“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Taking that first step into the unknown is probably the scariest thing we have to do, and at some point in time we all have to do just that. The real question is, how many times can we, with blind faith and trust, take that first step into the unknown? How long is our piece of string?
I understand the premise that character is built through adversity. Trial and suffering are supposed to be the means to create a stronger personality. Yet I truly have to ask, does the soul need strengthening? I believe that we are all souls, here in a human incarnation to learn. I am always grateful and very mindful of this. Strangely enough I didn’t realise that so many people think that it is only through pain and suffering that we are meant to become “better” individuals, better “souls”. In many ways it seems a contradiction in terms.
I know that they learning experience can be easy or hard. Sometimes we need to understand pain and suffering before we can be truly empathic when a friend, family member or a stranger we meet is going through the same thing. We need a frame of reference with which to understand the torment they are facing. Even then, we can only hope we understand because each person is unique, and what they feel and think may be vastly different to how we think and feel.
image from massageblog.net
I have always pushed myself, and pushed hard. Being second, (second best), was just not good enough. My parents wanted me to do well, to get away from where we were, to have a better life. As the eldest child and only girl it was an enormous pressure. I didn’t want to let anyone down, least of all me. Somewhere along the journey I became lost. Yet that didn’t happen until much later.
I graduated, had my dream job where I believed I was doing something which made a difference, helping people who couldn’t help themselves in ‘these’ situations. I felt I had found my niche, I was good at what I did and I knew that in the rarefied field I worked in there weren’t many who could do what I did. I was okay with that.
But, then I fell in love and the person I chose didn’t want me to do what I did best. I made a mistake and I was talked into leaving. I thought nothing could be worse than that feeling of loss and emptiness from not having that thrill of going to work and doing what few others could do.
So I made myself change. I became the picture perfect “Stepford” wife and mother with everything always in perfect order, regimented and in a routine. When I was told I was “too fat” I joined a gym, even though I hated exercise. Yet, there again my innate competitive streak found its first outlet in many years. From having two left feet and hating it I became good at aerobics, not just good, but very good!
image from tehparadox.com
Now I’m not saying I ever looked like this, but pretty darned close and I was just as fit as they were. I felt good for the first time in ages and I was in control of part of my life again. I spent the next twenty years as a “gym junkie’. I loved the exercise, being able to get my body to do things I had never been able to before. But the Lord of Chaos wasn’t finished with me yet. Despite my marriage going to hell in a basket, I had what was supposed to be a ‘minor’ accident.It appeared one trauma wasn’t enough.
Thirteen years later I am still doing the rounds of doctors and specialists. I have tried traditional and all manner of alternative therapies with little success. I am now waiting on another appointment, another doctor to see next week and I’m finding the wait almost unbearable this time. It’s the wondering if this time it will be the right time. Will I find an answer to why I’m not getting better, but worse. Why I’m able to do less and less and the pain becomes worse. The list feels endless so I won’t bore you.
For the first time in my life I’m questioning why I’m pushing myself so hard. Is it the constant pushing causing this to get worse? Have I reached the point where the string is about to break?
image from momsgetreal.com
I can’t answer that question because I don’t know how to give in, or give up. I haven’t learned how to stop fighting. There are a zillion other problems to contend with so how can I let one get the better of me? I guess I’ll keep fighting until I find an answer, either one which will free me or simply be an end to the search. At least for a short while.
Yet I know that right now I simply want to lay down and sleep. How about we start with four hours uninterrupted pain-free sleep? With no pain when I wake up? Then six hours and maybe even eight if I’m lucky. Yes, I know we are supposed to need less sleep as we get older, and I know many people say they only sleep for two or three hours every night. Yet I cannot remember the last time I had even one hours’ uninterrupted sleep or woke without pain, feeling refreshed and eager to meet the day. Well, that’s not quite true, the last time I had a good nights sleep and woke up ready for the day ahead was November 27th 2000, the day before my ‘minor’ accident. Funny how things stick in your mind.
But tomorrow is a new day and there’s always hope, isn’t there? Miracles do happen.
You always smile after your wedding don’t you!
“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” – Marcus Aurelius
But for now I think I’ll let Helen Reddy have the final say.
I couldn’t have put it better myself, at least not at the moment.
Owls and Orchids 