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Posts Tagged ‘Sleep deprivation’

This is going to be brief and to the point.  That should have anyone who knows me laughing since  nothing is ever “to the point”. It always seems there are so many other ideas which pop into my head, equally good to explain the point I want to get across.

Yet tonight I’m full of jungle juice and cortisone.  A madman with a bongo drum is playing with feverish speed and driving me out of peacefulness. I am hanging onto the beauty of the day, but I’d like to do it justice tomorrow when the keys stay where they are meant to be. I know ‘all days can’t be diamonds” the same as “all days can’t be dross”. but lack of sleep and well you already have the picture, makes for a ‘muddle headed wombat”.

Enjoy my music clip…. I wish I was up there in the “Danger Zone”…. oh what a wonderful ride that would be. Hmm.

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“It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before… to test your limits… to break through barriers.” –   Anais Nin

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The fairy dust of sleep and drugs are calling…..  Courage, come fly with me into the Danger Zone.

Ciao, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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After deciding to take a few days off and really get into the healing mode I found myself totally exhausted. It was almost as though, having given myself permission to rest, my body and mind took a complete holiday.

For the past decade I’ve been sleeping no more than a couple of hours each night so I was almost  unaware of the sleep deprived state I was in.  I’ve slept more in the past three days than for several months!

I awoke after a solid twelve hours only to find my eyes more gummed shut than open. I would take my medicine (I couldn’t get away from that!), drink my tea and then I’d be asleep again. That was my routine, semi conscious, drink, eat toast, sleep and repeat.

My husband would reappear to get me to eat toast later and then I would be asleep again. He wasn’t worried, but  by the third day I was getting worried.

Of course, not doing anything much (just healing!)  I wasn’t very hungry either.  Yet food is essential and in one of my half-dazed sorties into semi wakefulness I reminisced about making the kids “cup o soup” on cold winter afternoons when they came home from school. That seemed like a really good idea.

Cupboards searched my husband found a packet of “Seafood Bisque” if I was interested. Hmmm. Just the ticket. In my semi wakeful state I didn’t notice how long it took, just that it felt to be taking longer than I anticipated.  It tasted terrific – I hadn’t realised how hungry I really was. Strange how the croutons were so soggy though!

It wasn’t until today that I found out why. I had warned him that he needed to really stir it well because it was a creamy variety. I didn’t think to mention it had croutons though. So he stirred and saw some lumps, stirred some more and still saw the lumps. Beat the hell out of it and still saw the lumps. Then he put on his glasses and read….”with croutons”.  Beautiful smooth soup and soggy croutons explained.  One lump or two anyone?

And all for Love!

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”
Mother Teresa

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“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

Taking that first step into the unknown is probably the scariest thing we have to do, and at some point in time we all have to do just that. The real question is, how many times can we, with blind faith and trust, take that first step into the unknown?  How long is our piece of string?

I understand the premise that character is built through adversity. Trial and suffering are supposed to be the means to create a stronger personality. Yet I truly have to ask, does the soul need strengthening? I believe that we are all souls, here in a human incarnation to learn. I am always grateful and very mindful of this. Strangely enough I didn’t realise that so many people think that it is only through pain and suffering that we are meant to become “better” individuals, better “souls”.  In many ways it seems a contradiction in terms.

I know that they learning experience can be easy or hard. Sometimes we need to understand pain and suffering before we can be truly empathic when a friend, family member or a stranger we meet is going through the same thing. We need a frame of reference with which to understand the torment they are facing. Even then, we can only hope we understand because each person is unique, and what they feel and think may be vastly different to how we think and feel.

image from massageblog.net

I have always pushed myself, and pushed hard. Being second, (second best), was just not good enough.  My parents wanted me to do well, to get away from where we were, to have a better life. As the eldest child and only girl it was an enormous pressure.  I didn’t want to let anyone down, least of all me. Somewhere along the journey I became lost.  Yet that didn’t happen until much later.

I graduated, had my dream job where I believed I was doing something which made a difference, helping people who couldn’t help themselves in ‘these’ situations. I felt I had found my niche, I was good at what I did and I knew that in the rarefied field I worked in there weren’t many who could do what I did. I was okay with that.

But, then I fell in love and the person I chose didn’t want me to do what I did best. I made a mistake and I was talked into leaving. I thought nothing could be worse than that feeling of loss and emptiness from not having that thrill of going to work and doing what few others could do.

So I made myself change. I became the picture perfect “Stepford” wife and mother with everything always in perfect order, regimented and in a routine. When I was told I was “too fat” I joined a gym, even though I hated exercise.  Yet, there again my innate competitive streak found its first outlet in many years. From having two left feet and hating it I became good at aerobics, not just good, but very good!

image from tehparadox.com

Now I’m not saying I ever looked like this, but pretty darned close and I was just as fit as they were. I felt good for the first time in ages and I was in control of part of my life again. I spent the next twenty years as a “gym junkie’. I loved the exercise, being able to get my body to do things I had never been able to before.  But the Lord of Chaos wasn’t finished with me yet.  Despite my marriage going to hell in a basket, I had what was supposed to be a ‘minor’ accident.It appeared one trauma wasn’t enough.

Thirteen years later I am still doing the rounds of doctors and specialists. I have tried traditional and all manner of alternative therapies with little success. I am now waiting on another appointment, another doctor to see next week and I’m finding the wait almost unbearable this time. It’s the wondering if this time it will be the right time. Will I find an answer to why I’m not getting better, but worse. Why I’m able to do less and less and the pain becomes worse. The list feels endless so I won’t bore you.

For the first time in my life I’m questioning why I’m pushing myself so hard. Is it the constant pushing causing this to get worse? Have I reached the point where the string is about to break?

image from momsgetreal.com

I can’t answer that question because I don’t know how to give in, or give up. I haven’t learned how to stop fighting. There are a zillion other problems to contend with so how can I let one get the better of me? I guess I’ll keep fighting until I find an answer, either one which will free me or simply be an end to the search. At least for a short while.

Yet I know that right now I simply want to lay down and sleep. How about we start with four hours uninterrupted pain-free sleep? With no pain when I wake up? Then six hours and maybe even eight if I’m lucky. Yes, I know we are supposed to need less sleep as we get older, and I know many people say they only sleep for two or three hours every night. Yet I cannot remember the last time I had even one hours’ uninterrupted sleep or woke without pain, feeling refreshed and eager to meet the day. Well, that’s not quite true, the last time I had a good nights sleep and woke up ready for the day ahead was November 27th 2000, the day before  my ‘minor’ accident. Funny how things stick in your mind.

But tomorrow is a new day and there’s always hope, isn’t there? Miracles do happen.

You always smile after your wedding don’t you!

“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”    – Marcus Aurelius

But for now I think I’ll let Helen Reddy have the final say.

                       Oh yes I am wise
But it’s wisdom born of pain
Yes, I’ve paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
’cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
’cause you’ve deepened the conviction in my soul

I couldn’t have put it better myself, at least not at the moment.

Be well, be strong, love to you always,   Susan x

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