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Posts Tagged ‘knowledge’

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“Duty is heavier than a mountain, death lighter than a feather”.                      Robert Jordan in The Wheel of Time Series.

“Pride comes before a fall. ” (British & Australian something that you say which means if you are too confident about yourself, something bad will happen to show you that you are not as good as you think you are.

For me it  has always been an old saying and one which holds a great truth. It’s also true that it is a foolish person who tries to hide that they have been an absolute ass. Yet we still try. I still try!

An apology costs little – occasionally a little pride but not too much, and a great deal more to be gained from offering that apology willingly, sacrificing that small amount of pride than allowing an unpleasant situation to continue to fester. I have watched some people go so far out of their way to avoid giving that  apology that in doing so they have made an even bigger fool of themselves.  Such is what being human is all about.

So, from someone who has spent a lifetime observing human nature, take it from me, if you find yourself in a position where, however inadvertently you have caused some offense, swallow your pride and apologise before it becomes big enough to choke you! It clears the air much faster and causes much less grief.

I have a “bad back”, which is an understatement. What it does mean is that I have a lot of pain, a lot of the time. It can’t really be seen so no one else really knows, except those closest to me, such as my husband.  Many inconsequential acts  which are taken for granted cause me varying degrees of difficulty depending on how bad my back is.  There are days when a simple shower is a huge challenge; getting dressed a nightmare, especially pulling anything over my head; and putting on a pair of shoes, even slip on shoes – well, enough said. Simple things you wouldn’t give a second thought to.

image courtesy of michaelsmindandsoul

Even more than this is the truly awful feeling of not being able to sleep well. It ranges from the simple act of trying to find a position which causes you the least amount of discomfort (not no pain!), to sleeping so shallowly each night that each movement you make drags you painfully awake. Instead of being able to look forward to sleep at the end of the day I almost dread it.

Stress causes havoc as we all know, and of late it has decided to see how much it can load me with before I break. Layer upon layer it has been growing until I want to scream in pain, yet I won’t because that would hurt too much. A nice irony, hmm.  So I foolishly try to remain still and silent so that my husband can sleep and not worry quite as much as he does.

More lunacy! Weeks of this rough sleeping and I’m exhausted. I look like a prize-fighter after ten rounds with Mike Tyson, black circles so deep under my eyes no amount of make up can hide them, and my face so grey I’m looking ancient. So I’m angry. Angry at myself and my inability to change things. But at present, and I can hardly be anything but present in this,  I’m furious that I’ve allowed my situation to hurt the one person it never should – my husband.

He is, without a doubt, the reason I try not to complain. He is the reason I try so hard to do the things I know I should not do because underneath all this, I know that I want, more than anything, to make his load a little lighter and not add to his with my ‘petty’ problems.  Yet that is just what I have done.  He has done so darned much over the Christmas New Year period to make things easier for me, whilst also keeping up with his work schedule that he too is really over tired and needs a few early nights to catch up. Yet the idea of an early night – horrifies me.

image from fsphealth.co.za

So what did I do tonight? I pouted! I moaned! I begrudged his ability to fall asleep easily and sleep soundly throughout the night whilst I couldn’t even toss and turn. How many married people or couples out there enjoy being able to cuddle up to their partners during the night?  Just to wrap your arms around each other and sleep?  I know I used to and I miss it! With the pressures of late I have really missed it more than ever.  So, for the past four nights I have carefully crept back into bed after dawn and snuggled into his arms and fallen into a deep and dreamless sleep. YES!  Bliss! Heaven!  At least it has been until he has had to get up and I have woken again. I have paid the penalty for my stupidity in full.  My foolish pride has paid a steep price.

In the blink of an eye as he has gotten out of bed, I have woken to Thor’s hammer pounding my head. My neck, shoulders, back and… well whichever side I slept on, has been a mass of molten pain. It has been so bad I have had to ungraciously agree to wear my neck brace because my head and neck felt as though it was going to part company, painfully.  I have had to yield and accept help to get to the bathroom and then back to bed, where he has arranged the mountain of pillows for me to try to rest on, and a cup of tea which says “I love you” more easily than anything I know.

image from cutcaster.com

Am I grateful? You cannot imagine how grateful I feel and yet I more than simply grumbled at him because he was tired. He carried my load without complaint or asking for anything in return and I bitterly and selfishly grumbled at his need for an early night.  Do I feel ashamed? You bet I do.

Oh yes, I apologised before he fell asleep, but is it enough?  He will say it is, but it isn’t for me. Not by a long way. He doesn’t deserve my lack of gratitude even for a moment. He tells me I would do the same for him if the roles were reversed, and he is right, but that is neither here nor there at present.  I shouldn’t blame myself either but it is hard not to. I feel like an ingrate. An ungrateful wretch and  wonder how I managed to deserve such a wonderful, generous and kind soul whose patience I must sorely test.

