with pain and forced to stay home because of it, acknowledgement from friends near and far, especially the friendship and support offered through the blogs, is so powerful and healing! As you well know, there’s more than the physical that needs healing and you definately provide support for that. Susan appreciates you, and I certainly do too, you make my role so much easier…
Except when she laughs so much that it hurts…. But even that’s OK – there’s a sort of anaesthetic in happy laughter too..
Blessings to you, and my thanks.
Ray
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You’re welcome Ray, every little bit helps and it is good to know that you aren’t alone. More than anything else that feeling of being part of something ‘out there’ a connection with others is sometimes a help. Also writing about it doesn’t go astray. Keep up the good work Ray and watch out for detergent navel, that bottlewashing is a bummer. 🙂
Cheers
Laurie.
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What is it about this blogging business, anyway? Here you are going through a difficult time, writing in advance to continue sharing, and having blogged for a few months, I think I can understand the feeling. It’s pretty amazing. There is a fullness that comes from taking what is within you and offering it to the world. There is a joy that comes also from being heard. They are both gifts. Ends of a common spectrum of giving and receiving. Keep sharing…! You are being heard… It is the truthful nature of your content that blesses I wish you peace and joy and healing… Michael
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Many thanks Michael and my apologies for what seems a late response. (The original wittier reply has been eaten by cyberspace Langoliers!).
You have captured the essence if blogging exactly. We can attempt to be one dimensional but if we release the bonds we find that what we hold within ourselves covers all of our lives….. Each end of the spectrum and everything in between. It is liberating too.
My surprise and pleasure is having people like what I write or feel moved enough to write. It is always appreciated.
Keep up the good work, I enjoy reading your blog.
Ciao
Susan
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