Posts Tagged ‘sleep’

#A Bump or Two

image from clicktop10s.blogspot.com

“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.”
Tom Bodett

It’s been a tiresome week in many ways and I have a way to go before things smooth out again. So, in the words or a tiresome ad during the winter months it’s time for me to “soldier on!”

There’s nothing dramatic happening really, I’ve simply let myself get really tired and that is one of the worst things someone with Chronic anything can do. For the first time I can remember I’ve given myself permission to take it easy without beating myself up. It’s a strange feeling and it takes a little getting used to.

I actually slept on and off for most of the day. I’m surprised we don’t have sunshine in the middle of the night, or moonlight and darkness at noon. That’s how unusual this is. It’s also the first time I’ve been so well looked after, cosseted even.

#A Bump or Two

image from hqwallbase.com

Now I’m about to drift off again smelling my favourite Bluebells….. I’ll try to pop back online and put the link to Cee’s #Share Your Week challenge.  Until then, I have a beautiful Earl Grey cup of tea, a nice Digestive biscuit and I might just try to focus on a page or two of Diana Gabaldon’s “Cross Stitch”.

If I’m missing for a wee while you know where I’ll be……zzzzzz.

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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Well it’s happened -finally. A long day of running around with little but fumes in the tank and I’ve reached the end…. of the road for tonight. But I couldn’t forget you, or let you think I’d vanished. I wouldn’t like to think you’d had to call for the CSI team to come and look for me.. mind you Grissom is not too bad and getting inside his head would be rather interesting. If I could get him away from his bugs.

So there it is…. I’ve gone home to roost…

I simply had to do it, I mean, an orchid doesn’t really let you know it’s asleep but an owl, well an owl simply roosts in his tree and listens to what is going on around him. Its all in the posture you see.

So to one and all a very good night, I’m taking this aching body and hoping to rest.

May you all have a good one too.

Bright Blessings,

Susan xx

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This is going to be brief and to the point.  That should have anyone who knows me laughing since  nothing is ever “to the point”. It always seems there are so many other ideas which pop into my head, equally good to explain the point I want to get across.

Yet tonight I’m full of jungle juice and cortisone.  A madman with a bongo drum is playing with feverish speed and driving me out of peacefulness. I am hanging onto the beauty of the day, but I’d like to do it justice tomorrow when the keys stay where they are meant to be. I know ‘all days can’t be diamonds” the same as “all days can’t be dross”. but lack of sleep and well you already have the picture, makes for a ‘muddle headed wombat”.

Enjoy my music clip…. I wish I was up there in the “Danger Zone”…. oh what a wonderful ride that would be. Hmm.


“It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before… to test your limits… to break through barriers.” –   Anais Nin


The fairy dust of sleep and drugs are calling…..  Courage, come fly with me into the Danger Zone.

Ciao, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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After deciding to take a few days off and really get into the healing mode I found myself totally exhausted. It was almost as though, having given myself permission to rest, my body and mind took a complete holiday.

For the past decade I’ve been sleeping no more than a couple of hours each night so I was almost  unaware of the sleep deprived state I was in.  I’ve slept more in the past three days than for several months!

I awoke after a solid twelve hours only to find my eyes more gummed shut than open. I would take my medicine (I couldn’t get away from that!), drink my tea and then I’d be asleep again. That was my routine, semi conscious, drink, eat toast, sleep and repeat.

My husband would reappear to get me to eat toast later and then I would be asleep again. He wasn’t worried, but  by the third day I was getting worried.

Of course, not doing anything much (just healing!)  I wasn’t very hungry either.  Yet food is essential and in one of my half-dazed sorties into semi wakefulness I reminisced about making the kids “cup o soup” on cold winter afternoons when they came home from school. That seemed like a really good idea.

Cupboards searched my husband found a packet of “Seafood Bisque” if I was interested. Hmmm. Just the ticket. In my semi wakeful state I didn’t notice how long it took, just that it felt to be taking longer than I anticipated.  It tasted terrific – I hadn’t realised how hungry I really was. Strange how the croutons were so soggy though!

