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Posts Tagged ‘coping skills’

#NoWayOut

Time was running out quickly

There was nowhere left to run

Nowhere left to hide

No way to reach the safety of the house

Or the safe escape through the stone circle high in the mountains.

The hunter they had brought in was too good

She had been harried and hunted

From the moment she reached the forest

Running and hiding at every turn

She had almost reached the end of her strength

As she hid near the edge of town once more.

Yet the yearning drew her onwards

More strongly with each passing second

With each heart stopping howl from the mountains

Her mate, her partner, her daylight lover

Waiting, ever more frantic as the minutes slipped by

As she herself yearned to be with him again.

The moon was full and rode high in the almost clear sky

The one blessing of this pain filled night

Scenting the wind she was sure she smelled rain

As low on the horizon lightning flashed

In the afterglow she could see scudding clouds rushing in.

The hunter was closing in still

She remained frozen in place, waiting for the moment

The moment she might escape.

Cool droplets of water brought a sharp tang to her nose

So much more sensitive in her wolf form

Clouds and rain grew heavier as time passed

The loamy scent of the earth growing stronger with the rain.

Carefully she stretched each limb

Bringing the blood flowing strongly through cramped muscles

The afterimage of the lightning flash temporarily blinding her hunters

The dark clouds and heavy rain masking her scent

She took her one chance and ran

Fleeing as fast as limbs too long immobilised

Were asked to be fleet once more.

As she slipped under cover of the forest

She heard a guttural sound behind her

The hunter had been waiting, but

As luck would have it this time

He misjudged his prey.

She loped off towards the mountains

Revelling in the blood coursing through her veins

In time she would reunite with her mate

The one who would become her lover come sunrise

As they moved to yet another place

To live free for a time before being forced to leave again.

Such was their life as wolf and human

Yet they would not trade it for any other

So long as they were together.

Together they now were, reunited at last

Their happiness all that mattered

Shared as wolf, or man and woman

Love knew no bounds

In the wildness of their world.

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Alexander 2015

©Susan Jamieson 2015

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#Sleep of the Damned
   If Only I Could, I surely Would

 

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out; it’s all about timing.” Stacey Charter

I know about the sleep of the damned. It’s not quite what you might think. No diving into a hellish deep, tortured souls tearing you apart – perhaps it is for some, but not for me.

Mine lies somewhere between a light doze and wakefulness. It’s the lightest doze imaginable where my heartbeat plays time with my thoughts. Thoughts in colour and action to make sleeping a sometimes joke. Occasionally I’ll slip in the transition between the two and fall into sleep’s welcome embrace. Of late, it’s filled with vibrant dreams, some easy to understand, some so confused I’m not sure where the middle, beginning and end are. But that too is immaterial here.

For several weeks, I have fought a good fight against the effects of a niacin flush. Sounds like a fancy cocktail, but without the little umbrella! Instead, it’s a detox strangle – melodramatic, I’m sure. Yet I told “them” I was allergic to “B” vitamins. I’ve had to be careful for years, guarding myself against anything containing “B” vitamins which it seems my body cannot tolerate, all except B12, in which I am so deficient they call it ‘Pernicious Anaemia’!

So my niacin flush – beautiful blushes of sunset red or sunrise hues – more like sunrise I think, as it’s followed by the rising heat of the blush and a raging conflagration – akin to a wildfire. It cannot be quenched or put out, nor tamped down. I have to allow it to – yes, flush through my body.

Like most things it’s good and bad. The good is the benefit of the detox, removing those things harmful to me. The bad – oh just the crippling migraines, light sensitivity, crushing aches and pains as though my body is being torn apart.

Even this could be managed with good rest. Yet the pain, muscle, bone, head all combine to throw a huge barricade across that nebulous boundary between the twilight doze and real sleep, hence the “sleep of the damned”!

It’s frustrating since I crave organisation. I like my ordered routines. Poetry, stories, conversation and more, photos and sharing my thoughts. That has been tossed out like yesterday’s garbage, until my niacin flush has gone away.

