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“Dreaming is a world where wishes do not exist ; because dreaming is a world where our wishes are fulfilled just by the fact of imagining them so.”
― Yannick Heywang

dreams

image courtesy of 123glitter.com
As you may know I’ve been having a series of procedures on my back and neck to try to alleviate  the pain I’ve had almost constantly since a  car accident back in November 2000. It’s been a long haul and at times has driven me to the brink of despair.  A simple whiplash injury, which should by all,accounts have been repaired and a distant memory years ago.  Obviously this has not happened or I wouldn’t have been having the nerves in my lower back and neck ‘fried’ over the past two weeks.

I thought we had managed to sort out the kinks in the system last week, however it appears ‘Murphy’s Law” had not yet finished with me! As a rule   the special “RF” machine does not come to the Gold Coast on Mondays.  It needs to be booked to get it down here.  OK I get that. I made the bookings as per the referrals and went through the process of psyching myself up for the procedure. The machine did not arrive – it had not been ordered. Reschedule for Tuesday, another day to  ponder the advisability of what I was doing. I was reassured it would work out fine, but you never know.

Last week, although gruesomely painful,  endured with a stiff upper lip and much “praying of sorts”  went very well and except for the soft tissue bruising (6 inch needles look enormous and feel as though they’re going right through you!).  My wonderful husband nursed and cosseted me and I felt as good as I possibly could. I am delighted to report  that the pain associated with the spine has gone, and once the soft tissue has settled down I will feel like dancing! Well almost.

happy smiling wife

image courtesy of happymom.info

Back to the supposedly a scheduled appointment yesterday. It didn’t happen because the machine doesn’t ever come down on Monday!  Whoopee, another day to ponder the procedure.  Frustrated, but stymied as to what else I could do, I waited for my rescheduled appointment.  I wasn’t about to a have the darned thing spread over a number of days, I wanted it over and done with.  Of course, the hour delay didn’t help with my sanguine attitude. I did try though.

The needles are smaller than those for the back, an assumption since I didn’t see them. The anaesthetic  felt just the same and if anything more painful. How did that happen?  I must have a small streak of crazy running through my programming  because I thought it was not only weird but rather hilarious that when they sent the electrical charge along the ‘element’ to check they had the right spot, the absolutely right spot, the jangled nerves affected went to places I hadn’t thought of. One in  the base of my neck, the most painful  one, had the nerves jumping in my skull,  my arm right to the fingertips, down my back and into my hip and even into my and down my leg!  I was astonished, but with my focus on trying to breathe  and not swear blue murder (I really did ” my share” of “my kind” of praying)  I noted  the sensations and kept breathing.

I have no idea why, but when it was all finished and they were helping me to sit up, not only was I a partially deaf (it passes) and being as dizzy as a wheel (it passes), I suddenly found I had a fit of the giggles. Whether it was relief or something else I have no idea, but inappropriate or not, I just found  bouts of giggles erupting. I guess it’s better than crying and certainly made the doctor and his assistant smile.  I’m good with this.   After thirteen years of increasing pain it felt good to be numb! If that seems strange then so be it.

laughing girl

image courtesy of howtoattractagirl.org
You see I have been asking and praying for a remedy to this debilitating pain for years. It has stopped me from being active and at times made life sheer misery, not only for me, but for all those sound me.  Guilt is a strong motivator. I wanted to be fit and healthy, as healthy and fit as possible so I could live the life I dreamed of. Now it will happen, but I have to be careful. Whilst the nerves are gone the damage to my neck and back are still there. The Universe decided to remind me of this on the weekend.

The battery on the wretched fire alarm had decided to start peeping at 1am! Of course it happens then, but I cannot ignore it. I was feeling quite good and I  thought, what a wonderful idea, change the battery myself and let my husband sleep.  Humph!  I got the alarm down but became dizzy, stepped down very quickly and hit my lower back on the coping of the wall. OUCH!  Ray came running down the stairs, so much for letting him sleep, and I felt more than a little chagrined by the episode.  (Learn to walk before you run!)

dragonfly
image courtesy of swittersb.wordpress.com            Don’t you just love dragonflies?

So, here I lay, wide awake, working out what I’ve learned from this. (A good exercise for a sleepless night.)

Things don’t always turn out as you thought they would. Sometimes they’re even better. They usually are in fact.

Asking for help is not weakness, it is strength and honours the person who gives you the help.

My head will not fall off, it just feels like a rag doll’s at the moment. Patience will bring all things in due time. The Universe’s timing, which I trust because it always, but always works out so much better anything I may have thought of.

My business appointment  tomorrow will be a hoot because  I will still be ‘under the influence’ of something.

I’m being given a beautiful sign from Spirit that I’m on the right track because my Boobook Owl hasn’t stopped calling the entire time I’ve been doing this. Way to go! Hoot Hoo!

So, all in all I’m more than grateful  for the experience of the past few weeks. If nothing else it has allowed me to learn that you don’t always get what you might wish for, it’s usually much better, and for that I am truly grateful.

butterflies and astronaut in alien world

image courtesy of art.com

“Patience, grasshopper,” said Maia. “Good things come to those who wait.”
“I always thought that was ‘Good things come to those who do the wave,'” said Simon. “No wonder I’ve been so confused all my life.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

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“The person who sends out positive thoughts activates the world around him positively and draws back to himself positive results.” Norman Vincent Peale

There is nothing quite like the knowledge that you have to undergo “a procedure”. It sounds like such an innocent little thing but it’s only when you get right down to the nitty-gritty that you find out what you’ve let yourself in for. So it is with me. I’m currently wondering if I am ready for later today.
worried lady

image courtesy of truthaboutwater.com
For more than a decade I’ve had a problem with my back and neck, courtesy of an insignificant little car accident! It  was quite silly really. We were stationary and the other vehicle simply T Boned us at a relatively slow speed. Nothing to worry about. Right?   I carefully checked everyone out. No broken  bones, no bruises and no blood!  Too simple. All we needed was to exchange details  and away we could go.
“car accident” courtesy of photobucket

There was however an itch on the back of my neck I simply couldn’t ignore. So as soon as we arrived home out came the trusty camera, the car was photographed from  stem to stern and we started to write down chronologically exactly what had happened.  By the time we had finished I had a rather nasty headache which I put down to delayed shock.   Mistake number one !  A couple of painkillers and a very hot bath later  I went to bed to sleep off the ‘headache’.