It wasn’t until today that I found out why. I had warned him that he needed to really stir it well because it was a creamy variety. I didn’t think to mention it had croutons though. So he stirred and saw some lumps, stirred some more and still saw the lumps. Beat the hell out of it and still saw the lumps. Then he put on his glasses and read….”with croutons”.  Beautiful smooth soup and soggy croutons explained.  One lump or two anyone?

And all for Love!

“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”
Mother Teresa

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image from duskyshadow.blogspot.com It’s hard to see the light when you feel oppressed by the darkness.

Life is filled with unanswered questions, but it is the courage to seek those answers that continues to give meaning to life. You can spend your life wallowing in despair, wondering why you were the one who was led towards the road strewn with pain, or you can be grateful that you are strong enough to survive it.”   J.D. Stroube, Caged by Damnation

There are twelve days to go until Christmas and I have  begun to reflect on the past year.  It has been a crazy year, at times a crappy year, sometimes insanely fabulous, filled with enormous highs and unplumbed lows, this year more lows than highs it seems. There were times when I didn’t think I would make it and yet, underneath all that, I knew I had to, I had no choice. I have several very important reasons why failure is not an option, why the ongoing struggle must continue no matter what, and they are and have been constant for many years now, but I will admit it becomes harder and harder each time I feel knocked to the ground again.

Last Christmas I was in a state of total overwhelm.  I was trying to pack, look for a new place to live (at Christmas of all times), continue to work in a cramped space and get everything ready to produce that once a year treat, Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, lots of love and of course gifts.  There were difficulties with getting money paid which was owing to us, knowing that if it didn’t make it in time it wasn’t going to come through until well into the New Year.  The fact that it was a substantial amount, dragging on for months, didn’t make the situation easier to handle.   It was not an auspicious way to bring the New Year in, but I managed to keep that from everyone and we had a fabulous day. I simply collapsed after they left. A four-hour visit after a marathon effort – who decides if it’s worth the effort? Broke and needing to move, not able to physically move much, I questioned my sanity on a daily basis. Of course, there is much more to this story, many more things which added to the mounting stress, and there were times I felt I would have sold my soul to have someone to talk to. It’s all the other “stuff” left unsaid which pushed me to the brink.

image from christmas.lovetoknow.com The ultimate indulgence. I wonder what it is really like?

Of course, as my doctor warned me, stress and tension are no good for me – or anyone else, and my back was telling me just that, thanks to the car accidents I had  been involved in.  Movement of any kind was agonising, bands of intense pain lanced through me each time I moved. Even trying to rest in bed was impossible, since stillness simply allowed the muscles to seize completely. I questioned the sanity of continuing the struggle, disgusted with my ‘failure’ to overcome this obstacle, so I continually searched for some enlightenment or explanation which might help.  I was lost in a dense forest, dark and lonely and desperate for answers. I was drowning under the weight of the circumstances and exhausted from fighting to find a way forward.

image from deborahswift.blogspot.com It’s not the night which is dark, it’s the despair in your soul. The despair comes from the deep longing to find that light at the end of the tunnel.

I was planning my wedding, struggling with unpacking, trying to work and get all the arrangements in place for May. I had chosen my mothers birthday since she had passed away and I knew it would bring her closer to me at that time.  It is still a raw wound, one I have no idea how to begin to heal, my mother, my best friend, and when I believed I had finally found my corner of heaven she wasn’t here to share it with. Oh, I know, in spirit they were here, but their physical presence, the ability to talk things through with them….Time, a great healer I am told, is scant comfort.

Perhaps I’m too stubborn by nature but failure was not an option and I had no-one I could call on to help. In this day and age it seems strange to admit that. It was a beautiful day. My dress was all I could have hoped for, my daughter, as my attendant was beautiful and my son gave me away – looking so strong and tall. The groom and his son (best man) were just as resplendent, but then I am biased. It was the only highlight of my year.

Avalon Gardens

So what happened after that?  The ongoing struggle financially began to erode my self-confidence and despair crept in.  I found  the blog of someone I admire greatly and I took it to be a sign, the one I had been asking for. It became a challenge to read her blogs every day. How on earth did she manage to write every day I wondered when some days I couldn’t string together two coherent thoughts?

