image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk
“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
From an Irish headstone” ― Richard Puz
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Traveling to Mum’s house that night felt surreal. I felt as though I was wandering through my own personal nightmare. I drove along and had no real recollection of where I was going or what I was doing, it felt as though I was on auto pilot. What would have happened if anything unexpected occurred I have no idea. I suppose I should thank my angels and Dad that it didn’t. I could sense him from time to time but I knew he would be with Mum.
Going through the front door was indescribable. Yet another part of the nightmare, never ending. There was this horrible feeling of disconnect. Nothing felt real. I felt like an interloper and I seriously wanted to leave. For the first time I can remember I felt lost, adrift on some strange ocean with no bearings to guide me. Yet I was expected to be the same person I had always been, capable, competent, organised – for everyone else. It felt as though any feelings I had didn’t exist for anyone else. Their tears poured but I felt I couldn’t, or shouldn’t. When I was told I was a co executor of Mum’s estate I cringed inside. The other was my brother.
Every ‘rule’ of executor ship was flouted and trying to say anything I was over ruled on the pretext that he was so upset because Mum had passed away. Oh – wasn’t she my mother too? I was over ruled and out voted. Meetings held without me regarding Mums prized possessions (sentimental), before her hospitalisation had seen me ‘disenfranchised’. My children were simply excluded, and I had the feeling it was because they were the only grandchildren. I was being torn apart piecemeal, no one to turn to and I was still supposed to take control of the situation, even being accused of being an “Ice Maiden”, without feelings, because they didn’t see me cry. I had a dam inside and the tears couldn’t be allowed to get past it. I didn’t want them to see it either.
image from http://www.theguardian.com Such a vital piece of paper
The more I learned about how the Will had come to be drawn up, its contents and the meetings which took place without me, the more I felt cut off from my family. I was lost in the darkness and there was no way out. Once the funeral was over, the wrangling with finalising the estate began. Months of arrangements and meetings, and more and more blackouts as I traveled to ‘Mum’s’ house started to widen the cracks. When I was finally told, after I organised the estate tax return, that it would be another 12 months until it could be finalised I reached “the point of no return”. Denied Mum’s mementos, denied access to the house proper to see her things, despite everything I had tried to do and I had reached the time to say, “Enough!”
I needed time. I needed space. I needed to find out who I was again. I had been mother, daughter, sister, wife for so long that I was unsure who I was. I booked a 12 week trip to the Middle East and Switzerland, had a long talk with my children and left to find myself. My children understood and were old enough and cared enough to wish me well, however. I didn’t leave a happy camp behind. I don’t believe my brothers really understood how fragile I had become. I tidied up everything with the solicitor so nothing would need attending to in my absence and left.
Perhaps it was prophetic that I went to the airport alone and had no one to see me off. My very first overseas trip, the only trip I had ever taken alone in my life and there was no one there to say goodbye. As the plane rose into the air I felt an enormous weight suddenly detach from me and I felt lighter than I had for so long. I had a long way to go but I had made a start.
image from http://www.travelhouseuk.co.uk Fly away little bird.
There was a strange feeling as I walked into the Singapore airlines lounge, which felt something like, “So this is what ‘they’ were talking about. There was a feeling of freedom, of being looked after, and after the previous couple of decades it was almost unbelievable. The people there were so friendly and helpful, and despite the fact that it was their job, they made me feel as though I was special, something truly unusual for me.
The long haul trip to Singapore tested out my back despite being in Business class, a luxury I had decided on simply because of the injuries to my back. Unfortunately we arrived at 11pm so apart from a walk, a very long walk to the Singapore airlines lounge there were very few shops open. Yet the two hour wait for my connecting flight to Athens was still full of surprises. I had rarely seen so much food available outside a restaurant and staff who were only too happy to help. The shower facilities were a blessing and it felt really good to refresh myself after sitting on the plane for so long.
image from http://www.airreview.com Business Lounge in Singapore
Back on board again it seemed only a short time before we were landing in Athens. I had been too excited to sleep much so the on-board films were a good distraction. I was collected at the airport – Yes, I had someone standing in arrivals with my name on a piece of cardboard! Whisked through the airport, the Greeter insisted on handling my entire luggage (I over packed) and I was in a taxi and speeding into Athens.
