Best Friends by oneinsightcloser.com
As small children it seems easy to make friends. We actually do it without thinking, a new child appears in the group and they are automatically included and join in whatever is happening. The most beautiful friendships can develop from there, some lasting a lifetime. The innocence is heartwarming and everyone loves to see it. The friendship of small children is like a garden of flowers, bright, beautiful and always making you smile.
It’s a proven fact that the majority of friendships are made during the school years. Some of us make them throughout lower school and some during university. The bonds of friendship are tested through time and we have someone we can rely on in good times and bad. They are there when we need a shoulder to cry on when our first love disappears, and are there with a hug and simple acceptance when life turns sad as we lose someone close. There is a closeness which nothing diminishes and we are all the better and stronger for it. Grief seems easier to bear with a close friend and a friendly shoulder.
Yet there are also those of us, who, for no apparent reason, go through our young lives without forming those close bonds. We may have been picked on because we didn’t conform to the norm. We were ‘fat’, wore strange clothes, had funny hair or spoke with a different accent. Sometimes there is no reason we can find for not being part of the group and not finding that closeness that friendship can bring. Occasionally something happens and after being part of a circle of friends the group decides to ostracize you. There seems no rhyme or reason yet it happens and you flounder to find a way through the rejection. My friends ‘came back’ once they realised that I wasn’t going to ‘moon’ around after them. In fact I avoided being anywhere near them and they found that too uncomfortable. So, being in a relatively small community, I was invited back in again. There was one rather major problem though. I didn’t like being rejected and I definitely didn’t like being hurt. I rejoined the group but not before I had made a solemn promise to myself. Never again would I allow anyone to have the power to hurt me in that way again. No-one would get ‘in’ to break my heart. For a long time it worked too. I moved through life, apparently part of a group of friends, without anyone special, but still one of ‘the pack’.
Unless we are in this lonely situation we may not even think about it. Life is too hectic and we have too many things to distract us that we don’t see what may be right there in front of us. Of course, even worse than that blindness is being in the midst of that isolation yourself. Who do you turn to for support if you don’t have a close friend, or for that matter, anyone you can call a friend. It’s not simply sad, it’s not even pathetic, it’s crushing and soul devouring. It can be even worse. My garden of flowers had become overrun with weeds.
Not long ago I was in the situation where a long-term marriage was reaching its last gasp. I had used up all my reserves of energy, was worn out and could no longer think of any alternatives to try in order to save a relationship already dead, it simply hadn’t remembered to stop breathing yet. Everything had been tried. We talked to counsellors, friends, family and probably driven each other to the edge of insanity trying to talk through insurmountable problems with no end in sight. At least they had become insurmountable as I realised we had drifted so far from each other that there was no point of reference at which to begin a ‘rescue attempt’. It was heartbreaking, not being able to save something I’d given over two decades of my life to and had believe would last a lifetime. Two strangers sharing the same space with nothing in common any longer. Ironically for me, my husband at the time really couldn’t see that we had a problem. “Had a problem”, that was a laugh, the problems were so many it was hard to know where to begin when the counsellor asked what the problem was. I believe that was the point at which I realised a rescue attempt was simply not going to work. So he blamed me for the demise of our relationship. there always has to be someone at fault.
image courtesy of ourwayit.com
I wanted, for the sake of my – our – children to stay as long as possible and let them have a ‘family’ life. For me, for us, it was a stupid mistake. Instead of seeing a good family life they say what can happen when love has simply drifted away. The best of marriages are founded on a basis of friendship. That deep connection where two people know, without words, that the other is always there for them, a support in good times and bad. Now we had a situation where, whilst not enemies, there was nothing there to build anything on, not even for the children’s sake. Yet the parting held “no such sweet sorrow” but only relief. If only that had been the end of it. Some things just linger on and on.
There is a prevailing belief in society today that marriage breakdown is a disease, something which can be caught if you aren’t careful. All the ‘friends’ I believed I had suddenly melted into the ether. Far from having someone to talk to, to help ease the confusion and sadness, share a coffee with and provide that warm hug to help give you strength, I found I was isolated and alone. From a place where the struggle had been a nightmare, a new nightmare began. For some reason this seemed even worse than before. Now I was faced with a situation where I felt there had to be something ‘wrong’ with me or I wouldn’t be rejected yet again. All the old hurts from my childhood returned with even more vigour and I had nowhere to turn to find out why it had happened. My garden of weeds had become a jungle of weeds, thorny and poisonous.
image courtesy of mooseyscountrygarden.com
I’d like to say there is an easy solution. I’d love to say there is a solution at all. I still don’t have that wonderful friend I’ve been searching for, someone to share a laugh and a coffee; go window shopping or watch a movie together’ share a heart to heart when we need one. I feel the lack frequently when I hear or read about someone enjoying time with a friend or friends. I haven’t worked out what to do although I’m told I’m a nice person, helpful, kind and considerate. Not to blow my own trumpet, but who else will. I need a friend. I know that and would welcome one into my life and one day one will turn up. That will be a beautiful day and I will treasure it forever.
There is a happy ending though. After finally giving up on relationships completely and deciding to ‘retire’ to a unit ‘far, far away, spending the rest of a long life become a crabby old spinster, knitting in my rocking chair, I met a wonderful and charming man who completely knocked me off my feet. He was, not to exaggerate, everything I had always dreamed of but doubted I would ever find. He is a gentleman. He opens my door and carries my parcels for me. Not because I can’t but because he likes to do something nice for me. He loves to make a cup of tea and we share cooking dinner together. In fact we share almost everything and it isn’t overpowering, it feels darned good. I can finish his thoughts, and pick up on what he is thinking. We will both decide at the same time that we feel like going out for a coffee or a movie, a walk on the beach or sharing a picnic when the moon is full. I found my ‘soul mate’ for real, and I couldn’t be happier for it. My life has turned full circle. My ‘best friend’ (apart from my husband who is also my best friend as well as my husband, lover and partner) will arrive one day soon and life will be complete. We have so many things we are planning, work, travel, fun, new businesses we love, life is so full it is breathtaking. I have been truly blessed. I know that life will continue to be blessed. Why, because that’s how it’s meant to be, how we are planning it to be and so it will be.
Keep the faith, friends come and go, some take longer than others, weeds always grow in untended soil but when the roses bloom, magic fills the air, and of course the fairies.
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