frustration | Owls and Orchids

Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Sleep of the Damned

Posted in Blogging, Coping Skills, Life, Love, Spirituality, Uncategorized, tagged #restful sleep, #Sleep of the Damned, acceptance, Communication, coping skills, drugs, frustration, life lessons, patience, routines, unconditional love on August 25, 2014| 5 Comments »

: If Only I Could, I surely Would

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out; it’s all about timing.” Stacey Charter

I know about the sleep of the damned. It’s not quite what you might think. No diving into a hellish deep, tortured souls tearing you apart – perhaps it is for some, but not for me.

Mine lies somewhere between a light doze and wakefulness. It’s the lightest doze imaginable where my heartbeat plays time with my thoughts. Thoughts in colour and action to make sleeping a sometimes joke. Occasionally I’ll slip in the transition between the two and fall into sleep’s welcome embrace. Of late, it’s filled with vibrant dreams, some easy to understand, some so confused I’m not sure where the middle, beginning and end are. But that too is immaterial here.

For several weeks, I have fought a good fight against the effects of a niacin flush. Sounds like a fancy cocktail, but without the little umbrella! Instead, it’s a detox strangle – melodramatic, I’m sure. Yet I told “them” I was allergic to “B” vitamins. I’ve had to be careful for years, guarding myself against anything containing “B” vitamins which it seems my body cannot tolerate, all except B12, in which I am so deficient they call it ‘Pernicious Anaemia’!

So my niacin flush – beautiful blushes of sunset red or sunrise hues – more like sunrise I think, as it’s followed by the rising heat of the blush and a raging conflagration – akin to a wildfire. It cannot be quenched or put out, nor tamped down. I have to allow it to – yes, flush through my body.

Like most things it’s good and bad. The good is the benefit of the detox, removing those things harmful to me. The bad – oh just the crippling migraines, light sensitivity, crushing aches and pains as though my body is being torn apart.

Even this could be managed with good rest. Yet the pain, muscle, bone, head all combine to throw a huge barricade across that nebulous boundary between the twilight doze and real sleep, hence the “sleep of the damned”!

It’s frustrating since I crave organisation. I like my ordered routines. Poetry, stories, conversation and more, photos and sharing my thoughts. That has been tossed out like yesterday’s garbage, until my niacin flush has gone away.

If I find it frustrating, it may be worse for those trying to follow my blog, since you have no idea what or when I’m publishing. It pains me to say it, as so much else does at present, but I’m having to learn patience. It’s a dreadful curse, one I’ve fought most of my life. But I promise you this, I will be back on track, with my writing and my schedule, just as soon as I’ve put out my bushfire!

Since today was my day to visit my doctor and half a dozen hypodermics later, thought is a vague thing, and vision is blurry. You might say the spirit is willing but the body is weak. Hence this little explanation for you to understand my dilemma. Now I look forward to another night of the sleep of the damned again!

Blessings, Susan, ♥

Image from http://www.josephienwallart.co.uk

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Advance and Retreat

Posted in Challenges, Health, Life, Life lessons, Personality, tagged #advance and retreat, #WPlongform, BEing present, coping skills, frustration, Gratitude, harmony, health, Lyme disease, self acceptance on July 29, 2014| 8 Comments »

Image courtesy of flickr.com

“Not to give up under any circumstances should be the motto of our life: we shall try again and again, and we are bound to succeed. There will be obstacles, but we have to defy them. So do not give up, do not give up! Continue, continue! The goal is ahead of you. If you do not give up, you are bound to reach your destined goal.”
― Sri Chinmoy, The Jewels of Happiness: Inspiration and Wisdom to Guide Your Life-Journey

There are times when it feels almost impossible to find out why things happen the way they do. At other times the steps you’ve taken to reach a point can be all too apparent. It doesn’t always mean that either scenario is palatable.

Several months ago I determined that I was going to push myself to my limits – and beyond, in order to help with our move, relocation to Queensland. The aches, the pains, discomfort, at times the agony and tears were expected. Not always palatable but, “I’d signed up for this” so I was aware of the possible consequences. In fact, they weren’t possible but probable consequences of suddenly throwing a body, already reduced to what felt like a meagre existence limping through each day, into what was, beyond mere normalcy when contemplating the workload of packing and unpacking a household.

image courtesy of http://www.cartoonmotivators.com

Since then, and our move to Queensland, there has been more of the same. Yet along with that there was also a greater sense of achievement. Here I was after so many dreary pain filled months, achieving more than I had for such a long time. My decision to make my body work, like a normal body would, in ways it had been unable to without a great deal of pain meant I would have to accept the natural consequences. The achievement, the sense of purpose made the pain and tears and discomfort worthwhile.

As the old saying goes, “I paid in spades.” Yet, to me it was well worth it. I was doing something worthwhile. That sense of achievement long missed was a heady drug which helped me feel a little stronger, a little happier and much more contented as each day passed. Such are the things we measure our successes by.

image courtesy of howtoraiseyourvibration.blogspot.com

I have yet to find a straight road in life. In fact, I sincerely doubt there is such a thing as a straight road through life. Each road is meant to have its bends, uphill, downhill, roundabouts and the usual missed turns which send you back the way you’ve already been. I believe it’s the way we are meant to learn our lessons. Often not simply learn them but by revisiting them, ensure we really have learnt all there is from that learning experience. Cliché’s abound for this, “Two steps forward, one step back” and “Advance and Retreat” seem the most appropriate right now, and yet, that is what life is all about.