If I find it frustrating, it may be worse for those trying to follow my blog, since you have no idea what or when I’m publishing. It pains me to say it, as so much else does at present, but I’m having to learn patience. It’s a dreadful curse, one I’ve fought most of my life. But I promise you this, I will be back on track, with my writing and my schedule, just as soon as I’ve put out my bushfire!

Since today was my day to visit my doctor and half a dozen hypodermics later, thought is a vague thing, and vision is blurry. You might say the spirit is willing but the body is weak. Hence this little explanation for you to understand my dilemma. Now I look forward to another night of the sleep of the damned again!

 

Blessings, Susan, ♥

© Susan Jamieson, 2014

© Executive Sorceress, 2014

Image from http://www.josephienwallart.co.uk  

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#Advance and Retreat

Image courtesy of flickr.com

 “Not to give up under any circumstances should be the motto of our life: we shall try again and again, and we are bound to succeed. There will be obstacles, but we have to defy them. So do not give up, do not give up! Continue, continue! The goal is ahead of you. If you do not give up, you are bound to reach your destined goal.”
Sri Chinmoy, The Jewels of Happiness: Inspiration and Wisdom to Guide Your Life-Journey

There are times when it feels almost impossible to find out why things happen the way they do. At other times the steps you’ve taken to reach a point can be all too apparent. It doesn’t always mean that either scenario is palatable.

Several months ago I determined that I was going to push myself to my limits – and beyond, in order to help with our move, relocation to Queensland. The aches, the pains, discomfort, at times the agony and tears were expected. Not always palatable but, “I’d signed up for this” so I was aware of the possible consequences. In fact, they weren’t possible but probable consequences of suddenly throwing a body, already reduced to what felt like a meagre existence limping through each day, into what was, beyond mere normalcy when contemplating the workload of packing and unpacking a household.

Since then, and our move to Queensland, there has been more of the same. Yet along with that there was also a greater sense of achievement. Here I was after so many dreary pain filled months, achieving more than I had for such a long time. My decision to make my body work, like a normal body would, in ways it had been unable to without a great deal of pain meant I would have to accept the natural consequences. The achievement, the sense of purpose made the pain and tears and discomfort worthwhile.

As the old saying goes, “I paid in spades.” Yet, to me it was well worth it. I was doing something worthwhile. That sense of achievement long missed was a heady drug which helped me feel a little stronger, a little happier and much more contented as each day passed. Such are the things we measure our successes by.

#Advance and Retreat

image courtesy of howtoraiseyourvibration.blogspot.com

I have yet to find a straight road in life. In fact, I sincerely doubt there is such a thing as a straight road through life. Each road is meant to have its bends, uphill, downhill, roundabouts and the usual missed turns which send you back the way you’ve already been. I believe it’s the way we are meant to learn our lessons. Often not simply learn them but by revisiting them, ensure we really have learnt all there is from that learning experience. Cliché’s abound for this, “Two steps forward, one step back” and “Advance and Retreat” seem the most appropriate right now, and yet, that is what life is all about.

The occasional hiccough, the down day or days when things seemed to pile up and that wonderful forward momentum trickled so slowly by, came along with the rich positives. My ever patient husband was my strength and support to help me through and a very dear friend was always ready to offer sage advice and cheer me up. Just sweeping those dark clouds away helped enormously.

 

So What Happened? Well, Life Happened.

 

I needed one final visit to the “No longer Lyme doctor” to get my Genetic Genie result explained. I decided that after going to all the hassles of getting the wretched thing ordered, completed, sent away and the long wait for the results that I might as well find out what it had to say. Learning about my genetic structure seemed a fair recompense for all the pain and heartache over the past fourteen months. In reality, it seemed ludicrous not to get something valuable from this learning experience I had been given. It was also immensely intriguing. Mind boggling but intriguing.

#Advance and Retreat

image courtesy of http://www.crystalinks.com

Then he beat me to the gratifying punch line. Rather than being able to tell him I would not be returning to see him again he jumped in and said he didn’t want to see me again! Hmpf! It was, in retrospect, an odd way to put it, but the end result was the same. However, before I could say, So long, it’s been good, but”…..I was whisked into the Naturopaths office, deluged with a tonne of information and the adjuration that I needed “X,Y and Z” to correct the enzyme breaks shown in my genetic coding.

