The first peek of the sun over the horizon.
Whatever we are waiting for–peace of mind, contentment, grace,
the inner awareness of simple abundance–it will surely come to us,
but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.
Sometimes it can be very easy to go with the flow, live in ‘the NOW’ and yet in the same instant in can be very challenging. This week has been, by its very nature a week a highs and lows. I have felt frustrated with my reactions to events and at others grateful for how things turned out. Looking back I have to say that it’s all simply part of the tapestry of life.
I was reminded recently that looking back cannot change what has gone before,and in looking forward I am only borrowing possible problems which may not exist. It is only by BEING PRESENT that I am living in THE NOW and able to be grateful for what I have. Whilst true, at the time I wasn’t inclined to be thankful for the reminder. In fact I was decidedly ungrateful, feeling I wasn’t being listened to which was simply my reaction to being redirected from the path I was on. In some inexplicable fashion I feel the need to prepare, mentally, emotionally for what may come by examining the past. I’m still learning, obviously!
Perhaps I had lived for so long needing to be in a state of readiness (the flight or fight syndrome) that I’m still thrown back into that mindset when hiccoughs occur. I have felt the need to ‘get away’ for a while now. The forced interruptions with traffic and building noise whilst trying to battle Lyme disease has been challenging. Unfortunately going away is not possible for a little while. C’est la vie…. that’s life. When we move the impetus to ‘get away’ will no doubt vanish also.
There is also no denying that this week, being the anniversary of 9/11 always brings to mind the senseless waste of lives in so many conflicts around the globe. This one in particular highlighted the “collateral damage” as governments call it, when civilians are caught up in the horrors unleashed by the interactions between war mongers. The soldiers bear the brunt of the backlash and loss caused by the money machine which feeds war and makes excuses for its necessity. It angers and saddens me and at a time when I feel ‘fragile’, which in itself irritates me, it simply adds to the ‘problem’.
I use the term ‘problem’ loosely since it covers a multitude of sins, so to speak.
Three things happened within days of each other. I was advised I needed to have my heart checked for a blockage, (shown on the ECG), followed by an urgent request for a brain scan due to a pituitary problem. Until this Lyme disease treatment I had always been very healthy, fit and well. I understand that the Lyme had been laying dormant, yet knowing this and suddenly finding oneself unable to do much of anything except feel time passing ever so slowly, has meant a major refocus. It is frustrating because it was unexpected and I cannot dictate how it will go.
Having been indoctrinated that being ‘idle’ is unproductive and unacceptable, I’m fighting a battle on several fronts. Naturally enough my body, which needs the grace to rest and repair, is finding it difficult when my instincts drive me to ‘do’ something, anything to feel useful. This is always followed by a crash as the scant reserves of energy are depleted again. Ray is being driven to distraction trying to undo years of conditioning. (We are both surviving, love has a wonderful healing quality).
image from http://www.therockwarehouse.com
A beautiful amethyst heart from Uruguay – why not combine our love of crystals with this beautiful picture as a representation for love?
So this week has been spent trying to get appointments, hours on the phone on hold and then running back and forth to get things done. Of course major reshuffles were needed so that Ray could get me to wherever I needed to be, in between everything else of course. Gritting my teeth and telling everyone I was alright doesn’t help when you are too wonky to walk a straight line! Yet even that only held part of my attention.
My son has his birthday this weekend and whilst he is an adult and now in Melbourne, I had to realise that it will be the first birthday since he was born that I will not be with him or able to see him. He is okay, and we will talk, but the sudden realisation on top of everything else was….breathtaking.
So I’m off my game. I have had moments of incredible beauty with sunrises and sunsets, a walk on the beach (the first in ages), photos, (yet to be downloaded) of some crazy sculptures and a walk through my fragrant patch of earth. I also met a lovely lady, we talked of crystals and things spiritual and I made a new friend.
image from kingtycoon.blogspot.com
Beauty amidst the gross. Peace amidst the chaos. That is the secret, right there. The ebb and flow of the ocean, the waxing and waning of the moon, the change of seasons. They are all simply a smaller glimpse of the ebb and flow of life. It suddenly blossomed in my awareness as I meditated that all these things are just that…. things, occurrences in life.