The occasional hiccough, the down day or days when things seemed to pile up and that wonderful forward momentum trickled so slowly by, came along with the rich positives. My ever patient husband was my strength and support to help me through and a very dear friend was always ready to offer sage advice and cheer me up. Just sweeping those dark clouds away helped enormously.

So What Happened? Well, Life Happened.

I needed one final visit to the “No longer Lyme doctor” to get my Genetic Genie result explained. I decided that after going to all the hassles of getting the wretched thing ordered, completed, sent away and the long wait for the results that I might as well find out what it had to say. Learning about my genetic structure seemed a fair recompense for all the pain and heartache over the past fourteen months. In reality, it seemed ludicrous not to get something valuable from this learning experience I had been given. It was also immensely intriguing. Mind boggling but intriguing.

image courtesy of http://www.crystalinks.com

Then he beat me to the gratifying punch line. Rather than being able to tell him I would not be returning to see him again he jumped in and said he didn’t want to see me again! Hmpf! It was, in retrospect, an odd way to put it, but the end result was the same. However, before I could say, So long, it’s been good, but”…..I was whisked into the Naturopaths office, deluged with a tonne of information and the adjuration that I needed “X,Y and Z” to correct the enzyme breaks shown in my genetic coding.

Now I’ve been through the hoops a time or two and I know how my body reacts to a great many things, especially dietary and medicinally based items. Several rather stressful episodes in the past few weeks had seen my friendly ulcer begin to act up and the attendant gastric reflux rear its burning head once more. It’s no fun at all feeling as though you have a vat of boiling acid churning inside your stomach and flowing upwards to burst out of your throat like an enraged Mount Etna! Upsetting but it was something I could get back under control with a little rest and meditation.

I did tell the Naturopath all this, explained in great detail since they seem to think you have no idea what you are talking about if you are not graphic. I explained – decisively, that anything not in capsule form would act like a gigantic irritant wreaking havoc on my stomach. I mustn’t have been clear enough. My powers of description must have deserted me since it was apparent she failed to believe me. Did I really care that these things were supposed to help my stomach and ulcer? Not if they were going to feel as if I were dying in the process.

image courtesy of http://www.principioattivo.it

The lowest ebb if my day is early morning at present and I was supposed to toss this vile concoction down my throat into an empty stomach to start the day. I love liquorice, but this vile stuff is not liquorice flavoured at all – it’s a pale imitation, a foil on the very word designed to befuddle and cloud the senses. Feral, foul and disgusting.

One week later and I feel too wretched to get out of bed. My throat is raw, my stomach in turmoil and the thought of a drink, not even food, is palatable. Add to that the almost indescribably migraine… what was I contemplating? This strange thought keeps circling my mind like a shark through bloody waters….”Why?” “Why did I do this to myself when I was beginning to feel so much better?” I have, yet again, paid an obscene price to once again poison myself in the name of getting well.

image courtesy of academyoffood.blogspot.com

Frustration, pain and anger, not a good mix for a stomach in turmoil. Nothing to show but a return to the nightmare and another email suggesting a garlic cleanse (eight whole cloves of garlic swallowed with water, no food for a day and febrile reaction, followed by a coffee enema). PLEASE.

NO! I’m sorry, but enough is enough. I’ve done everything I was asked to for fourteen months only to learn it was all for nothing – I don’t and never did have Lyme disease. I warned you I couldn’t tolerate this kind of natural “stuff” and what would happen and you didn’t listen, just pedaled your potions. A day in bed contemplating the next step has seen me decide that a polite but firm email is all I need to do. I am retiring from medical experimentation.

I’ve reached my place of clarity. I’ve had my hard-won taste of a return to normalcy. It was painful but it was an achievement of being able to act like everyone else. I’m not ready to take even a small step back to where I’ve been. There will be other ways to “fix” anything which may need fixing but not at the expense of my sanity and health. After all, what is health? It’s being able to live, laugh, move, do the normal things of life without pain and agony. It’s feeling loved and being loved and being able to love life again. Slowly but surely I am reaching that beautiful place and I will get there, without needing to pour copious amounts of money into someone’s pocket for pills and potions.

image courtesy of healthsaints.com

“A quitter never wins-and-a winner never quits.”
― Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich

Welcome back health and harmony.

I will Advance only and Retreat no more from this battle to be all I can be.

Blessings, Susan ♥

Postscript:

I admire and applaud all those who work in a health or alternate health capacity. What works for one may not for another and vice versa. I have recorded my feelings and responses to what I have been through and whilst they are true for me they may not be for another. I pray for good health for all people, including me. 🙂

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Pushed to the Limit

Posted in Challenges, Coping Skills, Identity, Life, Life lessons, Love, Motivation, Personality, Philosophy, Psychology, Self Development, Spirituality, Uncategorized, tagged #domestic violence, #self respect, acceptance, coping skills, frustration, life lessons, Living from the heart, Love, memories, Relationships, sadness, Spirituality, support, Susan Jamieson on January 24, 2014| 14 Comments »

image from ogdenutahcriminaldefense.com

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

There are times when, irrespective of how much you try to do otherwise, you fly off the handle. These episodes are usually preceded by periods of intense pressure, things not going according to plan or life generally not playing out the way you hoped. Colloquially they are called “knee jerk’ reactions. They are usually regretted almost immediately as soon as the blood cools down sufficiently for coherent thought to return.

If, like me, that cooling off can be fairly quick, most of the time, it leads to a great deal of soul searching and castigation for behaving in a manner which isn’t liked. However, many times the damage has already been done. Trying to set things right is quite often impossible.

