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Posts Tagged ‘Mindfulness’

#IamYouAre (more…)

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“You must find yourself before you can know where you belong, yet to find yourself first you must know who you are. However, you will never really know who you are if you are always allowing other people to define who you should be, so be yourself and if you are still unsure of who you are then reinvent yourself.”
― Andrew James Pritchard, Smoke and Mirrors
” Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can’t get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you’re doing. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.”
– Alan Alda

Like all good things, stories need an ending. In Search Of deserves to have it’s final ending, the climax as it happened at the time. Here is the beginning of the end of the journey.

 My last days in Switzerland went by both in a blur and stretched out enormously. There was a feeling of storing memories for times to come, but also of seeing each infinitesimal moment as an entire story, just waiting for it to unfold itself. Whereas each individual minute was a treasure, even those things often repeated, they also felt unique in and of themselves.

It was strange that so many different memories could be evoked by the daily routine of enjoying a coffee in the lounge. The smile of the waiter and the bonhomie of the other vacationers as we sat around, reading, talking or silently gazing into the further reaches of forever, each felt in some way part of the other and yet at the same time, as individual as the clothes we wore. It as simple as that. We were together and at the same moment, completely separate.

The last night in Geneva was spent in another type of blur. Good food and wine, scintillating conversation. It was difficult to realise that a few short weeks earlier we had met for the first time and yet now, it was as effortless as if we had been friends for many years. Time flew by alarmingly fast and I wanted to cram as much into it as possible. The feeling of not having enough time made me think of the film “The Langoliers” by Stephen King. Somewhere in the vastness of the Universe were some eldritch creatures gobbling up the seconds as we used them, leaving nothing behind unless we filled them once more by something we had said or done. I found it amusing that I should think of that before I was to board the plane in a few hours since during the film it was just that which saw a catastrophe loom.

Yet the morning came all too fast, and despite my fanciful notions, I knew that the trip would be peaceful enough. As we drove to the airport I knew I was going to miss the glorious scenery, the brisk feeling of the air and the beautiful scents of spring flowers growing everywhere. I said a silent ‘goodbye’ as we drove round Lake Geneva and passed the beautiful swans in their nests close to shore. Where else would I see such an unusual sight?

The flight to Athens was uneventful, as I expected. The otherworldly view of the rolling carpet made by the clouds covering the land below, allowing the mountaintops to peak through was a unique way to end my short trip to Switzerland, allowing me the knowledge that I was eager to return, one day soon I hoped, to finish my exploration of this beautiful country.

#InSearchOf

Alp peering through a carpet of clouds                  Image courtesy of http://www.startribune.com

We arrived in Athens late in the day and after I had collected the luggage I had left in storage, we made our way to the city centre and the hotel. Except this was not the way we had travelled on my last stopover. Liveried staff hurried forward to help me from the car, gathered my luggage and ushered me to the Concierge’s desk. A beautiful, tall and dark haired man explained that the hotel had been booked out by a wedding party. My stomach dropped. He then went on to explain that due to the hotel inconveniencing me I was being upgraded to another room – free of charge, of course! This was completely unexpected.

Dressed in my well-worn, if clean and respectable looking jeans and blouse, I still felt woefully under dressed for this sumptuous hotel. As we rode the lift up, ever higher, I was beginning to wonder if I was being sent towards the heavens for an angelic ride home. Escorted through the door to my room it took all my efforts not to gasp. The room was simply stunning. A magnificent display of luxury met my eyes at every turn as I was shown through this incredible suite. Not only was there an enormous king sized bed with luxurious bedding in the master bedroom, there was also a large and exquisitely appointed lounge and dining room, and an equally opulent bathroom with gold plated taps and the largest bath I had ever seen. I knew what I would be doing later.

Since the wedding party made my dinner arrive late, a bottle of wine accompanied my simple meal. Silk, satin and velvet seemed to be everywhere and the towels were so thick and heavy, it felt as if I could wrap myself up in one and simply fall asleep. A long, luxuriant bath, steam curling round my head, the scent of wildflowers swirling in the steam and I had found a measure of heaven for a time. I finally dragged myself out, wrinkled but so very relaxed that I hardly remembered sliding between the incredible sheets and falling asleep. Thankfully I had requested a wakeup call or I would never been ready in time for the car to take me to the airport. Even paying the excess luggage bill failed to mar the feeling of impersonating Jackie Onassis for a short time.

“We have stories to tell, stories that provide wisdom about the journey of life. What more have we to give one another than our ‘truth’ about our human adventure as honestly and as openly as we know how?”
– Rabbi Saul Rubin

Next Week – Revelations  The final instalment and what it all meant.

