Ray and I on our wedding day May 11, 2011
“This is what our love is––a sacred pattern of unbroken unity sewn flawlessly invisible inside all other images, thoughts, smells, and sounds.” ― Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams
My Husband, My Lover, My Friend
It’s been a rough week here and although I’ve tried to play it down, inside my head and in my posts, there have been times when the thought of simply ‘giving up’ wasn’t far away. It’s very difficult to remain positive when you wake up and the moment of consciousness brings the awful knowledge that your entire body is screaming in agony.
It’s becoming a real nightmare, a waking nightmare and this morning was the worst to date. Let me explain, although it’s really hard for me to write this. I cannot move my legs, body, head or shoulders. I am fortunate that my hands and lower arms appear to be okay. I wake up feeling as though I’m in a roasting oven, on well done! I cannot push the covers off and I cannot get out of bed, (I can’t move).
image from autobio-blogs.plazilla.com
I’ve tried everything I can think of to get out of bed without waking my husband, especially as sometimes I wake really early and I’m ruining his rest. He needs it, he has to look after someone who is cranky because she can’t do the things she has previously done alone and I’m not in the right head space to “give in gracefully” and acknowledge that for the moment, this has to be my reality.
image from http://www.123rf.com – Is this what is coming?
So let’s go back to this morning. I had a magnificent sleep, six hours of deep sleep. It’s a shame it was drug enhanced but I can’t fight that any longer either. But, I heard Ray get up and that was enough to wake me. It was a world of hurt and I had no idea what to do. My entire body was locked in this agonising position and I had to move. I simply had to.
image from http://www.thedailydecibel.com
From a mental angle it is full on despair, a waking nightmare I cannot banish. Giving in is against my entire world view. I have always stood my ground, but that has become a joke since I cannot stand. Not first thing in the morning.
The first challenge is getting upright and Ray has to hold my hands and when I say “Pull” he has to pull me upright quickly. This morning I screamed as he did this. (Going slowly is more painful.) Ray has to slowly pull each leg around until I can reach the floor and then once again, pull me to my feet. He has to make sure I don’t fall backward or forwards or I’ll be on the floor. I’ve mentioned the ‘damned stairs’ before but this morning they almost defeated me. But he wouldn’t let go, nor would he give in and we painfully made our way along the corridor.
image from owlsandorchids.com Is this all that’s left?
It has brought home the simple dignity chronically ill people suffer which is taken by others as something they just have to get used to. I wonder if, in the same position, they would find it so easy or welcome! Well, we made the journey, back to bed and sitting back brought another stifled scream. (I have some pride left). It was not going to be an easy day. I swore I wouldn’t take the tablets but I was afraid, seriously afraid I might have to call the ambulance. Maybe it’s the meds but that’s tantamount to throwing in the towel and I’d rather the unthinkable than that.
So, doped up and basically incoherent I remained in a land somewhere between reality and who knows? I do know that after Ray had left I felt someone sitting down and then a cuddling into my legs, but that’s another story.
Image from http://www.prweb.com
We decided on a bath, detoxing again, but with added special things Ray thought up. He helped me to the main bathroom, (when we build I’m having a bath in the en suite!) and the most beautiful sight met my eyes. My special bath salts, lavender-scented had been liberally placed in the bath, extra Epsom salts, my coconut body wash, coconut scented body cream, candles, my bath pillow and my iPod. I could have cried. It was exquisite – and I forget to get a photo so this will have to do…
How can something so wonderful be so painful? Getting in and lying back caused another loud groan, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me. (Note to self – larger bath needed in our en suite). It was hot, as it needed to be and as I felt the warmth slowly seeping into my body, I felt a wonderful feeling enveloping me. I got my iPod and some meditation music and I was left in peaceful silence.
I came back to myself as the water lost its heat but over an hour had passed and I was a wrinkled prune – almost. Helped out and dried off and then the final surprise, the beautiful coconut butter lotion… He carefully and slowly rubbed it in from my toes to my neck and down my back. I had the most incredible massage of my back. His magical fingers caressed the painful knots and tender spots and relaxed the rest of my back. I was covered from head to toe with lotion and I felt amazing. Every muscle had turned to jelly.
image from http://www.dreamstime.com
Helping me dress and back upstairs we had a beautiful cup of tea.
I realised how lucky I was. I found in one inexplicable gift from the Universe, my soul mate who is my husband, my lover and my best friend. The pain notwithstanding, I realise I’m so darned lucky. To be loved and accepted by such a wonderful man, someone who not only stands by me, but helps me through my nightmare is a rare blessing. I don’t make it easy on him at times and my guilt becomes another torment. I feel stuck in this limbo, yet supported by a magical earth angel.
What more can I say? Love is beautiful and found in unexpected place and at unusual times. Enjoy it anytime you can.
image from 2guysphoto.wordpress.com
I feel my love flowing to all my friends out here, and to all the people everywhere. Love will eventually change our world. It is too great to ignore forever.
Blessings and love to all.