All my life I’ve been told I should behave in certain ways. I was “better than my protagonist” and so held to a higher standard. “I knew better than that” and so should have controlled that impulse to retaliate. When you are placed on a pedestal and expected to live up to everyone’s perception of who you are, it can be extremely difficult to find the real you. You may not even recognise the‘real you’.

image from cstl.semo.edu

There have been times, over the years, when that pedestal has rocked alarmingly as I tried to keep my footing living up to so many other people’s ideas of who and what I was. Can you imagine how difficult it might be to understand what you want in life when you are so busy living up to someone else’s ideal? The saddest part of the situation is that it all begins with the best of intentions.

Hard as it may be to understand I was a very shy and quiet child. Head down and mouth closed so I drew as little attention to myself as possible. Yet all the time I was trying to live up to firstly my parent’s expectations of me and later my first husband, my work colleagues, my brothers, and then it seemed everyone else. Everyone had this idea of who I was and how I would respond in certain circumstances. My first husband had a whole list of ways in which I was allowed to behave and respond that I hardly knew who I was. Sad, pathetic but true. The fact that I did respond as they expected, because it was expected, simply cemented these thoughts in their mind. Sadly, very few of these personas held more than a grain of the real me.

image from http://www.paulkiritsis.net

Not wanting to disappoint anyone it was easier to continue to play the roles I was ‘given’. It was safer in one particular area to follow the ‘rules’ than to face the consequences. At the same time I was able to hold down responsible positions, firstly as a police officer, later as a bank official and mother, school chairpersons and so on. I wasn’t actually hidden away where it may have been easier.

Realisation, when it seeped in was the beginning of the real humiliation. Knowing I had been this milksop of a person when I could think, had opinions and could do so many things was quite devastating. The fact that my husband was a police officer meant that I had nowhere to go and no-one to go to. Who would believe me over a serving police officer? It simply didn’t happen, not when the domination is psychological and emotional.

It is still hard for me to write these words, to accept them as reality and realise what I allowed myself to become – a doormat. I was a slave programmed to perform to command. I can never look at a woman in a domestic violence situation and condemn her, man, woman or child in that situation because it can be started so insidiously that it is too late by the time you realise. I was a slave to my ex-husband’s drive to achieve financial stability. The fact that he failed to support his children after I left, usurped part of my settlement and told the children it was theirs, all added to the ongoing manipulation. He is still doing this to my children, though they are grown and through them he is doing it to me because he knows they are the only way he can reach me.

image from paulissakippisms.com –

Why have I told you all this. Because if it happened to me it can happen to anyone and if someone reads this and recognises where they are in this cycle and can get out, it is worth my embarrassment. If it helps someone reach out, to me or to someone else it is worth the embarrassment. I am tired of allowing him this hold over me. I am taking my life back, all of it and I refuse to allow him the space in my mind, in my life ever again.

This is real. It can happen to anyone, at any time. Please, if you recognise someone who is drowning under this type of treatment, offer a helping hand. Tell someone in authority and help them before it’s too late. Life is a precious gift and shouldn’t be destroyed by insecure bullies.

I am a woman, flesh and bone, heart and soul.

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Everyone has the right to respect, like breathing, take it away and the soul dies. – Susan Jamieson

Blessings, Susan x

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What a lot of Hokum.

Posted in Challenges, Coping Skills, Depression, Gratitude, Health, Identity, Life, Lyme Disease, Philosophy, Psychology, Self Development, Spirituality, Uncategorized, tagged # X Files, #babesiosis, #being presnent, #elf development, #Imperfectly Perfect, #ME/CFS, #Star Trek, #We The People, acceptance, Bartonella, coping skills, frustration, Living from the heart, Lyme disease, Mindfulness, pain, self acceptance, Soul Growth, Spirituality, Susan Jamieson, unconditional love on January 17, 2014| 4 Comments »

image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk

“The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors.”
― Thomas Jefferson