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson, 2014

 

In Search Of…Part 23 Switzerland

In Search Of ….Part 22 – Athens and Geneva

In Search Of….Part 21- Back to Tel Aviv

 

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#Dying Tonight

Celtic Goddess Epona… Facebook.com

 

I thought I might die tonight…. it was all such a sudden thing to happen.  One moment life was normal, the next, the knife-edge trembled. It’s the one thing you can never allow to happen, since that knife-edge is so darned sharp – it doesn’t give many second chances.
It doesn’t matter how,  nor even maybe why, except to me. I’m so very tired. Not just the physical aspect of tiredness, but the pain in my heart, in my spirit, which never seems to leave. I’d give anything to get back to that feeling of “normal” – whatever that may be. I’m wondering if it really exists any longer. Just a lack of sleep, I believe! That and a pervasive feeling of unease and loneliness.
I’m so very sorry for such a short and miserable post. I had planned something very different. Hopefully tomorrow when consciousness returns finally. I am planning on sleep, just not when it should happen – very bad of and for me.
Thank you, my dear friends, I pray you understand a human frailty. (I’m a walking accident at present.) I’m not sure I do or forgive myself for it. (There’s the perfectionist at work again!) Stupid damned accidents overtake everything.  No – I didn’t plan the stupidity, I simply stopped looking and there I was, right in the middle of it and scrambling to make things right. Make things right – is there ever such a silly phrase? I was trying to fix things up. I always do – perhaps that’s my penance, I always manage to make it right again.
Something nice for tomorrow – I promise. 🙂  I’m just too frazzled to get there right now, but it has pictures and tantalizing thoughts, all those nice and happy things I want me to be all about. You know – that irrepressible smile, full of promise and laughter. That’s me….. after a few hours of sleep.

Any publishing snafus were the responsibility of a supposed great phone that has proved a dud….. if anyone has any tips for a Samsung Galaxy S5 – short of smashing it to pieces (gleefully tonight) – I would love to hear them.  (or to get Telstra to take it back and give me a different phone which works ALL the time. That’s a hint to any Telstra people who might be able to help a frazzled, sleep deprived, accident prone …hmm)
Blessings from the klutz.

Susan 💖

#DyingTonight

image from artelartlivejournal.com

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of wallpapers-xs.blogspot.com

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Jess C. Scott, The Intern

 In this wonderful life, this often difficult to understand existence we share with the world around us and all its inhabitants, we can be forgiven for wondering what is wonderful about it. It can drive us to distraction and also to the heights of ecstasy, all within the space of moments. It can make us question our reason for being, our reason to stay, and our reason for the apparently innumerable atrocities we are bombarded with daily.

I rarely watch the news broadcasts, the innumerable advertisements, radio broadcasts or read the newspapers. Good news is hard to find in any of these places and the horrors are far too many to count. It is difficult to find the “milk of human kindness” whilst being deluged with the nightmarish ability of some people to perpetuate abominable acts.

Yet, even accepting all of this, I still feel, still believe, that this life is wonderful. We have been gifted with an abundance of beauty, of goodness, kindness and the opportunity to share our happiness, gratitude and kindness with our fellow Spirits, our fellow travellers on life’s road. We have the choice, should we decide to do so, to make a difference in our world, even if it is only in a small way. Even the small acts of kindness and gratitude add up and make a significant difference to others and to our world. Without these simple acts of goodness we would surely be in a dark place.

 

#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of artorifreedom.deviantart.com

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”
Gilda Radner

 

I see the struggle some people have to endure, the hardships and terrors, homelessness and cruelty and I know that our small acts of consideration are immeasurably worthwhile. The “Thank You” to a waiter or shop assistant for serving us with a smile, helping us to find something we want and in doing so, making our day better. They deserve the same acknowledgement. It makes my heart light to return a smile, a “Thank You” and more, to let their superior know that they’ve done a good job. It takes but a small moment and can mean so much.

We can have no idea what is happening in their lives – the hardships or losses which might be lightened, even slightly, by a kind word or gesture. I remember one sad-looking lady, going about her job in the coffee shop, smiling in all the right places, going out of her way to help by bringing someone an extra jug of milk with a smile. A smile tinged with sadness – hiding the loss of someone dear. A gentle touch on her wrist, a connection between our eyes as I thanked her for her kindness and for just a moment, I saw that dark cloud lift, just a little. Letting her boss know how good the service was and seeing her smile again – worth so much to know I may have made a small difference for just a moment. Who knows how important such a moment may be?

These small acts of kindness, or “Random Acts of Kindness” as they have become known, are often as precious as gold or silver. They spread ripples out into the world, growing ever larger and with unknown consequences. I have even heard a story about how one small act of kindness stopped someone from taking their life. They later said it was this small thing which made them decide they would keep trying and then they helped someone else and they found the strength to keep going.

 

#In this Wonderful Life
image courtesy of flickerhivemind.net   Wonderful Life in Nature
“To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.”
Arundhati Roy, The Cost of Living
#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of robsmovievault.wordpress.com

 

We have all seen or heard of the film “Pay it Forward”. A beautiful film which has immortalised on-screen this effect of doing small acts of kindness and how it can grow beyond anything we may imagine. Yet, it is only one side of the coin. We can be selfish, self-centred and consumed by our own wants, ignoring everyone and everything else.

