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Posts Tagged ‘patience’

#Sleep of the Damned
   If Only I Could, I surely Would

 

“Life is all about timing… the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable… attainable. Have the patience, wait it out; it’s all about timing.” Stacey Charter

I know about the sleep of the damned. It’s not quite what you might think. No diving into a hellish deep, tortured souls tearing you apart – perhaps it is for some, but not for me.

Mine lies somewhere between a light doze and wakefulness. It’s the lightest doze imaginable where my heartbeat plays time with my thoughts. Thoughts in colour and action to make sleeping a sometimes joke. Occasionally I’ll slip in the transition between the two and fall into sleep’s welcome embrace. Of late, it’s filled with vibrant dreams, some easy to understand, some so confused I’m not sure where the middle, beginning and end are. But that too is immaterial here.

For several weeks, I have fought a good fight against the effects of a niacin flush. Sounds like a fancy cocktail, but without the little umbrella! Instead, it’s a detox strangle – melodramatic, I’m sure. Yet I told “them” I was allergic to “B” vitamins. I’ve had to be careful for years, guarding myself against anything containing “B” vitamins which it seems my body cannot tolerate, all except B12, in which I am so deficient they call it ‘Pernicious Anaemia’!

So my niacin flush – beautiful blushes of sunset red or sunrise hues – more like sunrise I think, as it’s followed by the rising heat of the blush and a raging conflagration – akin to a wildfire. It cannot be quenched or put out, nor tamped down. I have to allow it to – yes, flush through my body.

Like most things it’s good and bad. The good is the benefit of the detox, removing those things harmful to me. The bad – oh just the crippling migraines, light sensitivity, crushing aches and pains as though my body is being torn apart.

Even this could be managed with good rest. Yet the pain, muscle, bone, head all combine to throw a huge barricade across that nebulous boundary between the twilight doze and real sleep, hence the “sleep of the damned”!

It’s frustrating since I crave organisation. I like my ordered routines. Poetry, stories, conversation and more, photos and sharing my thoughts. That has been tossed out like yesterday’s garbage, until my niacin flush has gone away.

If I find it frustrating, it may be worse for those trying to follow my blog, since you have no idea what or when I’m publishing. It pains me to say it, as so much else does at present, but I’m having to learn patience. It’s a dreadful curse, one I’ve fought most of my life. But I promise you this, I will be back on track, with my writing and my schedule, just as soon as I’ve put out my bushfire!

Since today was my day to visit my doctor and half a dozen hypodermics later, thought is a vague thing, and vision is blurry. You might say the spirit is willing but the body is weak. Hence this little explanation for you to understand my dilemma. Now I look forward to another night of the sleep of the damned again!

 

Blessings, Susan, ♥

© Susan Jamieson, 2014

© Executive Sorceress, 2014

Image from http://www.josephienwallart.co.uk  

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Sunrise Sunset

Sunrise, Molten Gold

Sunrise

It’s beaten me to it once more

Sunrise

Golden  bright

It’s light so strong it makes your eyes water

 Sunrise

Over the placid blue waters

Neither wave nor a ripple to mar the blue

Sunrise

Casting glimmering flights of molten gold

Between the ripples over the water

As though the light itself was alive

Sunrise

The start of another day

Yet the Sunset heralded the end of yesterday

And I wonder where the night went

Why did it flee so quickly

Like velvet across bare skin

Soft and smooth as it slides free

Darkness

Brings no release from this waking prison

Yes I am still here for the pain I ride

Gives me have no measure of illusion to hide my face

As I hide it from the accusing light of the sun

Boring deep inside this pulsing mass I call a brain

Tentacles of pain surviving any prodding

Like a living thing it takes its nourishment

From the agony inflicted in its wake

Surcease

From this pallid existence

Between moments of peaceful calm

Hard fought with acceptance and calm

Each moment a drop of relief

So small it could be overlooked

Yet there it is

Comfort

From knowing I have the secret

The Secret

Peace, calm, acceptance, mindfulness

The tools

I now have to overcome this

Nemesis

Called Pain

Sunrise Sunset

Moon over water at Byron

Have a great weekend

Ciao, Susan x

Sunrise  Sunset

Peace lily – the right flower for the right time

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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Being Thankful

