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Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Gratitude

Gratitude – hold it in your hands
#gratitude

“When you express gratitude for the blessings that come into your life, it not only encourages the universe to send you more, it also sees to it that those blessings remain.”
― Stephen Richards

There has been much discussion on Gratitude and how important it is in our lives.  What has also been shown is that if we only look at our world with open eyes we can see much to be grateful for. All it takes is a change in the way we look at our daily life. Let’s take a walk through an average day.

We wake up after a wonderful sleep. A bed, what a wonderful thing that is; it certainly provides a much more comfortable sleep than roughing it on the floor.  Let’s be grateful for the people who thought up the idea of sleeping on a framed bed, mattresses and pillows and beautiful sheets, blankets and quilts (duvets, eiderdowns).

Gratitude

image from http://www.thetextileicon.com   #gratitude

Showers and baths – we know baths have been around for ages, and they’re certainly my preference for a long relaxing soak, candles, scented soaps and soothing music, so we can be grateful for the people who thought of the idea of building a tub (instead of bathing in the river), and all the changes since then; candles – yes they’ve been here for aeons too, and scented, it took someone to think about the idea first before we had the pretty ones we use today; soap, this is a good one, they used a lye soap many years ago, what skin it didn’t remove was definitely cleaner. Our soaps today come in endless varieties and forms and some smell divine, given your own preference of course. Now, Showers, they take convenience bathing to a whole new level. We have scented shower gels and soaps that smell divine. New inventions and it’s wonderful to be grateful for them.

Gratitude

image from fineartamerica.com   #gratitude

Music, we know has been with us for a long time, but it has been born on the backs of old shepherds, blowing on reed flutes to calm their flocks. It has changed incredibly since then. We’ve seen Beethoven, Rachmaninoff, Bach through to Eminem, Ronan Keating, Seal and Katy Perry. Again, depending on age and preference we have so many to be grateful for.

Yet the day is only begun, we have the benefits of cars, trains and trams, buses, lifts, high rise buildings made from structural steel and concrete.  Early morning, coffee from the barista, croissants from the patisserie and so it goes on. Where would we be today without all these wonderful conveniences to lighten or brighten our day – so many things to be grateful for?

Gratitude

image from http://www.fotomage.com #gratitude

Not everyone will have all these elements in their daily lives, but most people will recognise many of these time and energy saving technological and lifestyle advances in their environment.

Now, take a look at the average day from the perspective of a person with a chronic illness or ailment. Their day might look like this: They wake in the morning (if they managed to sleep at all) in their comfortable bed. Yes, they’re grateful the bed is comfortable, unlike the board and feather mattresses of old, but they also feel a sense of loathing towards what is in effect their prison.  It’s preferable to lying on the floor, but it is a prison none the less and no sensible person likes a prison.

Now let’s look at a bath or shower. Well, depending on the illness, it is likely that there is no choice, a bath it has to be.  With all the allergies and sensitivities they may not be able to use the beautifully scented soaps, bath lotions and candles, nor the scented

moisturisers and lotions afterwards. In fact, whilst being grateful for the bath, which is cleansing and refreshing, the effort it has taken has now made them so exhausted they need to return to their prison, the bed. Yes, they are grateful they can be clean and fresh, have good clean towels, and soap which is easy on the skin. All these things are new, and, of course there is gratitude that they are here and that there is an option which doesn’t inflame any of their conditions, but options make life enjoyable, don’t they?

Depending on each person’s predicament, the idea of coffee may be impossible. They may once have been able to enjoy going out with friends and enjoying a coffee morning or lunch, but now that’s a thing of the past. They remember fondly or sadly those days. Yes, coffee machines and baristas, wonderful inventions and something to be grateful for…. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they could only…..

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if only they had good health and could go to work? Yet that is not the case and they have to rely on the wonders of modern medicine and doctors. We rely on our doctors and medications to make us well, the advancements have been amazing and of course we are immensely grateful for everything we have today.

Gratitude

image from hylaco.com #gratitude

Unless…. The diagnosis is such that there is no cure or medication, neither modern nor naturopathic which can ease the pain or symptoms. Of course there is gratitude for all the developments and knowledge the medical fraternity have gained, yet there is also frustration that with all the advances, there has been no cure found for this or that. Time rolls on and for the chronically ill life seems to draw out all too slowly and painfully.

Sometimes, healthy or ill, people are simply grateful if they are acknowledged in their daily life.  Ill or healthy, if ignored by those around you it is hard to be grateful for being where we are. We have to seek smaller things to be grateful for. We have to hold onto the happy times which occur, the times when we are able to do that little bit extra, spend time with loved ones and friends, even if they are few and far between or we have to pay in pain and suffering later. We hold tight to the pleasure and gratitude we feel when the good times visit us. For the memories we will have later.

Gratitude

image from http://www.dailymail.co.uk #gratitude

Things change day by day, advances are made day by day and we can only go on hoping that one of these days the change or the advancement will mean a cure for whatever ill is visiting us. We can be grateful that there are people always searching for answers and breakthroughs to the challenges which face us.

The more we are grateful for those people and things in our lives already, for the people who are the inventors or researchers who make the changes which improve life, the more we will see changes to be grateful for. It is not always easy, sometimes it is downright difficult, yet if we look for those small things then we may find, one day, we are looking at the big thing we were hoping for.

“Living your life through Gratitude, is not one of comparing how you are better than someone else; or Gratitude only for what you own or obtain or achieve. Living your life through Gratitude, is seeing that the world would be missing something very valuable if you were not in it.”
― Sumner Davenport

May your day be filled with love, happiness and gratitude.