Some days I found it hard to get myself together before mid afternoon. What incentive was there to do otherwise?  I thought no-one would want to read my “dark and twisty’ thoughts, and they were all that consumed me, all that I could see.  I followed a gratitude challenge and kept going.  It had started to life that dark cloud and I was  grateful for all it was teaching me, mindfulness, being present, unconditional love, amazing insights each day. A way out of the dark labyrinth I thought.

I started blogging a long time later. It began as a challenge for me, since I didn’t believe I could do it, and ironically, I didn’t think anyone else would want to hear what I was saying.  I needed an outlet for what I was thinking and feeling. I was tired of the never-ending struggle to sleep, wake, find that motivation to do something, even an interest in doing something.  I needed to feel what I was doing was making a small difference somewhere, in some small way. It was an attempt to find the light inside me and share it with others. I’m not sure if I have been successful with that yet.

image from bloggergeeze.com The urge to blog

Christmas is so difficult. My father passed away on January 2nd and that last Christmas was so hard. Sitting by his bedside, alone at the end was something I will never forget.  Then, the cycle repeated with my mother and my last anchor was gone. Now, I had to be the sole “stanchion” in my family, for the sake of my children and my brothers. The cracks appeared. I could see them, feel them, but I had become very good at “painting on my face” and putting on a good front, papering over the cracks.  I was told I was “unemotional and cold” because I couldn’t cry at her funeral. My tears were dammed up inside.  They still are in large part. Perhaps the truth is that the dam is finally breaking under the strain.

So, once again, what happened to the fairytale?  So much and since it’s not just “my story” it makes it difficult knowing what to write. There is so much it would be another blog in itself.  Although it is a part of why I’ve lost my tenuous grasp on who I am and why I’m here. Whatever the reason I’ve slipped, my roller coaster has fallen off its rails and the forest has enmeshed me in its thorny bushes and if I cry I’m not sure I can stop.

Sometimes, honest people are hard to find, especially in the finance game.  Licensees can be pariahs and this one is withholding thousands of dollars. Money which was earned after a lot of hard work, money they take 10% off the top of and then almost $2000 a month for the privilege of being under their license. Why? Because they can under a pretext and here we are again, after a hard years exhausting work,  “on the bones of our asses” trying to find money just to pretend Christmas is still Christmas.  I’m not sure if we will even have anywhere to live after the next couple of weeks. I’m tired of the never ending struggle.

image from proactiveinvestors.com.au

I desperately need to hear another voice, someone to let me know I’m not really insane, we will “make it through the night”, but I’m terribly good at scaring people off.  I’m even better at not asking for help, a lesson someone taught me many years ago when I was young and impressionable and found that asking for help gave them the power to use that to hurt you more deeply that you thought possible.  Of course, the one person who matters most I can’t ask. Well I can and have but I knew the answer before it came.  I need an outside perspective, but is that possible? I don’t know the answer to that any longer either.

image from funnycutestuff.com Everyone needs a hug

At the end of the day we must, I must, believe in something. I choose to believe this!  And this is the closest I can come to my tenuous hold on life. I crave to feel the warmth and love from “my puppy”, to love unconditionally, who will always be there, always loving and never hurting. My last dog passed away at age 17 and a half.

My logical self is telling me this is the wrong time to post this. My heart tells me I have to. I apologise for the hopelessness I feel flowing from these words.  I hope someone out there is listening.

Two qualities are indispensable: first, an intellect that, even in the darkest hour, retains some glimmerings of the inner light which leads to truth; and second, the courage to follow this faint light wherever it may lead.  Karl Von Clausewitz

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dreaming lady

image courtesy of waking-up.org

“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.”
T.E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of Wisdom: A Triumph


I am so very grateful for my dreams as they bring me solutions I cannot find when I am awake and hopes and plans for the future I want to make.  They bring light and life, colour and hope when things seem dark and bleak. They reassure me that the morning will come and all things are possible to those who dream, even day dreamers.


There are so many people who with absolute certainty, will tell you that they do not dream.  What they are really saying is that they do not remember their dreams. I’m certain of this because the sub conscious is never asleep, it continues to process everything which has happened, not only during the day just past but also from days long gone. As our subconscious tries to find solutions or explanations for whatever has occurred during that day, it draws on the vast store of information we have accumulated.


