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Posts Tagged ‘despair’

#Promises

Aching thoughts of a lost love

Promises

I told you I’d be back

But you couldn’t wait that long

I promised gifts and treasure

Yet before that you were gone

How could I be so wrong –again?

Then gifts and treasures, too small for you

Were the all love that my heart could hold

More than enough to fill your heart and soul

Enough to fill your world with everything you wanted

A heart to hold every breath you breathe, so softly

Arms to melt every ache you felt, so tenderly

A mind to remember every loving wish, so caringly

All to bring magic back in your life, so brilliantly

A paradise unimagined by anyone else

Was yours for free

If you waited for me

But you were gone

Gone so far from me

All my gifts lie unopened

Unwanted and neglected

The love I have is in my heart

A heart now broken and unwanted

Pain and heartache lie within a withered husk

All I have is a hole where it used to be

So I pray with the tiny spark I have left

Let the emptiness of the Universe fill that hole

All that I can hope for to recreate my soul

To breathe life into that withered husk

The husk that remains of a once filled heart

Universe willing I can find the strength to carry on

Without this small hope life isn’t worth going on

For me, this is the last time to fight for life

It is, quite simply, the last fight

Hello death, my erstwhile companion

You have my reservation.

©  Susan Jamieson 2014

 

image courtesy of lmelton2003.deviantart.com

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#WhyDon't YouHearMe

image from joyinbirthing.com

 

Won’t you Hear Me?

Please listen to my words

Hear what I really say

Don’t assume you understand

The words mean exactly what you hear

There is so much more

Behind those simple words

Yet if you reject what I say

There is no point in trying stay

~~~~~~

It’s really not that hard

Just hearing the actual words being said

Hearing the emotion

In your heart and not your head

There is no hope in going on this way

Like ships on different courses

Whose paths were never meant to cross

Of course they’ll never meet

~~~~~~

I see a stranger before me

One I thought I knew so well

But the man I thought I knew

Couldn’t say or do what you have said and done

I don’t know you any longer

This feeling keeps growing ever stronger

~~~~

How much more should I endure

Before I drown under this load

NO MORE

The dreams are gone and shattered

Like so much else that no longer matters

~~~~~

I’m empty inside

A feeling I try to hide

But it must end soon

I’ll be gone before the next full moon

And try to regain all I have lost

My heart, my soul, my self-respect

There’s nothing esle I could now expect.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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This world of mine

Has somehow lost its shine

Why I ask

Does it have to be this way

Why does everyone I love have to turn away

Why do they leave til I’m all alone

With a heart so heavy it finds it hard to beat

It shouldn’t be such a mighty feat

My eyes are hurting from unshed tears

Holding tight to all my fears

The pain of it all held deep inside

Is there somewhere safe for me to hide

Why, oh why does it have to be this way

Can I wake up tomorrow to a bright new day

No more hurt or pain nor loneliness

No longer waiting for the blame

A new hurting game

No need to hold my breath

Wondering if this is the final death

Will it always be that way

The sun shines at the start of each new day

It just forgets to light up my way

#thisworld

image from sugaree33-art.deviantart.com

If I screamed to the heavens would they hear me

Would they answer if I cried loudly enough

Has my breaking heart not borne enough

Can they not hear me

Have I paid my way to a peaceful love

Safe from all the hurt and pain

Freed from endless games of shame

The hand that is held out

Is not the hand to hurt

The smile on a face

Doesn’t hide lies like a mill race

Rushing down to sweep me away

A hand to hold the heart with love

A smile that glows with truth from heaven above

How long now until it’s my turn to smile

How long til I hear my loved ones sigh

Is this to be my life

#thisworld

image from housechurchesuk.weebly.com

 

The answer!

