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“Dreaming is a world where wishes do not exist ; because dreaming is a world where our wishes are fulfilled just by the fact of imagining them so.”
― Yannick Heywang

dreams

image courtesy of 123glitter.com
As you may know I’ve been having a series of procedures on my back and neck to try to alleviate  the pain I’ve had almost constantly since a  car accident back in November 2000. It’s been a long haul and at times has driven me to the brink of despair.  A simple whiplash injury, which should by all,accounts have been repaired and a distant memory years ago.  Obviously this has not happened or I wouldn’t have been having the nerves in my lower back and neck ‘fried’ over the past two weeks.

I thought we had managed to sort out the kinks in the system last week, however it appears ‘Murphy’s Law” had not yet finished with me! As a rule   the special “RF” machine does not come to the Gold Coast on Mondays.  It needs to be booked to get it down here.  OK I get that. I made the bookings as per the referrals and went through the process of psyching myself up for the procedure. The machine did not arrive – it had not been ordered. Reschedule for Tuesday, another day to  ponder the advisability of what I was doing. I was reassured it would work out fine, but you never know.

Last week, although gruesomely painful,  endured with a stiff upper lip and much “praying of sorts”  went very well and except for the soft tissue bruising (6 inch needles look enormous and feel as though they’re going right through you!).  My wonderful husband nursed and cosseted me and I felt as good as I possibly could. I am delighted to report  that the pain associated with the spine has gone, and once the soft tissue has settled down I will feel like dancing! Well almost.

happy smiling wife

image courtesy of happymom.info

Back to the supposedly a scheduled appointment yesterday. It didn’t happen because the machine doesn’t ever come down on Monday!  Whoopee, another day to ponder the procedure.  Frustrated, but stymied as to what else I could do, I waited for my rescheduled appointment.  I wasn’t about to a have the darned thing spread over a number of days, I wanted it over and done with.  Of course, the hour delay didn’t help with my sanguine attitude. I did try though.

The needles are smaller than those for the back, an assumption since I didn’t see them. The anaesthetic  felt just the same and if anything more painful. How did that happen?  I must have a small streak of crazy running through my programming  because I thought it was not only weird but rather hilarious that when they sent the electrical charge along the ‘element’ to check they had the right spot, the absolutely right spot, the jangled nerves affected went to places I hadn’t thought of. One in  the base of my neck, the most painful  one, had the nerves jumping in my skull,  my arm right to the fingertips, down my back and into my hip and even into my and down my leg!  I was astonished, but with my focus on trying to breathe  and not swear blue murder (I really did ” my share” of “my kind” of praying)  I noted  the sensations and kept breathing.

I have no idea why, but when it was all finished and they were helping me to sit up, not only was I a partially deaf (it passes) and being as dizzy as a wheel (it passes), I suddenly found I had a fit of the giggles. Whether it was relief or something else I have no idea, but inappropriate or not, I just found  bouts of giggles erupting. I guess it’s better than crying and certainly made the doctor and his assistant smile.  I’m good with this.   After thirteen years of increasing pain it felt good to be numb! If that seems strange then so be it.

laughing girl

image courtesy of howtoattractagirl.org
You see I have been asking and praying for a remedy to this debilitating pain for years. It has stopped me from being active and at times made life sheer misery, not only for me, but for all those sound me.  Guilt is a strong motivator. I wanted to be fit and healthy, as healthy and fit as possible so I could live the life I dreamed of. Now it will happen, but I have to be careful. Whilst the nerves are gone the damage to my neck and back are still there. The Universe decided to remind me of this on the weekend.

The battery on the wretched fire alarm had decided to start peeping at 1am! Of course it happens then, but I cannot ignore it. I was feeling quite good and I  thought, what a wonderful idea, change the battery myself and let my husband sleep.  Humph!  I got the alarm down but became dizzy, stepped down very quickly and hit my lower back on the coping of the wall. OUCH!  Ray came running down the stairs, so much for letting him sleep, and I felt more than a little chagrined by the episode.  (Learn to walk before you run!)

dragonfly
image courtesy of swittersb.wordpress.com            Don’t you just love dragonflies?

So, here I lay, wide awake, working out what I’ve learned from this. (A good exercise for a sleepless night.)

Things don’t always turn out as you thought they would. Sometimes they’re even better. They usually are in fact.

Asking for help is not weakness, it is strength and honours the person who gives you the help.

My head will not fall off, it just feels like a rag doll’s at the moment. Patience will bring all things in due time. The Universe’s timing, which I trust because it always, but always works out so much better anything I may have thought of.

My business appointment  tomorrow will be a hoot because  I will still be ‘under the influence’ of something.