The next morning was something out of a cartoon show. There I was as stiff as a board and unable to get out of bed without help. I still had some misguided notion that I could go to work and so, another very hot shower later I had to acknowledge that it simply wasn’t going to go my way! I called the closest doctor (mistake number two) and drove to see him.  (mistake number three).  A pattern was emerging but I was too sore to realize this and was still hanging onto some vague notion that I was going to be able to go to work! It was a simple whiplash and I was assured that a couple of days bed rest with the trusty  Valium and I would be fit and raring to go again. (mistake number four).
woman in pain
I could still only move around with a great deal of pain but I was prepared to give it a go. (number five and counting).  There followed two years of infighting with my employer who didn’t want me on Work Cover. I didn’t want to be on it either but that didn’t appear to register.  The number of mistakes by this time were too numerous to count. Eventually  I lost my job under a beautiful little loophole in the Industrial Relations Act and found myself unable to get a job since my neck and back has been well and truly ‘wrecked’ beyond belief  and much of the time I staggered around unable to ‘tie my shoelaces unaided’!  The major irony according to the specialists, was that if I had been allowed to change my ‘duties’ after the accident I wouldn’t have the back problems I now have.  If I sound a little  bitter you would be right.  Was this a “life lesson?”

So here I am, trying to sleep, obviously ineffectively, waiting on the next procedure to get some pain relief.  I’m all booked in for a “medial branch block of the C3 – C 7” area of my neck. I’m still not sure if they chose my neck first because it hurts more than my back or if I’m just lucky!

It’s now much later in the day and the procedure went well, which is a gross understatement.  To say I was a little nervous would be making  light of things. The idea of all those needles in my neck was daunting but I was  desperate for some lasting relief. You get that way after a decade or so. Finally here I was in my little  paper gown waiting to go into the room where it would all happen!
cervical medial Cervical medial branch block

image courtesy of springerimages.com

It’s now much later in the day and the procedure went well, which is a gross understatement.  To say I was a little nervous would be making  light of things. The idea of all those needles in my neck was daunting but I was  desperate for some lasting relief. You get that way after a decade or so. Finally here I was in my little  paper gown waiting to go into the room where it would all happen!

I should add at this point that I haven’t been able to lay on my tummy for over a decade. I have had to succumb to sitting in a reclining position to sleep at night. This was a challenge as I had to lay face down for at least half an hour and be absolutely still. A huge challenge.  So there I was lying with my nose squished to the tiny pillow as the CT scan was used to find the correct places for the eight needles I required. Please note that was eight needles, big ones!

The first eight were the “small” injection of anaesthetic I needed to numb the upper layer of  tissue. The following eight were taken right into the neck and as close to the nerve as possible.  Very uncomfortable! Deep breathing and prayers were beginning to flow  at  this point. Fortunately the anaesthetic was very quick acting and I didn’t feel the ‘needles’ going in which would touch the nerves.

This is where things became very uncomfortable. It had taken much longer than the  half hour anticipated, in fact it was close to an hour. My back had long since decided to punish me for placing it in a position guaranteed to create pain. The agony from this reached from my tail bone, over my entire hip area and was closing fast on my shoulder blades. It was now a close race on which area would be number one in the agony stakes!

Then came the nerve ‘block’. A strange name for  something which a felt as though a red-hot poker was being jabbed into each nerve to see if it reacted strongly enough to the stimulus before the anaesthetic was administered.
one injection image courtesy of  metacafe.com

(picture this repeated four times on each side of the cervical bones).

When I was praying the loudest they decided they had found the best places. (You might substitute a strangled scream for the prayer!)  The relief to know it was over was immeasurable.  The fun, if you have a warped sense of humour, then began when I had to try to move. My back was frozen solid with the pain of laying absolutely still for well over an hour. My husband told me it was close to an hour and a half.

Sitting was hilarious. My sense of balance had gone completely, as had my hearing and my eyes refused to focus. I can’t really comment about my legs, they were there somewhere but we’re not functioning quite the way they should. However, the bright spot in this was that I couldn’t feel a thing in my neck so my thumping headache had gone. I guess I had a win there!
dizzy personimage courtesy of balancenadmobility.com
I’m now sitting in bed, still wobbly, still unfocused, at least somewhat, and praying I won’t lose too much hair when the dressings are  removed tomorrow.  I’m lucky I know. I’m much more fortunate than many, but at the back of this wooly brain is the thought that come Monday I have this same procedure lined up for my lower back.

This is part one, if successful the next phase is “ablation”, burning the nerves. I’m nervous and medical procedures don’t usually concern me overly much, not after all the research I do. Yet this does make me think. It’s much more painful for some time afterwards and there is too much to be done on the work front.  It’s a difficult decision to make; pain for some time versus freedom of movement, pain-free movement when it subsides. It’s not a cure-all, those wonderful nerves regrow so the entire thing has to be repeated in about a year – if you’re game that is.

As Charles Dickens said:
“Reflect upon your present blessings, of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

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