Owls and Orchids

image from http://www.josephinewall.co.uk

“There are as many worlds as there are kinds of days, and as an opal changes its colors and its fire to match the nature of a day, so do I.”
― John Steinbeck

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Despite the fact that I was relieved I wouldn’t be going on further tours with Cherylane, I still felt let down over how things had turned out. I spent quite some time wondering if I was, in fact, totally wrong about that I should be doing with myself.  In short, I began to wonder if I was meant to be following ‘this’ spiritual path. It didn’t help when I read about her doing her tours and going on a TV show, which she won. I couldn’t help but think of the Jekyll and Hyde and wondered what her adoring fans would think if they knew the real person. But being a bitch doesn’t change what she did and I didn’t want that as part of who I was so I let it ride.

Whether it was simply knowing I didn’t have to go on the road again, or doubting what I should be doing I found myself in a growing amount of pain. In fact it seemed to become substantially worse overnight, each night!  The best the doctors could come up with was… the usual STRESS! Then finally it was decided I had Chronic Fatigue, a name,  but totally unhelpful diagnosis. It appeared that after acknowledging I had CF that I was to ‘learn to live with it’. Rest was all I could do, that and whatever was within my ability to do without causing a flare up. I really love the “live with it” attitude I hear so often. If you’ve got a,b,or c, “accept it”, “learn to live with it” because “it is what it is”.  I must have missed out on the Saint instructions. I’m still struggling to accept the status quo. I feel if I do then I will sink into oblivion.

image from myjustliving.com

Bumping into a friend from my old spiritual circle was a turning point in many ways. I began going to a new circle she was running and the meditations were both soothing and enlightening, Apart from the rampant tiredness which annoyed me when I was meditating, the injury to my neck made it almost impossible to keep my head upright. If I rested my head back on the chair there was always the possibility I would fall asleep.  I was relieved when I was told to stop worrying about it – if I fell asleep I would still benefit from the meditation and Spirit were helping me to heal.  The relief was huge. Guilt over something outside your control can be devastating, especially if you are made to feel you are showing a lack of respect for something outside your control.

I started back with the healing group also and continued my Melchizedek training. It’s difficult to describe the experiences and feelings from the healing and the meditations we did. It felt as though I traveled backwards and forwards in time and space and during the healing, into and through the body. It was mind-blowing to put it mildly. At times I would end the meditations and healings in tears at the incredible things I saw and felt.  Whatever had happened before, I felt I was where I should be. I should add that these experiences occurred when I was giving as well as receiving healing. At least  many of the people I gave healings to said this to me.

image from http://www.mindtherapies.info

There was a continued ‘presence’ of spirit around me. I could sense Dad’s presence by scent and he seemed to be spending more and more time with me. I would hear him calling in my sleep which seemed odd when I knew he had already passed over. Then I realised that each time Dad’s presence was the most strong were the times Mum was having an attack or was ill. Time was passing and I felt an urgency that the one thing I didn’t want to happen was drawing closer.

After my divorce I had eventually remarried. (Some lessons are hard to learn). The honeymoon period hadn’t lasted very long and things had been rocky for a while. Tensions had mounted whilst I was traveling with Cherylane and I had a household of discontent, and it wasn’t solely mine!  I started a small business working from home, healing and card reading which was working out fine. I could limit the clients to how many I knew I could manage so it didn’t overly concern me that it was only slowly growing.  There was a great deal of satisfaction as my skills at healing and accuracy with readings continued to grow. Being at home seemed to ease some of the tensions there, even if they didn’t help my health very much.

I felt that I needed to remain available, but if asked I would have been hard pressed to give anyone an explanation. Meanwhile the pain intensified. I had my gallbladder removed and was disappointed it didn’t help my health improve. It reminded me of my near death experience, well as close to one as I think I’ve had. This happened when my children were both in Primary School. If you’d like to catch up on my near death experience. Just follow the link.

There was an intense feeling of momentous change which left me feeling uncomfortable. I suspected what was coming and desperately wanted to avoid it. So I prayed, for the first time in a very long time, very selfishly, for myself. At least that’s how it felt to me. If  my prayers were answered it was not how I expected, but then they rarely are.

image from embracethechildrennj.webs.com

“Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God.” ~Author Unknown

Blessings,  Susan xx

Next week – Old Doors Close

© Susan Jamieson 2013