Blessings.  Susan x

Gratitude

image from yourbrainatwork.org #gratitude

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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Abundance

Happiness

“If you always attach positive emotions to the things you want, and never attach negative emotions to the things you don’t, then that which you desire most will invariably come your way.”
Matt D. Miller

There are times when, no matter how hard we try we feel that nothing we do is going right. Everything seems hard and we don’t know how to get things back on track again. We feel as though we are going round in circles and can’t find a way to get off the merry-go-round. The last thing we can believe is that abundance is all around us.

It’s so frustrating when things feel like this. Unfortunately the more energy we put into these thoughts the more of those kinds of events seem to occur around us. Abundance seems to be anywhere but around us.

Abundance

image from harmonyinspirations.com.au

Your day might feel something like this:
  • You’ve been feeling tired and lethargic and decided to have just a few extra minutes in bed to get the day off to a good start. Instead you drop off into a sound sleep, wake up half an hour later and now you’re running around madly because it looks as though you will be late for work.  
  • Frantically rushing around you forego breakfast to make up time and as you finally dash out the front door you trip, catching your jacket on a nail you didn’t see and tear a huge hole in it. Now you have to go back and change your outfit which means you will be late after all and it’s going to cost you a repair bill to get your jacket fixed.
  • Finally on your way to work you have a dream run with no traffic hold ups. You start to think you are going to get there on time after all when you turn the corner and… there are road works ahead and the lollipop facing you says “STOP”.
  • Instead of a long delay the lollipop is turned around almost immediately and you get through the road works.
  • There is one car park ahead but a car suddenly cuts in front of you and it looks as though that parking space, which would have seen you arrive at work on time, is gone. Your sigh of despondency turns to a cry of joy as the car in front keeps going and you drive into the parking space.
  • In through the front foyer and you are going to make it if you catch the next lift. As the thought crosses your mind you see inside the lift. It is crammed full of people. There will be no way you can get into that lift. As your shoulders start to slump three people suddenly get out of the lift and you quickly get in.
  • You are working on the fifteenth floor and as you look at the panel you see almost every button for each floor is lit. Can anything else go wrong? The doors slowly close and the lift just sits there for what seems an age before climbing to the next floor. This happens all the way up.
  • Thoroughly chagrined you finally arrive on your floor and start to make your way out only to see your boss walk out of the lift just behind you.
  • You are waiting to be chipped for being late when he says, ”Damned lifts, it’s impossible to get in on time is it? Drop by my office later, I have your bonus cheque on my desk”

At each step of your journey you have met with delays and unfortunate accidents. Each one seems to be the one which is going to ruin your day and possibly get you in hot water with your boss. It couldn’t have been a worse start to the day, could it? Now the day has started so badly the rest of the day will only get worse, right? It’s so bad how can abundance be anywhere near you?

Abundance

Grateful for everything

Look at the day again.
  • You managed to get an extra half an hour of sleep which means you won’t feel tired all day. Yes you had to rush a little to catch up but you did and were going out the door on time.
  •  Oh, but then you ripped your jacket. Then you remember that you chose that jacket because you thought it might rain and you really don’t like it much at all, so it wouldn’t have bothered you if it had gotten wet. You will get it mended but it’s really not such a disaster.
  • You could have been delayed for ages at the road works but the lollipop guy turned his sign around almost the second you stopped and you got through in no time at all.
  • You would have had to drive around the block if the parking spot had been taken but instead you drove straight in.
  •  If those people hadn’t left the lift you would have had to catch the next one, but you didn’t have to.
  • Stopping at every floor you cannot get to your office in time, but as you leave the lift your boss is behind you.
  • He has been stuck waiting as well as you, and even better he has a bonus cheque on his desk waiting for you.
Abundance

image from onajourneybacktoherwings.blogspot.com

In the first scenario everything which could have gone wrong, did, and it would have made you late for work and probably seen your boss, at the very least, upset with you. Your focus was on the negative which might have happened.

However, each time something happened, the worst case scenario didn’t follow. Instead something positive happened. At the end of the journey to work, which saw one positive thing after another happen, you found out you had a bonus waiting for you as well. You found that abundance had been surrounding you all the time.

Abundance comes in many forms, not always money, although that is nice too. Abundance is something positive which makes your life easier, better or nicer. It may even mean it is something which can be shared with someone else. It may also be something which might seem negative but is a blessing in disguise. (Take for example a car accident. It could have been disastrous, serious injuries, but whilst your car is damaged you just have a few bumps and bruises, that too is abundance).

If all the negative aspects were the only ones you gave thought to, you would have had an awful day. However, if you consider all the positive things which helped you, then, you are going to be grateful for all the blessings you have received.

Abundance is all around us; it all depends on our perspective, how we choose to view the world.
 “As long as we remain vigilant at building our internal abundance—an abundance of integrity, an abundance of forgiveness, an abundance of service, an abundance of love—then external lack is bound to be temporary.”
― Marianne Williamson, Everyday Grace: Having Hope, Finding Forgiveness And Making Miracles

Abundance and Blessings to all.

Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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Just One Day.….

Just One Day

image from quotes-lover.com

Just One Day… there’s been a theme running through my mind all day. In fact it’s a recurring theme. I wonder what life would be like if…

Just One Day:- I could wake up, feeling great, stretch languorously and get out of bed and hop into a nice hot shower. Dress and go make breakfast for my husband and I.

Just One Day…..

Just One Day:- I wonder what it would be like to  jump out of bed, smiling at a day already planned. A leisurely breakfast with my husband before hopping into the car and setting off for town. A little shopping and then meeting a few girlfriends for lunch. Sitting and chatting and swapping stories of our day and plans for tomorrow. What would that be like, just one day?

Just One Day.

Just One Day

image from andyouaremysunshine.tumblr.com

Just One Day:- What would it be like if I could get out of bed, pull on my exercise gear, joggers and hop into the car and go to the gym for an hour, or, if I preferred, just go for a run along the beach with my husband. We could just walk leisurely along, holding hands and talk about… what we are planning for the future. Our new home, our new life, happiness and excitement. Perhaps we could plan a holiday, a flight to somewhere? What would it be like, just one day?