What a lot of Hokum for We The People.

~~~~~

I had originally decided to do a short blog and call it ‘The Spirit is willing but the flesh is Weak”. Yet the more I thought about it the more I realised it simply was a hoax. Most importantly I was simply fooling myself. It sounds so pathetic to continually say, “It’s been a bad week” or “I’ve had a rough couple of days” or any number of other platitudes.

That’s not to say that they aren’t true, it’s just that I’m tired of using the same statements as if I trot out one after the other when things are… challenging. I’m not sure quite where I am on this sliding spectrum which I use to gauge how well I’m travelling. Truthfully, I’m feeling more than a little sick and tired with being sick and tired and not really knowing if I’m on the right track.

image from http://www.pcuseful.com Train track leading where?

For so long I dragged myself to the doctors and presented the same old symptoms, tiredness, aches in joints and muscles, my motivation slowly drained away as it became more and more difficult to do things. I’m a perfectionist. I’m also a control freak. I like things to be neat and tidy. I can find nothing wrong with being able to tell anyone exactly where to go to find anything they need in my home. At least I could do that a couple of years ago.

There are my detractors who accused me of OCD, but heck, at least I didn’t need to upend my home to locate a letter I need. I revel in my individuality and I don’t expect anyone else to follow suit – each to his own.

image from frommylivingroom.blogspot.com Everything in it’s pace and a place for everything.

Then I was told about Lyme disease. It seemed to fit so many of the anomalies in the symptoms I had. The medication protocols are – unpleasant. If Fibromyalgia causes Brain fog then Lyme – its co-infections and the medication to ‘treat’ it definitely increases it exponentially. But I’m no quitter. I’ve gone through the protocols, dragged myself in ever decreasing circles of confusion and despair trying to determine if I’m simply grasping at straws. And I’m still not finished.

I’ve blogged about it because I’ve struggled to find support groups or people who are willing to share information. How odd. Here is a disease the AMA refuse to accept is in Australia, penalise doctors who treat it and we cannot find anyone to give us recommendations to people who are helping the ‘sufferers’. Those who find these people, usually friends, or friends or friends, keep that information to themselves. Why? Is getting well to be a hoarded treasure? Bygone days of the privileged living and the disadvantaged fading away unnoticed.

image from alternews.com – Where did the floor come from?

I’m not simply tired, I’m exhausted. My arms scream at me in pain for typing, but this is my only outside contact. It’s lonely not being able to see or speak with people. One more day of crawling up the hallway is making me shake uncontrollably. Is this Lyme disease, Bartonella or Babesiosis or some other confounded co-infection I’ve yet to be advised of; or is it Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS or one of its familiars?

I was feeling blah this morning. I had several appointments and I’d had a rough night. In fact I crawled up to the bathroom and cried for about an hour. I’m not giving in, but where the hell do I go? How do I persuade my GP to look at my symptoms differently – not simply hand out stronger pain meds that leave me FOGGY!!!

To be able to think is such a gift. To know you are making sense and perhaps helping someone who needs to read this… that is my impetus for continuing. I have no answers, just a zillion questions. I want answers because I feel the medical establishment owe us that much – and then decent treatment. I have a right to a quality of life that is good enough to let me do what I’d like without crippling me. There is no need for it. If the damned doctors and insurance companies had done their due diligence when I had my accident, my simple accident, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now. I truly believe so. I wish I could sue the bejaysus out of them.

image from http://www.ehow.com How can I help you?

For the first time today, I ‘listened’ to someone who had always presented a positive push for the treatments they were given, the illness that accompanied them and was able to do so many physical activities I dream of doing’. Today I listened to them bemoaning their shuffling gait to reach the beach, crying because of the brain fog, the inability to raise your head from wherever it lays, and not be able to DO anything. I admire this person, but here they are, for the first time in my space.

I want to offer advice but I am unable since no-one shared advice with me, I have none to offer except to say, I understand, I am there still, drowning in this misery but determined not to let it win.

image from http://www.bannerhealth.com I’m right here, You are not Alone!

I am going to search for these mysterious support forums and try to find out if these diseases have the same symptoms or not and what works for them. I have a few answers from dear people today. Yoga terrifies me because the pain is well established but I’ll try. I may not have an answer, but by heavens, I will control my environment as much as I can so I can enjoy, to the fullest extent, the life I have been handed. I will also pass on any information I uncover – as a reference only, to be talked over with your doctors so that perhaps, in the fullness of time, we can beat these blasted torturous diseases. Such is my hope. Such is my prayer for all of us.

image from childrensbookshop.circlesoft.net Here come the answers!

As human beings, as Spirits having a human existence we search for answers. This is a prime directive so that we can learn. There is “a strange new world” out there, “new life and new civilisations” and, even more important, “The Truth is Out There”.

image from aliens.wikia.com

What more could we ask for? Who was right, Spock or Kirk? Does “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few” or Does “The good of the one outweigh the good of the many?

We all deserve a better future.

Blessings, Susan x

We The People

Imperfectly Perfect

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My Husband, My Lover, My Friend.

Posted in Abundance, Accidents, Challenges, Coping Skills, Depression, Gratitude, Health, Identity, Life, Love, Lyme Disease, Philosophy, Psychology, Spirituality, Uncategorized, tagged #Life lessons, acceptance, BEing present, coping skills, frustration, Gratitude, happiness, Inner-peace, Living from the heart, Love, Lyme disease, Mindfulness, pain, Relationships, sadness, self acceptance, Self Development, Soul Growth, Spirituality, Susan Jamieson, unconditional love on January 12, 2014| 26 Comments »

Ray and I on our wedding day May 11, 2011

“This is what our love is––a sacred pattern of unbroken unity sewn flawlessly invisible inside all other images, thoughts, smells, and sounds.” ― Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams

My Husband, My Lover, My Friend