Now I’ve been through the hoops a time or two and I know how my body reacts to a great many things, especially dietary and medicinally based items. Several rather stressful episodes in the past few weeks had seen my friendly ulcer begin to act up and the attendant gastric reflux rear its burning head once more. It’s no fun at all feeling as though you have a vat of boiling acid churning inside your stomach and flowing upwards to burst out of your throat like an enraged Mount Etna! Upsetting but it was something I could get back under control with a little rest and meditation.

I did tell the Naturopath all this, explained in great detail since they seem to think you have no idea what you are talking about if you are not graphic. I explained – decisively, that anything not in capsule form would act like a gigantic irritant wreaking havoc on my stomach. I mustn’t have been clear enough. My powers of description must have deserted me since it was apparent she failed to believe me. Did I really care that these things were supposed to help my stomach and ulcer? Not if they were going to feel as if I were dying in the process.

The lowest ebb if my day is early morning at present and I was supposed to toss this vile concoction down my throat into an empty stomach to start the day. I love liquorice, but this vile stuff is not liquorice flavoured at all – it’s a pale imitation, a foil on the very word designed to befuddle and cloud the senses. Feral, foul and disgusting.

One week later and I feel too wretched to get out of bed. My throat is raw, my stomach in turmoil and the thought of a drink, not even food, is palatable. Add to that the almost indescribably migraine… what was I contemplating? This strange thought keeps circling my mind like a shark through bloody waters….”Why?” “Why did I do this to myself when I was beginning to feel so much better?” I have, yet again, paid an obscene price to once again poison myself in the name of getting well.

#Advance and Retreat

image courtesy of academyoffood.blogspot.com

Frustration, pain and anger, not a good mix for a stomach in turmoil. Nothing to show but a return to the nightmare and another email suggesting a garlic cleanse (eight whole cloves of garlic swallowed with water, no food for a day and febrile reaction, followed by a coffee enema). PLEASE.

NO! I’m sorry, but enough is enough. I’ve done everything I was asked to for fourteen months only to learn it was all for nothing – I don’t and never did have Lyme disease. I warned you I couldn’t tolerate this kind of natural “stuff” and what would happen and you didn’t listen, just pedaled your potions. A day in bed contemplating the next step has seen me decide that a polite but firm email is all I need to do. I am retiring from medical experimentation.

I’ve reached my place of clarity. I’ve had my hard-won taste of a return to normalcy. It was painful but it was an achievement of being able to act like everyone else. I’m not ready to take even a small step back to where I’ve been. There will be other ways to “fix” anything which may need fixing but not at the expense of my sanity and health. After all, what is health? It’s being able to live, laugh, move, do the normal things of life without pain and agony. It’s feeling loved and being loved and being able to love life again. Slowly but surely I am reaching that beautiful place and I will get there, without needing to pour copious amounts of money into someone’s pocket for pills and potions.

#Advance and Retreat

image courtesy of healthsaints.com

“A quitter never wins-and-a winner never quits.”
Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich

Welcome back health and harmony.

 

I will Advance only and Retreat no more from this battle to be all I can be.

 

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson July 2014

 

Postscript:
I admire and applaud all those who work in a health or alternate health capacity. What works for one may not for another and vice versa. I have recorded my feelings and responses to what I have been through and whilst they are true for me they may not be for another. I pray for good health for all people, including me. 🙂

 

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#A Succesful Life

12 Ways to Be Successful in Life

“Success is determined not by whether or not you face obstacles, but by your reaction to them. And if you look at these obstacles as a containing fence, they become your excuse for failure. If you look at them as a hurdle, each one strengthens you for the next.”
Ben Carson, Gifted Hands: The Ben Carson Story

A while ago there was an article in Forbes magazine about the habits of successful people and it seemed that everyone thought they mustn’t be successful if they weren’t following those guidelines. I believe that’s all they were, guidelines. There was nothing anywhere on the article which showed any statistical data to prove successful people lived by these ‘rules’. It was one person’s observations.