Just One Day..

Just One Day

image from quotepixel.com

Just One day:- What would it be like to wake up and smile, not holding my breath waiting for the pain to let go just enough for me to breathe properly, then getting out of bed, without needing to be helped upright and held steady until I won’t fall over.  Walk to the bathroom alone, without needing to be supported each step of the way, before being helped back to bed for heat packs to be brought to ease the pain, and wondering if this will ever stop.

Just One Day….

Just One Day

image from quotesoflife.info

Just One day:- What would it be like to have a leisurely breakfast and not handfuls of pills to swallow which need a set regimen to take them.  No running out the door to see girlfriends, they vanished long ago when it became impossible to rely on my presence. Nor an hour at the gym, that’s long gone as the ‘issues’ became greater. Neither a walk along the beach because I wouldn’t make it to the sand, without thoughts of a walk through the sand.

Just One Day…..

Just One Day

image from twicsy.com

Just One Day:- I finally find I can emotionally accept that this is me in the present moment, I accept who I am and where I am and what is currently happening to me and peace begins to rise up in me. Fighting against this reality can only make me more frustrated, while the reality that I am alive, within this moment can make me stronger than I knew, see the greatness of what is and the love in all things.

Just One Day:- I accept this pain, in so far as it is my present reality, but not my only reality. It will not define who and what I am. Love for me is as bountiful as my love for others. I am not diminished if that love is not returned, but if it is then I am richer than I knew.

Just One Day:-

Just One Day

image from misskryan.edublogs.org

~

I began this day thinking of this film about C.S.Lewis which of course meant that I thought of Sir Anthony Hopkins. Here is a man, who has in life, taken all life has to offer without apology, making no concessions to anyone, and accepting the consequences as they came.

This is what I have come to understand when I thought about what might happen if I had “Just One Day“……………..

~

  “Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.” ― C. JoyBell C.

~

Life goes on, with or without me. I have no intention of being left behind, nor of being remembered because I was in pain… I am me, a spirit in my own right and my own beauty. I would not change it if I could because I am growing through this and becoming…. the best that I can be.

This is me, it might also be you. We may walk together, unknown or known, but sharing the same light. It is a light in the darkness we all share at times… but the night always passes.  Please share this post, who knows who out there might just be wishing, for just one day…

~

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

~

If this connects with one person, if this resonated within one heart, lightens one spirit, then take this gift today, for each and every day.

~

Blessings to all,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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Self development - why bother

image from izquotes.com

There is so much written about the need for self development, but why bother? The reasons are so simple, if we don’t bother to improve on who we are then we remain static, unchanging. Is this a bad thing? In my opinion, and the opinion of many of the “masters” of self development, yes it is.

It is the nature of man to change, to evolve, to grow. If we cease growing then what is there? A child in a man’s or woman’s body? Is remaining childlike in thought and deed enough for you? If it is then well done, you have found your nirvana. If however you realise that your potential has barely been tapped then it is time for you to explore the avenues available for self development. It’s aim, to become the best that you can be, for this is all that can be asked of ourselves, by ourselves or anyone else.

I have included a short except from a blog I received today and I think it is worth reading since it examines self development and the reasons to be bothered about it.

EXCERPT with permission of Life Change 90:

“For the best return on your money, pour your purse into your head.” ― Benjamin Franklin

“Have you ever wanted more?  More of anything?  For any reason?

Have you ever considered why that was?

It is human nature for people to be explorers, inventors, creators or to wish they were.  It’s a human evolutionary trait and has ensured the survival of the species so far, and enshrined man as the top species on the planet, by way of adaptation, versatility with living environments, and ability to either change to suit an environment, or change the environment to suit man.

Whilst you might not think that this affects you, it’s the same drive that makes you want to stretch just that little bit, be that little bit better, score a little higher, to want more……..”

No matter who we are, no matter our circumstances, we can all aspire to be a “little bit more” as he says. A little bit more may be all we can aim for at first, but we may be able to aim for a little more after we have attained our first goal. I like the idea.

“When you concentrate your energy purposely on the future possibility that you aspire to realize, your energy is passed on to it and makes it attracted to you with a force stronger than the one you directed towards it.”    Stephen Richards

Blessings  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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Owls and Orchids

image from blog.farmaid.org       My property after the storm

“Mother Nature may be forgiving this year, or next year, but eventually she’s going to come around and whack you. You’ve got to be prepared.”

 Geraldo Rivera
~

At the time this takes place I owned a property in the Kingaroy district. It was 1500 acres and I ran 200 cows, their calves and a bad tempered Braford bull named Mickey. We usually had two horses for working the cattle and general property work.

The property was 3 miles long and one mile wide. Some land was cleared, the rest was mainly dead trees and grass country suitable for grazing. The boundary fences were barbed wire, and internal dividing fences were all electric. The cattle yards were set up near the road. The house sat on the next block, owned by my ex-wife’s parents.

One day in late spring my ex-wife and I returned home from Toowoomba after a day of shopping just as dusk was falling. As I opened the gate there was an eerie silence about the place. I knew something was wrong but couldn’t see anything with the gathering dusk. I drove down the track and none of my familiar landmark trees were visible. Debris was scattered across the track and eventually I could drive no further, so turned off towards the house. Something had happened whilst we were away.

Owls and Orchids

image from http://www.abbeylawn.net     This is what my fences looked like before the storm

I could do nothing in the dark so waited until early the next morning to find out what had occurred. I returned to a scene of utter devastation. A twister had touched down at one end of the property, smashing its way through all the fences, trees and sheds before lifting off three miles away at the other end of the property. No other properties were touched, but it had obliterated mine, and fortunately leaving the house.  Every fence was broken somewhere with fallen trees.