It’s been a rough week here and although I’ve tried to play it down, inside my head and in my posts, there have been times when the thought of simply ‘giving up’ wasn’t far away. It’s very difficult to remain positive when you wake up and the moment of consciousness brings the awful knowledge that your entire body is screaming in agony.

It’s becoming a real nightmare, a waking nightmare and this morning was the worst to date. Let me explain, although it’s really hard for me to write this. I cannot move my legs, body, head or shoulders. I am fortunate that my hands and lower arms appear to be okay. I wake up feeling as though I’m in a roasting oven, on well done! I cannot push the covers off and I cannot get out of bed, (I can’t move).

image from autobio-blogs.plazilla.com

I’ve tried everything I can think of to get out of bed without waking my husband, especially as sometimes I wake really early and I’m ruining his rest. He needs it, he has to look after someone who is cranky because she can’t do the things she has previously done alone and I’m not in the right head space to “give in gracefully” and acknowledge that for the moment, this has to be my reality.

image from http://www.123rf.com – Is this what is coming?

So let’s go back to this morning. I had a magnificent sleep, six hours of deep sleep. It’s a shame it was drug enhanced but I can’t fight that any longer either. But, I heard Ray get up and that was enough to wake me. It was a world of hurt and I had no idea what to do. My entire body was locked in this agonising position and I had to move. I simply had to.

image from http://www.thedailydecibel.com

From a mental angle it is full on despair, a waking nightmare I cannot banish. Giving in is against my entire world view. I have always stood my ground, but that has become a joke since I cannot stand. Not first thing in the morning.

The first challenge is getting upright and Ray has to hold my hands and when I say “Pull” he has to pull me upright quickly. This morning I screamed as he did this. (Going slowly is more painful.) Ray has to slowly pull each leg around until I can reach the floor and then once again, pull me to my feet. He has to make sure I don’t fall backward or forwards or I’ll be on the floor. I’ve mentioned the ‘damned stairs’ before but this morning they almost defeated me. But he wouldn’t let go, nor would he give in and we painfully made our way along the corridor.

image from owlsandorchids.com Is this all that’s left?

It has brought home the simple dignity chronically ill people suffer which is taken by others as something they just have to get used to. I wonder if, in the same position, they would find it so easy or welcome! Well, we made the journey, back to bed and sitting back brought another stifled scream. (I have some pride left). It was not going to be an easy day. I swore I wouldn’t take the tablets but I was afraid, seriously afraid I might have to call the ambulance. Maybe it’s the meds but that’s tantamount to throwing in the towel and I’d rather the unthinkable than that.

So, doped up and basically incoherent I remained in a land somewhere between reality and who knows? I do know that after Ray had left I felt someone sitting down and then a cuddling into my legs, but that’s another story.

Image from http://www.prweb.com

We decided on a bath, detoxing again, but with added special things Ray thought up. He helped me to the main bathroom, (when we build I’m having a bath in the en suite!) and the most beautiful sight met my eyes. My special bath salts, lavender-scented had been liberally placed in the bath, extra Epsom salts, my coconut body wash, coconut scented body cream, candles, my bath pillow and my iPod. I could have cried. It was exquisite – and I forget to get a photo so this will have to do…

How can something so wonderful be so painful? Getting in and lying back caused another loud groan, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me. (Note to self – larger bath needed in our en suite). It was hot, as it needed to be and as I felt the warmth slowly seeping into my body, I felt a wonderful feeling enveloping me. I got my iPod and some meditation music and I was left in peaceful silence.

I came back to myself as the water lost its heat but over an hour had passed and I was a wrinkled prune – almost. Helped out and dried off and then the final surprise, the beautiful coconut butter lotion… He carefully and slowly rubbed it in from my toes to my neck and down my back. I had the most incredible massage of my back. His magical fingers caressed the painful knots and tender spots and relaxed the rest of my back. I was covered from head to toe with lotion and I felt amazing. Every muscle had turned to jelly.

image from http://www.dreamstime.com

Helping me dress and back upstairs we had a beautiful cup of tea.

I realised how lucky I was. I found in one inexplicable gift from the Universe, my soul mate who is my husband, my lover and my best friend. The pain notwithstanding, I realise I’m so darned lucky. To be loved and accepted by such a wonderful man, someone who not only stands by me, but helps me through my nightmare is a rare blessing. I don’t make it easy on him at times and my guilt becomes another torment. I feel stuck in this limbo, yet supported by a magical earth angel.

What more can I say? Love is beautiful and found in unexpected place and at unusual times. Enjoy it anytime you can.

image from 2guysphoto.wordpress.com

I feel my love flowing to all my friends out here, and to all the people everywhere. Love will eventually change our world. It is too great to ignore forever.

Blessings and love to all.

Susan x

For the Love of My Life and for the Love of Your Lives, whoever they may be.

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Service Interuption

Posted in Accidents, Blogging, Challenges, Life, Uncategorized, tagged Blessings, Blogging, Communication, computers, frustration, technical failures on January 9, 2014| 8 Comments »

There has been a small but unavoidable hiccough to normal blogging. Until my computer decides to co-operate I am unable to operate.
To say I’m frustrated is a colossal understatement and lightning has scorched the walls of the house (inside!).
I’m hoping I can get something sorted out tomorrow, or later today. In the meantime I hope you enjoy a FB offering.
I will get back to everyone once my connection and I are communicating again.
Blessings. Susan
(c) Susan Jamieson 2014

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Right Timing

Posted in Blessings, Challenges, Coping Skills, Gratitude, Health, Identity, Life, Life lessons, Lyme Disease, Magic, Philosophy, Psychology, Self Development, Soul Growth, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged acceptance, Apple, BEing present, coping skills, frustration, Gratitude, iTunes, life lessons, Living from the heart, Lyme disease, Mindfulness, New South Wales, pain, Pharmaceutical drug, Reiki, right timing, self acceptance, Self Development, Soul Growth, Spirituality, Susan Jamieson on December 13, 2013| 8 Comments »

image from nicpicxa.blogspot.com –

“Right time, right place, right people equals success.
Wrong time, wrong place, wrong people equals most of the real human history.”
― Idries Shah, Reflections

Right Timing

