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Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

#ifnotnowwhen

If not me, who? And if not now, when?  Mikhail Gorbachev

 

 Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.   Winston Churchill  

#Ifnotnowwhen

Image courtesy of swbusiness.com.au

I’ve sat and looked at this screen, day after day and hour by hour, so unsure of what to say. It’s a frightening thing, being so unsure of what to say. I know that in what seems a lifetime ago, the words tripped over themselves trying to get onto the page. Perhaps even more frightening is being afraid that what I say is just taking up someone’s time without purpose.

OMG I thought, what if, after all this dithering around, what I write is just a waste of time. Now I realise that it isn’t. I’m writing for myself at the moment. I have to, at least until my “mojo” decides to get itself together and understands that this is what writing is all about. The courage to keep talking about what I think about – whether it’s a story or a “simple blog” – is the key to the magic.

So, for today it’s a simple blurb to say “hello”, “I’m here, not quite sure if you will hear me or not, but that’s okay. I’ve made the first step, a giant leap for me today”

#Ifnotnowwhen

Image courtesy cover_not_living_in_fear..anon

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience—you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
Alysha Speer

I’ve read some amazing blogs during my “sabbatical” which have made me hope to visit strange and wonderful places, see the wide vistas, empty ranges and places filled with flora and fauna I have never seen before. There are too many writers out there to thank for this inspiration, yet to one and all I say a heartfelt “Thank You, I will visit these places, not just in my mind from your words and photos, but in person, to feel and experience these people and places”.

I’ve read about your battles with your demons, whatever they are. I’ve felt the strength you’ve shown in writing about it. I’ve felt my struggles are pitiful when aligned next to yours – and in the end I know that I have to put that aside too. We all have a right to our struggles, our physical demons. We can allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by them. We can use the pathos of our situation to keep calling people back, or we can simply say, “Hey, this happened and it can happen to you, so keep going and after you’ve told me about it, leave it and keep going.” Our stories are important – to us, and sometimes to others, so if we are unsure, write for yourselves. Write your hearts blood on the page, your fear, shout out and tell the world, because it’s the silence which is deadly. It’s that simple thing, the silence we strive for at other times which is often holding us back.

The silence of emptiness.

#Ifnotnowwhwen

Image courtesy of maxresdefault

 

“All that is left to bring you pain, are the memories. If you face those, you’ll be free. You can’t spend the rest of your life hiding from yourself; always afraid that your memories will incapacitate you, and they will if you continue to bury them.”
J.D. Stroube, Caged in Darkness

This caught my attention and I thought, Wow, that’s exactly what I was thinking. So I know that I’m not alone.

I’m simply human – I fell off the bandwagon in truth… not once but several times. I have the bruises and scars to show for it! Today was just one more day in the struggle to “be”. It’s boring in its simplicity, my damned back is being a pain in ways I never believed possible. Simplicity itself – I leaned on something which moved when I thought it would stay where it was. I fell… right on top of new bruises from the day before and pain flared majestically through the synapses of my brain once more. I should be used to it, but the odd thing is, you never become blasé about pain. Ask any of the people out there with Fibromyalgia…. I have it and it doesn’t take a holiday, it just decides to let you think it might be going away… til it returns once more.

I realised I said it “majestically flared through new synapses of the brain” and I realise it is that and so much more. Colours you never imagined fire through your vision and logical speech and thought are devoured in an instant.

#Ifnotnowwhen

Courtesy of wildlyfreewoman.net

“I have always been afraid… Always been pretending to follow you closely, always been pretending to sharpen my teeth, when the truth is, I am … scared to death just treading on your shadow.”
Tite Kubo

 

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson 2015

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When your back is to the wall and you are facing fear head on, the only way is forward and through it.”   Stephen Richards,

The day began like every other this week, pain like I’ve never known before. For someone with a high pain threshold, for someone who has always detested being limited by anything external or internal to myself, this pain is akin to an enemy. It doesn’t help to be told I have to accept that it is what it is.  It doesn’t tell me how I’m supposed to make peace with my current situation. I can do nothing else except acknowledge that this is how my life currently is, but it is most definitely is not how it will always be.

I believe, and refuse to contemplate otherwise, that this is a temporary ‘thing’. Yes, it’s been a very long ‘temporary’ thing, but it will go. How, why or when I cannot say, yet I know that this is an immutable truth. It’s simply hard to hang onto in the morning hours.