Susan x
© Susan Jamieson 2014
~
For the Love of My Life and for the Love of Your Lives, whoever they may be.
Owls and Orchids 
Thank you for all the love you send out into the world. Here’s some of it back at you. — Ann
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I can hardly imagine what you are going through. It is not fair that you have to go through all of this. I am not sure I would have as much courage as you have. Please hang in tere Susan, you need your husband but he needs you too! It is wonderful to read this proof of true love. Blessings virginie
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Many thanks Virginie, Bad days come and go, sometimes they last much longer. I have to hang onto the hope that all these meds will ‘cure’ most of what ails me and we’ll see about the rest. I
I know I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful husband. I am lucky he was able to see me as I am, before I became ill, so he knows what we can expect when I get well. At the same time we believe we have found true love with each other. That makes the struggle harder and easier 🙂 But I will get there, thanks to him and to my wonderful WP friends, such as yourself. Thank you.
Blessings, Susan x
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I am so sorry to hear what this illness is putting you through Susan. My positive thoughts are with you today and always. Love Jenna 😉
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Many thanks Jenna, positive thoughts are a strong tie helping me through this so I greatly appreciate them. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends on WP – and I thank you for being one of them 🙂 “I am woman, hear me roar”. But not for a while. Blessings Susan x
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Good energy coming at you Susan…but the things you have to do to get a real bath and massage! 🙂 Most woman have to pray forever to score those 🙂
Hope today is much better…or you’ll have to do it all over again 🙂
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Mmm but it might be worth it…. or maybe not. I know how blessed I am to have Ray by my side through this. I am so grateful that he was able to meet me when I was healthy, healthy enough to have a normal life, so he knows what to expect when I recover. Until then, I’m not sure who enjoys the baths and massages more;)
Blessings, Susan x
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lol. The things we must do 🙂 I suppose there is always light within any situation. And appreciated all the more because of it. Blessings to you both. Namaste
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You are more than very kind.
Blessings, Susan x
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My dear friend, all my love, positive source energy and blessings are sent to you, may you feel the energy, gain some strength from its power and be pain free for even the briefest moment to enjoy the love of your husband 🙂 Namaste with Love Mark
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Many thanks Mark, your wonderful gifts of love and positive energy worked and I had a wonderful couple of hours in the evening. We keep working on this, and all our positive thoughts, affirmations, meditations, medications…and we will succeed. I am truly grateful for your thoughts and blessing, it means a great deal to have found the beautiful friendship here on WP. 🙂
Blessings Susan x
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Susan, my spiritual door is always open to you and I will send you pure source positive energy each day, receive it with joy and allow the energy to work on every cell in your body 🙂
With Love and Blessings
Mark
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Words are poor recompense for the gift, but thank you, I sincerely appreciate it.
Love and Blessings,
Susan x
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Words are sometimes not enough to describe reality… This is the lady who, as a police woman ran down and accosted thugs, faced down a crazed 7 foot tall giant who was threatening kids with a tree branch, walked a Police beat in Brisbane for hours at a time and served fearlessly and tirelessly. She served in other ways after her police career, caring and healing others, and now has been struck with this debilitating pain… For over a decade since a hit and run driver smashed into her she has suffered, being at the mercy of corrupt Work Cover doctors and supervisors and denied proper medical treatment when it would have prevented most of this pain and now she suffers for the sins of those others and from corporate greed that denied her proper treatment.
Yet she writes as though an angel caressed the keyboard, inspired by an irrepressable beauty from deep within, still serving and sending healing love out to the world in the best way she can right now…
I pray that she gets back the life and freedom she once had because the world needs her, I need her, you need her to be well, and Susan needs to be well, to receive and enjoy the love and the wonderful life that is hers and which she has earned many times over…
Bless you Susan, 🙂
Ray XXX
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My heart goes out to you guys. And truly spoken from the connection that you both have. Not a very nice journey, and to make it even worse is the attitude that you were shown after all your giving from a place of trust. But I can see that has given you both great strength within regardless of what has happened. May the strength of that love know no bounds. Namaste
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Thank you Mark, from both of us…. 😉
Ray
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Many Blessings Mark, you are a very generous and kind friend.
Blessings Susan x
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Speechless and crying….:) Love you.
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Ditto, Kiddo… 😉
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Men like Ray are gifts, Susan. I am so glad you found each other, and that he cares for you that way.
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Many thanks Andra, I am too. Bless, Susan x
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Thank you for sharing these very visceral and tender experiences with us. Healing thoughts are with you. What a gift you have in your Ray.
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Thank you, I do realise, and realise more each day how fortunate I am to have Ray with me. We were lucky that when we met I was not anywhere as ill as this and it was the furthest thing from my mind. Time has a strange way of warping at times. Still we know what to expect when I finally beat this..and this and this 🙂 I greatly appreciate your thoughts.
Blessings Susan x
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[…] « My Husband, My Lover, My Friend. […]
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You are a true inspiration and you will get well and chase those thugs again!! Hope today was a good day for you and sending you good wishes.
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🙂
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