The cattle were spooked. They bellowed and milled in little mobs across the farm. I mended the fences around the cattle yards and the cleared paddock to hold the cattle until I had mended the remaining fences and cleared the fallen trees. It was at that point the problems really began, if I’d only known.

Owls and Orchids

image from http://www.flickr.com       This could have been Tonto’s twin

I normally mustered the cattle on the large black gelding, Minstrel. However, when I returned to saddle Minstrel I remembered that several days earlier my ex-wife had taken him to her parents place, 30 miles away, so she could help her parents muster their cattle and I had to use the remaining horse, Tonto. Tonto was a great horse, however, due to a cancer in his right eye, it had been removed and he only had one eye remaining. With a few curses I saddled him and went to muster the cattle to the yards.

The cattle were still very restless and the bull, Mickey, was very upset, all fifteen hundred pounds of him. I got the cattle moving in the general direction but then Mickey broke away. He had had enough. He settled into a steady ground eating trot towards the far end of the farm, the end furthest away from the cattle yard.  By this time Tonto was getting upset too. He wasn’t too happy after being there during the storm either. I urged him to a gallop to cut the bull off, but that meant going on Mickey’s left side to turn him back towards the other cattle. However, that also meant he was on poor Tonto’s blind side. With a snort Mickey put his head down under the horse’s ribs and lifted. Tonto didn’t know what hit him. You could say he was blind-sided!

Tonto and I flew into the air. I dived sideways and rolled under the branches of a fallen tree to get away from fifteen hundred pounds of cranky bull. When I heard the sound of hooves thundering away, I looked up to see Tonto and Mickey galloping off side by side, over the hill. Tonto was completely unaware he still had the bull on his blind side, but the sound of his hooves was enough to keep him going.

Owls and Orchids

image from http://www.braford.org.au        Just like Mickey

Mother Nature is the great equalizer. You can’t get away from it.”  
Christopher Heyerdahl

~

I cursed loudly and began the long, sore walk back to the ute.

Minstrel was eventually returned several days later and I was finally able to muster the cattle into the yards. I  had to sort them out after the storm mix up and get the calves separated for branding.

It wasn’t until a week after the storm, when my arm was still sore, that I went to the hospital to have it x-rayed. I found that I had broken my wrist in the fall. A cast was fitted and I was told to be careful with my wrist around the farm. I could be careful but there’s no end to farm work.

Whilst the cast was great when I was wrestling the calves to do the branding, it didn’t do the cast much good. As a consequence I was back at the hospital every night to get a new cast put on. After a few days as soon as the nurses saw me they would roll their eyes. Back again! The branding lasted a week and by the end of that time the hospital staff was glad to see the back of me.

Both Tonto and Mickey were doing fine.

~

“Those who contemplate the beauty of the Earth find reserves of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.”

— Rachel Carson

~

This is a true story as told to me by my lovely husband. No details have been altered to spare broken bones or bruised pride.

Blessings  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
From an Irish headstone”    Richard Puz

 

.

Traveling to Mum’s house that night felt surreal. I felt as though I was wandering through my own personal nightmare. I drove along and had no real recollection of where I was going or what I was doing, it felt as though I was on auto pilot. What would have happened if anything unexpected occurred I have no idea. I suppose I should thank my angels and Dad that it didn’t. I could sense him from time to time but I knew he would be with Mum.

Going through the front door was indescribable. Yet another part of the nightmare, never ending. There was this horrible feeling of disconnect. Nothing felt real. I felt like an interloper and I seriously wanted to leave. For the first time I can remember I felt lost, adrift on some strange ocean with no bearings to guide me. Yet I was expected to be the same person I had always been, capable, competent, organised – for everyone else. It felt as though any feelings I had didn’t exist for anyone else. Their tears poured but I felt I couldn’t, or shouldn’t. When I was told I was a co executor of Mum’s estate I cringed inside. The other was my brother.

Every ‘rule’ of executor ship was flouted and trying to say anything I was over ruled on the pretext that he was so upset because Mum had passed away. Oh – wasn’t she my mother too? I was over ruled and out voted. Meetings held without me regarding Mums prized possessions (sentimental), before her hospitalisation had seen me ‘disenfranchised’. My children were simply excluded, and I had the feeling it was because they were the only grandchildren. I was being torn apart piecemeal, no one to turn to and I was still supposed to take control of the situation, even being accused of being an “Ice Maiden”, without feelings, because they didn’t see me cry. I had a dam inside and the tears couldn’t be allowed to get past it. I didn’t want them to see it either.

image from http://www.theguardian.com     Such a vital piece of paper

The more I learned about how the Will had come to be drawn up, its contents and the meetings which took place without me, the more I felt cut off from my family. I was lost in the darkness and there was no way out.  Once the funeral was over, the wrangling with finalising the estate began. Months of arrangements and meetings, and more and more blackouts as I traveled to ‘Mum’s’ house started to widen the cracks. When I was finally told, after I organised the estate tax return, that it would be another 12 months until it could be finalised I reached “the point of no return”.  Denied Mum’s mementos, denied access to the house proper to see her things, despite everything I had tried to do and I had reached the time to say, “Enough!”

I needed time. I needed space. I needed to find out who I was again. I had been mother, daughter, sister, wife for so long that I was unsure who I was. I booked a 12 week trip to the Middle East and Switzerland, had a long talk with my children and left to find myself. My children understood and were old enough and cared enough to wish me well, however. I didn’t leave a happy camp behind. I don’t believe my brothers really understood how fragile I had become.  I tidied up everything with the solicitor so nothing would need attending to in my absence and left.

