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Posts Tagged ‘soul growth’

image from atelier-ad.blogspot.com     It feels like a never-ending search.

“Home is the place that goes where you go, yet it welcomes you upon your return. Like a dog overjoyed at the door. We’ve missed you is what you hear, no matter how long you’ve been gone.”                                     MICHAEL J. ROSEN, Home

Ever since I came to Australia I have heard people talking about “The Great Australian Dream“,  the dream of course to own ones own home.  As far as dreams go it is totally understandable, though today it is becoming harder than ever to attain.  In reality it was probably one of the reasons my parents wanted to come to Australia all those years ago.  “Australia, The Land of Opportunity”,  the chance to be able to have a home of their own and offer a greater opportunity to their children to have a better life than they felt they could have ‘back in the old country’. Times were changing and the brightness of Australia beckoned to many.

Since nothing ever remains static, dreams change as much as people. The dreams of having your own house back when my parents were young is vastly different to the dreams of today’s generation. The “old” Queenslander, which would have been a wonder in those days has become a huge, four (at least) bedroom mansion. I suppose its all relative really, and who am I to say anyone is right or wrong since I have jumped on the bandwagon yet again. URGH!

As of a few days ago when we decided a move was indicated, we have begun the planning process.  Where to, what sort of house, how much land, the services available, which area to move to, and that’s all before the hard work begins.  Part of the hard work, for me at least, is trudging through so many houses until you find one which ‘fits’. We have a list we always use. It has been honed over time to cover everything we could want or need in the home we want, right down to power points and if there are enough cupboards and drawers in the kitchen – VERY important if you want to be able to do anything.

image from atelier-ad.blogspot.com They really do breed if you take your eyes away from them for a second!

Packing! A necessary evil – at least to me.  Days or weeks of packing boxes, tape, labels, paper cuts from the packing paper, and woe betide you if you forget to correctly label a box!  The very first move I ever made, a pure novice, everything seemed to go wrong.  I forgot to label everything down to the last detail. OK  I forgot to put any labels on the boxes.  I had boxes coming out of my ears in some rooms and none in others and not one in the right room! Everything had to be opened to try to find anything at all, and then move it to its real home. As a result it was hours before we could find something to use to for a drink, and let’s not think of a cup of tea or coffee – the kettle went into hiding! I couldn’t recall what had gone into any of the boxes, it was like a lottery – and there was no winner.  That is just the beginning.  After the unpacking has been done and you have hopefully managed to find ‘homes’ for all your things after they have been carefully washed again, you realise you cannot remember where anything is! I needed tracking devices to locate anything. Now that is an idea – I wonder if anyone knows where I can get some?

That is where I am at this moment, in the process of moving house, of packing boxes, wrapping everything in paper which always cuts my fingers one by one. OH NO! – OH YES!  To this day there are still some things we cannot find. Perhaps when we pack this time we might find them? Who knows. Time is running out and I desperately need to find somewhere to move to, somewhere which ticks off the majority of, if not all the boxes on my list. You know, THE LIST, which, if I can get it right will mean I have found my dream home, the one which fulfils all our needs and from which I will not have to move again.

image from oneplanetimages.com There, I knew it existed somewhere.

So, as you can guess, we’d like a place in the country. It has turned out to be a deal breaker, in fact they seem to be as scarce as hens teeth.  It must be somewhere that we can work from home, so both phone, internet and hopefully mobile access. Not too far from  a post office for mail access. Deciphering real estate jargon makes it even more difficult.  For example, this might be what we are looking for and have seen in the ad .

image from boutique-homes.com

When we get there , whilst charming, this is what we find.  (OK, literary license  has been taken here.)

Really though, the real description might say:

  • “a home with space, it has ‘x’ number of square metres under roof – which means – they have counted all the covered verandahs, car ports (not garages) and any covered walkways or external entertainment areas.   Is it possible to use any of that for a home office?  No way, so what it doesn’t say is the house may be enough for a single person but it has loads of covered areas outside or around it.
  • “it has charm and character” or “a little TLC is needed” – which means – it’s antiquated and may be held up by a few rusty nails. (see above).
  • “close to all amenities” – which means – it’s really on a major road and the constant noise would drive you insane, and deaf!
  • “the bedrooms are ‘spacious’ or ‘generous’ in size – which means – you might be able to fit a small bed in but forget anything close to a double bed unless you want a hernia.
  • “it has air conditioning” – which means – one room has a miniscule and ancient mover of air and the windows open in the rest of the house.
  • “it has 2+ car spaces under lock” – which means – there is  lock on the front gate of the property and a rickety roof over the cars, if you are lucky.
  • “country living at it’s best” – which means – possibly no garbage collection no phone coverage and unlikely to have internet access.