Our bodies are amazing organisms. In the course of one hour, let alone one day, millions of processes are performed to enable us to do what we want or need to do.  The powerhouses of these processes are the heart and the brain. Without one the other cannot function, a brain without a heart dies, a heart without a brain, a breathing but unknowing organism.  Without dreams, we would go insane.  It’s like a master computer mainframe on a maintenance pattern,  if the backup is incomplete the computer malfunctions.  Not an analogy I like but it seems apt and accurate.

brain as a computer

image courtesy of shinyshiny.tv


Tim Berners-Lee said: “Let’s use the internet as a giant brain”.  

So the idea is hardly new.


So what happens when someone either cannot sleep or whose sleep is so interrupted they cannot reach that deep  rem pattern where dreams occur?  In extreme cases I’ve heard of people going insane.  Insomnia is the bane of modern society as the pressure of doing more in less time stresses so many that they lose the ability to relax.


At present I almost envy those who are able to meditate easily, relax at will and sleep soundly with the peace of small  children.  I say almost because I realise envy is a useless emotion, gaining no-one anything.  Yet I cannot help but dream of finding out what it feels like to relax, meditate with ease and sleep the sleep of the innocent.

meditating in bliss

image courtesy of wedharma.com

This is one of my favourite pictures of someone blissfully meditating in a beautiful place. It’s one of the places “I go” to meditate and relax, or at least try to.  Sometimes it comes easy and sometimes it slips through my fingers like drops of water into a pond, unable to be held.


Today I need my blissful retreat and have found only droplets of water trickling through my fingers.  It feels as though the “weight of the world” lies heavy on my shoulders and whilst I know this is an exaggeration, it is hard to find that “attitude of gratitude” I’ve been cultivating like a tender seedling for so long.  What disappoints me most is that it should disappear so easily. I will bounce back, I always do, and I will continue my gratitude journal since I have found so many more things I had previously not considered to be grateful for. This is a beautiful thing.


“You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.” – Sarah Ban Breathnach


I am designing my order for a delightful dream. I will start it off before I fall asleep and my subconscious will embroider something far better than I could have imagined.  My “Dream Catcher”  hanging over my bed will keep those unsettling thoughts far away and tomorrow will be a bright, new and optimistic day.


I look at the beautiful orchids my husband brought home for me, without words saying “I love you, I’m here for you and I will slay the dragons if they appear in your dreams”.  Love is such a wonderful and powerful gift. I have been truly blessed.

image courtesy of someone dreaming
image courtesy of  hweiming.com

“The appearance of things change according to the emotions and thus we see magic and beauty in them, while the magic and beauty really are in ourselves”- Kahlil Gibran.

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“For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or the present are certain to miss the future. “
John F. Kennedy

secret of success


I’ve been giving this a great deal of thought of late.  What is it that drives so many people to travel the world? If you asked, most would say they want to experience another lifestyle, another culture, to see new places and experience new things.  So, if that is the case, what is wrong with the life they are living that they need to travel outside their normal everyday lives to find the excitement and adventure they crave?


In a large part I believe it is a dissatisfaction with the life they are currently living, but what is that? In my opinion, I believe it is not BEing present in their own day-to-day lives.  They miss the beauty of the sunrise or sunset, they fail to see the smile from someone they helped across the street, they forgot the simple pleasure of hearing “thank you’ from someone for whom  they did something, or even the smile from a blind person who is collecting from his usual place on the footpath.  They have forgotten to BE present in their own lives and have forgotten to notice what is happening around themselves.

Rachel Leahcar

image courtesy of rsb.org.au


Recently we watched as Rachael Leahcar, technically blind, wowed audiences night after night with her incredible singing on  “The Voice”. She was inspirational, and it struck me then that if she can remain so happy and cheerful, upbeat and looking forward to an incredible future with her challenges, then  what is stopping the rest of us from doing the same thing?  We don’t have her challenges. Admittedly we may have our own, some smaller, perhaps some larger.  To me, and for me, it became a matter of degree. Almost “Six degrees of Separation“.