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson 2014

 

 

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#Betrayal

image from http://www.deviantart.com                          Howling for the soul sister to pass

Betrayal

The time drifted by slowly

There was nothing left

No way to measure the passage of time

Nothing but the slow drip, drip, drip

She let her head roll back

Resting lightly against the window frame

Outside she could see the moon

A blood moon, portent of bad tidings

The trees outside wailed their mournful sounds

And somewhere a wolf howled loudly

Joined quickly by the rest of the pack

Strange, but she had seen no wolves here

Not since she came so long ago

But it wasn’t that long surely

No, it only felt that way

But fitting somehow that they came now

Almost as if they could hear her coming

Drip, drip, drip -The only sound inside

The howling of the wolves outside

And an eerie feeling creeping over all

She was starting to feel cold

The mist curled from her open mouth

She should have brought a blanket

Made things much easier in the end

The cold climbed upwards

Through her arms and legs

Up from the cold floor, cold as the grave

Drip, drip, drip, the continuing sound

Fainter now the wolves were drawing nearer

Their howling more frenetic than ever

The moon climbed higher so she raised her head

Strange how heavy her head now felt

Drip, drip, drip, a cold wetness intruded on her reverie

The howling wolves must have been outside the window

Their howls so loud in her head now

As the icy cold reached her heart

She gave one slow sigh

The light dimming in her eyes

She could no longer see the moon

No longer hear the slowing drip, drip, drip

The only sound

The howling of the wolves

The dripping stopped,

The moon still rose

The wolves howled once more

A cry of pain and anguish

For a soul lost.

Alone in death

As she had been in life

Alone.

#Betrayal

image from http://www.smscs.com The pack gathers to welcome one home

Blessings  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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#The Withering

image from lg-design-deviantart-com

The Withering

“Through dangers untold ….and

Hardships unnumbered”……

A faint smile

The merest lifting of each corner

Of her mouth

Fleeting

Already gone

Hidden

Beneath the shadows

Looming in her eyes

Dark pits of despair

Pushing her feet onward

Pulling her soul apart

Through the lies uncovered

And the heartbreak unbearable

The final destruction

Rending of her true self

Feelings

Emotions

Expressions

Unacceptable

Clinical discourse only

Measured in droplets of blood

Darkest heart blood

Turned in wood

Hidden beneath

Night’s cloak

And cloud

©  Susan Jamieson 2014

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image from tidetheland.blogspot.com

“There are essentially two questions in life – a spiritual question and a material question. The spiritual question is ‘Who am I?’ The material question is ‘What am I to do with my life?’ One leads to the other.”
Rasheed Ogunlaru

.

I found myself in a familiar place today. Not that it meant it was a good place, simply that I have been there before and recognised it. In truth, if I had a choice I probably would decide not to visit it, yet each time I do I learn something I didn’t know or had forgotten. So, in essence they are times to remember important things, and often things I haven’t wanted to learn.

The difficulty is that life is not one-dimensional. It has as many layers as an onion and people are exactly the same. I must be a tightly wound onion since I seem to be forever peeling away layers!

One doctor tells me I’m making progress, I feel like something a cat vomited under a bush and that is supposed to be good news. (Thank you Lyme disease). I can cut down on the “vomitous” drugs for a while and that’s good, yet it has also brought a gargantuan upsurge of inflammation and arthritic pain which is not so good. I know the mantra, two steps forward and one step back, and always a little more progress is made until you reach your end goal.

My end goal – wellness! Perfect health and well-being, positive physical energy, (and spiritual energy) and a return to normal activities. Simply being able to walk in the country or on the beach for more than five minutes before I have to stop will feel like I’m a captive bird which has been freed. I long to do ‘normal’ things like window shopping, going for a drive in the country without being ill for two days. Without needing a carer to watch over me. That sounds ungrateful, yet it isn’t, it is simply a desire to be free to do those things alone –  if I wished to.

Some of my most intense and beautiful memories are of lying amongst the bluebells in  my favourite meadow, my border collie by my side, watching the fluffy clouds creating pictures for me to make stories around. The gentle breeze would stir the leaves casting a mosaic of shadows around us, the squirrels would be chattering away and the birds warbling overhead making a musical backdrop. Occasionally a pair of rabbits would pop out and, being quiet, would go about their business unaffected by our presence. It was a heavenly interlude and I could feel the beat of Mother earth, my Angels and Guides around me and I was part of our great Universe. It was, and still is peace on earth.

I have different memories now. The shared joy and love of watching the glorious moonrise. Seeing the orchids and hippeastrums beginning to bud in my garden. Watching the Rosellas mating and building their nest in our nesting box. The storm clouds boiling up only to drift away and the birds drinking nectar from the flowers. New flowers I’m learning about.