The driver, whose name I never did get, zipped in and out of traffic like a bee hopping from flower to flower. The nonstop information was brilliant, but I could only take part of it in. The sights and sounds were amazing. Once we reached Athens the traffic was phenomenal. So many vehicles all going flat out, horns honking, drivers waving their arms at each other and the roads – they seemed so small! It was a thrill a minute.
View of the Acropolis from outside the hotel
The hotel was an oasis of peace and calm from the bustle outside and once I was in my beautiful suite I suddenly felt exhausted. Tired or not I had to explore since I was only there for a couple of days on the way to Israel, my ‘final’ destination. I’m sure the Major D was surprised when I hurried through the doors so soon, asking for directions. I walked for hours before finally stumbling back to the hotel where I declared it exhaustion treat time and ordered room service.
One beautiful hot bath later my meal arrived and I settled down to find an English speaking news channel so I could find out if the Middle East was still peaceful. The lure of the soft and gigantic bed was too much and I slept until breakfast the next morning. A full breakfast was on offer but I didn’t want to waste time so off I went sightseeing and gathering all the brochures I could for my return trip.
image from news.gtp.gr Athens Airport
Picked up bright and early the next morning, (They even got the staff up early so I could have breakfast before I left) and I was whisked out to catch the El Al Plane into Israel. That was where the fun really began.
Next week – Learning to breathe again
© Susan Jamieson 2013
Owls and Orchids 
The great escape indeed Susan. This post shows one thing, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family, at least not in this world. It’s usually the children who have done the least in life with their parents are the ones who want to control everything after they’ve gone. Suddenly mum and dad become theirs alone. Sad indeed.
Laurie.
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Thank you – I’m unfortunately ever mindful that since publicize it on FB I had to be a little careful about other family members seeing it.Not my bros, they unfriended me, but the cousins sometimes reblog and talk so who knows. They’re still not talking which means I’m not. Failing on the forgiveness and gratitude already. ;( Susan x
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I gave up worrying what extended family saw on my posts. They tend to think and say what they want and well, they probably make up the rest as they go along. You can forgive, it doesn’t matter if they don’t want to accept, that’s their bag to carry. I think you expect way too much of yourself, Susan we’re only human after all.
Cheer up,
Laurie.
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Wow! So sorry about the “passing” of your mom. But, you are one brave woman. I would never go on a trip like that all by myself. Oh, hell no. Sounds like you had a great time and saw some awesome things. So, yes, if we are to meet, you will have to come to the U.S. and now that I know you aren’t afraid to go anywhere by yourself, you won’t have any excuses. You don’t feel good, I don’t feel good, we can just lounge around and chat, or you never know, we might get a “decent” day and venture out a little bit.excursion, nothing fancy because I don’t even know my way around here. LOL my mom calls me geographically retarded. She says she never said that, but she did and it’s true. I get so turned around and lost so easily. We won’t worry about that until you are here. LOL I can see trouble x 2 already. LOL
Sometimes it’s hard to forgive people and all my life, I’ve always been the one to give in and make that first phone call, email, or whatever to apologize, usually for something I didn’t even do, but guess what? Never doing it again. Like I said, I’ve done that all my life and now they can do it and some of them will never be forgiven even if they dare make the attempt, especially my ex best friend since 1st grade. She decided she didn’t want to be friends because I said hi to someone, who happens to be my friend, that she doesn’t like. And I swear that’s all there was to it. That’s when I realized she never really was that great of a friend to me, ever. I was always a much better friend to her. Always there for her in the snap of a finger with any crisis that arose. I was the friend she could call any time day or night. I was the friend that would talk to her on the phone for hours about anything and everything. Just always there for her like a best friend should be. When I came home from the hospital with my feeding tube 2 or 3 years ago and I was so sick, it damn near killed me when I had that surgery, anyway I was so, so very sick and once I got home she only came to see me 3 times and there