Owls and Orchids

Golden Sorceress, Golden Dragon

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” –Mary Anne Radmacher

It was never my intention to stop writing. Yet time rolls by like a river, never stopping and sometimes sweeping all in its path. Whether by intention or design I have been absent and I cannot say that I have been overwhelmed by vastly important things.

Each day I lament that another day has passed and no word had been placed on paper, no post scheduled, nothing mapped out for future comment. Simply the majestic revolution of the earth and the passing of time as it always has since the earth began. Each day I would ask myself “Why?” I would ask my Guides, “Why?” Silence was my reply.

Life continued. This beaten up hulk simply shrunk further into herself, asking the same questions…. “Why am I here?” “What is my purpose?” “What am I supposed to do?” I also asked myself if I was failing or was this meant to be. Apparent silence was my answer. Yet the need to communicate was still there, I simply lost faith in myself that I have anything to say which anyone would find interesting.

I learned that even if no-one else found my words interesting, it was important that I put them “out there”, for my benefit if for no-one else. After all, I had begun my blog, not with the intention of garnering a large audience, not even if anyone else was going to listen to what I said, and so I tried to gather my courage from the far reaches and start once more.

soulevolutioncenter.com.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”

― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Since it is important, I need to answer a simple question – Why did I stop writing at all? It wasn’t simply that I lost faith in myself as a writer, or that people didn’t want to hear what I had to say. It was, in fact, the belief that I was somehow a fraud. Why should that make a difference for after all, writers make up their stories for a multitude of reasons? They receive critical comments which may be soul destroying yet they continue because they believe in themselves.

Told I was lost in my “victimhood” and people were bored with the story, the negativity and complaints had to stop. I was devastated. Victimhood? How had that come up? It hadn’t I believe, and yet the comment was true. I was and am a victim and the comment, true though it was, hurt more than I had been prepared to hear. I was blindsided by it. I knew, deep inside that I was drowning in my life and internally complained about my lack of growth towards a better future. Only two people were aware of these facts, and only one made this statement.

Like most when faced with such a needlessly cruel attack at the time and place this occurred, I needed the question answered. Who said these things and how could they know what had occurred?

Imagw courtesy of http://www.josephinwwallart.co.uk

The bald truth! I had been an abused wife and stupidly had failed to recognise it like so many others. Yes, I’d spoken with professionals and remained as lost as I had before I’d spoken with them. Friends? I had none and even now I have only a small few. Trust is a hard commodity to offer. It’s true, it leaves you negative and perhaps, deep down, a complainer, yet I hoped, believed, I kept it locked away. I know I didn’t talk about it since I find it shameful and embarrassing.

Perhaps worst of all, this lightning bolt of understanding occurred at a time when I was struggling with the death of my mother. Even she had been told only bare brushstrokes of the circumstances, which still leave me feeling ill and ashamed.

“You are not a victim. No matter what you have been through, you’re still here. You may have been challenged, hurt, betrayed, beaten, and discouraged, but nothing has defeated you. You are still here! You have been delayed but not denied. You are not a victim, you are a victor. You have a history of victory.”
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

I would appreciate the opportunity to know and understand where the criticism came from. I would be grateful for the understanding of how to move through this to a happier place, untroubled by these thoughts. Yet, there is one further aspect to this “victimhood” which I have kept hidden.

The one person I expected to protect me, let me down. I went from being a self-sustained person with sufficient means to ensure a comfortable life to someone who has to fear losing my home, at any moment. The small amount of money I had in a Superannuation account, which was not to be “violated” is bleeding.

I feel trapped and alone. I feel as if I’ve been duped and conned and I have no-one to talk to. There is no easy exit. Can I create a new life of some kind? I am so tired, so despairing of making yet another mistake that I am frozen in place. This is where I’d prayed my Guide would help me to learn and grow. The pain of that one sentence reverberates daily.

Look to the future…..that is so difficult.

If “you” do read my words, I pray that you have the time and grace to let me know exactly where I “went wrong” at that time. How do I put all this behind me and move forward – alone – since I no longer feel that I can ask for your help? I trusted you. You gave me an unbelievable gift. You failed to see it but I was so overwhelmingly grateful that my paltry words and gestures of thanks went unnoticed.

“You have been there” which is why you understand. I wonder if you had someone to help you get through it? Family? Sisters, father, mother? I have none. No-one!

I’ve listened. As a “wake up call” it was like a fishwife gutting the catch. Clinically efficient. Yet still I read your posts first each day. Rubbing more salt into a raw wound. Yes, I pray, I meditate and ask for guidance. I also ask for a Mentor to offer to guide me through this so that I can take my place in the world. The place I know I own and belong in. You taught me that.

In the immortal words of David Bowie (Labyrinth), “Life can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel.”

As always I shall admire you for all you have been through, and wish that you could be the Mentor I was supposed to find. Until then I will do the best I can do. Is that not what we are asked for? Being the best version of ourselves that we can?

colourful bejewelled dragons  

 “There are times in my life when I have been medicine for some while poison for others. I used to think I was a victim of my story until I realized the truth; that I am the creator of my story. I choose what type of person I will be and what type of impact I will leave on others. I will never choose the destructive path of self and outward victimization again.”

― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

This is the first day of the rest of my life. Let’s see how it all plays out.

Blessings, Susan. ♥

© Susan Jamieson, 2015

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