There are few things more irritating than a schedule which doesn’t turn out as planned. Think about it for a moment. You spend ages working everything out down to the smallest detail so that everything is planned, everything gets done and then suddenly one small thing crops up and the entire schedule is totally thrown out the window! The right timing is out with the trash!

That’s what happened to my week. In fact it began before the

image from yogatothepeople.com A retreat for the soul.

week even got started. To go to the beginning of the sequence we have to move back a few weeks to set the scene. There was a retreat planned and I very much wanted to go on it. In fact I had been waiting for a retreat such as this, by this person for quite a long time, but circumstances kept popping up to prevent it.

When such things happen they immediately make me stop and wonder why. Why am I being ‘prevented’ from attending such an event, which would definitely bring something to the table for me? Being intuitively aware of what is happening and why, is a great gift, one which is not usually understood by most people. However, to me it was a clear sign from Spirit that it wasn’t the right time for me to do ‘this ‘ course or that ‘this’ course was not the right one for me to do. Of course knowing this does not make the prevention any less irritating..

image from http://www.canstockphoto.com

So, I see the updates about the retreat and I’m sitting here missing it. One of the major reasons I ‘decided’ it wasn’t practical was due to the medication regimen I have been on which has severely screwed up my system. All thanks to the Lyme disease. Anyone who does a Spiritual retreat knows the importance of ensuring you, personally, are in the best shape you can be, to facilitate the changes such an event brings about. You don’t want to interact with Spirit if you are dosed up with vile medication and feel awful; it simply doesn’t work that way.

Over the first weekend I was coming off most of the prescribed meds and was having a fairly torrid time of things. I couldn’t get to sleep at night and when I crashed I couldn’t get going until nearly midday. That’s not going to work at any weekend event. However knowing that didn’t make me any less upset either. All weekend I thought about it and how good it would be and how much I wanted to be there. I truly believe I made myself more ill because of it. A lesson taught to make me pay heed of the signs.

I’d made a promise to myself that I would get the GST spreadsheet

image from http://www.concur.com Spreadsheets made to look easy!

done and thus far hadn’t managed it due to my reaction to medication. I seem to react badly to everything at present. Perhaps that’s another hint that I need to stop fighting the process and let it take its course. Anyway, I’ve struggled with it for seven months and it’s been miserable, but that’s what happens sometimes.

I had barely had any sleep Sunday night and yet Monday morning I woke up as if I needed to be somewhere in a hurry. Yes – at my desk and doing the GST. I was groggy but alert enough to do that, it’s only entering information anyway. Right Timing at work.

Tuesday was preparing the blogs for Wednesday, my ‘In Search of” series

image from followpics.net “In Search of”…… Right Timing

which is proving to be very distracting as I sink further into my time away and what happened. So I’m now beginning to wonder what is in my memories of the trip which I need to know now. It must be important or I wouldn’t be reliving it in minute details. I haven’t found out yet, so it must be something which happens later or I haven’t picked up on it. Irritating isn’t the word.

Wednesday was total wipe-out day. Even with catching the break and having, in effect, an extra hour in Queensland since they don’t have daylight saving but New South Wales, where I live, does, didn’t make any difference. Doctors seem to have a timetable which runs anything but according to schedule. My trip to the doctor, for which I allowed an extra half an hour was out by an hour. It made everything run late. By the time we had finished all our tasks up there and managed to finally get something to eat, we were travelling home in the dark.Right Timing, I think not!

image from goddessink.wordpress.com Chronic Pain hits everywhere.

Let me explain. With my immune system being down, thanks to the medication, it also affects my energy levels. I was pushing through to get everything done and did, but there was a price to be paid. I have paid, every day since, with pain, gastric upsets and horrendous migraines. Such is life.

On Thursday I woke up after a very short sleep again and this time felt as though I’d been tenderised by a meat mallet. Not good at all. I felt as though I was dragging a ten tonne weight around with me. This of course makes me as cranky as a grizzly bear with a sore tooth. Not a good scenario for being at a retreat or for my husband for that matter. The new medication my GP has put me on is affecting my special coordination. In fact, it’s making my fingers work faster than my brain appears to be coordinating my typing needs. It is more than very annoying. I seem dyslexic at times.

So I struggled through Thursday without killing myself or the computer. Do you know what happens when you’re fingers do the walking? It stuffs up the computer and it takes hours to fix it

image from http://www.tumblr.com What I’d like to do to that computer!

up. Apart from which, I had to download some material, which I did, but I don’t have iTunes on my laptop so they went into Windows media. I can’t download the wretched things (mp3) to any other device. Don’t you love Apple? Damned perverted extension files.

So all one nights work for nothing, it’s on the computer but I can’t physically transport it on a device to listen to it. BAH! Now to the end of the week and the lesson.

This morning I woke up in so much pain, I seriously considered calling for an ambulance. Not letting Ray take me there but calling an ambulance because the pain was so intense. The pain

image from psychicandastrology.psychicguild.com

came in great heaving waves, with medication and Reiki settling down to a dull roar, but rearing its ugly head every so often to let me know it was waiting. I’m sitting here typing because I misunderstood simple English today and didn’t get this done earlier, but also because I’m still riding the waves of pain.

So what was my lesson you are wondering? Beautifully simple really – it was not the right time or the right retreat for me to go on since I had more healing to do and that takes precedence. Why is that? Because working with spirit takes a lot of energy and in my compromised situation it would not be good for me – or them.

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”
― David G. Allen

Second lesson: Patience. All my life I’ve been in a hurry and they have tried to slow me down and

image from tonoikaipnevmata.wordpress.com

only been successful when I’ve been completely out of commission. So this is what they’ve done, made sure I cannot do anything.

