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Posts Tagged ‘marionettes’

Let me paint you a picture.

image from cheezburger.com

The day began like most days…. the realisation by slow increments that it is daylight and there is a need, almost an urgency, to attend to certain bodily functions. A low groan makes itself heard and as your eyes are painstakingly cracked open once more a blurry visage appears in the small field of your vision. An angel from somewhere has appeared and manoeuvres you into a seated position, legs are swung around and after a pregnant pause you heave and are heaved into a standing position. An uncoordinated marionette staggers to the bathroom and in due time reappears and the return journey is replayed much like the first half of the sequence.

image from david-procter.mysupadupa.com –

Tea arrives and the humanizing process has begun. This is usually the time the sunglasses appear so that the eyes can be opened a little further. The first tablets appear and are ingested.  Strange noises, groans and half formed words slide past strangely numb lips.  Decoding this strange language takes skill but the angel seems to understand, more pills are swallowed and the angel then fades into the distance after ensuring you are properly propped up by a mound of pillows, neck braced to stop you twisting into a pretzel and silence reigns one more.

Eventually, you regain more recognition of your surroundings. The strange dream of running with wolves fades into the background, although the vision of a pair of wolves eyes remains, “You are being looked after by the wolves”. Such a strange thought to surface with, but at least the lucidity is returning. I have yet to work out the meaning of the strange dream which is till with me and has nothing to do with what followed..

Eating is not a topic I discuss often these days. Food, once a delight to all the senses, now requires a  tentative approach, taking into account all the strange gastronomic reactions that may hide for the unwary.  For some time we have been trying to work out what we can do to start the (my) day with something nutritious but which will not cause the unwelcome havoc other food has caused.

Eggs! Gods gift to the ill, small children and the elderly. So my grandmother always told me. They have been eulogised and vilified over the years.  Right – we have a beginning. We have recently gone glutton free – oh, sorry, that should be gluten-free, and have found some very nice gluten-free muffins. We, that is my chief cook, suggested a nutritious home-made version of (don’t spank me) the McMuffin!  Gluten free muffin, organic eggs and bacon. Hmm, I think we may have a winner.

Oh yes! Glorious yummy, decadent golden goodness.  Beautiful firm cooked egg white and soft runny golden yolk, crispy dry fried bacon and a toasted muffin. Ooh – aaahhh, so scrumptious.  Sorry, too tasty to stop for a photo!

image from nookandpantry.blogspot.com –

Now for days I have been served this delicious and nutritious start to my day… whatever time that happened to be. More often than not it is Ray’s lunch, but I’m not complaining, not at all.  I slowly nibble my muffin and ease into the deliciousness of food sitting sweetly in my tummy and start to feel human again.

Eggs are delightful and entertaining fare.  I have watched as Ray tucks heartily into his muffin and been rewarded by the golden yolk spurting out and hitting his lap; (must not laugh, must not laugh), followed a couple of days later by it shooting out toward him and hitting his lapel and chin, (must not laugh, must not laugh).  There is a very good reason for not laughing. I have found, to my dismay, that if I start to laugh I forget to chew and swallowing a half chewed morsel can cause coughing and spluttering and all sorts of unpleasantness.  I’ve taken the reminder as a warning to not feel smug because I haven’t had a problem with my yolks. (Bad, bad move, now I’ve “put the wood on things”).

This morning, well today, was a complete farce from beginning to end.  Everything progressed as usual until the Ray Muffin arrived. I’m nibbling away and Ray is tucking in. As his teeth come together there is a brilliant yellow  stream spraying out the side of his muffin and up his arm.  Not content with that, the surprise made him bite his cheek. D’oh and Double ouch!  I’m feeling chipper, no yolky mess here. Big mistake, smugness is not a good thing. I’m still nibbling, haven’t hit the golden yolk yet.

OMG! A huge spray of hot, golden yolk flies out of my muffin and hits me squarely in the chest, rapidly running down and congealing into a sticky mess on my shirt. Icky! Looking with affronted dismay at my lost yolk, Ray dissolves into laughter. I’m not sure who or what to be more affronted by, Ray for laughing, or the loss of my beautiful yolk. Oh, the revenge of the eggceptional Ray Muffin.

No, this is neither Ray nor I, but I’m sure you get the gist of the mornings farcical nature. To conclude this homage to the revenge of the humble egg I found this humorous anecdote.

“So familiar are eggs to us, however, that in the eighteenth century they were referred to as cackling farts, on the basis that chickens cackled all the time and eggs came out of the back of them.”
Mark Forsyth, The Horologicon: A Day’s Jaunt Through the Lost Words of the English Language

Mystery, if such there was has been solved. It was “Eggceptional Holmes”.

Ciao,

Susan

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