It concerns me that we measure our own success, our own value as a human being, by what people who are incredibly successful are purported to be doing.  I’m not saying their examples are wrong, far from it, but they are living in a world which supports such success.  What about the rest of society? What about people whose very life is a challenge? I feel they have ways to measure their success by what they do, which is just as relevant. As Ben Carson said, “If you look at them (each obstacle) as a hurdle, each one strengthens you for the next.”

So here is my version of “12 Things All Successful People Do” (Forbes) which I have called      “12 Ways to Be Successful in Life”.  If we aren’t successful at living we cannot be successful anywhere else.  I hope they may make you think a little and realise how successful you really are, as each obstacle we overcome helps us to become a more successful person, in our own right.

#A Successful Life

image from nedhardy.com

  1. BE PREPARED FOR THINGS GOING BADLY. HAVE CONTINGENCY PLANS

It doesn’t matter how well we think we have planned our day, outing or event, there is always the possibility that something will occur which upends all that planning. Rather than allow this to overwhelm you, which can cause problems with your health, have contingency plans on hand for unexpected mishaps. It may mean a little more work in the planning phase but it removes any tension if things go awry. Eliminate the ‘falling apart’, unnecessary flare, or dash for home or the ER. It’s also a habit worth cultivating so that you always have a Plan B ready.

2.      GOAL SETTING IS A MUST

Setting goals as a daily habit ensures we motivate ourselves to achieve things. It also is a wonderful way to stay on track. As a check list we can cross off throughout the day it can be very rewarding to see those things checked off. One thing to remember with all goal setting, follow the S.M.A.R.T. routine. Goals should be smart, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely. Choosing small achievable goals can help build confidence and give you a sense of achievement. Long term goals play a part but not on a daily schedule.

 3.      YOU CAN’T EXPECT LUCK TO GET YOU THROUGH!

It takes hard work to get to the finish line in most instances. Planning on getting lucky to achieve a goal, finish a project is a recipe for disaster – unless you have a magic genie in your pocket.  Often there isn’t the perfect time or idea to get things rolling; it’s simply hard work and persistence.  Making sure you have everything ready and you’re set to go can make all the difference to reaching that ‘finish line’, and having help handy is not giving in, it’s being realistic.

 4.  Journal, Diarise, Plot Your Progress

When you have an additional challenge to make your day or work harder it’s often easy to lose sight of the goal. As with all health or fitness challenges it is necessary and sensible to keep checking your plans, your goal setting stages.  If your entire schedule has been put into a journal / diary /electronic organiser then it’s much easier to monitor how you’re going with your plans. If you keep an eye on things you can fine tune as you go along so you avoid the ‘overwhelm’ and keep that end point in mind. Ask someone you trust how you’re going, feedback can be invaluable.

 5.      DON’T DELAY TAKING ACTION

Sometimes we let all the possible problems get stuck in our head and prevent ourselves from getting the ‘job’ started.  The first step is often, if not always, the hardest one to take. Make a move and that issue which stalled you might simply vanish. You can do more than you thought possible.

 6.      CHECK TO SEE WHAT YOU DID WELL BEFORE

Sometimes it’s easy to just keep your head down to get to the next goal. It’s ‘safe’ and ‘easy’ and we can reach our target.  Don’t forget to pop your head up and see what’s happening around you. Remembering what you did in the past may help you to reach your goals faster than expected. A great confidence boost!

#A Successful Life

image from funylool.com –

 7.      BE CONFIDENT

You know who you are and what you can do. You know there is a hidden tiger inside who will give you the strength to reach the finish line. Believe in yourself and others will too.

 8.      DECIDE ON A COURSE OF ACTION

The decision to do something is the beginning of the road ahead, a road leading to success, knowledge that you have achieved something truly worthwhile. You may have an additional challenge to overcome every day. You know how much effort goes into getting yourself ready and at work. Even volunteering takes an enormous amount of effort.

 9.      WATCH WHAT YOU ARE DOING

Often the effort to ‘do what everyone else is doing’ is so overwhelming we forget how incredible our own achievement is. Watch what is going on around you. You may find that what you think is ‘just getting there’ is much better than you thought and recognition may be closer than you imagined. At the very least everyone knows that you are aware of what is happening where you are and you know what you are doing!

