Owls and Orchids

For me there is something in the wee small hours which brings reflection, an instinctual review of the day and all that has transpired.  Inevitably, I find that there are things I did OK, some well, some not so good and some I wish I had done so much better. It’s the ones I wish I could say “Re do!” that give me the greatest cause to pause and question why I did things that way.  I have an image of standing on the ledge of an awesome chasm, one false step and I will plunge into its fathomless depths.  If I make the right move I can find safe passage across the gap, my feet will find the invisible crossing which only becomes visible if you take that first step the right way.

The questions which haunt me more than any others are where other people are concerned, especially those I care about. That’s when the Chasm seems to beckon. I remember my parents always saying “Never go to bed angry” and I always wondered what was missing from that saying since it felt unfinished. Here it is.

“Never go to sleep angry. Because you never know if you or the person you’re mad at will wake up the next morning. Always forgive someone. Because you never know if you’ll talk to them again. Things happen. Get over it. Always forgive. You may not forget. But it’s better than knowing you’ll never get to say sorry or I love you again.”   – Unknown

It doesn’t matter how many times I see this film, the brutality is always overshadowed by the sacrifices which are made along the way. The black warrior who tends the wound of our hero so he lives to fight another day.  The choice of the certainty of their own deaths to allow Marcus to escape. Finally, the poignant moment where his erstwhile comrades carry his body from the arena as he dies. Sacrifices are made in a moments decision when it counts the most. The Chasm either draws you in or you manage to safely cross.

The problem, of course, is that real life doesn’t really reflect the movies very much, apart from the mayhem which abounds. There is however, usually a point within the movie where the hero needs to become ‘at peace’ with himself and his possible future. In this it is a reflection of what we do. We need to make peace with what we have said and done so that we may reach a place where we can go forward with a light heart. I mean this in an everyday capacity and not simply as a last farewell.

That Lonely Chasm is always there and we must find a way past it or be lost. I sometimes wonder if this is where the Catholic Church came by their reason for giving “the last sacraments’ to a dying person so they may enter the kingdom of heaven cleansed of all sin. I am not being sacrilegious here, merely pondering the imponderable.

The only thing I know with any certainty is that there is nothing more painful than losing a loved one without being able to say those last important things to them. For them to hear the love in your voice, perhaps even the reconciliation if there has been bad words between you. There is nothing going to alter those final moments, the gut wrenching loss, but it does finally matter that you were able to say “I love you”, because even if they appear to be too far gone, they still hear the words. Eventually THAT matters more than you could ever realise. You understand that the Chasm has been defeated.

Families may drive us crazy, but we chose them. We love them and we learn from them, and we miss them when they are gone.  The small  mementos we keep become symbols to remind us of special moments. Being denied them is painful and cruel, yet it does happen. It can and has destroyed families. At times like that, for some, knowing we are only souls having an earthly incarnation does not help. They don’t want to hear. They need to hold onto all they can of the one they’ve lost and forget that there are others who are feeling the same. They become lost inside the Lonely Chasm and we cannot reach them or save them. That is our Chasm to deal with, that we cannot reach them. Standing on the edge we can only pray.

Make every day count because you have no idea what will happen next. Each moment is precious.

Defy the Chasm… every day.

Blessings and much love. Susan x

© Susan Jamieson