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Acceptance

image from lightworkers.org                     The Angel of Acceptance

“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”   Lao Tzu

Acceptance, such an easy word to say, an easy thing to recommend, but not always as easy to do. Without looking outside oneself for a moment, lets look at how we accept ourselves and our lives.

In good times it is relatively easy to be happy and content with life, to accept who you are, your life, which includes friends and family, to be content with your work or career and plan for the future. If there are bumps in the road it is usually fairly easy to steer your way through the hazard and arrive at your intended destination with a cheerful disposition. There are, of course, occasions when the bumps might be mountainous and you need the rely on family and or friends to get you over the hurdle. It may even happen that your destination gets changed and new and different options are suddenly brightening your horizon. It’s not all beer and skittles but its doable.

Yet, if life has thrown you a curve ball for which there could be no preparation or forewarning, how adept would you be at accepting that? All your plans, thoughts for the future, goals, hopes, dreams, torn asunder and you feel at the whim of fate. Family and friends alike seem to lose patience with you for not “Sucking it up” for not “Getting on with it” and “Getting a grip on yourself”. Even if they are still there you feel lost, alone, abandoned. You feel as though you are looking through a mask at the world or the world is looking at you through a mask, neither can see the other as they are.

Acceptance

image from http://www.josephinewall.co.uk     The illusion of connection

To accept oneself in a situation where all you have known and loved, worked towards, planned for has been cruelly taken from you, is, I believe, a big ask. It takes time, time to learn how you, as you are now, fit into your new world view. It’s not easy having to ‘ask’ the very people who are part of your life to learn to accept you as you are now. There is a part of you, large or small, which resents having to change, resents having to ask people to accommodate those changes. In fact, it can be nothing short of a mammoth struggle.

It feels as if you are somehow diminished by something you haven’t asked for and do not want. It feels against the natural order to have to ask for ‘special treatment‘ or ‘acceptance‘ because you cannot be the person they have known thus far, that you are not the person they knew thus far. In fact you may desperately not want to be this person.

Yet, the changes are permanent or even semi permanent but you have no idea how long the change will be, you have to come to an understanding of the reality which is now yours. I have heard that the people around you have to make allowances for your changed behaviour, your mood swings, grumpiness and sadness at being unable to do all that you did with such ease and flair before. They may even avoid you. They may even stop seeing you completely because they don’t wish to accommodate those changes.  The charitable people will call them ‘fair weather friends’.

Perhaps I haven’t learned to be so gracious yet since I simply call them – something much less charitable. Perhaps I’m still struggling with acceptance. It always seems to be a contradiction in terms. I cannot fail to accept the status quo since I cannot change it. I can, by dint of will and prayer, ask for help from my Guides, Angels, Spirit helpers, to allow me to understand why this is so and how I can manoeuvre my way through it. I can try to find a way to turn my topsy-turvy life around so it appears to have some semblance of cohesion. Whilst my days become nights and my nights become days and my social interaction is reduced to doctors, specialists and, by the grace of the Universe, my friends in cyberspace, I, whilst struggling within my cocoon, can continue to work towards acceptance.

Acceptance

image from http://www.illustrationsource.com    The miracle of connection.

I read recently that acceptance is “letting go.” To paraphrase the analogy, it was to allow the river of life to embrace you, as you are, to fall into its depths and allow your pain, your struggle, your everything to be subsumed by the gentleness of the river until you rise to the surface, renewed, the struggle released and acceptance of life ignited in your heart and soul. The wonderful idea of finding that peaceful acceptance is a glorious reward.

It would make the tears and anguish, the struggle have some meaning. It would bring the strength to continue to find new meaning, new ways to simply Be, be in the moment, be mindful, to allow that spiritual being to shine forth once more.

There is no guarantee that the bright spirit which began this journey is the one which will complete it. It simply means that the bright spirit whom you are will complete its journey in its human form. The struggle part of the journey which we chose before we arrived.

It may not be easy. I may need help for which I have to learn to ask. If that help is not found then I will need to look elsewhere. I am carrying the strength of my forebears, my ancestral family in spirit, and I know they will always be there if I can find no others to walk this path with me. They too can help me to learn to accept whatever my life offers me, with a grace and composure which may crack, but which will eventually lead me to my safe haven.