 10.  KEEP TRYING

That attitude of “If the going gets tough, the tough get going” can help you to win through to the final line. It’s hard to keep going at times, especially if you have a health challenge that makes even the simple things more difficult. As long as your desire to ‘win’ doesn’t compromise your health, keep going.

 11.  MAKE SURE YOU ARE UNDERSTOOD

When you need to explain to others what they need to do show them how confident you are. After all, you wouldn’t be telling them what to do if you weren’t ready for the job. Speak clearly and you can persuade everyone that you know exactly what would benefit everyone. Let them see the dream and vision you have.

 12.  SHOW GRATITUDE

When you reach your goals, succeed in your path to success, remember to be yourself. Everyone else is still on that path you’ve just climbed. Don’t let arrogance overwhelm your inner you. You have made plans and followed them, adapted where needed; you were accountable for all your actions. Don’t fall into the ego trap; remember to be grateful to those who may have helped you along the way. As we are thankful each day when we achieve a small goal, be thankful when a bigger one is reached.

People remember those who were thankful, showed appreciation and gratitude for help and consideration. These are the people who others want to emulate. Despite extra challenges everyone can be successful and be someone that another wished to be like. It’s all a case of attitude.

#A Successful Life

image from explore-essay-types.blogspot.com

Success doesn’t have to come with an ego. In fact, many successful people don’t have one. This is because they understand that while extraneous factors come into play, some failure can be chalked up to their own shortcomings. Never forget to hold yourself accountable for every aspect of your life. This is how you’ll remain focused and humble.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” ― Paulo Coelho

I hasten to add that the above are my opinions and ideas. If you agree that’s great, if you don’t then think about it. You never know; there will be a few pearls in there for everyone.

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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~

“…the best possible way to prepare for tomorrow is to concentrate with all your intelligence, all your enthusiasm, on doing today’s work superbly today. That is the only possible way you can prepare for the future.”
Dale Carnegie, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living

~

It’s almost as though I missed out on today. I have been ‘doing’ things all day, necessary things, but at the end of the day I have this nagging feeling that the day has floated by and I haven’t done what I ‘should’ have done. It’s a feeling many of us get and in many cases, or for a lot of the time it’s also an inaccurate mental picture.

I’ve always been one of those super organised people. Lists and reminders, plans, planners and schedules have been the way I’ve managed to get so much done each and every day. Since starting my Lyme treatment many of these things have been changed. Some have been totally upended and some have been kicked to the kerb.  Why, because my time has not been ‘my time’ any longer. Lyme has been a life change program in every way.

#Last Minute

image from http://www.dirttime.org –      Kill those nasty bugs!

I’m sharing my time with a wretched and unlovable bug, many of them in fact, and they love time. They devour time in huge chunks until I’m not sure where the time has gone. I began to wonder what was happening to me. Was I going insane? Was I drifting off into the land of ‘the waking nod’ and not realising it? Was I simply being lazy and allowing time to drift lazily by? It began to get under my skin so I decided to use some tried and true practices to work again. Yes, I said again.

It is impossible to be ‘super’ organised without a photographic memory or an organised method to track the time during the day. The clock is simply not good enough because all it can do is let me know that time is passing. Of course that’s wonderful when the time rolled around to go home, but in between it doesn’t help. If you are at home then even that fails. You still need something to keep you on track and somewhat motivated. That’s where a complete life change program is needed and that’s what I have – Life Change 90.

#Last Minute

image from nesbyte.blogspot.com    Tick Tock time never stops

It is depressing to find your day is scheduled around when to take your medication, drink, eat, take medication, exercise, call the doctor, dentist, candlestick maker, take pills, eat and drink. It becomes a mind numbing exploration of ‘almost futility’. It is only “almost” because it is essential but it fails to give you much purpose, particularly something which will make you look forward to it.

In order to do this you have to schedule your day, as insane as it may sound. You bring organisation out of chaos.

The early morning ritual has to be followed because it sets up the day.

#Last Minute

image from footage.shutterstock.com –   I need a life change program!