The list can go on and yes, I have chosen extreme examples just for fun, although some of them are not too far wide of the mark.   I don’t need a mansion, although it might be nice, yet I don’t want to spend forever cleaning it.  I really, really would love a place in the country but I have to be able to work from there, so it has to have all the accessories I mentioned.  A creek would be nice, but not so that I will be flooded out if there is a minor shower. I’d prefer not to share my home with poisonous snakes, but I guess I’m a chicken, then again maybe not, I’d certainly be dinner for them!

So what is it that I want which I find so hard to find? What is on my “Bucket List?”

A place with room to breathe, fresh air and somewhere to walk on my property.  Something of a reasonable size I can work from home comfortably in with phone and internet access. Peace and tranquility – oh yes – it would be marvellous to wake up and go to sleep to the sounds of the bush each day.

There is a place out there for me, which meets all the dot points more or less. I know it, I simply need to find it and soon, before the lease expires or I go insane.  I really hate moving.  After this I will only move one more time – to the house I build on acreage which will then have everything I want in it or on it.  It’s all there on my dream board which I look at every morning when I wake up and each night before I go to sleep, so as you can tell, it has been a goal for a while. I want to stay in one place, my idyllic place and put down roots.

My home is my castle, my refuge and my sanctuary. I will be so grateful on the day I find it or build it. I will be eternally grateful to the Universe when this dream comes true.  I’m following my instinct here and know I’m mindful that everything has to happen at the right time.  I will have my dream home with room to breath fresh air, walk in the country, hear the birdsong, perhaps a burbling brook somewhere, where peace and tranquility will soothe my heart and soul and my health will recover and there is time and space for my soul to grow.

So, if you know just the place for me, just let me know, I would be so very grateful.

image from sothebysrealty.com Yes, it really does exist somewhere.

“Do you know how hard it is to make a home?… That’s something that a woman does from inside herself. You do it in the face of all sorts of opposition. Husbands are very appreciative when it works out well. But they’re not that anxious to help. It’s understandable. They don’t know how.”

SAMUEL R. DELANY, Dhalgren

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Ray, Mum New Year Eve 2011, Moruya

They “year” began with New Years Eve at Ray’s parents in Moruya.  A beautiful day and night set the tone for the year to come.  It was a wonderful few days, seeing the sights – a finding a great little crystal shop. Needless to say I came home with bags of crystals. (We drove or it wouldn’t have been possible).

Tawny Frogmouth

A Tawny Frogmouth let himself be known early on and has been a visitor ever since.  We have at least four different owls living in the area, from a Powerful Owl, the Frogmouth and what looks like a Barn Owl, plus a very reclusive one we hear often but haven’t managed to get a good photo of yet.

Owls being my favourite birds, it was a real blessing seeing one so soon after we moved into our new home.

Presented to the guests, husband and wife

Presented to the guests, husband and wife

May was a brilliant month, and after months of preparation our wedding went off superbly. Here we are presented for the first time as Mr and Mrs  Jamieson, can you tell how happy we were – and are.  I’ve restrained myself to one photo, it’s hard to know which ones to use and there are so many!

Natalie and Christopher   Couldn’t pass the day up without showing off how fabulous my son and daughter looked on the day either.

One of my favourite gifts came from my husband shortly before we were to go away, a Nikon 150 camera. It is fantastic and even an amateur like me can get some marvellous shots. Most of all it made it super easy to have something to remember all the marvellous things which happened throughout the year.  A few lessons and I might make a reasonable photographer!

The Little Blowhole at Kiama, dodging salt spray to get a good picture.

The Little Blowhole at Kiama, dodging salt spray to get a good picture.

We had been so busy during the year that we hadn’t had a break – even after the wedding, so we spent a glorious week at Kiama, exploring the area and having a well-earned rest.  The Blowholes were in fine form and we saw lots of whales passing by.  Here’s the best picture we managed to get of the whales passing.

Occasionally I wished for a super zoom on my camera so I could get more photos – they really are beautiful creatures.

Humpback passing Kiama whilst we were there.

I found Nicole’s blog and became motivated to get back on track with my spiritual growth. It has been a wonderful year of rediscovery and discovery of new exciting things.

Full Moon Ceremony Aug 31 2012 (Copy)Thanks to Nicole we had a fantastic ceremony provided for the Blue Moon in August.  This was taken just after the “Releasing Ceremony” and the crystals were in the bowls of water. The next night we had a “Becoming Ceremony”  which finalised the entire ritual. It was an awesome feeling and really made us feel great.  My blogging journey began shortly after this.  Reading and writing have always been passions, now they are intertwined beautifully.