Storm clouds rolling in

Storm clouds rolling in

Chasing the best nectar

Chasing the best nectar

Lady Slipper vine

Lady Slipper vine

Love is in the air

Love is in the air

I mustn’t forget all the new friends I’ve found here, through my blog. Generous people who have accepted my first steps at writing and poetry, my amateur photography and the kindness and encouragement by their visits. Its makes the difficult days easier to bear because I have something to look forward to.

Not to forget the many things I learn…that spirituality is within and it is in evidence when I look out. When the words of someone far away can touch me deeply, can bring light to a dark place and give me answers to long-held puzzles. Then there are the special people who have brought something more, with their stories, sharing their experiences and those special friendships which are found in the most unexpected ways.

I have been blessed by friendship which I thought a figment of imagination, someone with whom I can discuss the many strange things which I have seen and experienced because we have a similar ‘history’. A dear and special friend who has become, in a short time, a cherished friend. Wonderfully for me, a friend my husband and I can share in different ways.

image from damonsmithnow.blogspot.com

I had a goal when I started writing today. I wanted to paint the picture of how, from a seemingly bleak start it was possible to find that calm centre and the clarity which can come from there. The connectedness with everything around us, which grounds us and allows us the strength to find the positive amongst the dross and succeed despite the struggle.

You see, I have difficulty finding my way at times so I’m sure I’m not alone. There are days I feel so isolated I want to curl up, pull the ground over my head and hide. People I looked to for support are so busy garnering their own they are unable to spare a small measure for anyone else, not even to share a morsel of friendship or support.

I fall down and eventually have to pick myself up. I have a heart overflowing with gratitude for the unconditional love and support my husband gives me every second of every day. I know how very fortunate I am and I thank Spirit for finally bringing us together. I pray, if that is what you pray for, that you find the same. I pray you find the support and friendship I have, and I wish you the strength to get back up and keep going when the days are miserable and hard because I know that there will be an end. I know my happy place, my dreams and plans will all come to be – soon.

I believe and it will be so, because what I think, what I believe, will be. That is how the Universe provides. It creates what we think and believe. So build your dreams and hold fast to them and surely as day follows night, they will be….. soon.

image from urbanspiritual.org

I’d like to share two of my favourite quotes which help me and perhaps may help you also.

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did.”             T E Lawrence

.

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”     Helen Keller

.

So dream on and believe because even one dreamer, one believer can make a difference.  Join me!

Blessings and love.  Susan x

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image from angelsinnature.wordpress.com

Humans are amphibians – half spirit and half animal. As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time.”
C. S. Lewis

Half life taking hold of me

Sunlight rising over a dark horizon

Climbing slowly in the sky

Golden light burning brightly

Trees shimmering like their leaves are aflame

Half life slowly closing on me

golden light burning brightly like leaves aflame

golden light burning brightly like leaves aflame

Blue sky showing clearly now

Yet eyes are softly closing

Clouds of filament white streaks float by

Breeze blows soft whitecaps in the ocean nearby

Dusk is falling swiftly now

Where has the day gone so swiftly

Half life riding even closer – but how

White caps piling high, breaking on the beach

White caps piling high, breaking on the beach

Darkness falling – Moonlight rising

Stars glitter in the cold pure air

Where has the day gone

Where has it fled

I don’t know

Eyes wide open for a time

Yet everyone is going to sleep

Where are the connections the soul seeks

My eyes burn from the emptiness within

It has slipped from my grasp once more

Half life taking over me

Words mean more than what is set down on paper. It takes the human voice to infuse them with deeper meaning.”
Maya Angelou

No two human beings will see the same thing in exactly the same way, it’s what makes our experiences unique. Yet we must all try to reach each other, to feel for each other and try to understand each other. If we cannot do that, if we don’t wish to try to do that, then we have failed as a soul living an earthly existence.

Compassion for the people we meet, live with, or even by acknowledging their presence in our thoughts each day is a powerful gift. Sending gratitude to them, so that they may make of their lives all they possibly can. Only then can we rise above where we are and become all we can be.