Perhaps it was prophetic that I went to the airport alone and had no one to see me off. My very first overseas trip, the only trip I had ever taken alone in my life and there was no one there to say goodbye. As the plane rose into the air I felt an enormous weight suddenly detach from me and I felt lighter than I had for so long. I had a long way to go but I had made a start.

image from http://www.travelhouseuk.co.uk           Fly away little bird.

There was a strange feeling as I walked into the Singapore airlines lounge, which felt something like, “So this is what ‘they’ were talking about. There was a feeling of freedom, of being looked after, and after the previous couple of decades it was almost unbelievable. The people there were so friendly and helpful, and despite the fact that it was their job, they made me feel as though I was special, something truly unusual for me.

The long haul trip to Singapore tested out my back despite being in Business class, a luxury I had decided on simply because of the injuries to my back. Unfortunately we arrived at 11pm so apart from a walk, a very long walk to the Singapore airlines lounge there were very few shops open.  Yet the two hour wait for my connecting flight to Athens was still full of surprises.  I had rarely seen so much food available outside a restaurant and staff who were only too happy to help. The shower facilities were a blessing and it felt really good to refresh myself after sitting on the plane for so long.

image from http://www.airreview.com             Business Lounge in Singapore

Back on board again it seemed only a short time before we were landing in Athens. I had been too excited to sleep much so the on-board films were a good distraction. I was collected at the airport – Yes, I had someone standing in arrivals with my name on a piece of cardboard! Whisked through the airport, the Greeter insisted on handling my entire luggage (I over packed) and I was in a taxi and speeding into Athens.

The driver, whose name I never did get, zipped in and out of traffic like a bee hopping from flower to flower. The nonstop information was brilliant, but I could only take part of it in. The sights and sounds were amazing. Once we reached Athens the traffic was phenomenal. So many vehicles all going flat out, horns honking, drivers waving their arms at each other and the roads – they seemed so small! It was a thrill a minute.

View of the Acropolis from outside the hotel

View of the Acropolis from outside the hotel

The hotel was an oasis of peace and calm from the bustle outside and once I was in my beautiful suite I suddenly felt exhausted. Tired or not I had to explore since I was only there for a couple of days on the way to Israel, my ‘final’ destination. I’m sure the Major D was surprised when I hurried through the doors so soon, asking for directions. I walked for hours before finally stumbling back to the hotel where I declared it exhaustion treat time and ordered room service.

One beautiful hot bath later my meal arrived and I settled down to find an English speaking news channel so I could find out if the Middle East was still peaceful.  The lure of the soft and gigantic bed was too much and I slept until breakfast the next morning.  A full breakfast was on offer but I didn’t want to waste time so off I went sightseeing and gathering all the brochures I could for my return trip.

image from news.gtp.gr     Athens Airport

 Picked up bright and early the next morning, (They even got the staff up early so I could have breakfast before I left) and I was whisked out to catch the El Al Plane into Israel. That was where the fun really began.

Next week – Learning to breathe again

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

Recollections of that Christmas are strange, some vague and others thrown into stark relief. At times I felt alone in a darkness so profound I wondered if I would ever emerge again. I can remember desperately wanting to make it as happy and carefree as possible, easy and light, a remembrance of all the beautiful Christmas’ we had spent together. Above all it had to be as far removed from the reality of the situation as possible.  Despite the strain in Mum’s face, she was happy. Her family were around her and the love was overflowing. It was all I could have asked for. I was grateful my prayers were answered.

As though Christmas had never occurred it was back to ‘normal’ as soon as the New Year came around.  Hubby had spent plenty of time fuming over my response and as a result I wasn’t too surprised when, early in the new year, he advised me he wasn’t interested in trying to make a go of things, he wanted a divorce. It was a bad move on his part. I had a strong feeling that I should move and quickly. I haven’t felt such an urging before so I did exactly as he asked. As soon as the courts opened for business in the new year I went in, filled out the paperwork and less than three months later it was all over. He got his divorce finalised (the decree nisi) on his birthday. It wasn’t planned that way by me, but I have a feeling Spirit, and of course Dad had a lot to do with the speed of things. I had more important things on my mind. The darkness was drawing in. I also decided to change my name – I needed to sever the ties to him completely.

In early March Mum was rushed back into hospital and we, at least I, had been told that she wouldn’t be going home again. She hated the hospital and couldn’t rest. I was called earlier each day because she was calling for me, so I was there from 5am or earlier until 7pm when my brothers arrived for their hour-long visit! All day I made sure she received her morphine shots to ease the pain.  When they wore off during the night she was too ‘out of it’ to ask for more. My brothers thought she was doing okay because they only saw her after a day with regular pain shots. She was alert and pain free for their short visit. They refused to accept how dire the situation was. Several falls from bed and very nasty injuries and the hospital talked hospice. Mum was terrified since, even in her muddled state, she was aware what it meant. She wouldn’t be going home. It was prophetic that she had always said she would die in a hospital and that had made her more concerned about hospital visits during her life.

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I was taking some enormous risks. I wasn’t sleeping, hardly eating and began having strange ‘black outs’ as I was driving to the hospital. At 120km/hr it was scary, and yes I was exceeding the speed limit.  They had begun when she was at home but I wasn’t going to say anything. She needed me with her. I was the one who bathed her and changed her clothes, helped her into and out of bed. I held her hand and prayed as I sent Reiki into her frail body. I think by then I had stopped thinking about anything else. I had to be there.

The day I was informed she was being transferred to the hospice was horrendous. I had been there again since 4am after she had fallen from bed and had seriously hurt her arm. It was heart wrenching to see the nurses try to dress the wounds, finally admitting when they couldn’t remove the dressings that it didn’t matter if they were changed.  My universe was collapsing.