If you watch the daily news, read the daily papers, even the internet, you can be inundated with the horror stories which can destroy any chance of peace of mind. Occasionally it is impossible to ignore the stories of cruelty perpetuated by other people. Children beaten so badly, like a young toddler today that he could not be saved. We can be brought down by these stories, these acts of barbarism to such an extent that we can find no answer to the question of “Why?” Why do these things happen to innocents before they’ve had a chance to explore this wonderful life?

 

#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of 1hdwallpapers.com  Magic is all around us – always.

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

If this question is asked there is usually someone who will say they were angels, not meant to stay here on earth. Yet I find little comfort in this. Even accepting the premise that they chose this life, however brief it was, cannot lift the weight on our hearts at their pain and suffering.

Bad things happen because, at present, good people do not do enough to create enough ripples of kindness to prevent bad things happening. It is a wonderful life. It is filled with wonder and joy, happiness and kindness. We can and do make a difference if we chose to. We don’t need coaching to do this because we already know what to do. Being kind, grateful, generous, are already a part of us. We have to make a conscious choice to follow those beautiful parts of ourselves and we can effect wonderful change around us.

#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of http://www.pinterest.com

When was the last time you smiled at a stranger, or dropped spare change into a buskers cap? When did you last smile at your waitress and genuinely thank her for serving you, thanking her for looking after your needs? When did you thank the lady at the checkout, the baker in the bakery, the butcher for selecting a beautiful cut of meat from the local farm or the stall holder who was selling fresh home-grown vegetables for you to enjoy? There are so many ways we can all make this world a wonderful place, our daily lives a “Wonderful Life”.

 

#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of http://www.care2.com

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP
#In this Wonderful Life

image courtesy of theoldrectorydonard.com

 

So I would ask you – remember to be Mindful, be in the moment, stop to consider how you think and act and remember that one small act of kindness or generosity can indeed be the small seed to save a life or even save the world. In this Wonderful Life we can make magic happen.

 

Blessings, Susan♥

© Susan Jamieson 31 July 2014

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#IAsked

image from imagine.omusilibelula.ro

“You will know who truly loves you when you ask them to do you an unconventional favour.”
Michael Bassey Johnson

 

I asked for help and none was given

I asked once more and received a smile

I asked again and received a puzzled frown

How many times do I ask before I ask no more?

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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“The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors.”
Thomas Jefferson