I will never be asked to do more than I can bear. I will never be asked to walk this path alone. I only need to see those who are with me and for this I am most grateful. It may have taken time for me to reach this understanding. I may slip from time to time, but acceptance will always be there for me. I simply need to understand that I am acceptable as I am and in that knowledge, peace is waiting.

Acceptance

image from ispygod.net      “I am always there”

Acceptance, in its many forms, from both without and within, can be found, but only if we truly wish to find it. It may not be easy and a supportive environment and friends can make it much easier, but even alone, it can be done.

May we all find acceptance and peace. It is our birthright if we but take it up. With the right outlook and patience, even I will make it. With your help.

Many Blessings,

Susan xx

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

Recollections of that Christmas are strange, some vague and others thrown into stark relief. At times I felt alone in a darkness so profound I wondered if I would ever emerge again. I can remember desperately wanting to make it as happy and carefree as possible, easy and light, a remembrance of all the beautiful Christmas’ we had spent together. Above all it had to be as far removed from the reality of the situation as possible.  Despite the strain in Mum’s face, she was happy. Her family were around her and the love was overflowing. It was all I could have asked for. I was grateful my prayers were answered.

As though Christmas had never occurred it was back to ‘normal’ as soon as the New Year came around.  Hubby had spent plenty of time fuming over my response and as a result I wasn’t too surprised when, early in the new year, he advised me he wasn’t interested in trying to make a go of things, he wanted a divorce. It was a bad move on his part. I had a strong feeling that I should move and quickly. I haven’t felt such an urging before so I did exactly as he asked. As soon as the courts opened for business in the new year I went in, filled out the paperwork and less than three months later it was all over. He got his divorce finalised (the decree nisi) on his birthday. It wasn’t planned that way by me, but I have a feeling Spirit, and of course Dad had a lot to do with the speed of things. I had more important things on my mind. The darkness was drawing in. I also decided to change my name – I needed to sever the ties to him completely.

In early March Mum was rushed back into hospital and we, at least I, had been told that she wouldn’t be going home again. She hated the hospital and couldn’t rest. I was called earlier each day because she was calling for me, so I was there from 5am or earlier until 7pm when my brothers arrived for their hour-long visit! All day I made sure she received her morphine shots to ease the pain.  When they wore off during the night she was too ‘out of it’ to ask for more. My brothers thought she was doing okay because they only saw her after a day with regular pain shots. She was alert and pain free for their short visit. They refused to accept how dire the situation was. Several falls from bed and very nasty injuries and the hospital talked hospice. Mum was terrified since, even in her muddled state, she was aware what it meant. She wouldn’t be going home. It was prophetic that she had always said she would die in a hospital and that had made her more concerned about hospital visits during her life.

image from blog.iloveqatar.net

I was taking some enormous risks. I wasn’t sleeping, hardly eating and began having strange ‘black outs’ as I was driving to the hospital. At 120km/hr it was scary, and yes I was exceeding the speed limit.  They had begun when she was at home but I wasn’t going to say anything. She needed me with her. I was the one who bathed her and changed her clothes, helped her into and out of bed. I held her hand and prayed as I sent Reiki into her frail body. I think by then I had stopped thinking about anything else. I had to be there.

The day I was informed she was being transferred to the hospice was horrendous. I had been there again since 4am after she had fallen from bed and had seriously hurt her arm. It was heart wrenching to see the nurses try to dress the wounds, finally admitting when they couldn’t remove the dressings that it didn’t matter if they were changed.  My universe was collapsing.

The day was a nightmare.  The ambulance transfer was a trip from hell. Once we reached the hospice I helped get Mum changed and into her new bed. She curled up and “went to sleep.” I continued to give her Reiki until my brothers began to arrive.  They arrived around 7pm. After a half an hour they decided to leave since Mum was obviously “asleep”. My gut told me to stay. My car was back at the other hospital. Despite knowing I shouldn’t leave I allowed myself to be persuaded to go to my car and go home. Something inside screamed at me to stay, but out numbered and feeling cornered I felt I had no choice. I was so wrong and I can never forget that.