was always something in it for her. She offered to clean out my “real” closets” for me. She would pull things out and hold them up and I would say keep or get rid of and she got so many clothes, I mean thousands of dollars worth. She never would stay more than just a few hours. Some best friend, huh? When I look back on all the time we were friends and really think about it, she never really gave a shit about me like I did her. Of course, she’s kinda like that about everyone. She’s really into herself. It’s been 2 years now and it is done and over FOREVER! I have so many friends and several other “best” friends”. I still have other friends from 1st grade through high school and of course, all the friends I made through working and being in the hospital or wherever. I talk to anything that talks, so I make friends in the damn grocery store, however I haven’t been to the grocery store in years, just sayin I don’t have a shortage of friends and I never even missed her sorry ass for one minute. Never shed one tear over it. She claimed she had to go to therapy. Sure she did because she was the one losing the good friend. Sorry, I didn’t mean to write a novel. Anyway, just so you know, I do visit your blog, I’m so ADHD that most the time I forget to hit “like” or make a comment. Everyone knows this about me. I’m always in such a hurry to try and keep up with everyone, especially my closest friends, and this damn blogging, although I do love it, has turned into a full time job, ya know what I mean? By the time I come up with a post and reply to everyone and attempt to get all these awards posted, etc. that takes a lot of time and a lot out of me, but just know I am here and I’m keeping an eye on you, girl! So, with that being said, you better not behave yourself cause that’s no fun now is it? If you ever want to have a private chat, as I do with my “besties” my email address is tlohuis@yahoo.com I’m also open to skyping, if you ever skype? You email me and you can vent, rant and rave, cuss, flip out, whatever you need to do, or just chat so the whole world doesn’t have to hear our whole conversation. I’ll always listen and never judge you, ever. Got it, girlfriend? Are you still able to work? I forget a lot with this damn ADHD, so just excuse me when I ask the same questions over and over. My kids get very annoyed by this, but I can’t help it. I even have another blogger friend, well actually quite a few, but one that I’ve become very close to and trusting with and we talk on the phone at least once a week and sometimes 3 or 4 times. And, we chat for hours. I’ve been blessed with the gift of gab, so I am never at a loss for words. LOL Contact me whenever you want. I hope you are feeling half way decent today. I know that’s a stupid thing to say, but I really do hope that. Hang in there, you know we’re on this damn journey together with several others. We have to keep each other strong and I’m not too strong right now, but you know me, I’ll keep trying. I think I said I was done a long time ago, so I really better stop here or I’ll be talking all damn day. Later Gator,
HUGS my dear friend and partner in crime,
Wild Thang
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🙂 With a friend like you I could have taken on the world…but that’s a huge story… Getting my fingers sharpened for the long letter (typing!!!)
Take care Tammy you Wild Thang, I really appreciate it. – damn now I need those tissues again :0 Susan x
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I think it’s probably best we didn’t meet until now. LOL Just sayin………………….You know what I mean? But, you stop that crying and get that email address written down and you email me a novel if you wish. Write away, girlfriend. I’m ready and waiting for the long letter. I think you are an absolutely awesome person and I am so happy to have met you. You have inspired me so much, you need to know that. You’re always here for me and you always lift me up and put a smile on my face, I mean it girl. Then you won’t let me quit, damn your hide, anyway! So, since I can’t quit cause you won’t let me, we both belong to this shitty ass club and we walk this journey together, right? And, one day that journey is going to lead us right to each other in person, right? So, chin up, even if mine is down and my email address once again is tlohuis@yahoo.com so I hope you are getting your fingers sharpened so you can begin that long letter. Feel free to vent first, if need be. Like I said, I will always be here to listen, give any advice, and I don’t care what it is, I will never judge you. I have some things to talk to you about, as well. Things I cannot share with the world and you are so inspiring that I trust you enough to share some things with you, privately. so get your hide busy.
Hugs to one of my very best besties,
Wild Thang 🙂
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