Six Degrees of Separation

image courtesy of njnnetwork.com


Let me explain.  To my way of thinking we are all given choices, both before we are born and after.  It is only my belief, although shared by many others, that we decide on the way in which we will learn the life lessons we have been born to learn.  We choose the good experiences and the bad. Sounds crazy to some I know, but how would you explain why two apparently similar lives can turn out so vastly different?  This can even relate to two identical twins, identical in all respects but their lives can be totally different; one has ‘all the luck’ and makes a huge success, money,  travel,  you name it they have it, whilst the other, seems destined for all the bad breaks and never makes ‘a go of it’.


I know that they have chosen to learn different lessons this time round and the lessons are presented to them in ways they have agreed to but cannot recall. The things they learn along the way will be vastly different. Neither is right or wrong, they simply are.  The same thing applies to our families and friends. How we respond to our challenges depends on the way we integrate our lessons into our lives.  It depends on how we dream our way through our lives.  Strange concept.  Our dreams are incredibly important.  Studies have shown that people who have bad sleep patterns, who cannot sleep for long periods, who fail to get into the deep dream state, (theta brainwaves),  approach each day, every experience in a different manner to those who have abundant sleep and dreams.  They are carrying an extra ‘ball and chain’ around with them that they don’t need.


man with ball and chain

image courtesy of ehow.com


When we dream, consciously or in our sub conscious as we sleep, we  integrate all we have learned from the day with what we have already learned previously. It adds to sum total of our experiences.  When we wake we automatically put all these things into play.  Our behaviours has been ‘modified’ by the new experiences we have ‘recorded’ and how it has effected the sum total of who we are.  Sounds cool? I think so. We have the power to shape how we respond to the days happenings and how they are integrated into our  ‘knowledge base’.  I choose to take the positive experience out of any negative that may occur and turn it to my advantage.  It takes a little work, okay, perhaps at times a lot of work, but in the end it is worth every second.  I have chosen to join with like-minded people who support and mentor me and I know have the benefit of a greater outlook on life than I previously had.


So, if you can’t rewrite your crappy day, write your dream before you get to bed and dream a dream of a beautiful day where everything is marvellous and wonderful and you have a fantastic time.  I guarantee that when you wake up you will feel on top of the world and the approaching day will  be no trouble at all.  If you’ve included your work day, then I wouldn’t  be surprised if many of the dream scenarios didn’t turn out precisely as you dreamed them.  It sounds great doesn’t it?  So, dial-up your dream day, date, holiday, job, whatever it is, and ask the Universe to please deliver it to you.  Then sit back and watch it all unfold. It may not be exactly as  ordered, the higher powers sometimes give you something even better.


happy smiling woman in bed

image courtesy of weheartit.com

waking up happy

image courtesy of footage.shutterstock.com

So dream your dream day, your dream life and see what happens. I’m going to do the same now.  Happy dream scripting.   My dream will make the world go round….  a world trip I think.  Wonderful.

  “Every human being has a work to carry on within, duties to perform abroad, influence to exert, which are peculiarly his, and which no conscience but his own can teach.” ~ William Ellery Channing

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The feeling of sleepiness when you are not in bed, and can’t get there, is the meanest feeling in the world.” Edgar Watson Howe


can't sleep

image courtesy of smallbiztrends.com


There is something incredibly wonderful about being able to fall asleep at the end of a long day.  It is a well-known fact that to operate at ones best we need between six and eight hours sleep every night. That is each and every night.  So now I have a confession to make, my sleep  deficit schedule is so far overdrawn it would take me years to bring it back into the black! I seriously envy those people who can lay their head on the pillow and be asleep in moments. (My husband being one of them).  How does this happen and why, oh why can I not do the same?  I don’t resent them being able to do this, I simply wish I could emulate them.