I debated, for the longest time, about going back to her, but I hadn’t seen my children and I was feeling drained. I arrived home as the phone began ringing. My mother had passed away ten minutes after I left her. I don’t remember the drive back, only coming back to myself when I arrived at the hospice as saw my brother there. I was angry. He had arrived first and had decided to sign all the paperwork. He didn’t want to stay at all. He didn’t want me to stay either, but he did want me to go back to Mum’s house with him  (where he was living) to talk about what ‘we’ had to do. A new nightmare was about to begin, one which would threaten to drown me.

image from bleeding_eye_by_flauschvampire91

image from bleeding_eye_by_flauschvampire91

That walk through Mum’s front door felt like a knife wrenching through my heart. Inside my head a scream reverberated. I wanted out! I wanted a little space to think! I needed to find something to hold onto! I was adrift in uncharted waters and I was drowning already. Somehow, some way, I had to find how to keep going and stay sane. I felt I was faced with a stacked deck, just how much that was true was to come to light soon enough.

.

Next week – A New Nightmare Begins.

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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in flow, the relationship between what a person had to do and what he could do was perfect. The challenge wasn’t too easy.
Nor was it too difficult. It was a notch or two beyond his current abilities, which stretched the body and mind in a way that made the effort itself
the most delicious reward. That balance produced a degree of focus and satisfaction that easily surpassed other, more quotidian,
experiences. In flow, people lived so deeply in the moment, and felt so utterly in control, that their sense of time, place, and even self melted
away. They were autonomous, of course. But more than that, they were engaged.”
― Daniel H. Pink

I had a plan. Just a simple plan. I only had one important outside event to undertake today and I felt I had plenty of time to sit down and write.  I even had a reasonably good story line worked out – not off the cuff for a change. Halloween only comes once a year.

Yet life is about being “In the Moment”, being able to adapt to what occurs and still make it valuable and fulfilling. It is also “Being Mindful”.  It sounds so trite at times and yet it is profound. If we get it right then life flows and everything is easy, there are no hard parts to butt up against. At least if we do we are able to handle them with ease and grace and life simply is.

I had an energy healing yesterday which is far too involved to go into tonight. It’s late and it has been a big day. I know it’s been a big day because of the healing… I simply know this and I’m not going to try to downplay it.

I had a simple EEG scheduled just after lunch.  I was so filled with all the information from my healing that I think I lost focus on getting into a sleep ritual, something I must do. I haven’t slept now for four nights and I’m a little unglued, as one does become without good sleep.

My dearly loved and irreverent hubby decided it would be hilarious to photograph me at the worst possible moment.  The Sputnik like photographs have been confiscated and consigned into the ‘never to be revealed to the light of day’ locked casket and I have the only key. The penalty has yet to be decided upon and the delivery will have to be totally unexpected.

I am pleased to say I did NOT look like this…  this is more a Young Einstein copycat, but not me.

However, I had a head full of blobs of sticky goo which would not come out. Painfully teasing the lumps from my hair was unpleasant, seeing my hair looking like I had already had a Halloween fright was not part of the plan. I had shops to visit… an outing planned to change the tempo of my days.

A quick shower later and my hair looking reasonable after a quick shampoo, I at lest looked part of the human race again. However, something happened on the way to the receptionist. My body didn’t want to follow orders.  I’d had a torrid time during the part of the EEG when the lights were flashing, flickering strobe like  and generally trying to bore through my frontal lobe. Most disagreeable.

Back at the car I focused on my beautiful latte to come, sure to pick me up again. However, the walk to the coffee shop was painfully slow and painful! All the ‘comfy’ seats were taken – one booth by what I can only assume were a pair of madams discussing their girls. You didn’t need to eavesdrop, their conversation was loud enough to broadcast over the centre. Educational – no, irritating – oh yes!

“We let ourselves loose on that simple blank piece of paper, and our bodies spill. The terror, the love…embodying our stories page after page. In a sense, the pen was our tongue, it is how we delineate the world.”
Coco J. Ginger

The Pen Shoppe, a delight, a torment, a veritable smorgasbord of beautiful objects for me to drool over. Yes, I’m a stationery collector and beautiful pens tops the list – although the list is quite large. Fortunately my husband also loves all things stationery… cool isn’t it!