  • Out of bed, somehow. I say that because with chronic pain, from whatever source, it can be a mighty effort simply getting out of that bed, even if you have been miserably uncomfortable all night.
  • Immediately after a visit to the bathroom and before any liquid enters the mouth a 20 minute oil pulling session. Oil Pulling – a delightful tedium of swishing oil around your mouth to ‘pull’ any bacteria or bugs out of your system. Followed by a relieved brushing of the teeth to remove said oil residue.
  • Tablets and a cup of tea. A welcome ten minute break.
  • Meditate for half an hour, longer if the day is fairly light. Very important.
  • Breakfast and more tablets.
  • Fill in the daily journal and check the “to do list”.  (I approximate how long each item should take so that I can ‘budget’ my time.) Each item has a scheduled break between them if they involve any exertion so that I have time to recover and not over exert myself.
  • Start working through the list until it’s time for the next break. I have lots of breaks so that I make sure I can get enough fluids into me. It’s not all fun, there are days I feel like an over soaked sponge. Who said a Life Change was not without effort.
  • Repeat for the next item and arrange lunch, medication and drinks.  Check up and see how I’m going with the schedule.
  • Phone calls are usually done after lunch and before the droop sets in.
  • Time for a nap to recharge the body and mind.
  • #Last Minute

    image from http://www.eatpress.com  Snack time 

  • Time for another drink and snack.
  • Time for some fresh air. Depending on how ‘tired’ I feel it’s around the garden with the camera or down to the beach with the camera. The beach is good because I can sit down and have a fifteen minute meditation, or longer if I have the time. Even though it doesn’t seem as though I’ve done very much it’s unpleasantly true that I am starting to fade now.
  • Back home I re check my schedule and see how I’ve gone. If I’ve finished everything then I get my crochet out or my book and have a ‘spell’. If there’s something I missed I’ll try to do that.
  • My last organised effort of the day is to make out a “to do list” for tomorrow.

My journal is fairly comprehensive. It has an affirmation, short and long term goals, a review of the day and anything I may have learned from the activities of the day. I need to record what my medication protocol is and any reactions to it. It is, if I say so myself, a work of art. It really reflects how my life change helps me in every way.

#Last Minute

Life Change 90 Journal page extract
image from  www.lifechange90.com

As time passes and I get fitter, beat this bug, and blow the brain fog, I’ll add more and more to the ‘to do list’. You’ll note that there are no household chores listed as a given for the day. When I can I do them.  If I can’t they wait or Ray picks up the slack. We made more jam, new recipe and I have to get the blog done for that – it’s better than the first one. Tried and tested. Yum!

So, by now you are wondering why this is called “Last Minute”? Today we had a schedule blow out. At the beach we met up with an adorable Mini Foxie pup. She came running over to us and cuddled up, wet and sandy. She was eight weeks old and I melted. Until I had to, I found it almost impossible to put her down. Fortunately her owner was there and not worried. (I did think of running away with her but wouldn’t have made more than a few steps – sigh!)

As a result, I finished off all the somewhat mundane chores but my blog, which I like to do relaxed in the evening was pushed to the almost “tomorrow” list. So, this is “Last Minute”, a description of the average day of a #Lymie, trying to exert some order to her world. I still think I did a pretty darned good job, but this explains why some days are diamonds and some, just a lump of coal.

#Last Minute

image from lettingthewordsescape.blogspot.com      Diamond or…coal?

I just know you get my drift.

#Last Minute

image from mommyadventures.net     Nap time – yawn!

Blessings,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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#Pushed to the Limit

image from ogdenutahcriminaldefense.com

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

There are times when, irrespective of how much you try to do otherwise, you fly off the handle. These episodes are usually preceded by periods of intense pressure, things not going according to plan or life generally not playing out the way you hoped. Colloquially they are called “knee jerk’ reactions. They are usually regretted almost immediately as soon as the blood cools down sufficiently for coherent thought to return.

If, like me, that cooling off can be fairly quick, most of the time, it leads to a great deal of soul searching and castigation for behaving in a manner which isn’t liked. However, many times the damage has already been done. Trying to set things right is quite often impossible.