They take moments, large or small in the fabric of our existence. Yet it is we who give them a greater or lesser importance. They do not define our existence, they merely make the warp and weft of our lives. We control the shuttle to make the fabric of our life. We can decide how our life will look. Mangled by the lack of control on the shuttle of a perfect canvass by Being Present and remaining In The Now, totally Mindful of how our thoughts are affecting us.
image from http://www.promotehealthwellness.com
This is what it is all about….this is my experience. Each day will get better and I’m certain there will be bad ones. Yet the total will add up to a growing balance of good, of gratitude, of peace and love and I will have created the life I want. That;s how it is supposed to be and can be. So Be It.
Blessings to everyone for a bliss filled day. Susan x
Owls and Orchids 
Hi Susan,
I’m not exactly sure how to say it, other than to say that in reading your words, some Presence in me responds. My heart goes out to you. That is the simple way to say it! My wife had Lyme disease several years ago, and it was a very difficult healing process, so I have seen firsthand the challenging effects.
But you touched on so many things in this post! And knowing all your going through, to stick to your spiritual guns and write about it, with such clarity, is impressive. I wouldn’t say you were off your game at all…
Wishing you the best,
Michael
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Thanks Michael,
I truly appreciate your kind words. As you already know, with Lyme its a ‘one day at a time’ situation. Then of course, there are the minute to minute changes. It makes for crazy days and crazy nights, especially for someone close to the “Lyme sufferer”. I don’t think its an easy task.
I find it totally incomprehensible how a government or health system can refuse to accept this disease is in Australia or to prevent proven protocols being available at a reasonable cost for people. $1600/month is simply outrageous and is once again proving there is a duality in our health system – if you have the money you can get the care.
It appears one of my soapboxes is appearing..:) Once again, thank you. Your words of support and encouragement mean a great deal.
Blessings,
Susan x
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WOW! So THIS is what goes on when I go to sleep! And from the other side of the story, I’m loving seeing the result of these reflections in you, and that smile you flash at the end of a day, or sometimes even in the midst of a trying moment, that says we are doing OK. It’s what keeps me present. And in love!
And ‘Thank you”, Michael, you’ve been through this already. Thank you for your support also. I feel it!
Ray
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Thank you to my one man support team…. without you I couldn’t keep going. As a proof reader during reasonable hours (:p) you are ‘par excellence!”.
Susan xxxxx
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Living now is important but living now and doing sweet FA is very good for you too. Old habits do die hard, I tell Rel that she doesn’t need to stress, our parents definitely aren’t going to drop in and remonstrate with us about an untidy house. With looking back you can learn to react differently to the things that happened. It’s like relearning something, a new way of doing an old task. Having a chronic dose of PTSD has made me a tad sociopathic I think. I tend not to get upset about what’s going on in the world, if I could do something about it then it would be different. Because I can only make changes in my immediate environment I don’t stress about what’s happening in Syria or a dozen other little wars around the world. I care that people are hurting but after all this time I’ll leave the saving to the young ideologists who think that they can change the world. I know it’s said that one person can make a difference, I saw him in Beijing standing in front of tank in Tiananmen Square, then I saw the squishy bits after he’d been run over. People still talk about it, communist china really hasn’t changed. I guess I’m getting older and cynical and a little me centred but if that what it takes to survive then so be it. I do have my blissful moments and yes my life can be good but it’s usually when I can cocoon myself away from the world and do what I want, write. Of course writing my blog takes me back into the past yet I see that as being therapeutic. I relearn things that I had forgotten, the good and bad. I can put things into perspective and see where my life went. There is always that, ‘hmm, I won’t do that again moment.’
I like your analogy of warping and wefting (worked in a woollen mill for 2 years) yet when the blanket is finished your whole life is woven together, the past, good, bad and indifferent is the whole. The pattern is yours alone. I’m probably wandering here, great post,
Cheers
Laurie.
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