image from lionhearteagle.blogspot.com –
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Today
Today I gave in. For one brief moment which lasted an eternity I gave in. My body keeps going but my mind, that part which recognises the pain and despair; it had decided it had more than enough. It said, “No More, Enough is Enough”.
Am I a quitter, I asked myself? I always thought I was strong and capable. I believed I could handle anything. I’ve heard of worse things than people should ever be expected to go through and felt their pain as I listened. I’ve seen some horrors I never thought I’d see and dealt with them as I needed to. I blindly walked through the path of domestic violence because I refused to believe it was happening to me. I handled what was put before me and came through scarred but still me.
image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk
How do you explain to someone that, you thought that, being married meant “supporting your husband” and that everything he said you “had to do”, you had no choice in? I’ve carried bricks like a brickies labourer, carted cement like a concreter’s labourer. I’ve carried and rolled thousands of square metres of turf, barrowed topsoil and leveled it, built walls, sawn and carried timber and a hundred other things because, that’s what being married was all about. Doing things together and supporting your husband. It meant I was a slave to someone’s “ownership of me”. Until the day my eyes were opened and I finally had enough and left.
image from facebook.com
What caused my back problems?
Yes, I’ve had two ‘minor’ car accidents and according to the ‘experts’ I had two “minor” whiplash episodes. They were so minor they refused to accept how much pain I had nor would they perform an x-ray. For years they refused until one day they relented, just to shut me up. Too damned late then and being proven right didn’t help at all.
image from http://www.jossephinewallart.co.uk
Is it irony to acknowledge that in the beginning I was young and fit? Is it irony to say that because I went to the gym regularly, not only for fitness but as a stress release, that I damaged my body by doing too much exercise? Is it irony to now say that my condition is age related? Are there any more excuses they can think up?
I believed, for one brief interlude, that being diagnosed with Lyme disease might answer all the questions, and eventually see me well. Now, since Lyme disease does not exist in Australia, (so say the powers that be), and my doctor, who specialised in infectious diseases, is actually registered only as a General Practitioner. He made a video announcing his treatment of his Lyme disease patients which caught the eyes of the Medical Association. Well, now he is restricted (banned) from treating anyone diagnosed with Lyme disease. They must be referred to someone else for treatment. Excuse me, treatment? How can they do that if they deny it exists in Australia? How much irony can one body take?
image from http://www.josephine wallart.co.uk
In one sense it doesn’t matter whether it is irony or not. No longer can the facts be argued. But what can never be ignored is the fact that they now say there is nothing they can do except load me with pain killers which rob me of the ability to think or act as the person I really am.
This morning I had reached the end of the road. At the moment of waking, a screaming throughout my body, of the pain of lying still, of having the chain mail weight of a light sheet and blanket over me was too much. Having to plead with my husband to PULL me quickly upright instead of gently brought an anguished scream from me. Enough I thought, I’ve had enough.
image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk
But the end was too far away. If I didn’t want to soil myself I had to reach the bathroom. No dignity here. Each painful slide of a foot forward speared pain up through every part of my body and into my brain. Two damned, bloody steps up that I loathe more deeply each day and then fifty agonising steps to the bathroom later, there is more pain. By the time I reach the vanity basin to wash my hands, I would breathe a sigh of relief, but I tried that once and it hurts too much. So I just think it instead.
The retracing of my journey is the same except going down those two damned stairs becomes a farce. ‘Enough’ my mind screams at me. ‘Enough’ I say! I would cry, but self-pity is useless and apart from that, crying is too damned painful. More irony!
image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk
I want an end to this. I want to be able to walk again, just like I used to. I want to be able to laugh and smile and not know that it is just a cover for how I really feel. I want to not feel that I’m an ingrate for complaining when so many are worse off than I. I have too much to be grateful for.
I have a husband I love more than I would have believed possible. I have two wonderful children who have become incredible adults. I have a roof over my head. I have a beautiful ocean to see from my deck (if I can get there) and I have my beautiful orchids which are flowering again. I also have ‘my’ owl who visits me even here. I have too many things to be grateful for and no right to talk about giving up. I am reminded daily of how many wonderful things I have in my life to be grateful for. I have a journal I complete daily to remind me, if I should forget. I am grateful.
Today, I have had enough. Today this is too much to handle. Today I want an end to this. Today I want an end – not in some unknown future but now. Now. Today.
image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk
In the event that anyone needs an explanation; the beautiful pictures from Josephine Wall Art are to symbolise that I recognise that even in the midst of a shitty and awful day, I know that beauty and Spirit exists. It is there to help me to grasp that reality and find an even footing to go forward with. I hope it may help some of you also.
Today is almost over and tomorrow, my new today will be better, if only because I have coping mechanisms in place to haul me out of those depths before I drown. This is my fervent hope.
There are those who will understand my words, inexpertly written as they are, yet this is not for them alone. It is for everyone who decides to read it.
To those I say:
Blessings always, Susan x
© Susan Jamieson 2014
Owls and Orchids 
This is very expertly written, Susan. I am honored to know you here. Thank you.