There will be other retreats, other courses, other times, because I know this is the case. I will have the right course with the right instructor at the right time for me. That’s the way everything works. Spirit’s schedule trumps mine each and every time. There is no point being grumpy or ill-tempered, even with myself, because I have to go with the flow. And as everyone knows going with the flow makes life so easy. So just go with the flow and believe in Right Timing.

image from pics33.blogspot.com Right Timing is Essential

“Most of what makes a book ‘good’ is that we are reading it at the right moment for us.”
― Alain de Botton

May your week be filled with ‘Right Timing’ so that your days and week feel relaxed and peaceful.

Blessings, Susan x

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Sunrise Sunset

Posted in Abundance, Gratitude, Health, Life lessons, Philosophy, Photography, Poetry, Psychology, Spirituality, Uncategorized, tagged acceptance, Amatuer photography, BEing present, Chronic pain, coping skills, frustration, Gratitude, health, Inner-peace, Living from the heart, Lyme disease, Mindfulness, Moon, pain, patience, Spirituality, Sun, Susan Jamieson on December 6, 2013| 4 Comments »

Sunrise, Molten Gold

Sunrise

It’s beaten me to it once more

Sunrise

Golden bright

It’s light so strong it makes your eyes water

Sunrise

Over the placid blue waters

Neither wave nor a ripple to mar the blue

Sunrise

Casting glimmering flights of molten gold

Between the ripples over the water

As though the light itself was alive

Sunrise

The start of another day

Yet the Sunset heralded the end of yesterday

And I wonder where the night went

Why did it flee so quickly

Like velvet across bare skin

Soft and smooth as it slides free

Darkness

Brings no release from this waking prison

Yes I am still here for the pain I ride

Gives me have no measure of illusion to hide my face

As I hide it from the accusing light of the sun

Boring deep inside this pulsing mass I call a brain

Tentacles of pain surviving any prodding

Like a living thing it takes its nourishment

From the agony inflicted in its wake

Surcease

From this pallid existence

Between moments of peaceful calm

Hard fought with acceptance and calm

Each moment a drop of relief

So small it could be overlooked

Yet there it is

Comfort

From knowing I have the secret

The Secret

Peace, calm, acceptance, mindfulness

The tools

I now have to overcome this

Nemesis

Called Pain

Moon over water at Byron

Have a great weekend

Ciao, Susan x

Peace lily – the right flower for the right time

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No Way Out

Posted in Blessings, Coping Skills, Depression, Gratitude, Health, Life lessons, Love, Lyme Disease, Personality, Philosophy, Psychology, Self Development, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Voice Dialogue, Writing, tagged acceptance, BEing present, coping skills, frustration, Gratitude, happiness, health, Law of Attraction, life lessons, Louise Hay, Lyme disease, Mindfulness, pain, Relationships, self acceptance, self care, self healing, self help, Spirituality, Susan Jamieson, unconditional love on December 4, 2013| 12 Comments »

image from bigjoyyoga.com

“Being truly happy in life involves you feeling more in control of the direction your life is going.”
― Deborah Day

I’ve been really chipper for a while now. I haven’t let the occasional bad day get me down. Who am I kidding – they’ve all been miserable to some degree or another, but I’m getting that attitude of gratitude and focusing in on the good things. I’m working the Law of Attraction every day to bring health, wealth and… oh the list is huge.

But it has been a struggle today. I woke up after a fabulous sleep, which is a huge blessing, in an absolute mess. I couldn’t move, get out of bed or get to the damned bathroom unaided. I know Ray is here to help me but that’s not the point. I am grateful for the help, always, but sometimes it would be really nice if I could get up without waking him because I’m in pain. If he hears me moan, even a little, he jumps out of bed and rushes round to help me, just ask the corner of the bed which he regularly bashes into.

image from euromednews.ru

What seems worse is that the pain didn’t go away, despite wheat packs, pills, potions and waving my magic wand! Each time I tried to stand the world turned. That’s quite neat, isn’t it? It’s a Blessing the ensuite is so close and I can bounce off the walls to get in there. Trust myself with the kettle – oh no. How about a sharp knife to cut my muffin? I don’t think so. Fry the bacon or an egg? Same thing applies. Thank heavens it’s an electric cook top even if it’s ready for the trash.

So, from early I’ve been cataloging my blogs. I mean, what would happen if WordPress had a glitch and all my blogs disappeared? So I’ve been copying them across to a word document and then saving them in my blog folder. Who said I couldn’t do tedious? I’ve already found some posts where the picture I used seems to have vanished like Aladdin when he said Abracadabra.

image from http://www.slideshare.net

Now I was irritated, as well as the annoyance with the mobility bug, as if I needed anything else. What was worse was I felt that old friend of mine “The Black Dog” sitting just behind me waiting to visit. The misery I felt just seemed to amplify everything else.

I needed to make some decisions about my super fund which made me irritated enough to want to strangle someone. But what’s the point? It’s not going to make the damned pain leave me alone. It won’t let me see clearly, and without a blazing headache to make the keyboard move all by itself – Yes, it’s true; I have a possessed keyboard which makes intergalactic messages at the drop of a hat – or in this case a finger.

image from positiveimperative.com

Okay, so what am I to do. What steps can I take to get rid of this feeling that I have “No Way Out? Right, out comes the self-healing and self-help basket!

I acknowledge to my body that, yes, I am in pain and therefore I am going to have to stay in bed until it goes away.

I accept that I sometimes need help getting around so that I don’t make things worse by bumping into everything, or falling over!

I give myself permission to allow Ray to look after me and do the daily chores. He’s already said he’s happy to do this so why make a big deal out of it every time?

If I need to I can and will have a nap during the day. It helps to ward off the intensity of the migraine.

Okay…. I have my diploma in Financial Planning and courses in share trading in my portfolio,(Yes I really do), so there is no drama with the super fund. I may not like it but damn it I CAN DO IT. My four step self-help and healing plan will work fine, if I stop doing blogs at midnight. I CAN DO IT.

Yes, the phrase is from Louise Hay, but there are so many self-help books with oodles of advice in my library that they’re almost interchangeable in parts. I can do it and as soon as I hit the publish key this is going to be shut down and the land of nod will come calling.

image from http://www.techforluddites.com

Are you listening, my voice of self-doubt? I can do it and I don’t need you to get me all frazzled over nothing. So off you go and let my nurse come out and help with the self-care program.

