Owls and Orchids

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“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

People are strange creatures at times, especially where matters of the heart are concerned. It seems that when love comes knocking at the door, many times common sense, or self-preservation goes out the rear exit.  It’s a sad and potentially disastrous situation and I’m certain it’s the reason so many relationships appear to end up falling apart. It’s sad because it leaves behind pain, heartache and often wariness to let love enter again.

When we are young and feeling invincible we rarely want to take advice from our elders. Advice from our parents, who cannot possibly know what ‘we’ feel is simply ridiculous. So when things start to feel wrong, we are reluctant to approach them for advice. So who do we turn to? Often its our friends…. the same age, the same experience, the same lifestyle as we ourselves have. So we get the same level of advice as is currently running through our own minds. In the end, there is a struggle to make things work or your friends will support you as you try to get over the ‘break up’.

What a difference it would make if our lifestyle was more akin to that of our great grandparents. The family unit was closer. There was more communication and reliance on parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles even cousins to teach us the ways of life. With the spread (or breakdown) of the family unit, that cohesiveness has vanished and sometimes we are left without a support network of any kind. Divorces are commonplace and rarely amicable, with children losing a stability taken for granted in bygone times.

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It seems there is no guide-book for life, we are meant to flounder along and either succeed or fail depending on how we manage to navigate the currents of life. So many people in pain. So many people who in trying to do the best they can become shadows of the people they could be. It’s a time when sub personalities become dominant as they try to protect the vulnerable “Inner Child” from being hurt more than necessary.

However a downside to this is the burying of emotions which need to be dealt with so that growth as a person can continue. If left buried these emotions can rise to the surface at unfortunate times and create havoc, possibly even ruining the opportunity to have a successful relationship. Understanding human relationships, reactions, emotional responses and even how men and women speak to each other can be invaluable and yet are ignored by our ‘education system’.

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Recently I read about a couple in their middle years (fifties) who failed to understand how they related to each other, their communication styles, to the extent that a wonderful relationship failed. How much simpler if, instead of fostering the divisiveness between cultures, between people, we learned how to really speak to each other, irrespective of race, colour, creed or gender simply between one human being and another. (Think the “5 Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman, for example.)

It makes so much sense, could save so much heartache and save so much money on the need for interminable therapy later in life as we learn these lessons, if we could have been equipped with this knowledge as we began our solo journeys into adulthood. If everyone began by reading this one simple book, and I don’t for a moment believe it is necessarily the quintessential answer, it might, just might be a beginning to learning how to relate to one another in a more meaningful way.

Perhaps I’ve seen too many families broken apart, too many broken people to not want to try to remedy the situation if we can. There are too many books, experts who are willing to say they can teach people how to understand the secrets of language and behaviour between the sexes. Isn’t it worth a try? For ourselves as well as our children’s sakes?

Love and happiness are our birthright, not a lucky dip.

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“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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May happiness follow you all the days of your life. You are always loved.

Blessings, Susan x

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