image from sunni-survivinglife.blogspot.com – #Being Thankful

Being thankful isn’t always easy

In fact sometimes it’s downright hard

But the evangelists tell me it’s all just an attitude

Well, Grammy Jen tells me I have an attitude

And what’s more I should just get rid of it

So I’m a might confused about what I should do

~

Like yesterday

Momma told me to get to the wash

And I pounded and pounded to get Tommy’s jeans clean

That basket was like to tear my arms from my shoulders

But right in the middle of the yard

Little Bobby went scooting past on his wagon

I got my feet all tangled and down went the wash

All over that dirt yard

And I started to tremble something fierce

~

Momma whooped me plenty for being so careless

And I had to pound those clothes extra hard this time

Every time I pounded those clothes

I pretended I was pounding some gratitude in there

It helped take my mind off the whooping

But it didn’t make me feel any better

~

Later when I was helping Momma with dinner

Tommy told her I tore his jeans

He only has one good pair cos he’s always tearing them

So she whooped me some more with the big old spoon

For being so careless with Tommy’s jeans

I know it wasn’t Christian like but I snuck a bug

On his plate of squirrel stew

He never noticed and I figured God would understand

It’s sure hard to be thankful when it seems like it’s always my fault

Being Thankful

image from dougsploitation.blogspot.com #BeingThankful

~

I figure if I keep being thankful

Even when it’s always my fault

Maybe eventually all my daily ‘ thankfulness’

Might fill the biggest old barn around

And then instead of all that whooping

I might get a barrel full of hugging

To make it all worthwhile

~

But Grammy says it don’t work like that

She says, “Girl just fill yourself with gratitude,

Don’t worry about all that attitude,

God’s watching all we’re doing, and girl you’re doing just fine,

So go on now and sneak down to the river and play

Momma’s gone for the rest of the day.

And Tommy’s out after squirrels,

I’ll look after little Bobby and today we’ll both

Get our fill of thankful and gratitude

And I’ll see that sweet smile of yours for a while”

~

So I ran down to the river and swam for hours and hours,

Lay on the grass and watched the angels in the clouds

And I could feel all that thankful and gratitude Granny told me of

And I knew that everything was going to be alright

Because I could see my road stretching far away

On God’s beautiful highway.

Being Thankful

image from forums.vwvortex.com – Seward Highway, AK       #BeingThankful

 “Life without thankfulness is devoid of love and passion. Hope without thankfulness is lacking in fine perception. Faith without thankfulness lacks strength and fortitude. Every virtue divorced from thankfulness is maimed and limps along the spiritual road.”
― John Henry Jowett

Thankfulness and gratitude are used almost interchangeably. For those things we are giving thanks for, we are expressing our gratitude for. There is no need to become bogged down in the correct terminology, if we are looking at life, at our day and being grateful or thankful for the good things which happen, then we are doing all the right things to make our world a better place.

Focus on the good things, no matter how small and more of those good things are magnetised towards us and life can become a wondrous place. It’s that easy – just remember that like attracts like.

May your days be filled with thankfulness and gratitude.

Blessings,  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

image from spirit_elements-www-josephinewall-co.uk

I was waiting for the imminent disaster to fall on me, or us, not quite knowing what it was and thus unable to prepare myself for it. I suspected what it was, prayed it wasn’t and waited.

Time passed and things limped along, until the day arrived when Mum had to be admitted to hospital.  I can’t even begin to say why I knew this was different. The energies around Mum seemed thick and Dad’s presence was so strong. As she always had done in the past she rallied and the hospital were almost ready to let her come home – but only after we had made an appointment to see the doctors!

image from www.the guardian.com

image from http://www.the guardian.com

It really didn’t take Einstein to work out what was going to happen. We were told very simply that Mum had finally reached the terminal stage and that because of her condition she could only go home if they (the hospital) could be assured that she would have someone with her 24 hours a day. In less than a heartbeat I discounted my business, it wasn’t important, and told them I could look after her during the days. My brother, who hated living alone and had moved home before Dad died would be there in the evenings and nights. Even though he was at home, they looked to me to settle the matter.  It was my responsibility and I told them we could manage it. I was the eldest, it was what I did.