All my life I’ve been told I should behave in certain ways. I was “better than my protagonist” and so held to a higher standard.  “I knew better than that” and so should have controlled that impulse to retaliate.  When you are placed on a pedestal and expected to live up to everyone’s perception of who you are, it can be extremely difficult to find the real you.  You may not even recognise the‘real you’.

#Pushed to the Limit

image from cstl.semo.edu

There have been times, over the years, when that pedestal has rocked alarmingly as I tried to keep my footing living up to so many other people’s ideas of who and what I was. Can you imagine how difficult it might be to understand what you want in life when you are so busy living up to someone else’s ideal? The saddest part of the situation is that it all begins with the best of intentions.

Hard as it may be to understand I was a very shy and quiet child. Head down and mouth closed so I drew as little attention to myself as possible. Yet all the time I was trying to live up to firstly my parent’s expectations of me and later my first husband, my work colleagues, my brothers, and then it seemed everyone else. Everyone had this idea of who I was and how I would respond in certain circumstances.  My first husband had a whole list of ways in which I was allowed to behave and respond that I hardly knew who I was. Sad, pathetic but true. The fact that I did respond as they expected, because it was expected, simply cemented these thoughts in their mind. Sadly, very few of these personas held more than a grain of the real me.

Not wanting to disappoint anyone it was easier to continue to play the roles I was ‘given’. It was safer in one particular area to follow the ‘rules’ than to face the consequences. At the same time I was able to hold down responsible positions, firstly as a police officer, later as a bank official and mother, school chairpersons and so on. I wasn’t actually hidden away where it may have been easier.

Realisation, when it seeped in was the beginning of the real humiliation. Knowing I had been this milksop of a person when I could think, had opinions and could do so many things was quite devastating. The fact that my husband was a police officer meant that I had nowhere to go and no-one to go to. Who would believe me over a serving police officer? It simply didn’t happen, not when the domination is psychological and emotional.

It is still hard for me to write these words, to accept them as reality and realise what I allowed myself to become – a doormat. I was a slave programmed to perform to command. I can never look at a woman in a domestic violence situation and condemn her, man, woman or child in that situation because it can be started so insidiously that it is too late by the time you realise. I was a slave to my ex-husband’s drive to achieve financial stability. The fact that he failed to support his children after I left, usurped part of my settlement and told the children it was theirs, all added to the ongoing manipulation. He is still doing this to my children, though they are grown and through them he is doing it to me because he knows they are the only way he can reach me.

#Pushed to the Limit

image from paulissakippisms.com –

Why have I told you all this. Because if it happened to me it can happen to anyone and if someone reads this and recognises where they are in this cycle and can get out, it is worth my embarrassment. If it helps someone reach out, to me or to someone else it is worth the embarrassment. I am tired of allowing him this hold over me. I am taking my life back, all of it and I refuse to allow him the space in my mind, in my life ever again.

This is real. It can happen to anyone, at any time. Please, if you recognise someone who is drowning under this type of treatment, offer a helping hand. Tell someone in authority and help them before it’s too late.  Life is a precious gift and shouldn’t be destroyed by insecure bullies.

#Pushed to the Limit

I am a woman, flesh and bone, heart and soul.

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”
Shannon L. Alder
Everyone has the right to respect, like breathing, take it away and the soul dies. – Susan Jamieson

Blessings, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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“The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors.”
Thomas Jefferson