I pray for the opportunity to be able to show him how much I truly do care for him, and appreciate all he does for me. I pray he knows how much I love him and wish him the success he has earned with all that he does.  I can barely wait until we can do all the things we’ve planned and talked about. I know it will happen because – as he loves to say…..”that’s the way, uh huh, uh  huh, I like it”.  lol  I simply know that it will be and I am grateful for that knowledge from the Universe.

So, for all of the humans out there, who make the human mistakes I make, rest assured, all will be s it is meant to be in the fullness of time.

Love and a beautiful day to all.  Bless ❤

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image from el3mentsofwellness.com

The mind is a strange and wonderful thing, it can fill you with delight and excitement and it can also eclipse you in shadows and tears.  It’s the quintessential offering between dark and light, depending on how you approach things. Memories are the living reminders of the past, where friendly apparitions walk through our minds and hearts, helping us to recall the fun, the frivolity, the serious and the sad events of our life. Our highest of highs and lowest of lows.

Yesterday, January 2nd was my time to take a ramble through the laneways of my mind, my memories, as I recalled what that day means for me and where my rambling took me. On January 2nd 1998, at 12.15am, my father William Lister passed away as I sat by his hospital bedside. His two year battle with his illness was finally over and as I held his hand, (I have to admit) I was relieved that his pain was finally over. He had crossed over to join the rest of our family who were in spirit and the next stage of his existence had begun.

It was a cruel irony that the last two years of his life were spent in a mammoth struggle to “soldier on”, typical for a man who spent his National Service in Egypt and Switzerland, in an attempt to save his family from as much distress as possible. Such is the nature of the man, and the atypical “stiff upper lip” and non complaining attitude of the Yorkshire man he was, that no-one ever heard him complain.

William Lister (Dad) 1954, shortly before his deployMent to  Egypt.

William Lister (Dad) 1954, shortly    before his deployment to Egypt.

In life he was an irreverent rogue, filled with fun and frivolity, an irrepressible funster with an ever-present smile or cheeky grin, whom everyone loved as everyone I can recall fell under his spell.  He was a genuine gentleman and everyone respected that.  He was definitely someone who was in touch with his “inner child” and gloried in playing with him – especially where his children were concerned, and when they came along, his grandchildren.  Everyone knew his greatest passion in his life was his wife, Patricia, (Mum), and with very little difference was the joy he had in and with his children, and  later his grandchildren, he surrounded us with unconditional love. His “inner child” had plenty of opportunity to come out and play. Children simply loved him.  His family was the centre of his universe and he was a truly contented man. He told me during our long wait that he had wanted for nothing more from life than he had been given.

So yesterday was spent acknowledging the sadness of loss but tempered with the knowledge of the love, the fun and games, the satisfaction he had in and for his life and the great joy he brought to so many, both in the family and to his friends outside the family. The great happiness and joy he brought to my life. At the “end of the day” we can all only ask for this much and if we have achieved it then we have served the Universe and Spirit well.

Patricia Lister (Mum) 1995

Patricia Lister (Mum) 1995

We, those left behind, always wish for more, especially more time. Yet love knows no boundaries of the flesh. As I write this I know he is here with me now. I sense his presence, I smell his scent and I know he is here as he was with me yesterday. It is a comfort and support, and what more can I ultimately ask for?  His presence prompts me to remember all the good times and although it takes a long time, and there are occasions when I slip, I grieve a little and then remember the fun and happiness and go on again. Whilst the memories may be bittersweet, they are still sweet, never gone, never forgotten and ready to reach out and comfort if we need it.

In my meditation last night I blessed and gave thanks for the wonders of the silken chains of love, of family, of friends which we forge. During life and beyond they remain, ready still to love, to comfort and to teach. I am grateful for the wonderful times I had and which I can remember always.

I am grateful for the lessons I have learned, that the spirits of our loved ones still remain, that we are all spirits in a physical incarnation. There is a sense of peace in knowing this and in feeling this, so that even on my walk down “Memory Lane”  I am mindful of the knowledge that he is with me still, acceptance of our souls growth through life and beyond, and that we have each chosen our life lessons even if we often have a difficult time understanding them.

William Lister (Dad) 1995

William Lister (Dad) 1995

In the heat of the cemetery yesterday standing with my husband Ray at my side, a breeze blowing zephyr like through the trees, the birdsong from the nearby bush a chorus in the background to soothe us, a young hare suddenly darted out of the gardens, charging up the edge of the grass verge before bounding across the road and into the bush on the other side.  To say it was a pleasant surprise would be an understatement. It most certainly lightened the sadness.