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Thank you, sometimes whatever is hidden inside has to make its way out. Bless, Susan x
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My heart goes out to you, and everyone who lives with so much pain. May tomorrow be a better day for you.
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Thank you – my sentiments exactly 🙂 since there is no other way to approach it. I’ve let it get a good hold this time so I have to work harder to being it under some kind of control. Ahhh the illusion of control …lol Susan x
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I wish you relief, Susan.
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Many thanks Andra… I read your blog and keep wishing to be out and doing all the things you do…. one day, soon 🙂 Susan x
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Hope that tomorrow is a better day for you.
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Thank you 🙂 Susan x
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The injustice suffered by many with chronic conditions is horrifying Susan. I can relate as similar happens here, although not with Lyme. It is painful enough to live like this without the loneliness and frustration of being discarded by those fortunate enough to not have to deal with it. I wish you healthier days. Thank you for sharing your story to inspire others.
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Many thanks Sarah. It has been heartening to find so many welcoming and accepting people here on WordPress. As you can imagine it means more than a healthy person could understand. Well, perhaps there are some who would. We have a wonderful group here.
Blessings Susan x
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Bless you my dear sister. I understand so well your pain and frustration. You know I’m chronically ill and have been for 24 years. I feel a lot like you do and just wish I would pass into spirit. It’s hard living in chronic pain and not being able to do the things that you used to so easily. Believe me I wish I had a magic wand that I could wave and everything would be normal for you again. I will keep you in my prayers. With love, Cherokee Billie
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That is such a precious gift Cherokee Billie. I feel the love and compassion in each word. I am honoured to be called your sister, as the tears start.
I am so terribly sorry you have endured this for so long. If it is your time to leave us, it will be with a glad heart that I shared a small part of your journey. I feel I have so many things to learn from you, but I release you to spirit, when the time is right.
May the Great Spirit shelter you dear sister.
Susan x
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I’m glad that my message had meaning for you Dear One. I just wanted you to know that there was someone else out there who understood how you are feeling. Only those that suffer chronic health issues understand fully. I’m glad that I inspire many people, you included. I’m tired of fighting for survival financially and health Wise and I believe in quality of life and not quantity. I no longer have quality in my life. I do not know how much longer I have, but it’s abundantly clear that it will not be much longer. Until then I will keep doing what I’ve been doing. Your words reach a lot of people and you help others who are going through what you are going through hang on for another day. Bless you for your work. Many blessings to you, Cherokee Billie ❤
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You humble me with your words. I hope I can carry the light, as you have and learn to be as wonderful as you have in your career as a healer. I wish I could learn more from you, but the Spirits decide. I pray for an easing of your pain until whatever is to come. Your work has pave the way for the novices like myself to come along. Thank you from my heart and soul.
Bright Blessings always, Susan x
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Hope you find solace and peace….If I wanted I could wish your husband…but I won’t…because this world reciprocates fast. And works on the principle of To each,his own! :0
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Many thanks… husband is a treasure and not even available on loan 🙂 Love your recipes.
Blessings Susan x
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Haha…my comment(as I see now) is incomplete (and twisted,)……What I wanted to say was I wish I could make your husband see the true worth of you….I’m 18 and don’t really want a husband right now!! 😀
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Keep that thought – you have too much life to enjoy yet 🙂
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I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, and that you’re dealing with less pain. *gentle hugs*
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Thanks Jenny, reading about your snow shoveling exploits was awesome. I truly hope you don’t suffer too much over the next few days.
Bless Susan x
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The only good thing about pain Susan is that it reminds us we are still alive. I could however survive without it and have other, less intrusive signals let me know I’ve woken up and still liv. 🙂
Cheers
Laurie.
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Amen!
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Please feel better soon, my friend. I understand your pain. All I’ve been writing about today is how I want it all to end. I can’t take much more. I miss you, girl.
Peace, love, gentle hugs and all that jazz,
Wild Thang
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Miss you too Tammy. You know the story, bad day, week, month and it suddenly gets too much. I’ll try to get an email to you…I’ve been operating on less than a few hours recently, too painful, too tire and irony, can’t sleep. So many times I want to call the ambulance, but… hang in there Wild Thang. I need you too.
Signing out with Peace Love, hugs and plenty of soul music.) Lady in Red….
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Oh, Susan, please tell me you are doing better. Seems like everyone is falling apart, at the same time. I did have to call the ambulance about a month ago and all they did was the usual hydrate me, give me the good ole Dilaudid in the IV for pain and send me on my way and then by the time I got home, I was in the exact same pain because the pain medication had worn off. There’s no end for this pain. Please let me know how you are doing, or else………………..Signing out with Peace, Love, Hugs, and plenty of rock n roll. I don’t know about any soul music. LOL
Wild Thang
Better watch out, I’m contagious, I have this wicked flu…………………………………
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Ha – the flu I’m a magnet for, but its summer here so I’m a hoping it won’t worry me. I’m as OK as a mole, just down a dark hole. I’m looking for the light and soon enough I’ll be out. They don’t want us down the hole, in the ER or anywhere else. Funny you mentioned the pain meds wearing off so quick. I remember when I had to go to the hospital, I even had my son half carrying me, that’s how I learned never to do that again…. the doc and nurses stood outside my ‘cubicle; as said they didn’t know what to give me cos of the damned Panadeine Forte I was taking regularly! Panadeine Forte for heavens sake! Said I was ‘self medicating”! I was so angry and upset I asked my son to take me home – which they heard. Then they got upset. Humpf! ..Sorry Tammy, the energy light just went out…. Take Care my friend and I will too.