What a lot of Hokum for We The People.

~~~~~

I had originally decided to do a short blog and call it ‘The Spirit is willing but the flesh is Weak”. Yet the more I thought about it the more I realised it simply was a hoax. Most importantly I was simply fooling myself. It sounds so pathetic to continually say, “It’s been a bad week” or “I’ve had a rough couple of days” or any number of other platitudes.

That’s not to say that they aren’t true, it’s just that I’m tired of using the same statements as if I trot out one after the other when things are… challenging. I’m not sure quite where I am on this sliding spectrum which I use to gauge how well I’m travelling. Truthfully, I’m feeling more than a little sick and tired with being sick and tired and not really knowing if I’m on the right track.

For so long I dragged myself to the doctors and presented the same old symptoms, tiredness, aches in joints and muscles, my motivation slowly drained away as it became more and more difficult to do things. I’m a perfectionist. I’m also a control freak. I like things to be neat and tidy. I can find nothing wrong with being able to tell anyone exactly where to go to find anything they need in my home. At least I could do that a couple of years ago.

There are my detractors who accused me of OCD, but heck, at least I didn’t need to upend my home to locate a letter I need. I revel in my individuality and I don’t expect anyone else to follow suit – each to his own.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from frommylivingroom.blogspot.com                                      Everything in it’s pace and a place for everything.

Then I was told about Lyme disease. It seemed to fit so many of the anomalies in the symptoms I had. The medication protocols are – unpleasant. If Fibromyalgia causes Brain fog then Lyme – its co-infections and the medication to ‘treat’ it definitely increases it exponentially. But I’m no quitter. I’ve gone through the protocols, dragged myself in ever decreasing circles of confusion and despair trying to determine if I’m simply grasping at straws. And I’m still not finished.

I’ve blogged about it because I’ve struggled to find support groups or people who are willing to share information. How odd. Here is a disease the AMA refuse to accept is in Australia, penalise doctors who treat it and we cannot find anyone to give us recommendations to people who are helping the ‘sufferers’. Those who find these people, usually friends, or friends or friends, keep that information to themselves. Why? Is getting well to be a hoarded treasure? Bygone days of the privileged living and the disadvantaged fading away unnoticed.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from alternews.com –      Where did the floor come from?

I’m not simply tired, I’m exhausted. My arms scream at me in pain for typing, but this is my only outside contact. It’s lonely not being able to see or speak with people. One more day of crawling up the hallway is making me shake uncontrollably. Is this Lyme disease, Bartonella or Babesiosis or some other confounded co-infection I’ve yet to be advised of; or is it Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS or one of its familiars?

I was feeling blah this morning. I had several appointments and I’d had a rough night. In fact I crawled up to the bathroom and cried for about an hour. I’m not giving in, but where the hell do I go?  How do I persuade my GP to look at my symptoms differently – not simply hand out stronger pain meds that leave me FOGGY!!!

To be able to think is such a gift. To know you are making sense and perhaps helping someone who needs to read this… that is my impetus for continuing. I have no answers, just a zillion questions. I want answers because I feel the medical establishment owe us that much – and then decent treatment. I have a right to a quality of life that is good enough to let me do what I’d like without crippling me. There is no need for it. If the damned doctors and insurance companies had done their due diligence when I had my accident, my simple accident, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now. I truly believe so. I wish I could sue the bejaysus out of them.

For the first time today, I ‘listened’ to someone who had always presented a positive push for the treatments they were given, the illness that accompanied them and was able to do so many physical activities I dream of doing’. Today I listened to them bemoaning their shuffling gait to reach the beach, crying because of the brain fog, the inability to raise your head from wherever it lays, and not be able to DO anything.  I admire this person, but here they are, for the first time in my space.

I want to offer advice but I am unable since no-one shared advice with me, I have none to offer except to say, I understand, I am there still, drowning in this misery but determined not to let it win.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from http://www.bannerhealth.com                                   I’m right here, You are not Alone!

I am going to search for these mysterious support forums and try to find out if these diseases have the same symptoms or not and what works for them. I have a few answers from dear people today. Yoga terrifies me because the pain is well established but I’ll try. I may not have  an answer, but by heavens, I will control my environment as much as I can so I can enjoy, to the fullest extent, the life I have been handed. I will also pass on any information I uncover – as a reference only, to be talked over with your doctors so that perhaps, in the fullness of time, we can beat these blasted torturous diseases. Such is my hope. Such is my prayer for all of us.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from childrensbookshop.circlesoft.net         Here come the answers!

As human beings, as Spirits having a human existence we search for answers. This is a prime directive so that we can learn. There is “a strange new world” out there, “new life and new civilisations” and, even more important, “The Truth is Out There”.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from aliens.wikia.com

What more could we ask for?  Who was right, Spock or Kirk?  Does “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few” or Does “The good of the one outweigh the good of the many?

We all deserve a better future.

Blessings, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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We The People

Imperfectly Perfect

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#Imperfectly perfect

Heavy orchid spray                      I love my orchids

Imperfectly Perfect
“Excellence is the Result of Caring more than others think is Wise, Risking more than others think is Safe, Dreaming more than others think is Practical, and Expecting more than others think is Possible.”
Ronnie Oldham