Yet I wasn’t getting my subtle charge from my favourite surroundings. After a short visit we popped next door to my yummy delicious and resistance destroying, Crystal Shop.

The Crystal Cafe... too good to pass up

The Crystal Cafe… too good to pass up

The energies in here have always perked me up but today I was dragging myself around. If I could have found a geode large enough I think I would have crawled inside.  After a really short visit for me we left and decided to come home. Once back I faded into semi oblivion for two hours. I still feel slightly disconnected so I’m closing with well wishes for Halloween and I’ll catch up tomorrow, after all, memories last forever.

“Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen, Voices whisper in the trees, Tonight is Halloween!”

– Dexter Kozen

Blessings, Susan xx

© Susan Jamieson 2-13

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Sunrise, the magic of a new day.

Sunrise, the magic of a new day.

There is nothing quite like the sun rising from the far side of the ocean and begin to light the sky. The glittering sparkles of life as the sunbeams dance across the ocean create a picture which speaks for itself.  Even after a sleepless night it seems to put a period at the end of the darkness and signals a new light for the day. Anything is now possible.

Moonlight on water.

Moonlight on water.

At the other end of the spectrum, and day, is the interplay of light and dark. A reversal of the morning but with it’s own unique magic. It brings to mind that all things are possible within the velvety cloak of the night, especially when the magic moonlight is infusing the area. It can bring chills of anticipation to the soul.

Halloween was not ‘celebrated’ when I first came to Australia and whilst we never went to the joyous extravaganzas of America, as children we used to have fun.  With a full and unpleasant day planned tomorrow, (foisted on me by necessity), I hope to share some of the memories from that time. If not, we’ll see what happens. Until then, we had a little fun and let the inner child play and I though you might like to see.

Letting the imagination run free.

Letting the imagination run free.

In a spirit of playfulness we decided to experiment with the camera and lighting and I quite liked the effect. Since they were done for fun I think we managed to achieve our aim.  I wanted to show that despite the obstacles we may find along the way, a little light hearted play can do wonders to bring out the inner child. Here’s a similar pose with Ray. (He’s a little more shy).

A reflective pose. Mysterious and saturnine. Love it.

A reflective pose. Mysterious and saturnine. Love it.

Of course it wouldn’t be the same without some of the flora and fauna around. We were lucky to see a frilly lizard in the garden, obviously disturbed by the new building site. Unhappy for him but good for us.

I'm not happy here. I think I'll just pass on through.

I’m not happy here. I think I’ll just pass on through.

Since I’m showing off my flora I have to include my beautiful Dancing Lady Orchid It’s been a mass of flowers for weeks. As each of the budding orchids flower I’ll include them somewhere in my blogs. They are a passion of mine  so I know you’ll understand.

Dancing Lady Orchid.

Dancing Lady Orchid.

To finish off, a panoply of colour and shapes. I may have trouble handling the heat but this explosion and profusion of colour and light, shape and form, the beauty and joy of life, is surely the best indication of love Mother Nature has given us.

If  you click on the photos you can see the colours so much better.

I hope you enjoy a wander through my garden of love, right where the life is.

Blessings to you in your love filled life.

Ciao, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

I was waiting for the imminent disaster to fall on me, or us, not quite knowing what it was and thus unable to prepare myself for it. I suspected what it was, prayed it wasn’t and waited.

Time passed and things limped along, until the day arrived when Mum had to be admitted to hospital.  I can’t even begin to say why I knew this was different. The energies around Mum seemed thick and Dad’s presence was so strong. As she always had done in the past she rallied and the hospital were almost ready to let her come home – but only after we had made an appointment to see the doctors!

image from www.the guardian.com

image from http://www.the guardian.com

It really didn’t take Einstein to work out what was going to happen. We were told very simply that Mum had finally reached the terminal stage and that because of her condition she could only go home if they (the hospital) could be assured that she would have someone with her 24 hours a day. In less than a heartbeat I discounted my business, it wasn’t important, and told them I could look after her during the days. My brother, who hated living alone and had moved home before Dad died would be there in the evenings and nights. Even though he was at home, they looked to me to settle the matter.  It was my responsibility and I told them we could manage it. I was the eldest, it was what I did.