I suppose, if I am honest, that I have never been what might be called a ‘good sleeper’. Even as a child I can remember laying awake for hours, making stories up in my head to while away the time until I finally would fall asleep.  As I grew older I can vividly remember hanging out of my bedroom window so that I ould look up at the night sky and picking out the constellations, depending on what time of year it was.  Of course being in the UK meant  that it was light for much longer, but the evenings and nights were beautiful all the same.   There was a peacefulness which was apparent as I gazed around and listened to the slumbering sounds of the ‘city’.   I didn’t really live ‘in’ the city but on its outskirts. We often spent the weekends strolling through Bronte country at the edge of Haworth Moor.


The difficulty of course, is that back then I didn’t feel tired – ever! I lived on a ‘diet’ of a few hours sleep and was on the go non stop through the day, which is somewhat of a misnomer since I would be on the go day or night. Even as an adult, with a family of my own, I was never one to spend long hours sleeping.  I could bound out of bed and be working at warp speed all day without ill effect. My children often tell me now, that going ‘shopping’ with me was torture because they would need to run to keep up with me as I charged through the day.  At the time I had no idea.  Strange how these things are brought home to roost later on.


people rushing around

image courtesy of colourbox.com


Truthfully, it was never a problem for me because I could get everything done I needed to and have time to spare for myself, to do those things which I wouldn’t be able to if I didn’t rush around. I was  almost obsessive about filling up every moment of the day. I was a keen craft person,  constantly handling several projects at once, depending on how I felt at the time. I did tapestries, crochet projects and cross stitch to name a few. I never did get the hang of tatting though. My home is filled with framed tapestries and cross stitch works and I have a cupboard filled with crochet mats and covers of all kinds, shapes and sizes.


Perhaps therein lies the secret. I was relaxed whilst I was doing these hobbies.  Not only was I relaxed whilst I did them, I could watch TV if I chose, have conversations with anyone  and even help the kids with their homework.  It occupied my hands but left my mind free to concentrate elsewhere.  Multi tasking became second nature, in fact I rarely thought about it being odd to juggle so many things at once. It’s only been in recent  times that ‘being present’ has brought home to me how far from that I was in those days.


So what caused the change?  A simple car accident! I suffered no more than a simple whiplash. Let no one ever tell you a whiplash is simple. Thirteen years later and I’ve just undergone treatments which brought tears to my eyes to relieve the pain. I went from sleeping soundly, when I did go to sleep, to being unable to lay in bed comfortably at all. I lay awake by the hour, uncomfortable and unable to distract myself. My time-honoured practises to wind down, my hobbies, had been taken from me also, since my neck injury prevented me from bending my neck for any length of time at all.  It took all my energy to force myself through each working day, get the essentials done at home and try to steel myself towards that moment when I had to go to bed.  I counted sheep. I listened to meditation ‘music’ as well as the guided meditations. I bought the CD’s with the binaural beat, guaranteed to give you a good nights rest, all without any success at all. Not even the smallest degree of success. I still couldn’t relax because it was uncomfortable in bed or out, and I haven’t to this day been able to lay on my side again.


car crash

image courtesy of annarbor.com


My daughter jokes that I’m the only person she knows who can get out of bed and have the bed look as though no – one has been in it. I simply do not move during the night!  Is it any wonder I don’t sleep well, if I sleep at all?  It’s frustrating to say the least. I have to wait until I’m so exhausted sleep finally comes for me, broken though it will be because there are too many things the day needs to see me accomplish. “Time and Tide waits for no man” said Shakespeare.  How true. In due time I know I’ll be able to get back into a regular sleep pattern, but at present I am still struggling, and feeling frustrated with myself. It does help with the writing though!


It’s now well and truly daylight. I’ve watched the sun come up, which in itself is a treat. I’ve watched my bush pheasant scuttle across my garden, the doves playing at the pool’s edge and the heron take a few drinks from the pool since the dam had finally dried up.  I’m very lucky there are some benefits to my sleeplessness, although I will gladly come to an accommodation so that I can see my early morning treats and still get sufficient sleep to prevent me from turning into  sleep deprived zombie each day!  So off I go to snooze a little, and then hit the day at a run – hopefully. Journal time first thugh!  Have a glorious day – it certainly looks like it will be from this vantage point.


at peace with oneself

image courtesy of personaldevelopment123.net


“Time is the reef upon which all our frail mystic ships are wrecked”
Sir Noel Coward Blithe Spirit

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