Peace, love, hugs and Blessings
Lady in Red
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You’re not either ok if you’re down in the deep, dark hole with me. It’s not an ok place to be. I gotta climb out soon. This flu is getting worse by the minute. It’s now in my chest and I now have to worry about it turning into pneumonia, especially since I’m laying around all the time. There’s a major outbreak of the flu in the U.S.
I’ve gone to the ER several times and been treated like a drug seeker. Makes me so damn mad. I’m like listen people I have plenty of drugs at home. I’m a walking pharmacy, ok? They can clearly see my records of how many times I’ve been hospitalized there and why. So, they should know damn good and well that I’m not putting on a facade. Bastards. I might have to go to the ER with this shit in my lungs. Damn it. Well, that’s all the energy I have for now. You get out of that dark hole ASAP and I’ll do so as soon as I get over the damn flu.
Peace, love, hugs, and all that other jazz,
Wild Thang
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Yes Ma’am. I had a fabulous bath and yesterday, enough to give me the ooopmh to make FIG JAM! Yes – FIG JAM. So I must be better huh? Ray helped but I supervised and stirred the pot.I’m good at stirring the pot. I am a self made Instructor! Telling people what to do and where to go is nice, damned nice.
I’m OK Wild Thang. Take your germs to the hospital and bring the contagion to them (Contagion, film with Kate Winslet)
Peace love and many hugs,
Lady in Red
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You better not be lying to me. If you are telling me the truth than I am proud of you and glad you at least got a halfway decent day, they are so rare to come by. Fig Jam? I bet you were jammin’ while stirring that pot and giving out orders. LOL sounds just like me. I’m a real good instructor, let me tell ya. LOL Actually, I’m a damn good instructor and I’m very, very good at telling people where to go. I feel like if I have to be so sick all the time, I can tell people whatever the hell I want to, whether they like it or not. I did take my germs to my primary care doctor, no hospital. I hope you can move. You worry me when you say you have to sit there all day and can’t move. How the hell you supposed to go to the bathroom or eat or anything? Sigh…………….
Peace, love, hugs, and all that other jazz,
Wild Thang at your service. LOL I think I best get some more drugs right away.
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Oh I get fed my friend – too much, so I’m FAT, hate it and I’m a bitchy FAT frump. how the hell can you exercise when you can barely walk? I’m sick of all these bloody “get fir, walk or run ads. I deliberately went threough my old camera yesterday and I found a ton of pics on it. I was slim, dammit, my watch and ring (engagement) were lose, now even my damned watch is tight. I’m just the regular goodyear blimp. I don’t care what it takes I will lose weight if I have to starve to do it. Isn’t it enough to have most of your life suck without this? Did you get my real long 2 part email? I have a copy saved so I can send it again – it explains some stuff I don’t want on WP. I’m losing my mind Tammy – If I didn;t talk to you I think I’d already have dome the high jump. Sorry… I am so sorry.
Peace love n hugs n jazzy stuff
Susan x
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Hi Lady, No I did not get your long 2 part email. When did you send it? Maybe it would just be easier for you to resend it. It would be easier for me to find if I know when you are sending it. I have thousands of emails and I’m so far behind, it could take over a day just to find it, if I even received it to start with. tlohuis@yahoo.com.
Being on this Prednisone has been making me eat like a freakin’ hog the past few days. I gotta get off this shit soon or I’m going to gain 75 pounds and if I gain even one pound I’m going to flipl We can’t exercise like this and I’m tired of people telling me to get up and exercise. I cannot do it. Maybe 2 minutes. What good is that? I love to exercise, I know I’m crazy, but I used to be an exercise finatic. In fact, I was obsessed with it. I wish more than anything, that I could get up and exercise and be in good shape.
Don’t lose your mind, my dear friend, that’s my job and one of us has to stay sane so we can make the arrangements to meet in person one day, and I mean it. No high jump without me. Me and some other friends, here, are meeting in the spring. We are going to get shit faced, in a convertible and flip the bird to the rest of the world as we accidentally drive over the cliff. We are going out in style. You are more than welcome to join us, if you want. You don’t have to be sorry to me about feeling that way, girl. Just go back and read my blog. I’m not shy, ya know and I’ve written several posts about just that matter. When I wrote that post yesterday, I was speaking for most of us living life this way. I’m like the poster child for invisible chronic illnesses, physical and mental. You’re not going anywhere without me. I love you, girl and you mean the world to me and if it weren’t for you, I don’t know where i would be right now. I need you, so……………………………please don’t, without me, anyway.
Peace, love, hugs, and all that jazzy jazz,
Wild Thang
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