It goes almost without saying that my children were right behind me, it was their Grandma after all. It hurt to have to tell them the bad news, but I think we were all expecting it one day, we had simply hoped it wouldn’t be soon. I say soon, we had been prepared for years but when the time arrives it is always too soon. . I thought my hubby was also “on board”. They had gotten along well in the past and being embarrassed that things weren’t great at home I hadn’t talked to Mum about it. Since I was basically supporting him, and had been all along I really didn’t expect any hassles.

Is it ironic that I truly enjoyed the months I spent alone with Mum each day? When I could see how things were and had been happening every day, I felt ashamed that I hadn’t done something to correct it. I didn’t like how Mum had been looked after as she became more fail. I didn’t like the fact that I was so preoccupied with my woes that I hadn’t seen what was happening when I visited. I hadn’t visited enough! So, without telling my brother I started spoiling her. I bought her things which would tempt her to eat, treats to make her smile, little gifts she wanted but he disapproved of. What he didn’t know wasn’t going to cause a problem and I wasn’t seeking a pat on the back for loving my mother.

If I could have given her my lungs for her to breathe instead of the horrible asthma attacks compounded with the emphysema – I would have. I couldn’t do any of those things. I could send her healing to ease things, so my Reiki training was very useful. I could help her through the attacks but I couldn’t stop them and I knew time was running out. She loved watching that crazy soap, “Days of Our Lives” and each time I saw that hourglass and heard the theme…..”like sands through the hourglass” I had to bite my lip to stop tears.  I bathed her and washed her hair, bought new nighties to brighten her days and a lead light lamp which caused a furor.

I didn’t broadcast what I considered small things to help her through the dark days. I loved her and it was irrelevant that I tell anyone what ‘a wonderful daughter I was’. It’s strange how people perceive things later.

We talked a lot about “afterwards” and I explained to her all I knew and believed. Dad’s scent was so strong in the house and she admitted she could feel him. She was frightened that there may not be anything afterwards, and I fear it was one of the reasons she clung on for so long, but our talk brought some measure of comfort and I could feel her accept that there may be more for her than she had feared.

A month before Christmas I arrived home after a difficult day of asthma attacks to be welcomed by this statement. Hubby, “This isn’t working out. I’ll be moving out on Friday. I’ll take my things when I’ve worked out where I’m going.”  For one second I was dumbfounded and then I blazed like a volcano erupting. I know my voice was like ice, as though I had killed something inside.

I remember saying, “Don’t think about waiting until then. I’m not leaving you in my house alone until Friday. Pack your bags and get out now. You can call to talk about the rest on Saturday. Now – GO!”

With a frosty glare he opened his mouth and I said, “Don’t think about it, If you don’t leave now my son will put you out.” (My son is a big man and was capable of doing just that, in fact he would have loved it. Which shows the level of discontent still in the house).

image from footage.shutterstock.com –

He left, I had too much on my mind at that time to worry about it. I was advised by my insurance company that if I wanted to be covered in the event of ‘things’ being missed later, I had to have the locks changed. He came back when the locksmith was changing the locks. Such was the animosity in hubby’s face that he, the locksmith, was reluctant to leave. Truthfully, I think I would have welcomed him trying anything. It would have been a distraction. I was becoming numb and anything would have been a welcome distraction.

But, the end was fast approaching.

Losing myself.

Losing myself.

Each day I felt I was losing myself. I had no one to talk to, I had to remain strong for everyone and yet I felt the cracks widening more and more.

.