It goes almost without saying that my children were right behind me, it was their Grandma after all. It hurt to have to tell them the bad news, but I think we were all expecting it one day, we had simply hoped it wouldn’t be soon. I say soon, we had been prepared for years but when the time arrives it is always too soon. . I thought my hubby was also “on board”. They had gotten along well in the past and being embarrassed that things weren’t great at home I hadn’t talked to Mum about it. Since I was basically supporting him, and had been all along I really didn’t expect any hassles.

Is it ironic that I truly enjoyed the months I spent alone with Mum each day? When I could see how things were and had been happening every day, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t done something to correct it. I didn’t like how Mum had been looked after as she became more fail. I didn’t like the fact that I was so preoccupied with my woes that I hadn’t seen what was happening when I visited. I hadn’t visited enough! So, without telling my brother I started spoiling her. I bought her things which would tempt her to eat, treats to make her smile, little gifts she wanted but he disapproved of. What he didn’t know wasn’t going to cause a problem and I wasn’t seeking a pat on the back for loving my mother.

If I could have given her my lungs for her to breathe instead of the horrible asthma attacks compounded with the emphysema – I would have. I couldn’t do any of those things. I could send her healing to ease things, so my Reiki training was very useful. I could help her through the attacks but I couldn’t stop them and I knew time was running out. She loved watching that crazy soap, “Days of Our Lives” and each time I saw that hourglass and heard the theme…..”like sands through the hourglass” I had to bite my lip to stop tears.  I bathed her and washed her hair, bought new nighties to brighten her days and a lead light lamp which caused a furor.

I didn’t broadcast what I considered small things to help her through the dark days. I loved her and it was irrelevant that I tell anyone what ‘a wonderful daughter I was’. It’s strange how people perceive things later.

We talked a lot about “afterwards” and I explained to her all I knew and believed. Dad’s scent was so strong in the house and she admitted she could feel him. She was frightened that there may not be anything afterwards, and I fear it was one of the reasons she clung on for so long, but our talk brought some measure of comfort and I could feel her accept that there may be more for her than she had feared.

A month before Christmas I arrived home after a difficult day of asthma attacks to be welcomed by this statement. Hubby, “This isn’t working out. I’ll be moving out on Friday. I’ll take my things when I’ve worked out where I’m going.”  For one second I was dumbfounded and then I blazed like a volcano erupting. I know my voice was like ice, as though I had killed something inside.

I remember saying, “Don’t think about waiting until then. I’m not leaving you in my house alone until Friday. Pack your bags and get out now. You can call to talk about the rest on Saturday. Now – GO!”

With a frosty glare he opened his mouth and I said, “Don’t think about it, If you don’t leave now my son will put you out.” (My son is a big man and was capable of doing just that, in fact he would have loved it. Which shows the level of discontent still in the house).

image from footage.shutterstock.com –

He left, I had too much on my mind at that time to worry about it. I was advised by my insurance company that if I wanted to be covered in the event of ‘things’ being missed later, I had to have the locks changed. He came back when the locksmith was changing the locks. Such was the animosity in hubby’s face that he, the locksmith, was reluctant to leave. Truthfully, I think I would have welcomed him trying anything. It would have been a distraction. I was becoming numb and anything would have been a welcome distraction.

But, the end was fast approaching.

Losing myself.

Losing myself.

Each day I felt I was losing myself. I had no one to talk to, I had to remain strong for everyone and yet I felt the cracks widening more and more.

.

Next week – Losing my way

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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Robby Rosella taking a good look at the world.

Robby Rosella taking a good look at the world.

The more chances I had to see the little birds inside the nest, the more excited I became at seeing them finally come out to say hello to the world. We now knew there were two babies inside from the earlier photos.  There was always a lot of pushing and maneuvering around inside the hole (nest) but we could only make out bodies and feathers. Looking into the darkened interior it was guesswork to say how many babies were inside.

What I loved most at this time was seeing how quickly they changed.  You could see  them growing in front of you as their feathers became more colourful and they really started to look more than pink skinned bodies.  Between the parents and last years offspring flying to and fro constantly it made me think of a Rosella highway.