The day was a nightmare.  The ambulance transfer was a trip from hell. Once we reached the hospice I helped get Mum changed and into her new bed. She curled up and “went to sleep.” I continued to give her Reiki until my brothers began to arrive.  They arrived around 7pm. After a half an hour they decided to leave since Mum was obviously “asleep”. My gut told me to stay. My car was back at the other hospital. Despite knowing I shouldn’t leave I allowed myself to be persuaded to go to my car and go home. Something inside screamed at me to stay, but out numbered and feeling cornered I felt I had no choice. I was so wrong and I can never forget that.

I debated, for the longest time, about going back to her, but I hadn’t seen my children and I was feeling drained. I arrived home as the phone began ringing. My mother had passed away ten minutes after I left her. I don’t remember the drive back, only coming back to myself when I arrived at the hospice as saw my brother there. I was angry. He had arrived first and had decided to sign all the paperwork. He didn’t want to stay at all. He didn’t want me to stay either, but he did want me to go back to Mum’s house with him  (where he was living) to talk about what ‘we’ had to do. A new nightmare was about to begin, one which would threaten to drown me.

image from bleeding_eye_by_flauschvampire91

image from bleeding_eye_by_flauschvampire91

That walk through Mum’s front door felt like a knife wrenching through my heart. Inside my head a scream reverberated. I wanted out! I wanted a little space to think! I needed to find something to hold onto! I was adrift in uncharted waters and I was drowning already. Somehow, some way, I had to find how to keep going and stay sane. I felt I was faced with a stacked deck, just how much that was true was to come to light soon enough.

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Next week – A New Nightmare Begins.

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

I was waiting for the imminent disaster to fall on me, or us, not quite knowing what it was and thus unable to prepare myself for it. I suspected what it was, prayed it wasn’t and waited.

Time passed and things limped along, until the day arrived when Mum had to be admitted to hospital.  I can’t even begin to say why I knew this was different. The energies around Mum seemed thick and Dad’s presence was so strong. As she always had done in the past she rallied and the hospital were almost ready to let her come home – but only after we had made an appointment to see the doctors!

image from www.the guardian.com

image from http://www.the guardian.com

It really didn’t take Einstein to work out what was going to happen. We were told very simply that Mum had finally reached the terminal stage and that because of her condition she could only go home if they (the hospital) could be assured that she would have someone with her 24 hours a day. In less than a heartbeat I discounted my business, it wasn’t important, and told them I could look after her during the days. My brother, who hated living alone and had moved home before Dad died would be there in the evenings and nights. Even though he was at home, they looked to me to settle the matter.  It was my responsibility and I told them we could manage it. I was the eldest, it was what I did.

It goes almost without saying that my children were right behind me, it was their Grandma after all. It hurt to have to tell them the bad news, but I think we were all expecting it one day, we had simply hoped it wouldn’t be soon. I say soon, we had been prepared for years but when the time arrives it is always too soon. . I thought my hubby was also “on board”. They had gotten along well in the past and being embarrassed that things weren’t great at home I hadn’t talked to Mum about it. Since I was basically supporting him, and had been all along I really didn’t expect any hassles.

Is it ironic that I truly enjoyed the months I spent alone with Mum each day? When I could see how things were and had been happening every day, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t done something to correct it. I didn’t like how Mum had been looked after as she became more fail. I didn’t like the fact that I was so preoccupied with my woes that I hadn’t seen what was happening when I visited. I hadn’t visited enough! So, without telling my brother I started spoiling her. I bought her things which would tempt her to eat, treats to make her smile, little gifts she wanted but he disapproved of. What he didn’t know wasn’t going to cause a problem and I wasn’t seeking a pat on the back for loving my mother.

If I could have given her my lungs for her to breathe instead of the horrible asthma attacks compounded with the emphysema – I would have. I couldn’t do any of those things. I could send her healing to ease things, so my Reiki training was very useful. I could help her through the attacks but I couldn’t stop them and I knew time was running out. She loved watching that crazy soap, “Days of Our Lives” and each time I saw that hourglass and heard the theme…..”like sands through the hourglass” I had to bite my lip to stop tears.  I bathed her and washed her hair, bought new nighties to brighten her days and a lead light lamp which caused a furor.

I didn’t broadcast what I considered small things to help her through the dark days. I loved her and it was irrelevant that I tell anyone what ‘a wonderful daughter I was’. It’s strange how people perceive things later.

We talked a lot about “afterwards” and I explained to her all I knew and believed. Dad’s scent was so strong in the house and she admitted she could feel him. She was frightened that there may not be anything afterwards, and I fear it was one of the reasons she clung on for so long, but our talk brought some measure of comfort and I could feel her accept that there may be more for her than she had feared.

A month before Christmas I arrived home after a difficult day of asthma attacks to be welcomed by this statement. Hubby, “This isn’t working out. I’ll be moving out on Friday. I’ll take my things when I’ve worked out where I’m going.”  For one second I was dumbfounded and then I blazed like a volcano erupting. I know my voice was like ice, as though I had killed something inside.

I remember saying, “Don’t think about waiting until then. I’m not leaving you in my house alone until Friday. Pack your bags and get out now. You can call to talk about the rest on Saturday. Now – GO!”

With a frosty glare he opened his mouth and I said, “Don’t think about it, If you don’t leave now my son will put you out.” (My son is a big man and was capable of doing just that, in fact he would have loved it. Which shows the level of discontent still in the house).

image from footage.shutterstock.com –

He left, I had too much on my mind at that time to worry about it. I was advised by my insurance company that if I wanted to be covered in the event of ‘things’ being missed later, I had to have the locks changed. He came back when the locksmith was changing the locks. Such was the animosity in hubby’s face that he, the locksmith, was reluctant to leave. Truthfully, I think I would have welcomed him trying anything. It would have been a distraction. I was becoming numb and anything would have been a welcome distraction.

But, the end was fast approaching.

Losing myself.

Losing myself.

Each day I felt I was losing myself. I had no one to talk to, I had to remain strong for everyone and yet I felt the cracks widening more and more.