I looked up the mystical meaning of seeing a hare, and considering where I saw it I think it was particularly  relevant.

The Romany (Gypsies) believe a hare is a lucky omen.

Some Native Americans see hare as a messenger telling you to put fear behind you and get on with your life.

Since our ancestry is both Celtic (Irish) and  Romany, I couldn’t think of a better sign from Dad that he was definately there with us.

I Love you Dad.

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“It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come. “
Dalai Lama

lotus - peaceful tranquility
image courtesy of society6.com

I’ve come to realize that peace, tranquility and honoring your own place is truly and completely personal. It isn’t something you can point to and say, “Yes, this is it”.  It really is a combination of thoughts, feelings and place or places.  I found some wonderful places I’ve been to where the quietude of the moment has made my heart swell, and my mind to find that moment of stillness where the world washes away and I find I can really breath again.  It is a beautiful feeling and in the hurly burly of modern society is something which we have to actively seek out if we wish to find it.
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I expected this week to be a bit of a challenge. Why?  In essence because that’s how I made it, which, in retrospect was quiet silly.   I’ve known for a long time that life has its ups and downs, somewhat like riding a roller coaster – if you like that sort of thing.  Personally, the roller coaster is a little too much for me. At the top of the climb my heart is in my mouth, my tummy still sitting at the ground level and I’m questioning the ultimate wisdom of sitting where I am. Then the fun begins and we hurtle down towards the ground and my head is screaming from the clouds, my tummy dropping like a stone even further into the ground after being dragged from where I left it.  Sounds like fun doesn’t it?

roller coaster

image courtesy of suite101.com
So this week has allowed me to gain a little wisdom into what I want my roller coaster to be like.  My good friend and mentor NC, has shown me, as I really already knew, that life, my life, has its own “sinus rhythm”, and we cannot change that, it’s how I, at least operate.  It doesn’t have to be high adrenalin.  I simply need to understand that this is how it is and – the big impact – manage it!
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So yesterday, after gaining my refresher upload on who, what and why I’m here and how to go about it in the best way possible for me, I decided that it was time to “smell the roses” a little.   However, I’ll backtrack a couple of hours because we wanted to be in “the right space” before I spoke with Nicole.  I have heard so much about Queenie’s at Nundah that I was simply so eager to get there and try out the ambiance.  I’ve only recently been introduced to the delicious aroma and taste of French Earl Grey Tea and was looking forward to having some there, plus a small snack – my tummy knows the time!

Queenies Tea House

image courtesy of Queenie’s Traditional Tea House

The tea was superb, and the sandwich trio was divine.  Ray had a plain tea and sandwiches but enjoyed it just as much as I enjoyed mine. We eyed the delicacies as they were paraded past us and debated indulging, but my appointment called and we promised ourselves the full “High Tea”  experience, sometime very soon!  I am so grateful we’ve  been introduced to this gem, if only we had one on the Gold Coast too!

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Afterwards, feeling as though I need to be grounded again, we decided we would follow-up on another very well recommended haunt in the area, Chouquette at New farm.

delicacies from Chouqueete

image courtesy of Chouquette, New Farm

MilleFuelle
image courtesy of  thisisvincispeaking.wordpress.com

Chocolate delicacy

image courtesy of yeeshin.wordpress.com
Yes, we indulged ourselves and it was DELICIOUS!   I must go back earlier in the day when there is much, much more to choose from, although it took long enough to settle on these two delicacies. Yummy!  The drive home was  delightful, since I was allowed to semi snooze most of the way.  My husband is such a wonderful chauffeur.  Love you darling!
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Sounds so simple, and it is, except I forgot about it, yet again today! I’m not immune to life’s ups and downs, nor am I perfect in putting into practice what I know and should do without thinking. I’m a spiritual being living in a human body and trying to learn what I’ve come here for.  I spent much of the wee small hours thinking over what had been an upset over something so minor it simply should have paled into insignificance after our wonderful day in Brisbane. Instead I let it get me all roiled up and needed to put everything back into perspective.  I forgot that on my own personal roller coaster  I had climbed the peak and come rushing down into the valley and derailed! I needed time to regroup before climbing back out again.
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Back on track, life has smoothed out again and I feel good. Not perfect, but I’m learning to forgive my impulsiveness and accept I am human.  Life rolls on and I’m determined I’m going get back on that ride and finish the darned thing!

peaceful scene

image courtesy of readysethappy.blogspot.com

Life is good. I am loved and accepted for the person I am and that’s all I can ask for. It’s a lot more than most are offered so I am grateful and truly blessed.  I wish for you a beautiful day, every day.

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“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” – Judy Garland

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