Reflections of life
“It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you’d be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you’re going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn’t be there. Either that, or you’d confide in them and you added to their problems. All you ever really had was yourself, and that sort of sucked if you were less than reliable.”
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care
Its been one of those strange periods, when you know there is something coming, something unpleasant and you would do anything to avoid it if you could….. but in the end you can’t. It rears up and engulfs you and try though you may you can only try to keep some kind of footing. Some balance as everything turns you on your head.
All month I’ve said “It’s the lunar eclipse”, “It’s the partial solar eclipse”, “It’s just the sun flares”, and finally “It was just all the above and the planetary alignment and once October was over everything should settle back to normal. Whatever normal happens to be.” I was hoping that would be the case.
Yes, I was right and yet October isn’t quite over yet. More unexpected and unpleasant news on the health front which totally blew me away. Like so many other people I’d been caught out having a “minor episode” and my heart was showing all the signs of the problem which I’d put down to stress. It’s wonderful what stress can get up to. Yet I’m here and when I get my head around everything I’ll hopefully be back on that even keel and have my scattered wits flowing again. Just not at the moment. I need to find a stable point and be able to hold on until the world stops turning so quickly.
The only thing which has taken me by surprise, is the feeling of being let down, abandoned, by the one person I expected to understand that I was rocked to the core by this news and I thought they would cut me just a little slack. Perhaps I expected too much. It’s been a rough ride this past year and a half, but not all of it was due to my health. I’ve been riding that wave too.
I know I’ve been unpredictable for a week or so. I also know I could have handled this better. It’s not an excuse, but losing both Mum and Dad and then my dance with illness and Chronic Pain…. I simply wasn’t prepared for anything else. My bad!
So, at present I’m feeling as though I’ve been betrayed by someone I least expected it from. I didn’t need that on top of everything else. Silly of me to think it would make any difference. Life goes on or it doesn’t. In the grand scheme of things I’m unsure if I’d be really missed if I did ‘go’. I know that’s self-pity talking and I’ll ignore it shortly.
I’m really tired and can’t seem to relax or rest. I suppose my mind is just reeling. My meditation is helping but I don’t expect miracles in a short time…. it simply has never worked out that way. I’m getting better, but I suppose I’m a slow learner. I need to let it all out… you know, have a good cry but that’s one thing I have the most trouble with. Letting go and letting my vulnerability be seen.
For good or ill, I’m done today and this is going out as it is. This makes the first time I’ve done this….. I always sit on my post for a few hours and let the ideas settle, but I think I might be able to catch a few z’s. Maybe.
I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I’m sorry I let you down by being human, weak and needing support. I guess I’m not as hard and unfeeling as I thought I was. Perhaps tomorrow you’ll understand that there’s only so much a person can take before something has to give… or break.
So I’ll take my “broken heart” and hide away for a while. Heaven knows you may feel better if I’m out of the way.
Sunrise, chasing away the darkness
Blessings, Susan ♥
© Susan Jamieson, 2014
To image from Facebook.com
Owls and Orchids 
Mmm, bugger! That mountain was a bit higher than it looked eh! Half way up they stole your ropes. And then to be told there is no emergency service, your out of range. Most definitely not going to plan.
But I’ll give you this, with all going on you accessed where you were at and did the only thing you can do when everything goes belly up, and that’s look after yourself. Looked within to see why you are hurting and why it makes you feel the way that you do. Meditate on it, understand it, and then step out from under what was holding you back.
The lunar eclipse last week would have really rocked the boat a bit as it was throwing things in our faces so that we could understand and release what no longer works in our lives, and that will last for a while yet. And then the new moon eclipse this Friday that is about beginnings, a new start but without whatever was holding us back.
Where are you? What is it that you really want in your life and what can you do to achieve that?
First and foremost, rest, as you cannot function while your mind and body are run down. Give yourself some space first, find that healing for you, love yourself first and then give from there. And the world will change accordingly.
Good energy coming up, breeeeeathe and allow that cry, that release to remove what is no longer needed within as it heals that beautiful heart and opens a path to begin again.
It may feel really bad, but I know you can do it Susan. I see it every day in the heart of your words that you express here. In truth or in story, it is the world of a fighter who stands in her truth. Take care, Mark.
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Thank you Mark. Like most things in life it’s time which allows you to bring that perspective into being. Instead of pushing it into my overflowing locker of ‘things to deal with later”, I decided to start the process sooner rather than later.
As I said, the most difficult was feeling that lack of understanding I thought I’d get. That pain is possibly more than anything else.
Lack of sleep helps nothing of course, it definitely doesn’t help in problem solving. 😂
So from feelings of betrayal to abandonment issues it’s a gnarled knot. One way or another I’ll get there.
Blessings, Susan 💖
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Then I send you all the love I own to assist in your travels through that jungle of emotions we struggle with on a daily basis. Yes it eventually shows us much wisdom, but just sometimes it would be nice to go to the corner shop and buy a kilo or two. Surely that isn’t cheating too much 🙂
I know the love I see you share will see you through what must be a very difficult time. I’m still here (mind you, is that a plus or minus 🙂 ), and so are many others who care very much indeed.
Take care Susan, and don’t be too hard on yourself, these blips on the radar do take a little time so be fair with yourself and go gently. Mark xo
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You have much more support than you realise Darling!
Ray, forever and always.
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Forever and always seems to have been tossed out in yesteryears trash.
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Lady in Red, my dear friend, I’m so, so sorry you are going through all this, but as Mark L. has informed me, it’s all related to this last lunar eclipse. He knows his shit, I’m telling you. He always keeps Wild Flower in control. LOL I see he has the 2 of us to keep in line, along with several others, I’m sure. You have so many friends that love and care about you, more than you know. I just wish you weren’t halfway around the world. I would give you a gigantic bear hug, right now. I’m sending a gigantic cyber bear hug, for now. You know I’m always here for you, ALWAYS! Hang on because Mark says better things are about to happen, I sure as hell hope he’s right. It’s also okay to cry, trust me I cry all the time. I’m quite the cry baby, but it sure feels better than holding it all in, so if you feel you need to cry, don’t hold it in because it will just keep building and building until you explode, been there, done that. I’m here, don’t ever forget that. You know you can talk to me about anything and I feel I can talk about anything and everything with you. You got this. I know it sucks, but you can do this and you will..
peace out!
Love ya,
Wild Flower XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Betrayal is what hits the heart the hardest, which then moves to the brain and our sense of well being. I may be behind on reading blogs, but I’m glad I’m able to do so now. Even during a struggle, I love the way you describe things.
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Thank you – it’s so good to hear someone understands – unlike the person who flt compelled to tell me to stop complaining , being negative and a victim….. to simply “suck it up”. If only it were that simple at times.
Peace, Susan ❤
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Dear Susan. How could you feel you are letting anyone down (so speaks the queen of masochistic self loathing) just because you are feeling low and being honest? You should know that it helps others who may be having similar feelings to know thay are not alone. I get what you mean though. I have a difficult time really letting my darkest moments be seen. I am sending deepest thoughts for healing and rejuvenation for you. I do understand what you expressed. Hugs.
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