What a lot of Hokum for We The People.

~~~~~

I had originally decided to do a short blog and call it ‘The Spirit is willing but the flesh is Weak”. Yet the more I thought about it the more I realised it simply was a hoax. Most importantly I was simply fooling myself. It sounds so pathetic to continually say, “It’s been a bad week” or “I’ve had a rough couple of days” or any number of other platitudes.

That’s not to say that they aren’t true, it’s just that I’m tired of using the same statements as if I trot out one after the other when things are… challenging. I’m not sure quite where I am on this sliding spectrum which I use to gauge how well I’m travelling. Truthfully, I’m feeling more than a little sick and tired with being sick and tired and not really knowing if I’m on the right track.

For so long I dragged myself to the doctors and presented the same old symptoms, tiredness, aches in joints and muscles, my motivation slowly drained away as it became more and more difficult to do things. I’m a perfectionist. I’m also a control freak. I like things to be neat and tidy. I can find nothing wrong with being able to tell anyone exactly where to go to find anything they need in my home. At least I could do that a couple of years ago.

There are my detractors who accused me of OCD, but heck, at least I didn’t need to upend my home to locate a letter I need. I revel in my individuality and I don’t expect anyone else to follow suit – each to his own.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from frommylivingroom.blogspot.com                                      Everything in it’s pace and a place for everything.

Then I was told about Lyme disease. It seemed to fit so many of the anomalies in the symptoms I had. The medication protocols are – unpleasant. If Fibromyalgia causes Brain fog then Lyme – its co-infections and the medication to ‘treat’ it definitely increases it exponentially. But I’m no quitter. I’ve gone through the protocols, dragged myself in ever decreasing circles of confusion and despair trying to determine if I’m simply grasping at straws. And I’m still not finished.

I’ve blogged about it because I’ve struggled to find support groups or people who are willing to share information. How odd. Here is a disease the AMA refuse to accept is in Australia, penalise doctors who treat it and we cannot find anyone to give us recommendations to people who are helping the ‘sufferers’. Those who find these people, usually friends, or friends or friends, keep that information to themselves. Why? Is getting well to be a hoarded treasure? Bygone days of the privileged living and the disadvantaged fading away unnoticed.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from alternews.com –      Where did the floor come from?

I’m not simply tired, I’m exhausted. My arms scream at me in pain for typing, but this is my only outside contact. It’s lonely not being able to see or speak with people. One more day of crawling up the hallway is making me shake uncontrollably. Is this Lyme disease, Bartonella or Babesiosis or some other confounded co-infection I’ve yet to be advised of; or is it Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS or one of its familiars?

I was feeling blah this morning. I had several appointments and I’d had a rough night. In fact I crawled up to the bathroom and cried for about an hour. I’m not giving in, but where the hell do I go?  How do I persuade my GP to look at my symptoms differently – not simply hand out stronger pain meds that leave me FOGGY!!!

To be able to think is such a gift. To know you are making sense and perhaps helping someone who needs to read this… that is my impetus for continuing. I have no answers, just a zillion questions. I want answers because I feel the medical establishment owe us that much – and then decent treatment. I have a right to a quality of life that is good enough to let me do what I’d like without crippling me. There is no need for it. If the damned doctors and insurance companies had done their due diligence when I had my accident, my simple accident, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now. I truly believe so. I wish I could sue the bejaysus out of them.

For the first time today, I ‘listened’ to someone who had always presented a positive push for the treatments they were given, the illness that accompanied them and was able to do so many physical activities I dream of doing’. Today I listened to them bemoaning their shuffling gait to reach the beach, crying because of the brain fog, the inability to raise your head from wherever it lays, and not be able to DO anything.  I admire this person, but here they are, for the first time in my space.

I want to offer advice but I am unable since no-one shared advice with me, I have none to offer except to say, I understand, I am there still, drowning in this misery but determined not to let it win.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from http://www.bannerhealth.com                                   I’m right here, You are not Alone!

I am going to search for these mysterious support forums and try to find out if these diseases have the same symptoms or not and what works for them. I have a few answers from dear people today. Yoga terrifies me because the pain is well established but I’ll try. I may not have  an answer, but by heavens, I will control my environment as much as I can so I can enjoy, to the fullest extent, the life I have been handed. I will also pass on any information I uncover – as a reference only, to be talked over with your doctors so that perhaps, in the fullness of time, we can beat these blasted torturous diseases. Such is my hope. Such is my prayer for all of us.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from childrensbookshop.circlesoft.net         Here come the answers!

As human beings, as Spirits having a human existence we search for answers. This is a prime directive so that we can learn. There is “a strange new world” out there, “new life and new civilisations” and, even more important, “The Truth is Out There”.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from aliens.wikia.com

What more could we ask for?  Who was right, Spock or Kirk?  Does “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few” or Does “The good of the one outweigh the good of the many?

We all deserve a better future.

Blessings, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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