No, I don't think they have to worry about getting fat.

No, I don’t think they have to worry about getting fat.

Then, in the middle of last week I though I heard the sound of something hitting one of the windows. Not very loudly and there was silence after it. Since I was ‘laid up’ at the time, I took myself to the bedroom window to see what had made the noise. I thought something had hit the laundry window but wasn’t sure.

I did not only do a double take but took several minutes to convince myself I was actually seeing what was in front of me.  He was actually six feet away. but it took that long for my eyes to adjust and pick him out next to the rock wall. The Rosella parents have obviously been encouraging them to come out of the nest – at least they were doing lots of talking to the babies after they had fed them, so I’m guessing that was what prompted this.

Now how did I get here?

Now how did I get here?

Unhurt but unsure of what to do he stayed right where he was. Should I try to help him?

I'm just going to look at this funny thing in front of me and pretend I'm back home.

I’m just going to look at this funny thing in front of me and pretend I’m back home.

So, here is Robby, (we think he may be a male from the colourful plumage, but that’s only a guess), sitting in front of the rock wall and looking slightly bemused. He had obviously been braver than his sibling and decided to come out of the nest to have a look at the big bright world, but had fallen afoul of a gust of wind and down he had sailed. My dilemma was what to do. Should I try to catch him and return him to his nest or would he be safe enough until he could get back himself?

The sound of a door closing inside the house saw Robby flutter up into the garden where we could hear him chirping plaintively. Unable to bear the suspense I crept quietly outside to see if he was alright.  There he was hiding under the foliage, standing so still I had to strain to see him. They are incredibly well camouflaged.

If you click on the photos they will open up for a better view.

He must have felt safe because apart from a peak out he decided to stay well hidden under the shrubbery.  The adults started chirping away and we could hear the little fellow answer so it wasn’t long until they started to make their way down to locate him and to feed him.

If you click on the photos they will open up for a better view.

Robby was apparently not ready to relinquish what he felt was a nice safe place to hide. There was plenty of foliage around him since he was in the middle of the Prince of Orange Ixora. I’m sure the fragrance from the flowering Hoya would have reminded him of his nice safe nest too. After a nerve-wracking night, for the human watchers at least, and a brief shower, we resumed an unobtrusive watch on Robby’s progress.

The adults were becoming louder in their calling. Whether they were trying to encourage his brother or sister to come out or Robby to get home I’m not sure, however about mid morning we received another surprise when we saw this.

Two more babies inside the nest.

Two more babies inside the nest.

Ray had seen one make the leap earlier in the day so that meant we had a clutch of four baby Rosellas inside the nesting box. (Does it show we felt like proud parents ourselves)?

That only left the question of Robby. A night on the ground, even being fed by his parents, was obviously not what he was happy about. He began a trek in quick dashes across the grass towards the far wall bordering our neighbours garden.  The grass there was a little higher (late with the mowing, lucky for him), so with his colouring he was almost invisible.

A couple of the adults were calling from the tree and two came down onto the ground to encourage him to ‘make a leap’. Another one.

If you click on the photos they will open up for a better view.

As dusk drew down we were wondering if Robby was destined to spend another night on the ground alone. The adults had been feeding him regularly but it certainly sounded like he had a pep talk after each feeding.  Suddenly there was an explosion of sound, feathers flapping and a whirring as he took off and sailed up onto the roof.  An adult was soon on the scene and from the noise which sprang up a short time later we presumed he had made it back to the home tree. Success!

All the babies are now hopping around the tree, scavenging my Grevillea for honey and filling out nicely. The riot of colour seeing them flitting through the tree is magical. It has certainly melted my heart seeing the family reunited.  Rosellas maintain family groups often and come back to help  raise subsequent clutches of young. It certainly is a beautiful example of the circle of life.

On watch, at home.

On watch, at home.

A happy ending for our Rosella family. No doubt they will be back again since they have claimed the nesting site. I am going to look forward to seeing them again.

I hope you enjoyed our little excitement at the Rosella tree.

Blessings.  Susan  x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

If you missed the first part of the story and would like to catch up.

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“There are as many worlds as there are kinds of days, and as an opal changes its colors and its fire to match the nature of a day, so do I.”
― John Steinbeck

.