 ~

Doing anything half-heartedly gains you very little except dissatisfaction with life, and the reason is very simple; it is because you are settling for second best. There are hundreds, if not thousands of quotations, some by the rich and famous and some who would like to be. What they all have in common is to tell you what you should do to reach the top, whatever the top happens to be for you.

It seems difficult for me to acknowledge that today is Friday, that the ‘end’ of the week is almost here. When I sat down to type I suddenly wondered where the week had flown and what I had achieved during that time to make it appear to have vanished. An entire five days vanished almost without me being aware of it.

#Imperfectly Perfect

image from anndr.deviantart.com                 In your imagination anything is possible

Of course I could make excuses and blame something or nothing for the ‘loss of time’, yet the sad fact is, I don’t have a good reason. What I think may be of even more concern, is the fact that I don’t feel that I’m on my own with this. Would you say I was being “Mindful” or that I was “Being present” in everything I had done?

Strangely enough the answer is yes. I complete my Gratitude Journal every morning, refresh my Affirmations and send my healing to those I know and those I don’t. I complete my Life Change 90 program each day, all reminders of times passing and making the best use of it for myself and others. And of course, I write. When I have completed my morning ritual I think about writing and I write, whatever it is that has made an impact on me or whatever ‘comes’ to me.

#Imperfectly Perfect

image from aniisah.wordpress.com –   Time where does it go?

Today, time was concerning me. The fact that I felt I was losing time… great chunks of time which I couldn’t really account for. Was my mind taking a siesta? Were my subconscious busy planning things for me to do in the future? I’m not sure and that lack of surety has made me feel uncomfortable. Have I been losing time that I haven’t been aware of? That is a truly scary thought.

Thoughts of Alzheimer’s, blackouts, seizures, or other malady which have no name, just visceral fears, ran amok through my mind. The fear of losing one’s faculties is a great one since there is usually little chance of coming back from such a problem. “Accepting what is”, as I have read previously, would simply not be something I could comfortably acquiesce to.

#Imperfectly Perfect

image from http://www.josephinewallart.co.uk       Bubbles of time floating away

I have to add this little incident which occurred moments ago. My husband told me he had a rather unpleasant headache, something which is unusual for him. However he is off in his little den with computer, doing heaven only knows what.  Since there was silence in the house I called out to him – and since he is concerned about my welfare he came to see that I was alright. Checking on his ‘timetable’ to the days close I asked him if he had taken his little blue headache tablets. He replied in the negative. He had become caught up in whatever he was doing and his headache was still thumping away, something I can validate only too easily. In a mock stern voice I said, “Well, you’d better take some immediately, and I mean that with the utmost infection!”  Infection? The moment the word escaped my lips I knew it was wrong and he fell into gales of laughter. Charming! It is said that laughter is the best medicine, but take it from one who had some dreadful headaches, laughing with a headache is to be avoided. At least for me it is.

#Imperfectly Perfect

Pre Lyme meds

Taking the humour from the situation, I ask myself where my mind was. What was I thinking about? Was I thinking? Was I being courteous, mindful and present with my husband? I was thinking about him, his headache, and his little pills and hoping he would be finished soon, so he could rest. So what caused the slip?

Truthfully, it is a little unnerving, a little frightening, and preys on my mind. I can blame ill-health, the brain fog, the medication, but is it? Is that the cause of these slip ups and loss of time? I believe there is nothing serious wrong, but it remains an unanswered question.

I question whether I have the right diagnosis since I feel no better after nine months of treatment than before, in fact I feel worse, much worse. New horrors are affecting my mind, my stability, feeling as though my spine will fall apart like a domino stack at any moment, cracks and creaks and severe muscle and joint aches. All these should surely be getting better by now – or at least some of them?

#Imperfectly Perfect

image from gardeningwithconfidence.com     Because beauty hides the pain

Today I looked at some photos taken just two years ago, just after we became engaged. Happy days! I have some photos taken just a couple of weeks before my Lyme diagnosis and all the medication I began taking. In both instances I looked happy, full of life and energy, and slim and smart. I know people say being slim is not a benchmark for how your life is and “If you’re fat, you’re fat – accept it”.  No way! Not this little black duck. If I had been overweight previously I could say it was a fair comment. The only difference is the medication and my worsening physical state.

So I’m left with a conundrum and many questions. Perhaps that is the reason for the slip. I hope if any of my ‘fellow Lyme sufferers” or the “Fibromites”,  or fellow bloggers I have come to know, have any insights, suggestions, or anything to calm overwrought nerves, I would be more than simply grateful. In fact, if anyone has any words of advice to offer I would listen since I know that solutions come from many strange and otherwise discounted places.

#Imperfectly Perfect

Orchids, always Perfect

I know I am “Imperfectly Perfect. I might also be “Perfectly Imperfect” and that is how it should be. I am who and what I am. I care, for the people I have come to know, their hopes, their dreams, their problems and hurts. You, my readers, have become dear friends and I trust my dear friends to tell me the truth, their truth as they see it. From there it is my responsibility to find my truth.

That, to me is what a community is all about. It is, I hope, what our WordPress community has become. I have been welcomed, in my idiosyncrasies and that is a great gift, one I willingly reciprocate because friendship is a great gift.

I can live with “Imperfectly Perfect” since I accept I am a “work in progress. We all are.

#Imperfectly Perfect

My Dancing Lady Orchid.

“When science discovers the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to find they are not it.”  ~Bernard Baily

When the world seems full of imperfections, and answers are hard to find, there is a perfection in Orchids which soothes my heart, my mind and my soul.