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Next week – Losing my way

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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“Happiness lies ahead for those who cry; those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.”   Anon

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I pick up just after the first tour with Cherylane. During the two week hiatus I recuperated and alternately dreaded the next tour. She called, complaining about Robyn but not willing to do anything. I didn’t feel inclined to be too nice.

The next tour went well. Everything followed the same pattern as before. Each show was great, book sales going well and a full house. On one particular night, she heaped insult on insult, adding to injury as they say. In the audience was a very well known psychic with whom I had worked  through Hay House.  A lovely person, a very kind and gentle man. When she saw us talking she motioned me to go to her.  She then demanded to know who he was, insisting I bring him back to her “room” at the venue so she could speak with him, in private, after I introduced her. She went on to do several tours with him at a later date as a result of that introduction. She also told me I wasn’t to speak with him again…. very interesting. (Another gentle pointer).

That tour finally ended and we made it back to Brisbane. I had two weeks to recover before the next tour. I needed every minute of every day just to recover enough to face the next onslaught.

Each tour was an almost identical repeat of the first and I was getting really tired of the language, being treated like a servant and frankly not really well paid for what I was doing. My back and neck were suffering from hauling more and more books around, being perpetually cold and not eating enough. Then came the show that caused a major crisis. We were at Mildura, it was freezing and neither of us had enough warm clothes.

However, after the show, the audience didn’t want to leave. The club finally asked us to leave so they could close up – smart people! Everyone who hadn’t received a message wanted to talk to her, just in case someone came through. I can’t hazard a guess at what she was thinking, normally it was “no money – no ‘show'”. So, here we are in the parking lot, no coats, freezing our butts off so she could… pretend she was caring and concerned, whilst I huddled near the car because she had the keys and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Was I stupid, I guess so. (Another not so subtle hint). However, in my opinion, she wasn’t caring or concerned, every person had their names and addresses collected and payment details to buy her book.  Very late, freezing cold and feeling ill we finally got back to the motel which was like a freezer chest.

The next morning I awoke with a cold which caused an eruption of major proportions. Swearing and cursing at me because I might make her ill I was told to stay as far away from her as possible, get plenty of flu medication and wear a mask. A wonderful start. A fortune in medication which made me so dopey I couldn’t drive earned me another mouthful of abuse. We arrived at our next motel and followed the preset pattern. It went very well, as they all did. Jekyll and Hyde had nothing on her.

image from markmanley.deviantart.com

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The tension was palpable as we arrived at the cold motel. Dinner was a few crackers, a shared can of salmon and tomatoes.  Not the fare to warm you up or even keep the wolf from the door, but by then I felt too miserable to care. I just wanted this to be over with. I seriously thought of going home.  I could feel the energies swirling round. I was getting fairly good at picking them up, even though the teaching she promised had never eventuated. Thoroughly disillusioned I crept outside to call my friend, the psychic I had originally introduced her to. I needed some clarification in relation to her odd behaviour every night which flew in the face of everything I knew. (You can turn off the connection when you need to, such as when you sleep!) Everything I thought was confirmed. I didn’t say I was working with Cherylane although I’m sure he knew. However, it could never be said that I had directly accused her of anything.

The rest of the tour progressed in frost silence unless we needed to talk. It was more than uncomfortable. It was an immense relief to get back home. Once home again I spent most of my time in bed, getting well and ready for the next tortuous trip. My decision to talk to Cherylane and find a solution or an end to this madness was solidifying.

At last I was acknowledging that I deserved much better treatment. I did my part of the work well and I could talk to the audience members about spiritual matters, after all I did have a PhD in Metaphysics. Whether I was ready to admit it or not I was psychic and getting better all the time, I just didn’t get the encouragement which would have let me see that. Not that it appeared to count for much with Cherylane. Yet to me it meant I wasn’t a rank novice and I knew what I was talking about – and picking up from the people there.

The two weeks flew past and we were off again with even more books. The days passed in a blur of tension, but dragging along at the same time. The evenings were hectic until the show finished. I think I wore a hole in my shoe from running the microphone so much. (Just one more little task for me to occupy my unfilled time). Two days into the last week she came bursting out of her room, in an absolute fury. We were in separate rooms thankfully.  She had spoken with ‘our’ friend and was suspicious that I had been speaking with him. I was told that I was forbidden to speak with him whilst I worked for her, that they were planning a tour together and it had nothing to do with me. (Lesson number three and I was listening!)

I decided I was going to talk to her once we got back and tell her that she could find someone else to do the shows with her. I had a beautiful soft explanation, rather than telling her she was an absolute bitch, so full of her own importance she couldn’t relate to anyone as well as having the morals and vocabulary of a fish wife, or an alley cat, but the cat has a reason for being cranky. I decided to wait because i refused to be accused of doing anything to mar the trip or the shows.

Beaten to the punch yet again, on the way home she announced that “This wasn’t working out. It was costing too much having to have separate rooms and she would have to let me go. She would get back in touch when finances were better and we could start again.”  (Shades of Anya but at least I had been paid something). This was delivered a few minutes before we reached my home where I was going to tell her the same thing.

Was it relief or disappointment that I hadn’t been the one to pull her up short? It doesn’t really matter. I had made the decision to leave and I felt a surge of approval from Spirit. Even though she said the words to end our association, I had already decided to do just that.

My time of working with another psychic was well and truly over.

Next week, A new circle and tragic news.Arum Lily

Blessings, Susan xx

© Susan Jamieson

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

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I was still smarting from the way my last friend and psychic exited my life when I started working with Cherylane. It was to be a new beginning. She was a completely different person to Anya  in every way possible.  I was determined this time to find out if the person I was going to work for and with was ethical in their work, so I ventured out to where she regularly did shows and sat in the audience. She had never met me in person, we had only spoke on the phone, so it would be an interesting evening.