Despite the fact that I was relieved I wouldn’t be going on further tours with Cherylane, I still felt let down over how things had turned out. I spent quite some time wondering if I was, in fact, totally wrong about that I should be doing with myself.  In short, I began to wonder if I was meant to be following ‘this’ spiritual path. It didn’t help when I read about her doing her tours and going on a TV show, which she won. I couldn’t help but think of the Jekyll and Hyde and wondered what her adoring fans would think if they knew the real person. But being a bitch doesn’t change what she did and I didn’t want that as part of who I was so I let it ride.

Whether it was simply knowing I didn’t have to go on the road again, or doubting what I should be doing I found myself in a growing amount of pain. In fact it seemed to become substantially worse overnight, each night!  The best the doctors could come up with was… the usual STRESS! Then finally it was decided I had Chronic Fatigue, a name,  but totally unhelpful diagnosis. It appeared that after acknowledging I had CF that I was to ‘learn to live with it’. Rest was all I could do, that and whatever was within my ability to do without causing a flare up. I really love the “live with it” attitude I hear so often. If you’ve got a,b,or c, “accept it”, “learn to live with it” because “it is what it is”.  I must have missed out on the Saint instructions. I’m still struggling to accept the status quo. I feel if I do then I will sink into oblivion.

image from myjustliving.com

Bumping into a friend from my old spiritual circle was a turning point in many ways. I began going to a new circle she was running and the meditations were both soothing and enlightening, Apart from the rampant tiredness which annoyed me when I was meditating, the injury to my neck made it almost impossible to keep my head upright. If I rested my head back on the chair there was always the possibility I would fall asleep.  I was relieved when I was told to stop worrying about it – if I fell asleep I would still benefit from the meditation and Spirit were helping me to heal.  The relief was huge. Guilt over something outside your control can be devastating, especially if you are made to feel you are showing a lack of respect for something outside your control.

I started back with the healing group also and continued my Melchizedek training. It’s difficult to describe the experiences and feelings from the healing and the meditations we did. It felt as though I traveled backwards and forwards in time and space and during the healing, into and through the body. It was mind-blowing to put it mildly. At times I would end the meditations and healings in tears at the incredible things I saw and felt.  Whatever had happened before, I felt I was where I should be. I should add that these experiences occurred when I was giving as well as receiving healing. At least  many of the people I gave healings to said this to me.

There was a continued ‘presence’ of spirit around me. I could sense Dad’s presence by scent and he seemed to be spending more and more time with me. I would hear him calling in my sleep which seemed odd when I knew he had already passed over. Then I realised that each time Dad’s presence was the most strong were the times Mum was having an attack or was ill. Time was passing and I felt an urgency that the one thing I didn’t want to happen was drawing closer.

After my divorce I had eventually remarried. (Some lessons are hard to learn). The honeymoon period hadn’t lasted very long and things had been rocky for a while. Tensions had mounted whilst I was traveling with Cherylane and I had a household of discontent, and it wasn’t solely mine!  I started a small business working from home, healing and card reading which was working out fine. I could limit the clients to how many I knew I could manage so it didn’t overly concern me that it was only slowly growing.  There was a great deal of satisfaction as my skills at healing and accuracy with readings continued to grow. Being at home seemed to ease some of the tensions there, even if they didn’t help my health very much.

I felt that I needed to remain available, but if asked I would have been hard pressed to give anyone an explanation. Meanwhile the pain intensified. I had my gallbladder removed and was disappointed it didn’t help my health improve. It reminded me of my near death experience, well as close to one as I think I’ve had. This happened when my children were both in Primary School. If you’d like to catch up on my near death experience. Just follow the link.

There was an intense feeling of momentous change which left me feeling uncomfortable. I suspected what was coming and desperately wanted to avoid it. So I prayed, for the first time in a very long time, very selfishly, for myself. At least that’s how it felt to me. If  my prayers were answered it was not how I expected, but then they rarely are.

image from embracethechildrennj.webs.com

“Prayer is when you talk to God; meditation is when you listen to God.” ~Author Unknown

Blessings,  Susan xx

Next week – Old Doors Close

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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