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Posts Tagged ‘Mother’

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What’s the matter with her? [Jasper] asked Griffin.
Griffin shook his head. ‘Nothing. She’s just two personas struggling for dominance in one body.’
[Jasper] … Poor little thing.”   ― Kady Cross, The Girl in the Steel Corset

In many ways it may be difficult to imagine having so many personalities all wrapped up and active inside one body. So here is a little example of the type of changes you might recognise.

6am       Wake up – ‘The Wife’ is getting herself ready for the day ahead as she chats to her husband.

7am        Breakfast – ‘The Mother’ Time to wake the children (if they aren’t already awake), and get them  organised for breakfast, shower, dress for school. ‘The Wife’, still around as she gets her husband off to work.

8am        In the car – ‘The Taxi Driver’  as ‘The Mother’ takes the children to school.

8.30am  ‘The Mother’ becomes ‘The Taxi Driver’ as she leaves the children and the ‘The Kamikaze Driver’ as she hurries to et to work.

9am        ‘The Secretary’, subservient to her boss and on top of her game in the office. ‘The Office Organiser’ pops out from time to time to arrange matters in the office.

12noon    ‘The Secretary’ leaves for lunch and ‘The Tyrant’ demands better service from the deli worker. ‘The Aggressive Bully’ appears as she talks to the customer service personnel when she feels she isn’t being served well. ‘The Inner Child’ appears when she realises she may be late back at work and is worried her boss may be upset.

1pm         ‘The Secretary’ seamlessly takes her seat, assisted by ‘The Office Organiser’, with a short breakout for ‘The Wife’ when she talks briefly with her husband, followed by ‘The Mother‘ when she calls to check her children have been collected from school before returning to ‘The Secretary‘ to complete her work day.

5pm       ‘The Secretary’ leaves work and becomes ‘The Kamikaze Driver‘ as she tries to get home as quickly as possible, stopping en route to collect her children, becoming ‘The Mother’ followed by ‘The Taxi Driver’ as she ferries the children home. Once home ‘The Mother’ takes over again.

6pm       ‘The Mother’ is fixing dinner as her husband arrives. ‘The Wife’ greets him and thereafter ‘The Mother’ and ‘The Wife‘ play tag team until the children are in bed and husband and wife are alone.

9pm      ‘The Wife’ and her husband enjoy some couples time before she decides to have a long hot soak.

10.30pm  ‘The Integrated Woman’ enjoys a long hot soak, surrounded by candles, soft music, oil scented bath water and heavenly peace and quiet.

11pm      After her bath ‘The Wife’ goes to bed and becomes ‘The Lover’ and ‘The Seductress’ with her husband before she falls asleep to dream her dreams.

image from http://www.scenicreflections.com        Representation of ‘The Three Faces of Eve’

“It all made sense — terrible sense. The panic she had experienced in the warehouse district because of not knowing what had happened had been superseded at the newsstand by the even greater panic of partial knowledge. And now the torment of partly knowing had yielded to the infinitely greater terror of knowing precisely”
Flora Rheta Schreiber, Sybil: The Classic True Story of a Woman Possessed by Sixteen Personalities

This is a very simplistic example of sub personalities at work. They are so subtle at times, so obvious, that we don’t realise that they are sub personalities at work. In fact most of us take it for granted that it is simply a part of our one persona.

Voice Dialogue, as taught by Hal and Sidra Stone, teaches therapists how to speak to these sub personalities during a Dialogue session.  The theory in Voice Dialogue is that only by becoming fully integrated with all your sub personalities are we able to utilise the strengths these sub personalities can provide.

An immediate example can be seen when the recent horror of the soldier killed in the UK. People rushed to protect the fallen soldier. “The Protectors’ had all come to the fore. The lady who confronted the armed man, ‘The Amazon’, strong, unafraid (in that instant) and able to stand her ground.  Those who comforted the soldier, ‘The Carers’ who only sought to give aid and comfort in his final moments. The police who captured those responsible, ‘The Enforcers’.

NB. Use of this sad and horrific example is not aimed at causing further grief, hurt or diminishing the horror of what occurred. No offense is intended to the family or anyone associated with the incident. My heartfelt condolences and prayers are with the family and those affected by this event.

Blessings   Susan x

Next I will explore the atypical day for a man in this scenario.

 

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Mum 1980

Mum 1980

There are many ways of looking at anniversaries, but the first has to be the type of anniversary which is occupying your mind.  The best, of course, are the happy ones, the birthdays, weddings, births, graduations, when you met THE ONE, special holidays and holiday travels. In fact there can be so many highlights in our lives which can become anniversaries.  Strictly speaking an anniversary is defined thus:-

anniversary is a day that commemorates or celebrates a past event that occurred on the same day of the year as the initial event. For example, the first event is the initial occurrence or, if planned, the inaugural of the event. One year later would be the first anniversary of that event.