Blessings,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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#My Husband, # My Lover, # My Friend

Ray and I on our wedding day May 11, 2011

“This is what our love is––a sacred pattern of unbroken unity sewn flawlessly invisible inside all other images, thoughts, smells, and sounds.”   Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams
My Husband, My Lover, My Friend

It’s been a rough week here and although I’ve tried to play it down, inside my head and in my posts, there have been times when the thought of simply ‘giving up’ wasn’t far away.  It’s very difficult to remain positive when you wake up and the moment of consciousness brings the awful knowledge that your entire body is screaming in agony.

It’s becoming a real nightmare, a waking nightmare and this morning was the worst to date. Let me explain, although it’s really hard for me to write this. I cannot move my legs, body, head or shoulders. I am fortunate that my hands and lower arms appear to be okay. I wake up feeling as though I’m in a roasting oven, on well done!  I cannot push the covers off and I cannot get out of bed, (I can’t move).

#My Husband, # My Lover, # My Friend

image from autobio-blogs.plazilla.com

I’ve tried everything I can think of to get out of bed without waking my husband, especially as sometimes I wake really early and I’m ruining his rest. He needs it, he has to look after someone who is cranky because she can’t do the things she has previously done alone and I’m not in the right head space to “give in gracefully” and acknowledge that for the moment, this has to be my reality.

#My Huasband, # My Lover,#  My Friend

image from http://www.123rf.com Is this what is coming?

So let’s go back to this morning. I had a magnificent sleep, six hours of deep sleep. It’s a shame it was drug enhanced but I can’t fight that any longer either. But, I heard Ray get up and that was enough to wake me.  It was a world of hurt and I had no idea what to do. My entire body was locked in this agonising position and I had to move. I simply had to.

From a mental angle it is full on despair, a waking nightmare I cannot banish. Giving in is against my entire world view. I have always stood my ground, but that has become a joke since I cannot stand. Not first thing in the morning.

The first challenge is getting upright and Ray has to hold my hands and when I say “Pull” he has to pull me upright quickly. This morning I screamed as he did this.  (Going slowly is more painful.) Ray has to slowly pull each leg around until I can reach the floor and then once again, pull me to my feet. He has to make sure I don’t fall backward or forwards or I’ll be on the floor. I’ve mentioned the ‘damned stairs’ before but this morning they almost defeated me. But he wouldn’t let go, nor would he give in and we painfully made our way along the corridor.

#My Husband, #My Lover, #My Friend

image from owlsandorchids.com       Is this all that’s left?

It has brought home the simple dignity chronically ill people suffer which is taken by others as something they just have to get used to. I wonder if, in the same position, they would find it so easy or welcome! Well, we made the journey, back to bed and sitting back brought another stifled scream. (I have some pride left). It was not going to be an easy day. I swore I wouldn’t take the tablets but I was afraid, seriously afraid I might have to call the ambulance.  Maybe it’s the meds but that’s tantamount to throwing in the towel and I’d rather the unthinkable than that.

So, doped up and basically incoherent I remained in a land somewhere between reality and who knows? I do know that after Ray had left I felt someone sitting down and then a cuddling into my legs, but that’s another story.

We decided on a bath, detoxing again, but with added special things Ray thought up. He helped me to the main bathroom, (when we build I’m having a bath in the en suite!) and the most beautiful sight met my eyes. My special bath salts, lavender-scented had been liberally placed in the bath, extra Epsom salts, my coconut body wash, coconut scented body cream, candles, my bath pillow and my iPod. I could have cried. It was exquisite – and I forget to get a photo so this will have to do…

How can something so wonderful be so painful? Getting in and lying back caused another loud groan, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me. (Note to self – larger bath needed in our en suite). It was hot, as it needed to be and as I felt the warmth slowly seeping into my body, I felt a wonderful feeling enveloping me. I got my iPod and some meditation music and I was left in peaceful silence.

I came back to myself as the water lost its heat but over an hour had passed and I was a wrinkled prune – almost. Helped out and dried off and then the final surprise, the beautiful coconut butter lotion… He carefully and slowly rubbed it in from my toes to my neck and down my back. I had the most incredible massage of my back. His magical fingers caressed the painful knots and tender spots and relaxed the rest of my back. I was covered from head to toe with lotion and I felt amazing. Every muscle had turned to jelly.

Helping me dress and back upstairs we had a beautiful cup of tea.

I realised how lucky I was. I found in one inexplicable gift from the Universe, my soul mate who is my husband, my lover and my best friend. The pain notwithstanding, I realise I’m so darned lucky. To be loved and accepted by such a wonderful man, someone who not only stands by me, but helps me through my nightmare is a rare blessing. I don’t make it easy on him at times and my guilt becomes another torment. I feel stuck in this limbo, yet supported by a magical earth angel.

What more can I say? Love is beautiful and found in unexpected place and at unusual times. Enjoy it anytime you can.

#My Husband, #My Lover, #My Friend

image from 2guysphoto.wordpress.com

I feel my love flowing to all my friends out here, and to all the people everywhere. Love will eventually change our world. It is too great to ignore forever.

Blessings and love to all.

Susan x

© Susan Jamieson  2014

~

For the Love of My Life and for the Love of Your Lives, whoever they may be.

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#Today

image from lionhearteagle.blogspot.com –

“Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today

Today I gave in. For one brief moment which lasted an eternity I gave in. My body keeps going but my mind, that part which recognises the pain and despair; it had decided it had more than enough.  It said, “No More, Enough is Enough”.

Am I a quitter, I asked myself? I always thought I was strong and capable. I believed I could handle anything. I’ve heard of worse things than people should ever be expected to go through and felt their pain as I listened. I’ve seen some horrors I never thought I’d see and dealt with them as I needed to. I blindly walked through the path of domestic violence because I refused to believe it was happening to me.  I handled what was put before me and came through scarred but still me.

