Owls and Orchids

Heavy orchid spray                      I love my orchids

Imperfectly Perfect

“Excellence is the Result of Caring more than others think is Wise, Risking more than others think is Safe, Dreaming more than others think is Practical, and Expecting more than others think is Possible.”

― Ronnie Oldham

 ~

Doing anything half-heartedly gains you very little except dissatisfaction with life, and the reason is very simple; it is because you are settling for second best. There are hundreds, if not thousands of quotations, some by the rich and famous and some who would like to be. What they all have in common is to tell you what you should do to reach the top, whatever the top happens to be for you.

It seems difficult for me to acknowledge that today is Friday, that the ‘end’ of the week is almost here. When I sat down to type I suddenly wondered where the week had flown and what I had achieved during that time to make it appear to have vanished. An entire five days vanished almost without me being aware of it.

image from anndr.deviantart.com                 In your imagination anything is possible

Of course I could make excuses and blame something or nothing for the ‘loss of time’, yet the sad fact is, I don’t have a good reason. What I think may be of even more concern, is the fact that I don’t feel that I’m on my own with this. Would you say I was being “Mindful” or that I was “Being present” in everything I had done?

Strangely enough the answer is yes. I complete my Gratitude Journal every morning, refresh my Affirmations and send my healing to those I know and those I don’t. I complete my Life Change 90 program each day, all reminders of times passing and making the best use of it for myself and others. And of course, I write. When I have completed my morning ritual I think about writing and I write, whatever it is that has made an impact on me or whatever ‘comes’ to me.

image from aniisah.wordpress.com –   Time where does it go?

Today, time was concerning me. The fact that I felt I was losing time… great chunks of time which I couldn’t really account for. Was my mind taking a siesta? Were my subconscious busy planning things for me to do in the future? I’m not sure and that lack of surety has made me feel uncomfortable. Have I been losing time that I haven’t been aware of? That is a truly scary thought.

Thoughts of Alzheimer’s, blackouts, seizures, or other malady which have no name, just visceral fears, ran amok through my mind. The fear of losing one’s faculties is a great one since there is usually little chance of coming back from such a problem. “Accepting what is”, as I have read previously, would simply not be something I could comfortably acquiesce to.

image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk       Bubbles of time floating away

I have to add this little incident which occurred moments ago. My husband told me he had a rather unpleasant headache, something which is unusual for him. However he is off in his little den with computer, doing heaven only knows what.  Since there was silence in the house I called out to him – and since he is concerned about my welfare he came to see that I was alright. Checking on his ‘timetable’ to the days close I asked him if he had taken his little blue headache tablets. He replied in the negative. He had become caught up in whatever he was doing and his headache was still thumping away, something I can validate only too easily. In a mock stern voice I said, “Well, you’d better take some immediately, and I mean that with the utmost infection!”  Infection? The moment the word escaped my lips I knew it was wrong and he fell into gales of laughter. Charming! It is said that laughter is the best medicine, but take it from one who had some dreadful headaches, laughing with a headache is to be avoided. At least for me it is.

Pre Lyme meds

Taking the humour from the situation, I ask myself where my mind was. What was I thinking about? Was I thinking? Was I being courteous, mindful and present with my husband? I was thinking about him, his headache, and his little pills and hoping he would be finished soon, so he could rest. So what caused the slip?

Truthfully, it is a little unnerving, a little frightening, and preys on my mind. I can blame ill-health, the brain fog, the medication, but is it? Is that the cause of these slip ups and loss of time? I believe there is nothing serious wrong, but it remains an unanswered question.

I question whether I have the right diagnosis since I feel no better after nine months of treatment than before, in fact I feel worse, much worse. New horrors are affecting my mind, my stability, feeling as though my spine will fall apart like a domino stack at any moment, cracks and creaks and severe muscle and joint aches. All these should surely be getting better by now – or at least some of them?

image from gardeningwithconfidence.com     Because beauty hides the pain

Today I looked at some photos taken just two years ago, just after we became engaged. Happy days! I have some photos taken just a couple of weeks before my Lyme diagnosis and all the medication I began taking. In both instances I looked happy, full of life and energy, and slim and smart. I know people say being slim is not a benchmark for how your life is and “If you’re fat, you’re fat – accept it”.  No way! Not this little black duck. If I had been overweight previously I could say it was a fair comment. The only difference is the medication and my worsening physical state.

So I’m left with a conundrum and many questions. Perhaps that is the reason for the slip. I hope if any of my ‘fellow Lyme sufferers” or the “Fibromites”,  or fellow bloggers I have come to know, have any insights, suggestions, or anything to calm overwrought nerves, I would be more than simply grateful. In fact, if anyone has any words of advice to offer I would listen since I know that solutions come from many strange and otherwise discounted places.

Orchids, always Perfect

I know I am “Imperfectly Perfect”. I might also be “Perfectly Imperfect” and that is how it should be. I am who and what I am. I care, for the people I have come to know, their hopes, their dreams, their problems and hurts. You, my readers, have become dear friends and I trust my dear friends to tell me the truth, their truth as they see it. From there it is my responsibility to find my truth.

That, to me is what a community is all about. It is, I hope, what our WordPress community has become. I have been welcomed, in my idiosyncrasies and that is a great gift, one I willingly reciprocate because friendship is a great gift.

I can live with “Imperfectly Perfect” since I accept I am a “work in progress. We all are.

My Dancing Lady Orchid.

“When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it.”  ~Bernard Baily

When the world seems full of imperfections, and answers are hard to find, there is a perfection in Orchids which soothes my heart, my mind and my soul.

Blessings,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014