Today I am deep in remembrance of an anniversary which, in itself is not as happy as the others I mentioned. It hardly seems believable that today marks the fifth anniversary of my mothers passing. I’m beginning to wonder if time stands still at times, since I recall this anniversary as an event which happened only yesterday. It is however the first time I have publicly acknowledged it. My normal practise is to withdraw for silent communion with a lady I revered above all others. A lady who was not only my mother but my best friend, the person I would turn to first and foremost to share the joys and sadness which populated my life. We were as close as sisters and I loved that special bond. So close in so many ways.

She was stunning, breathtakingly beautiful, and to me, wise beyond anything I could have imagined. I hoped to emulate her example as I became older and have to trust I honour that. She was a small lady, barely 5′ tall, yet she had a presence which made her seem much taller, imposing is the word I would use. She had the most amazing deep auburn hair which shone like a molten coppery gold. I wished every day to have her hair, and those beautiful curls, rather than my straight and black brown hair. Still, my beautiful daughter has inherited those incredible auburn locks, despite the pain they caused her as a child, being called ” carrot top” or worse still “Red”.

Mum and Dad 1977

Mum and Dad 1977

My mother, Patricia, was petite in every way. On her death I inherited much of her jewellery.  Her fingers were so small I am unable to wear any of the rings, not even on my little finger!  That, for me at least, epitomised her, small  and petite but she had a strength of will which placed her amongst giants.

Unfortunately she was ill for many years. The day my son was born in 1982 she collapsed in Brisbane and shortly thereafter was told she had inoperable emphysema and chronic asthma. It was heartbreaking to receive such glorious news of her first grandchild and the sentence of a slow death at the same time.

It was her indomitable will which refused to allow her health to dominate her life until much later. She saw her only granddaughter born two years later in 1984. She often said they were the most precious treasures in her life, and she and Dad spoilt them as much as they could. As their only grandchildren they were spoilt, but not overly so, and they adored their grandparents in return.

It is ironic how the future turns out. The family was as prepared as you can be in these situations, but we were all shocked when Dad suddenly learned he was ill. Terminally ill. He  passed away in 1997 and left her bereft at his loss. We all were, since Dad had been Mum’s rock for so many years. Despite  knowing how strong-willed she was, her health deteriorating, I prepared myself for the worst.

It is a terrible thing for someone with an active and clever mind to be confined physically as she was, yet aware daily of what was happening to her. The frustration and humiliation, for her at least, were a constant raw wound to her pride. To me she always looked beautiful, but when her health stopped her from being able to care for herself the way she liked she withdrew more and more. Her enjoyment came from her grandchildren, her craftwork, which we shared and the long, daily conversations we had in between visits.

Graceful and always ready with a smile.

Graceful and always ready with a smile.

During the last six months of her life I was privileged  to care for her so that she could remain in her own home as long as possible. She had a horror of dying in hospital, alone without her family. This stemmed back to her own mother who did pass away in hospital shortly after Mum had left for the night.

We talked more than ever before, and as much as her failing lungs would allow. We had one last Christmas together in 2007 before she finally went into hospital, another hard decision in February 2008. The next two weeks are indelibly etched in my memory. The hospital called earlier each day, until I was being called at 4.30 am because she was calling for me. I thanked the “higher powers” that my children were teenagers who understood and willingly worked around this so that I could be there for their grandmother.

I tried to get her to eat, bathed her and got her into her fresh nightgown, and made sure she got the only medication they could give her to ease things – morphine!  How she hated that, but at least it enabled her to rest peacefully. It was heartbreaking watching my beautiful mother slowly lose that will to live, to finally simply want an end to the torment. Still she fought it every step of the way.

The Administrator for the hospice was kind and gentle, yet even so Mum didn’t want to go. She decided it meant it was the end and the day of the transfer has been carved in memory as one of the worst I can remember. It was hot and she hated the heat. It was crowded and noisy, which bothered her then. The warder wanted her to lie down which made her breathing worse, so that was another problem. The short transfer from the P.A.to Mt. Olivet seemed to take hours. Once there I bathed her and settled her in a fresh nightgown. She curled up like a child in her bed.

My brothers all came for a brief visit. I think I was the only one who realised we were saying goodbye. I wasn’t ready to leave , although it was much later than usual. Bombarded with urgings and cajoling from my three brothers I finally left, intending to have a quick shower to freshen up and return. As I walked through the door the phone was ringing.

My darling mother had passed away as I was driving home .

I knew how much she hated the sombreness of funerals so I arranged a white casket to be covered with her favourite flowers,  yellow roses and red carnations.

So, one stage of her life was finally over and, as a soul in a human body she is now enjoying the next stage if her life, pain-free, able to run and dance and move freely once more. I rejoice in her freedom again and know that missing her is a normal reaction, yet I am disappointed that believing as I do I still grieve. I grieve for myself, my loss and somehow that feels selfish.

I wish my mother an eternity of happiness and joy, free to dance and sing as she wanted. I believe that one day I will be able to talk to her again and I long for that day.

So today I will look through my albums and with a heart overflowing with love, remember a wonderful lady who was my mother, a woman who taught me so many things, and be eternally grateful that she is free and happy once more as I lay flowers on her physical resting place.

This is for you Mum. Thank you for making my life so wonderful.

image from MATTCLARK_01’s media

Ever your loving daughter, Susan xxxxxx

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