Posts Tagged ‘Self Pity’

image from 100musicalfootsteps.wordpress.com

Yesterday seems like an eon away and tomorrow as far yet to come. It’s strange how time has a way of folding in on itself when you least expect it.  Yesterday morning was full of “sunshine and roses” and I was planning for this blog.  I cannot remember a single thing I was going to do, but  I can say it did feel impressive at the time.

The afternoon had become a struggle of tears and anguish and I wondered why I was doing anything at all as I had to retreat to my bed again. My “inner Light” was dimming as I struggled again with understanding of what was going on. My brain refused to function and my body  – well it loves to follow suit. It seems it’s an “all in together” kind of party.

Last night was tears and despair as I let everything overpower me. I lost my “Inner Flame” and the darkness was complete. I’m sure everyone knows the picture, it’s so familiar. I simply wanted a landmark and something to hold onto.

image from janetleigh.wordpress.com

At moments like these, especially when the fog hasn’t lifted I search for those people who give me inspiration. I look to those wonderful souls who have so much more to overcome and do so with dignity and a wisdom far in excess of my own. I feel awed and humbled, and usually it is more than enough to read some of their beautiful words to bring me back into the light. Today, has been a struggle.

All of those useless human emotions which serve us to ill effect have clogged my antennae. Envy – what could I possibly say to you that has not already been said by someone far better than I ever could? Or my Self Pity, such a useless emotion which only serves to make everything much worse. Scrub that!  Anger, always at myself for falling into this trap and allows the acid inside to eat me up a little faster, plus of course gives me a lovely dose of pain to chase it down with.  I always was one for getting a full measure of whatever was doing the rounds.

I believe I tried, I was up early, the softly falling rain at that time, the frog chorus and a few hardy bird calls. I tried my meditation with the hope, dream, the belief that if I succeeded, because I truly wanted to send out healing to everyone, that I could overcome this miasma.

image from shamamabear.wordpress.com

I love this image, it speaks of where I am whilst I meditate, so beautiful and serene, calm and at peace, at one with the world and arriving at that magical place of “stillness” where the heart, mind, body and soul are at one. I struggled – I had a massive dose of humanity hit me and I struggled to find that inner calm, my “zen place”. Each time I found myself getting close to it, it slipped away like smoke.

Like so many people in adversity, I really detest “giving in” or perhaps I should say I hate being beaten.  I did what I could with my meditations, since I have been repeating variations throughout this long day. It was interspersed with one catastrophic period as I struggled to complete a business activity which I was running out of time with.  It’s been a month of struggling with these things. I had hoped, that by now, so close to the full moon, that I would be getting ahead of them, but 2012 hasn’t finished with me yet so perseverance is still the key.

image from bestinspirationalquotes4u.com

On some deep level I know that even if I appear to move at a snail’s pace I must be making forward motion.  You see I can’t go back. The past is gone forever once it has left this moment.  The present will be gone as soon as I blink and will become the past. There is only the moment. I must BE in the moment. Be Present and Mindful. That is all I can do because the future is yet to come and what I do in this Mindful moment is all which can affect that future for me. It is all which may change the way things are right now.

It would be nice if we could “Turn Back Time” as Cher sang and undo all those things which have led to this moment, but it is impossible and impractical. In “The Butterfly Effect” they tried just that. Every time he, (Ashton Kutcher in the film) went back and changed the past he also changed the future – for the worse. It’s not a good way to be.

image from peacefulnessofnature.blogspot.com

I have difficulty passing up a chance to include one of my favourite little friends, in my favourite colour into my story.  They are, in essence, “My Way”. They are my image for being present, for being mindful, acceptance of the moment and hope for the future. Such ephemeral beauty is uplifting and also humbling. It helps me to put everything into perspective.

When I see them, in my mind’s eye, I cannot believe that I am simply “along for the ride” in this life. I cannot accept that I can do nothing to change the future, if I accept I am a Spirit having a Human Experience.  That is the essence.  All those apparently useless emotions are learning experiences. Perhaps painful, perhaps overwhelming at times, perhaps even for a short time appearing to win the battle. Yet only for a time.  Why does this make a difference?

Because even if it is for the briefest of moments, sometimes so brief I may miss it at first there is that moment of tranquility. Spirit has overcome the physical, overcome the struggle to remain heart centered and I realise I have been there, I AM there!

image from fernlifecenter.com

So, I will go forward, through the tears and pain. I will go forward and take my desire for healing others with me. If I have to go through the muck and mush, then so be it. There is beauty there for me, the rose, the butterfly, love and compassion for others and so much more which will transcend this miasma which drops over me with regularity.

As the saying goes, “This too shall pass”. It does, it always does. At times it is a little too dark to see the way ahead and we have to trust that something along the way will provide that light for us. It always does.  As so many of the people who provide me with inspiration and humble me with what they are going through, then I know my pain, despair and hopelessness will lift eventually and I will regain that beautiful “stillness” my “zen butterfly” space and the light will return.

image from feelmylove.org

Until then I will continue to be human, remind myself that I am a spirit having a human existence and allow myself to slip without beating myself up too badly. It’s what we do. It’s what we are meant to do.

The past is gone, the present soon will be, the future is all we have to make it better, so that’s what we must do.

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”   Buddha

You are always in my thoughts, my heart, and I send you all peace, love and well-being.  Blessings.  Susan

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