Cutting the birthday cake

With lots of work in between we went back to Moruya to celebrate my father in law’s 80th birthday bash in October.  It was a beautiful day and night – in fact they outdid the younger guests. It seems stamina comes with age!   The cake was superb, it was only spoiled by the fact we couldn’t bring any home with us!

Coffs Harbour, Crystsl Castle and home 034

On the way home we stopped at Coffs Harbour for the night and the next day were greeted by this beautiful water dragon on the decking near the water feature. He was so tame he let us get really close. Obviously very used to all the visitors, he’s probably quite the model by now!  See he even gave us a good pose for the camera.Getting friendly with the neighbours horse2012 022 (Copy)

Back home we were back hard at work but love to take a walk around the garden at the end of the day.  Here the neighbours horse came over to say hello and was really friendly.  My first ‘kiss’ from a horse – strangely enough it was a special moment for me and I’m blessed Ray got the photo and so filled with gratitude that the horse was so  friendly.

Ray hard at work, surprissed by the camera!

I’d love to know the identity of this little fellow but just love his colouring.

Blue flash honey eater

We have lots of honey eaters visiting with the flowering trees. Some like this fellow seem totally oblivious to our presence and let us snap away merrily as he feeds. His colouring is ‘electric’!

Kookaburra ready for a dip in the pool

We were graced by a family of kookaburra who came down several times a day to take a dip in our pool as the weather became hotter.  They made lots of noise but it was worth it.  Occasionally there would be a line up of all the different birds waiting to take a dip. It was really funny watching them take off one by one and then ruffling their feathers out as they waited their next turn.

Water Dragon sunning himself on our garden seat

We were surprised and pleased to find another water dragon sunning himself at home.  When he was in the pool area I “chased” him around the pool  – from the upstairs balcony, to get some photos of him. It was so funny seeing me trying to run around to capture a good shot. As soon as I had him in focus he would take off again after some other tidbit he’d spied.

Christmas surprises

Christmas seemed to arrive so quickly. It was a special time for us – the first one as a married couple (old-fashioned isn’t it?) and getting the decorating done together with the family coming down to celebrate Christmas Day together. We were grateful we could all be together and Ray and I felt blessed that our family could get together when so many couldn’t.

Full Moon 30th December 2012

The last full moon of the year, December 2012.  Even with the inclement weather we were able to get some beautiful photos of the moon through the trees and the weather remained fine for our ceremony.  The meditation from Nicole was a beautiful way to complete a wonderful year.

As always we are mindful that not everyone has been as fortunate as ourselves. Like most people we have had our ups and downs. At times it felt as though the downs were holding mired in one place for far too long, but 2013 will be a wonderful year – for everyone.  Throughout 2012 we have tried to remain mindful of what has been happening for us, being present at the important events was easy, how could we not. Being present when things were tough was harder, but we managed and it felt very heart centered in being able to do that. Ill health has been a drag but I’m hoping that with a new move, hopefully to a place with some space around it will give me the right atmosphere to get on top of things.  Country life seems to beckon.

For myself, the unconditional love I have been so grateful to find with Ray has made this a wonderful, love filled year. Heart centered and soul centered, we have felt the growing and stretching of our soul growth throughout the good times and the hard times.  We have also felt, and been awed by the presence of spirit, our loved ones who are no longer with us – in the flesh at least. It has made each special occasion that little bit more extraordinary and that is something I am incredibly grateful for.

The records for 2013 are now about to begin!

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Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.    Ralph Waldo Emerson

HAPPY 2013 EVERYONE.                                              Blessings and stay safe.

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image from fwallpapers.com

“In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.”    Deitrich Bonhoeffer

It seems appropriate that whilst I wrote about “12 Days of Christmas – Gratitude Style”, that it should be remembered after all the Christmas festivities have finished, that gratitude is not something which is only to be thought of then but throughout the year and for many different reasons.

image from theclassywoman.blogspot.com

Christmas day dawned bright and early at our home – perhaps too early for someone who isn’t sleeping very well, but it was a special day and what’s the loss of a little more sleep?  The anticipation of having my son and daughter visit was, as always, tempered by the knowledge that my parents would not be there, nor could I see them. My parents have passed over and despite the passage of time it feels like yesterday and the wounds are still raw.