This world is a beautiful place, yet even knowing this there will be times we wander in the dark. At those times we can only pray that someone will hear the unspoken plea and hold out the hand of friendship. Such is my belief. I pray I have the strength to offer a helping hand if I find someone in need, irrespective of how might feel. This is humanity.

May Blessings be yours every day. Know that all is well.

Ciao, Susan xx

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image from myfairywallpaper.blogspot.com –

People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It is impossible to deny, there is both light and dark inside everyone. Each human being, each soul has the ability to perceive both the light and the dark.  This simple fact is explicit in everything we do and say. It provides the balance by which we grow as human beings and as souls in a human body.

There are times when, despite our best endeavors we are overcome by the dark, by “the bleakness”. I first heard this term in a novel I was reading.  In short, a race of people who were warriors, the Aiel,  detested another, the Tinkers,  who followed the ways of peace, who not only turned the other cheek but would sooner die than raise a weapon in their own defense. During a sacred Aiel ceremony, where a man would become either a clan chief or die, or a woman would become a wise one or die, they learned their entire people’s history. What they learned was the peaceful Tinkers were actually the original Aiel people.

Understandably, this sudden turning upside down of their world was overwhelming. Those who were unable to deal with this dropped their weapons and simply walked away. It was described as “being taken by the bleakness”.  For those who recognise the plot, it is from a Robert Jordan series, “The Wheel of Time”. For brevity I have shortened the explanation greatly.

image from    modernmartialartist.com.au

And the symbol used in the book:

image from http://www.comicvine.com

It intrigued me, not only for the magic and abilities of the characters, but for the way the dichotomy between the light and dark within ourselves can be similarly described. It was also interesting that the Yin Yang symbol was adapted to illustrate the light and dark forces at play.

As souls having a human existence we strive to reach the light, to increase its presence in our lives, in our bodies and souls.  We practice drawing the white light of the universe down, through the crown chakra, flooding our body with positive energy and removing any negative energy.

image from soundofheart.org

In meditation I follow this daily, and as a practice in the shower it is soothing and energising.  There are times when I can only reach that feeling of calm whilst I am meditating or showering ( a shower meditation), but the dross of the day sometimes overwhelms me again. It irritates me and I try to remind myself that I am only human, a soul in a human body and I am a long way from perfection. Anyone who knows me will recognise that I have been going through my own form of “the bleakness” of late.

Yet that in itself is also comforting – eventually! I am like a Willow, I will bend before the storm but I will not break like the mighty Oak. We draw our inspiration from strange places, places which are important to each of us but may have no relevance to another.We have to acknowledge our dark side, those undercurrents of “bleakness” so that we are able to see the light in all its glory when it occurs, just like the sunlight after a storm.

It is a measure of our soul growth that, in the midst of chaos and despair we still strive for the light.

Like a protagonist in any battle we often feel thrown from one extreme stance to another. It is somewhat like being a tennis ball or a basket ball, any ball in sport, we are tossed, seemingly at whim to and fro until we are unsure where up or down is.  I know that anyone reading yesterdays blog will wonder if the same person is writing this. Change can happen quickly or not, a slow return or smashing volley.

image from http://www.odt.co.nz – The Nadal, Federer match.

Like a small bud opening to the suns first rays, we are small and fragile but can open to be a beautiful bloom. Even though our ‘life’ may be short there are more buds on our tree and we will continue to grow and flower with the sun, the light shining on us. We can only wake each day, or take a deep breath during the day and make that decision to keep going. Find something, even something small to be thankful for. Grateful for the scent of the opened roses, freshly mown grass, the laughter of children playing, the warmth of your husband’s hand in yours. It may even be a simple ‘thank you’ from someone for something you thought too insignificant to remember, yet it was important to them. They are often hard to remember when things feel grim, but like the turning of the seasons we cannot stop them if we continue to be mindful of everyday things and grateful that we can be resent to experience them. No, the battle may not be over, but then neither am I.

image from jbeachyphotography.blogspot.com


May you too find your heavenly fire to light your way out of the darkness, my blessings and gratitude for you will continue each day, hopefully brightening your day knowing that there is indeed someone out there who truly cares for you for no other reason that you are there.

“There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”  ~Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, 1820

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