For anyone feeling as though there’s no way out, remember that there is always something you can do, even if it’s acknowledging that just for a while you may need to let someone help. It’s okay. In fact, it’s good for you, and me too.

image from http://www.filmaffinity.com

Now who wants to get away from Kevin Costner?

“She felt trapped, but she didn’t have to. The world is wide open and ready, waiting for us to escape this bubble and join it.”
― C.M. Stunich, Losing Me, Finding You

Blessings to all, Susan x

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Being Thankful

Posted in Accidents, Blessings, Coping Skills, Dreams, Gratitude, Gratutude, Identity, Life lessons, Love, Poetry, Self Development, Spiritual, Uncategorized, Writing, tagged acceptance, being thankful, coping skills, Family, frustration, God, Gratitude, Inner-peace, Life, life lessons, Living from the heart, pain, patience, Relationships, sadness, self acceptance, Spirituality, Susan Jamieson, thankfulness, Thanksgiving on December 2, 2013| 9 Comments »

image from sunni-survivinglife.blogspot.com – #Being Thankful

Being thankful isn’t always easy

In fact sometimes it’s downright hard

But the evangelists tell me it’s all just an attitude

Well, Grammy Jen tells me I have an attitude

And what’s more I should just get rid of it

So I’m a might confused about what I should do

Like yesterday

Momma told me to get to the wash

And I pounded and pounded to get Tommy’s jeans clean

That basket was like to tear my arms from my shoulders

But right in the middle of the yard

Little Bobby went scooting past on his wagon

I got my feet all tangled and down went the wash

All over that dirt yard

And I started to tremble something fierce

Momma whooped me plenty for being so careless

And I had to pound those clothes extra hard this time

Every time I pounded those clothes

I pretended I was pounding some gratitude in there

It helped take my mind off the whooping

But it didn’t make me feel any better

Later when I was helping Momma with dinner

Tommy told her I tore his jeans

He only has one good pair cos he’s always tearing them

So she whooped me some more with the big old spoon

For being so careless with Tommy’s jeans

I know it wasn’t Christian like but I snuck a bug

On his plate of squirrel stew

He never noticed and I figured God would understand

It’s sure hard to be thankful when it seems like it’s always my fault

image from dougsploitation.blogspot.com #BeingThankful

I figure if I keep being thankful

Even when it’s always my fault

Maybe eventually all my daily ‘ thankfulness’

Might fill the biggest old barn around

And then instead of all that whooping

I might get a barrel full of hugging

To make it all worthwhile

But Grammy says it don’t work like that

She says, “Girl just fill yourself with gratitude,

Don’t worry about all that attitude,

God’s watching all we’re doing, and girl you’re doing just fine,

So go on now and sneak down to the river and play

Momma’s gone for the rest of the day.

And Tommy’s out after squirrels,

I’ll look after little Bobby and today we’ll both

Get our fill of thankful and gratitude

And I’ll see that sweet smile of yours for a while”

So I ran down to the river and swam for hours and hours,

Lay on the grass and watched the angels in the clouds

And I could feel all that thankful and gratitude Granny told me of

And I knew that everything was going to be alright

Because I could see my road stretching far away

On God’s beautiful highway.

image from forums.vwvortex.com – Seward Highway, AK #BeingThankful

“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.”
― John Henry Jowett

Thankfulness and gratitude are used almost interchangeably. For those things we are giving thanks for, we are expressing our gratitude for. There is no need to become bogged down in the correct terminology, if we are looking at life, at our day and being grateful or thankful for the good things which happen, then we are doing all the right things to make our world a better place.

Focus on the good things, no matter how small and more of those good things are magnetised towards us and life can become a wondrous place. It’s that easy – just remember that like attracts like.

May your days be filled with thankfulness and gratitude.

Blessings, Susan x

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Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out; it’s all about timing.” Stacey Charter

Image from http://www.josephienwallart.co.uk

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“A quitter never wins-and-a winner never quits.” ― Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich

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“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.” ― Shannon L. Alder

Everyone has the right to respect, like breathing, take it away and the soul dies. – Susan Jamieson

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“The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors.” ― Thomas Jefferson

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“This is what our love is––a sacred pattern of unbroken unity sewn flawlessly invisible inside all other images, thoughts, smells, and sounds.” ― Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams

My Husband, My Lover, My Friend

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“Right time, right place, right people equals success. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong people equals most of the real human history.” ― Idries Shah, Reflections

Right Timing

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.” ― David G. Allen

“Most of what makes a book ‘good’ is that we are reading it at the right moment for us.” ― Alain de Botton

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“Being truly happy in life involves you feeling more in control of the direction your life is going.” ― Deborah Day

“She felt trapped, but she didn’t have to. The world is wide open and ready, waiting for us to escape this bubble and join it.” ― C.M. Stunich, Losing Me, Finding You

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“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.” ― John Henry Jowett

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“A quitter never wins-and-a winner never quits.”
― Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.”
― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”
― Shannon L. Alder

“The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors.”
― Thomas Jefferson

“Right time, right place, right people equals success.
Wrong time, wrong place, wrong people equals most of the real human history.”
― Idries Shah, Reflections

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”
― David G. Allen

“Most of what makes a book ‘good’ is that we are reading it at the right moment for us.”
― Alain de Botton

“Being truly happy in life involves you feeling more in control of the direction your life is going.”
― Deborah Day

“She felt trapped, but she didn’t have to. The world is wide open and ready, waiting for us to escape this bubble and join it.”
― C.M. Stunich, Losing Me, Finding You

“Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.”
― John Henry Jowett