I’m being given a beautiful sign from Spirit that I’m on the right track because my Boobook Owl hasn’t stopped calling the entire time I’ve been doing this. Way to go! Hoot Hoo!

So, all in all I’m more than grateful  for the experience of the past few weeks. If nothing else it has allowed me to learn that you don’t always get what you might wish for, it’s usually much better, and for that I am truly grateful.

butterflies and astronaut in alien world

image courtesy of art.com

“Patience, grasshopper,” said Maia. “Good things come to those who wait.”
“I always thought that was ‘Good things come to those who do the wave,'” said Simon. “No wonder I’ve been so confused all my life.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Glass

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“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape”. –Charles Dickens

happy relaxed person
courtesy pinjarrahealthfoods.com

I am feeling more than a little worse for wear tonight, and that would have to be one of the most outrageous understatements I have made for some time. I have a high tolerance for pain, or a high pain threshhold. It’s really a matter of which way you wish to look at the situation.  Either way, the end result is the same, I have been pushed to the outer limits of my threshhold today and I am holding on by a thread.  There have been no tantrums but tears and many prayers. I have wondered if I lost any degree of sanity I may have laid claim to when I signed on for this. This being torture by any other name. 

 I described my “procedure”  earlier, this is the second part, the lumbar or lower back “procedure”.  Don’t  get me wrong, I have an amazing doctor and a wonderful assistant. They are kind and considerate throughout the entire episode, even asking if I would prefer to stop, have a break and start again. I appreciate their concern, however, when faced with 32 needles of varying sizes, (I should add that the small ones at the beginning, whilst being the smallest do carry a wicked sting and the rest simply become larger and, depending on the successful placement carry their own degree of ‘sting’ and pain!), it would take someone more foolhardy than I to agree to halt the proceedings.

hypodermic syringe

courtesy oocities.org
To be fair I have been spoilt, pampered and cosseted since I left the doctors office by my wonderful and I’m sure long suffering husband.  Without him this would be no simple, never ending nightmare, but an ongoing and never ending sample of Dante’s Inferno!  Perhaps worse than the pain, which I know will eventually fade, is the feeling of facing future decrepitude.  An interesting definition, or description of decrepitude I found is:

the state of being old and no longer in good condition or

 good health”

In other places it directly refers to being useless and feeble, both states I have felt in full measure this evening. There were times as I attempted to painstakingly shuffle from place to place that I had a clear and multicolored picture of a very old cottage, timbers riddled with dry rot, falling apart before my eyes. It was quaint, it was in some ways picturesque, it most definitely was real, and most importantly to me at the time, it accurately bespoke how I felt and saw myself in the future.  A future I should add that did not seem very far away! 

decrepit old cottage

courtesy of wikipaintings.org

“It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream.”
― Edgar Allan Poe

I was not feeling sorry for myself, this was after all, exactly what I had agreed to, and in the fullness of time, I believe I will be pain free and able to do all the things I have missed doing over the last decade.  Things I did and took for granted until I could no longer do them.

areobics

courtesy of 123rf.com

There was just one small hiccough to this positive frame of mind. Each and every time I sat down, or indeed moved, I got a clear and present warning that my back did not appreciate the treatment it had been subjected to.  What could I expect really? In all honesty could I expect my body to appreciate being used as a human pincushion! Of course not!

To add a little more interest to the night I was doing my Gratitude Journal, not as difficult as one might imagine, when I asked my Guides (spirit guides) to give me a sign that they were there, with me. It may seem nonsensical to some, but it meant a great deal to me.

 Suddenly, (doesn’t it always happen suddenly?),  I heard the sound of my resident owl calling, ‘whoo who, whoo who.’   It was my Mopoke owl. Depending on where you hail from, it is called a Mopoke, Boobook, or Tawny Frogmouth. He is beautiful and I love both seeing him and hearing him, but none more so than tonight when I was feeling more than a little low. This was the sign I asked for and which came so quickly. He stayed close by calling without pause for half an hour before he left. I am truly grateful for his visit. 

mopoke or boobook owl

courtesy of thinktag.com

So, whilst still in pain, feeling somewhat decrepit at the moment, and unable to sleep, I have been shown that all is and will be well in my world.  I am going to find a semi comfortable position, find my meditation crystal, get my iPod set up with a good meditation track and rest.  Rest is what my body needs tonight and probably tomorrow and that’s the message from my owl friend, so that is what I will do. A few pictures for you which I cannot make my iPad cooperate with and “that’s all for me folks “. 

positive future happy image
curtesy of davishypnosis.com

  “Walk with the dreamers, the believers, the courageous, the cheerful, the planners, the doers, the successful people with their heads in the clouds and their feet on the ground. Let their spirit ignite a fire within you to leave this world better than when you found it…”

         

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