How do you explain to someone that, you thought that, being married meant “supporting your husband” and that everything he said you “had to do”, you had no choice in? I’ve carried bricks like a brickies labourer, carted cement like a concreter’s labourer. I’ve carried and rolled thousands of square metres of turf, barrowed topsoil and leveled it, built walls, sawn and carried timber and a hundred other things because, that’s what being married was all about. Doing things together and supporting your husband. It meant I was a slave to someone’s “ownership of me”.  Until the day my eyes were opened and I finally had enough and left.

#Today

image from facebook.com

What caused my back problems?

Yes, I’ve had two ‘minor’ car accidents and according to the ‘experts’ I had two “minor” whiplash episodes. They were so minor they refused to accept how much pain I had nor would they perform an x-ray. For years they refused until one day they relented, just to shut me up. Too damned late then and being proven right didn’t help at all.

Is it irony to acknowledge that in the beginning I was young and fit? Is it irony to say that because I went to the gym regularly, not only for fitness but as a stress release, that I damaged my body by doing too much exercise?  Is it irony to now say that my condition is age related? Are there any more excuses they can think up?

I believed, for one brief interlude, that being diagnosed with Lyme disease might answer all the questions, and eventually see me well. Now, since Lyme disease does not exist in Australia, (so say the powers that be), and my doctor, who specialised in infectious diseases, is actually registered only as a General Practitioner. He made a video announcing his treatment of his Lyme disease patients which caught the eyes of the Medical Association. Well, now he is restricted (banned) from treating anyone diagnosed with Lyme disease. They must be referred to someone else for treatment. Excuse me, treatment? How can they do that if they deny it exists in Australia? How much irony can one body take?

#Today

image from http://www.josephine wallart.co.uk

In one sense it doesn’t matter whether it is irony or not. No longer can the facts be argued. But what can never be ignored is the fact that they now say there is nothing they can do except load me with pain killers which rob me of the ability to think or act as the person I really am.

This morning I had reached the end of the road. At the moment of waking, a screaming throughout my body, of the pain of lying still, of having the chain mail weight of a light sheet and blanket over me was too much. Having to plead with my husband to PULL me quickly upright instead of gently brought an anguished scream from me.  Enough I thought, I’ve had enough.

But the end was too far away. If I didn’t want to soil myself I had to reach the bathroom. No dignity here.  Each painful slide of a foot forward speared pain up through every part of my body and into my brain. Two damned, bloody steps up that I loathe more deeply each day and then fifty agonising steps to the bathroom later, there is more pain. By the time I reach the vanity basin to wash my hands, I would breathe a sigh of relief, but I tried that once and it hurts too much. So I just think it instead.

The retracing of my journey is the same except going down those two damned stairs becomes a farce. ‘Enough’ my mind screams at me. ‘Enough’ I say! I would cry, but self-pity is useless and apart from that, crying is too damned painful. More irony!

I want an end to this. I want to be able to walk again, just like I used to. I want to be able to laugh and smile and not know that it is just a cover for how I really feel. I want to not feel that I’m an ingrate for complaining when so many are worse off than I.  I have too much to be grateful for.

I have a husband I love more than I would have believed possible. I have two wonderful children who have become incredible adults. I have a roof over my head. I have a beautiful ocean to see from my deck (if I can get there) and I have my beautiful orchids which are flowering again. I also have ‘my’ owl who visits me even here. I have too many things to be grateful for and no right to talk about giving up. I am reminded daily of how many wonderful things I have in my life to be grateful for. I have a journal I complete daily to remind me, if I should forget. I am grateful.

Today, I have had enough. Today this is too much to handle. Today I want an end to this. Today I want an end – not in some unknown future but now. Now. Today.

In the event that anyone needs an explanation; the beautiful pictures from Josephine Wall Art are to symbolise that I recognise that even in the midst of a shitty and awful day, I know that beauty and Spirit exists. It is there to help me to grasp that reality and find an even footing to go forward with. I hope it may help some of you also.

Today is almost over and tomorrow, my new today will be better, if only because I have coping mechanisms in place to haul me out of those depths before I drown. This is my fervent hope.

There are those who will understand my words, inexpertly written as they are, yet this is not for them alone. It is for everyone who decides to read it.

To those I say:

Blessings always,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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Right Timing

image from nicpicxa.blogspot.com –

“Right time, right place, right people equals success.
Wrong time, wrong place, wrong people equals most of the real human history.”
Idries Shah, Reflections
Right Timing

There are few things more irritating than a schedule which doesn’t turn out as planned.  Think about it for a moment. You spend ages working everything out down to the smallest detail so that everything is planned, everything gets done and then suddenly one small thing crops up and the entire schedule is totally thrown out the window! The right timing is out with the trash!

That’s what happened to my week. In fact it began before the

Right Timing

image from yogatothepeople.com   A retreat for the soul.

week even got started. To go to the beginning of the sequence we have to move back a few weeks to set the scene.  There was a retreat planned and I very much wanted to go on it. In fact I had been waiting for a retreat such as this, by this person for quite a long time, but circumstances kept popping up to prevent it.

When such things happen they immediately make me stop and wonder why. Why am I being ‘prevented’ from attending such an event, which would definitely bring something to the table for me?  Being intuitively aware of what is happening and why, is a great gift, one which is not usually understood by most people. However, to me it was a clear sign from Spirit that it wasn’t the right time for me to do ‘this ‘ course or that ‘this’ course was not the right one for me  to do. Of course knowing this does not make the prevention any less irritating..