What was interesting was the unexpected message I received. There was absolutely no denying it was for me, nor who it was from, and no way she could have possibly known of the connection. It was a message from my ex husband’s father so it was as much a shock as surprise.

After the demonstration closed I waited behind to say hello to her, both of us laughing at the message since she had no idea I would be there. It seemed an auspicious start.  It certainly made her ability credible, but gave no clue as to the storm I was about to be engulfed in.

Due to my loyalty in staying with Anya, Cherylane had employed a part-time office helper, Robyn, to assist her with appointment bookings. I was to take over her role and travel with Cherylane when she went on the road to do her shows. This was the first lesson that I should have heeded.  Robyn was a former client. Cherylane had complained bitterly at her lack of commitment since she had a small child and was often missing or unavailable.  She said she was eager to let her go so I could start and get everything shipshape.  Unfortunately Cherylane then decided she couldn’t let Robyn go because she felt sorry for her due to the circumstances under which they had met. (A small hint).

I could understand her feelings but when her work was affected Cherylane was not very polite about airing her grievances, at least not to me. Still, Robyn’s hours were increased, mine cut to cover the away trips only and since I had already signed an agreement with her I was stymied. Truthfully, I was keen to work with a genuine psychic, so I was willing to give the arrangement a trial, especially when she indicated that if Robyn didn’t pick up the pace she was definitely going. Plus, she also said she would ‘teach me’ as we traveled.

The first trip arrived, traveling from Brisbane to Sydney and all parts in between. I was told to pack lightly because we had to take all the ‘show’ materials. A little nonplussed I none the less complied. She collected me from home as I was on the way to the airport and I found out why I needed to pack light. She had hundreds if not thousands of brochures, flyers, business cards and books! She had self published her first book and it was going to be part of my job to sell them at each venue.  So, a smallish suitcase for me and Cherylane and two enormous bags stuffed to the seams with books. Heavy books! Overweight baggage!

It was not long after my accident and I had made sure she had been aware of the lingering back problems but apparently it didn’t factor into her plans. I had to haul one of these gargantuan monstrosities along with my bag. Timetables arranged by Robyn had us sprinting between connecting flights, different airlines so the luggage had to be grabbed and hauled to the new departure point. Not happy – not at all.  I was ready to cry as my shoulders felt they were being dislocated every time we pulled the bags along.

At each venue it was my responsibility to co-ordinate with venue staff to get the room arranged correctly, microphone and speakers set up, chairs, a room for her to ‘prepare herself’ beforehand, and escape afterwards, set up my table outside and have all the ‘materials’ ready. She wasn’t keen on separate rooms at the motels due to the cost, but circumstances changed this later.

By the time we arrived at our first destination I was shattered. I was unsure which part of me ached the most. I went to the venue and got everything ready whilst Cherylane rested up for the evening.  However, when I finished I returned to the room and went in to have a rest myself. Oh Boy! The proverbial hit the fan. She was furious and I found out she had the vocabulary of a dock worker. Unknown to me, I was expected to walk the town until it was time to shower and get ready for the performance. Eating was a poor after thought as she now decided to tell me she was a vegetarian and couldn’t be near any meat… and she preferred not to eat before a show. Wonderful!

The show went well, book sales were good (thankfully, less to haul around), and plenty of tickets had been sold. An auspicious start I hoped. It was, until we went to bed that night. The schedule called for a unappealingly early start after the late night and for once I fell asleep reasonable quickly. Until there came the most ferocious swearing from the bedroom next to me. Cursing and swearing non stop I finally went to see if anything was wrong. There was….. the spirits from the people who would be attending tomorrows show were trying to ‘get in early’ and she couldn’t shut them up and therefore couldn’t sleep. Still, the language was ripe. (Lets not forget as a police officer I used to arrest people for using that language in front of me!) Sleep was fitful and the sudden yelling, shattering to say the least.

Hollow eyed we set off at 4.30 that morning. An early radio show (advertising) was scheduled. With no prior warning or communication, I was not to know that in the somewhat frigid early morning hours I was expected to wait outside whilst she went inside and shone.  One of the radio personnel who saw me arrive with her invited me in and got me coffee.  As a result I was introduced to the radio crew who asked me into the booth with them (Big mistake). She went over fabulously but did not like sharing the limelight, even though I didn’t speak.  When the giveaways came out, and she fessed up to never wearing makeup (which I already had on) so they gave me half a dozen goody bags. Feeling quite pleased after the awful night and early start I was dismayed to be thoroughly abused after we left. This was not turning out as I expected. Lesson number two I failed to heed.

Each day was basically the same, an early start hauling the bags, dashing to either planes or venues for advertising promotional work and then to the motel for a ‘rest’. By day 7 I was beginning to realise that this was not at all the way it had been proposed to me. As an overworked, underpaid and abused lackey it fell far short of appealing. Sleep was almost non-existent and the frigid bouts of tantrums was beyond amusing.  Yet day 8 cracked all the rest to date.

Back at the motel we were sharing I arrived to find Cherylane swearing into her mobile and bashing out something on her laptop. When she saw me I was given a frozen stare and told to collect her washing and put it in with mine in the laundry a few doors away.  Oh – and to wait until it finished because someone was sure to try to steal the clothes. Cold, tired and really miserable, it was turning out to be a trooper of a day. I did meet a really great old guy there who turned up with a hot cup of coffee and kept me company for  a while, People with hearts of gold still exist I’m grateful to say.

Another six days of this and I was wondering what I had let myself in for. In a haze of pain, sleeplessness, swearing and cursing each night, being treated like an inconvenience, I was wondering if my sanity had deserted completely.  Not quite yet…. more was to come.  Home had never looked so good.

Next week, Lessons from Spirit I couldn’t deny.

Blessings  Susan xx

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