Next week – Losing my way

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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DOING THE BEST I CAN_n

I need to take A moment’s pause. Today is a slight departure from what I had planned. My little excursion yesterday has made my planning for today redundant.  A couple of itty bitty injections have left me sleepless (last night), although I was assured the jungle juice would knock out a bull elephant. It seems bull elephants have lost a little of the oomph recently. Hmm. Two hours sleep this morning does not a happy little camper make, nor a very cogent one either. It was but “A moment’s pause”.

It seems I know what I want to say but something happens between the old grey matter and the nerves supplying my eyes, tongue, and fingers. A cross eyed, tongue tangled thumb pusher on a keyboard does not a typist make. We won’t even go near the cross legged, timpy toed and knock kneed walk which sends you in crooked circles so that you still bump into everything, even if it is nailed down! (A moment’s pause, please).

Now, that the movement part of the hilarity is done we add to the mixture a syrupy dollop or three of cortisone. Great for easing tight, tense muscles and tendons….  uhuh, uhuh. My head wants to wobble like a flexible piece of cardboard. Super for baby dribbles whilst eating or drinking – I kid you not.  Please, excuse me, A moment’s pause.

So, that’s my embarrassing explanation and the need for “A moment’s pause”.  Regular broadcasts will resume tomorrow. I have some wonderful tipsy eyed weaving photos, although my roped in typist and able bodied cane (Ray) assures me I’m the only one who will see the shmearing.  (Goody goody!)

So to finish my tale of woe and “A Moments Pause”….

FORGIVENESS_n

With love and appreciation for your generosity.

Ciao, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from mondoexploito.com

I’ve been missing for a couple of days with the usual doctor to doctor trek, tests and more tests and waiting interminably for results. Ended up with the expected kinked neck and back plus a whopper of a migraine from the sun. Strange we had those hot days when I had to be trundling around in a car.

Well such is life at the moment. Despite having to squint out of one eye, the pain in the other was too much, and my internal organs were having the own mini revolution, I managed to prepare a couple of posts ahead of time to make up for my possible lack of impetus at the end of the day.

I thought it worked well until today when I felt less than  chipper. In fact I felt flatter than a badly flipped pancake. I have dragged myself around wearing dark sunglasses, cracking my eyes open only enough to stop myself from walking into everything.  In the beautiful darkness of out Harvest Moon I ventured out long enough to grab a few pictures and do a moon filled post, mainly because I love the colours of the moon here. Selfish I know.

So, back with the sunnies in my bedroom (the glare from the computer) and I had my blog done….. what happened next was tragic. Like most electrical equipment it had a sudden attack of the “let’s have some fun with her.” the screen blinked and I had an empty screen. No draft saved (odd) and nary a full stop in sight.

So you have my explanation for no real blog…. a poem I did a little while ago which suits my mood at present and I’m taking my eyeballs, which feel as though someone has pierced them with a flaming brand, to bed with a cold compress. The real blog will follow next week.

Have an amazing weekend…..I’m keeping my eyes closed unless the sun eclipses over me.

In the meantime, here is a photo from the last full moon…..

DSCN2439 (Copy)Beautiful, isn’t it?

.

Ciao, Susan x

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image from patcegan.wordpress.com

Have you worked out what makes you feel good? Where are you when you feel happy with the world, with the people you are with, when you are with yourself? Yes, that’s right, with yourself. If we cannot find that feeling of inner contentment when we are “with ourself,” when we are “looking within” and finding that “inner centre” which fills us with peace, then we have little chance of finding it elsewhere.

Of course there will be times when you feel all is well in your world. Things may be “In Flow” and you have this “warm and fuzzy” feeling which lulls you into a feeling of “She’s Right, Mate”.  So many little adjectives which we use to talk to ourselves and reassure ourselves that life is wonderful. All this ‘inner chatter’ is a form of “Voice Dialogue” first brought to light by Hal and Sidra Stone. If you are interested you can read more about it here, here and here. It is a fascinating subject.

In our search for peace and serenity we can practice finding and giving “Gratitude” to others and to ourselves. Once found it is not a simple matter to replicate. It takes repetition and dedication, plus a firm belief  that this is the way you wish to live your life, finding the good where we can and being grateful for the many Blessings in our lives.  However, if we persevere we find life becomes easier, the good we send out to others multiplies and comes back to us in wonderful ways. It makes sense of the trials and tribulations we may face.