So, I see the updates about the retreat and I’m sitting here missing it.  One of the major reasons I ‘decided’ it wasn’t practical was due to the medication regimen I have been on which has severely screwed up my system. All thanks to the Lyme disease. Anyone who does a Spiritual retreat knows the importance of ensuring you, personally, are in the best shape you can be, to facilitate the changes such an event brings about. You don’t want to interact with Spirit if you are dosed up with vile medication and feel awful; it simply doesn’t work that way.

Over the first weekend I was coming off most of the prescribed meds and was having a fairly torrid time of things. I couldn’t get to sleep at night and when I crashed I couldn’t get going until nearly midday. That’s not going to work at any weekend event. However knowing that didn’t make me any less upset either. All weekend I thought about it and how good it would be and how much I wanted to be there. I truly believe I made myself more ill because of it. A lesson taught to make me pay heed of the signs.

I’d made a promise to myself that I would get the GST spreadsheet

Right Timing

image from http://www.concur.com Spreadsheets made to look easy!

done and thus far hadn’t managed it due to my reaction to medication. I seem to react badly to everything at present.  Perhaps that’s another hint that I need to stop fighting the process and let it take its course. Anyway, I’ve struggled with it for seven months and it’s been miserable, but that’s what happens sometimes.

I had barely had any sleep Sunday night and yet Monday morning I woke up as if I needed to be somewhere in a hurry. Yes – at my desk and doing the GST. I was groggy but alert enough to do that, it’s only entering information anyway. Right Timing at work.

Tuesday was preparing the blogs for Wednesday, my ‘In Search of” series

Right Timing

image from followpics.net “In Search of”…… Right Timing

which is proving to be very distracting as I sink further into my time away and what happened.  So I’m now beginning to wonder what is in my memories of the trip which I need to know now. It must be important or I wouldn’t be reliving it in minute details. I haven’t found out yet, so it must be something which happens later or I haven’t picked up on it.  Irritating isn’t the word.

Wednesday was total wipe-out day. Even with catching the break and having, in effect, an extra hour in Queensland since they don’t have daylight saving but New South Wales, where I live, does, didn’t make any difference. Doctors seem to have a timetable which runs anything but according to schedule. My trip to the doctor, for which I allowed an extra half an hour was out by an hour. It made everything run late. By the time we had finished all our tasks up there and managed to finally get something to eat, we were travelling home in the dark.Right Timing, I think not!

Right Timing

image from goddessink.wordpress.com Chronic Pain hits everywhere.

Let me explain. With my immune system being down, thanks to the medication, it also affects my energy levels. I was pushing through to get everything done and did, but there was a price to be paid. I have paid, every day since, with pain, gastric upsets and horrendous migraines. Such is life.

On Thursday I woke up after a very short sleep again and this time felt as though I’d been tenderised by a meat mallet. Not good at all. I felt as though I was dragging a ten tonne weight around with me. This of course makes me as cranky as a grizzly bear with a sore tooth. Not a good scenario for being at a retreat or for my husband for that matter.  The new medication my GP has put me on is affecting my special coordination. In fact, it’s making my fingers work faster than my brain appears to be coordinating my typing needs. It is more than very annoying. I seem dyslexic at times.

So I struggled through Thursday without killing myself or the computer. Do you know what happens when you’re fingers do the walking? It stuffs up the computer and it takes hours to fix it

Right Timing

image from http://www.tumblr.com What I’d like to do to that computer!

up. Apart from which, I had to download some material, which I did, but I don’t have iTunes on my laptop so they went into Windows media. I can’t download the wretched things (mp3) to any other device.  Don’t you love Apple? Damned perverted extension files.

So all one nights work for nothing, it’s on the computer but I can’t physically transport it on a device to listen to it. BAH! Now to the end of the week and the lesson.

This morning I woke up in so much pain, I seriously considered calling for an ambulance. Not letting Ray take me there but calling an ambulance because the pain was so intense. The pain

Richt Timing

image from psychicandastrology.psychicguild.com

came in great heaving waves, with medication and Reiki settling down to a dull roar, but rearing its ugly head every so often to let me know it was waiting. I’m sitting here typing because I misunderstood simple English today and didn’t get this done earlier, but also because I’m still riding the waves of pain.

So what was my lesson you are wondering? Beautifully simple really – it was not the right time or the right retreat for me to go on since I had more healing to do and that takes precedence. Why is that? Because working with spirit takes a lot of energy and in my compromised situation it would not be good for me – or them.

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”
David G. Allen

Second lesson: Patience. All my life I’ve been in a hurry and they have tried to slow me down and

Rightn Timing

image from tonoikaipnevmata.wordpress.com

only been successful when I’ve been completely out of commission. So this is what they’ve done, made sure I cannot do anything.

There will be other retreats, other courses, other times, because I know this is the case. I will have the right course with the right instructor at the right time for me. That’s the way everything works. Spirit’s schedule trumps mine each and every time. There is no point being grumpy or ill-tempered, even with myself, because I have to go with the flow.  And as everyone knows going with the flow makes life so easy. So just go with the flow and believe in Right Timing.

Right Timing

image from pics33.blogspot.com   Right Timing is Essential

“Most of what makes a book ‘good’ is that we are reading it at the right moment for us.”
Alain de Botton

May your week be filled with ‘Right Timing’ so that your days and week feel relaxed and peaceful.

Blessings,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson,2013

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