Without belabouring it I’d like to paint a picture for you: at the precise moment wakefulness commences an intense pain lodges behind your eyes and around your skull. It feels as though your head is being crushed in a medieval torture device and your eyes are about to burst. Cracking open your eyelids the scintillating light blasts into your retinas like a sun flare. You cannot move your head or any part of your body. Every bone is screaming in pain and your muscles are like water vapour, scalding and without strength. Like an aged and ill-used vehicle I am coaxed to the bathroom, and later the pills and potions commence.

The morning passes in a haze of brief periods of wakefulness when pills and potions are taken, and something small to be considered food to fulfill the adjunct that “It must be taken with food”. Eyes closed against the glare, despite wearing sunglasses in a curtained room, the mind retreats from consciousness to avoid the presence of pain. It feels like I’m simply fading away, piece by inexorable piece.

image from freyabigg.deviantart.com                                       JUST FADING AWAY

By early afternoon I’m reaching an almost human stage. I can sit up and communicate in words of longer than one syllable. I was in the middle of doing my journal and my husband decided to go to the post office. Embarrassingly for me, it means he has decided he can safely leave me alone for a few minutes to make the short trip there and back.  What a burden!

He had been gone but moments, or so it felt when I heard the noise I loathe most and which is repeated most often here. There was no screech of brakes this time just a house jarring thump of two vehicles coming to an abrupt halt – against each other. In one split second everything changed.

Perhaps it was just my state of physicality more than my state of mind. “Oh NO”, was an involuntary gasp which felt wrenched from somewhere deep inside my chest. A terror I have never felt before was sweeping me along on a rip tide. Struggling out of the sheets, which tangled like demons around my legs I dashed for the front door. The litany of “Oh No” never-ceasing.

Miracles happen when the body is under extremes. I haven’t been able to do more than shuffle my way around for months, yet today I ran from the house. I saw my husband’s car in the driveway. This meant he was in my car, my smaller car!  The litany continued with more urgency.

Around the hedge I ran, the dead seed pods cutting into my bare feet. I saw the first car, a white ute, smashed in at the front and wheel bent back underneath the engine. If anything my primal instincts reared higher. The litany was interrupted momentarily by “Oh My God” and resumed with “Oh No” as I continued running to the corner to find the other car.  A group of men were standing at the corner as I arrived. What they must have thought at the sight of a pyjama clad, disheveled and obviously distraught woman running towards them I dread to think.

image from carrollbryant.blogspot.com

I reached the group, scanning the road for my car which was not in sight. He was not there – safe at the post office. In one split second the enormity of how I felt, what I thought came crashing down on me.  I held out my hand to the man closest to me, noticing that it was trembling violently. I barely recognised my voice asking it anyone needed an ambulance calling. Was that my voice breaking? I trued to stammer an apology as I started to cry.  As the tears fell I tried to explain I heard the accident and thought, for one split second I thought, my husband had been involved in the accident.

The kindness of the man I spoke with, Kevin, whose ute was wrecked in the accident, was touching. Apologizing over and over as he hugged me! He led me back home. Rational thought was almost beyond me. Offering him a drink I knew I would never be able to make, I insisted he sit as he called his friend to pick him up.

Ray arrived home a moment later. For one split second it seemed unreal to see him standing there. It felt as though I had been granted a reprieve although I cannot explain why. When Kevin left a minute later I tried to explain what had happened, how for One Split Second I forgot everything. Knowing he was okay, knowing I would be able to tell if he was hurt or worse. For one Split Second I let irrational fear into my heart and it ruled me completely. The intuition which guides me always, I let fly out the window.

Stupid and irrational fear ruled me for One Split Second and left in its wake a shock so profound it has made me ill for the rest of the day. My pride has been assaulted because I failed to react the way I always have, with cool composure, control, common sense and logic. Being ruled by emotions is alien, new and almost fearsome. It was definitely frightening to be so out of control.

image from 1ms.net

“Love, like everything else in life, should be a discovery, an adventure, and like most adventures, you don’t know you’re having one until you’re right in the middle of it.”
E.A. Bucchianeri,

It is said that love conquers all. It certainly made an impact today,but then it does every day. I am grateful no-one was hurt, as grateful as I am for the kindness shown me by a complete stranger. I am also humbled to learn the depth of love a person can hold in their hearts. Today was a day of revelations and all in One Split Second.

Blessings to all,

Susan xx

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