Yes, this is the crucial point. No success is ever gained from doing something once. It must be repeated until it is an integral part of our existence. Our hearts expand as we are focused on the good and not worrying about the problems we face each day. Certainly problems will arise, problems which try incredibly hard to “Prick your Serenity Bubble”.

I know, because today was one of those days.

I have kept a journal, or diary if you are ‘old school’, for many years. However, for more than fifteen months a part of my journalling has focused on finding five, yes, just five things which I have been grateful for on that day. It doesn’t sound like very much, does it? Yet there are days when you can struggle to find one thing to be grateful for, especially if you have a run of difficult situations.

So was my day. I’m in my heavy meds week and the associated irritation from them to counter the bugs from Lyme disease is enough to dampen a lot of enthusiasm. However, I know I’m killing those little blighters and so I’m grateful, even if I feel wretched. Yet I had a number of appointments I needed to schedule and I’ve put it off long enough.  I had already spoken to these receptionists previously so that I knew what to ask for and when to schedule things to fit into my woefully limited day.  I mean, at the end of the day I am asking them to do some fairly nasty things to me, all in the name of science and better health!

The cost of good health is no small thing. In fact it can be damned expensive! So you can imagine my chagrin when I called to make the first appointment only to be told it was going to be much more expensive than we had previously been told.  Oh, we can claim it back later, but they want payment up front…. ARGGGH.  With a swipe of my cards they can claim their payment from Medicare, but Noooo, they won’t do that, all money up front, if you please and then, when you’re dragging yourself around, line up and claim your refund from Medicare.

The worst part of this….. you will be told to drop your claim in the box, or wait and hand it to a claims officer and they will deposit the money LATER in your account. Now, I’m not sure about you but that seems backward. If I’m going to be given my money back, and the hospital are being paid by Medicare anyway, why are they unable to do the waiting? They don’t have to run around when they feel like someone has been running them down with a Mack truck! Better yet, you are instructed that you are not allowed to drive, you must have someone to accompany you, drive you home afterwards and make sure they can keep an eye on you for a while.

Pardon me, I think I missed something here.  You cannot fight the establishment. You can try but it’s a waste of time. So breathe deeply, breathing in calm and contentment and breathing out the tension. Works wonders, doesn’t it, I feel better already.  I am grateful I managed to get an appointment before I burst a bubble.

image from people-equation.com

So, back to the phone and blow me down, but it was a repeat of the first one.  I cannot get an appointment to fit into my schedule and so it will coincide with a week when all I want to do is crawl into a bath full of water and epsom salts to stop the perpetual itch.  Add a couple more annoyances and irritations and my “Serenity Bubble” was bulging alarmingly.

My “Inner Critic” was fighting with my “Inner Child” who was upset with my “Warrior Woman” because rather than crying she wanted to “bust some chops” but the “”Controller” said NO!

My bubble wobbled and shook, it rolled and bumped around and after many deep breaths and peaceful music, and my Tibetan singing bowl, (you can hear them at this link) it steadied and shone in pride of place, centered in my heart, filled with Gratitude that, I had managed to get everything arranged and “In the fullness of time, all things being equal etc” all will fall into place.  (I have to confess to being a fan of “Yes Minister”, the above quote from Sir Humphries in that show.

So, to everyone who is handling setbacks and frustration, whose Serenity Bubble has a really wonky wobble, rest assured, you are not alone. Grab hold of that small thing you can be grateful for, the sun on your face, the wind in your hair, the smell of the ocean or the freshness of the forest, a babies smile, a warm hug, a cup of tea, a dogs cuddle and remember,  this can all happen tomorrow and you can overcome it again. Be grateful that you will be here to be grateful for another day.

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
Lao Tzu

May your days be filled with serenity, with gratitude and the inner fortitude to find both. It’s worth it.

Blessings, Susan x

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