“The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can’t get there, is the meanest feeling in the world.” Edgar Watson Howe
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There is something incredibly wonderful about being able to fall asleep at the end of a long day. It is a well-known fact that to operate at ones best we need between six and eight hours sleep every night. That is each and every night. So now I have a confession to make, my sleep deficit schedule is so far overdrawn it would take me years to bring it back into the black! I seriously envy those people who can lay their head on the pillow and be asleep in moments. (My husband being one of them). How does this happen and why, oh why can I not do the same? I don’t resent them being able to do this, I simply wish I could emulate them.
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I suppose, if I am honest, that I have never been what might be called a ‘good sleeper’. Even as a child I can remember laying awake for hours, making stories up in my head to while away the time until I finally would fall asleep. As I grew older I can vividly remember hanging out of my bedroom window so that I ould look up at the night sky and picking out the constellations, depending on what time of year it was. Of course being in the UK meant that it was light for much longer, but the evenings and nights were beautiful all the same. There was a peacefulness which was apparent as I gazed around and listened to the slumbering sounds of the ‘city’. I didn’t really live ‘in’ the city but on its outskirts. We often spent the weekends strolling through Bronte country at the edge of Haworth Moor.
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The difficulty of course, is that back then I didn’t feel tired – ever! I lived on a ‘diet’ of a few hours sleep and was on the go non stop through the day, which is somewhat of a misnomer since I would be on the go day or night. Even as an adult, with a family of my own, I was never one to spend long hours sleeping. I could bound out of bed and be working at warp speed all day without ill effect. My children often tell me now, that going ‘shopping’ with me was torture because they would need to run to keep up with me as I charged through the day. At the time I had no idea. Strange how these things are brought home to roost later on.
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Truthfully, it was never a problem for me because I could get everything done I needed to and have time to spare for myself, to do those things which I wouldn’t be able to if I didn’t rush around. I was almost obsessive about filling up every moment of the day. I was a keen craft person, constantly handling several projects at once, depending on how I felt at the time. I did tapestries, crochet projects and cross stitch to name a few. I never did get the hang of tatting though. My home is filled with framed tapestries and cross stitch works and I have a cupboard filled with crochet mats and covers of all kinds, shapes and sizes.
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Perhaps therein lies the secret. I was relaxed whilst I was doing these hobbies. Not only was I relaxed whilst I did them, I could watch TV if I chose, have conversations with anyone and even help the kids with their homework. It occupied my hands but left my mind free to concentrate elsewhere. Multi tasking became second nature, in fact I rarely thought about it being odd to juggle so many things at once. It’s only been in recent times that ‘being present’ has brought home to me how far from that I was in those days.
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So what caused the change? A simple car accident! I suffered no more than a simple whiplash. Let no one ever tell you a whiplash is simple. Thirteen years later and I’ve just undergone treatments which brought tears to my eyes to relieve the pain. I went from sleeping soundly, when I did go to sleep, to being unable to lay in bed comfortably at all. I lay awake by the hour, uncomfortable and unable to distract myself. My time-honoured practises to wind down, my hobbies, had been taken from me also, since my neck injury prevented me from bending my neck for any length of time at all. It took all my energy to force myself through each working day, get the essentials done at home and try to steel myself towards that moment when I had to go to bed. I counted sheep. I listened to meditation ‘music’ as well as the guided meditations. I bought the CD’s with the binaural beat, guaranteed to give you a good nights rest, all without any success at all. Not even the smallest degree of success. I still couldn’t relax because it was uncomfortable in bed or out, and I haven’t to this day been able to lay on my side again.
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My daughter jokes that I’m the only person she knows who can get out of bed and have the bed look as though no – one has been in it. I simply do not move during the night! Is it any wonder I don’t sleep well, if I sleep at all? It’s frustrating to say the least. I have to wait until I’m so exhausted sleep finally comes for me, broken though it will be because there are too many things the day needs to see me accomplish. “Time and Tide waits for no man” said Shakespeare. How true. In due time I know I’ll be able to get back into a regular sleep pattern, but at present I am still struggling, and feeling frustrated with myself. It does help with the writing though!
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It’s now well and truly daylight. I’ve watched the sun come up, which in itself is a treat. I’ve watched my bush pheasant scuttle across my garden, the doves playing at the pool’s edge and the heron take a few drinks from the pool since the dam had finally dried up. I’m very lucky there are some benefits to my sleeplessness, although I will gladly come to an accommodation so that I can see my early morning treats and still get sufficient sleep to prevent me from turning into sleep deprived zombie each day! So off I go to snooze a little, and then hit the day at a run – hopefully. Journal time first thugh! Have a glorious day – it certainly looks like it will be from this vantage point.
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“Time is the reef upon which all our frail mystic ships are wrecked”
Sir Noel Coward Blithe Spirit
Owls and Orchids 