It was brought home even more by the shooting in the US – so many wasted lives.  The private tears I shed and the prayers I said were for all those souls and their families as well as for myself. Yet for all that, I felt incredibly selfish. Here I was with my beautiful family and I was mourning the loss of my parents with whom I had shared so many beautiful memories of this time and others.  But, I am only human, and this is what humans do. I feel blessed to have my children with me on Christmas day, or any other, and grateful that I shared so many glorious ones with my parents, and they with their grandchildren. Yes, I have been blessed.

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I know that grief has its seasons, from the raw and open wounds of its beginnings to the calm and soothed eve of acceptance. I also know that we can revisit these many times over.  Strangely I am grateful that I feel so intensely for those I have and those I have lost, and those of whom I know nothing at all beyond what I have seen and read,  since it means, to me at least, that my heart is full of love for everyone and full of gratitude for their presence in my life.

image from 100smilechallenge.wordpress.com

Especially in my prayers and thoughts are all those who serve our countries and lose their lives.  The many soldiers, sailors, firefighters, ambulance officers, policemen and women, nurses, doctors, and even the bus drivers, train drivers, teachers, people who give their time so that others may enjoy themselves – even the call centre operators who work on the telephones that we may talk with loved ones far away over the festive season. I am humbly thankful for their efforts and grateful for what they do for us.  I cannot thank them all, I only wish I could.

image from naturallyearthfriendly.com

Christmas Day is only one day though and gratitude continues every day. The development of the “Attitude of Gratitude” is something we can all practice each and every day and make our world a more beautiful place, and in this place and space I thank and am grateful for each person who reads this who may perhaps be moved to think of others and be grateful also.  In such a way can we “Pay it Forward“.

image from stopeatingyourheartout.com

For those with no home, living on the streets despite the weather, I pray for them also, sending them love and light and praying that the glow of warmth I feel in my heart may somehow keep them a little warmer, more loved than before.  I am truly grateful for my home, my family and that we can gather together at any time. Love and family are my treasures.

image from theprovince.com

Love and gratitude can be found everywhere – even amongst our beautiful creatures. The bonds of love and family are as close for them as it can be for us. I am grateful for the beauty of nature, the glorious sights I can see and the love I can feel between two incredible creatures. We have all been blessed to be able to see such wonderful images captured if not in fact.

image from mindfulnessmuse.com

This is a simple message, that we may all be grateful for the treasures we have.  My hope that, despite the challenges we face, the hopelessness we may feel, that we may turn the corner from the darkness into the light and remember how much we have to be grateful for.

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”     ― Thornton Wilder

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image from comments.funmunch.com Where would we be without friendship?

“Somehow, not only for Christmas, But all the long year through, The joy that you give to others, Is the joy that comes back to you. And the more you spend in blessing, The poor and lonely and sad, The more of your heart’s possessing, Returns to you glad.” — John Greenleaf Whittier

There are so many ideas on what Christmas “should” mean to everyone. I really don’t like the idea that “should” can enter into the reason why we think, feel believe or do something.  There has to be a more visceral reason behind our thoughts and actions, especially at such a time of year.

I know some people  are of the belief that the ‘true spirit’ of Christmas can only belong to those who are in real need. To some extent that may be true. I feel deeply for the many who will spend their Christmas season in hospitals or care due to ill-health. I won’t categorise the level of need or ill-health since that feels shallow, to me at least.

Is the person terminally ill with cancer any less in need than someone needing a transplant or a heart valve replacement or a small child with an acute allergic reaction needing a respirator to breath? I don’t think so.  Yet there are those who are suffering from any kind of mental disability for whom the very joy around Christmas adds to their depression or malaise.

image from facebook.com Happiness is….

Yet I can understand these people all too well and I am totally grateful that they have a chance to start the New Year better than they finish this one. I pray that is the case, although there is also a measure of sadness in that wish, since for them to be better someone else has to have found a worse ending.  Life is like that; what is given on one hand is also taken away on the other, and who am I to judge?

The other people I think of at this time are those who don’t really fall into this group.  Their ailments seem trivial in comparison and yet they can be as devastating in their own way.

The person with a chronic skin ailment who has to spend all summer hiding from the sunshine whilst the newscasters joyously tell us will be hotter and brighter than the day before. It must be demoralising for them. What about the person in chronic pain, stumbling around their home, trying desperately to get all in order for the ‘big day’ yet knowing that within a relatively few short hours they will be left alone in their pain with none the wiser. These people I also think of and wish an easier time for. These people know that there is no cure for them and cannot, even tenuously, hold onto a hope that help may be around the corner.

image from lessonsinashell.blogspot.com

Yet I have found that I can ‘gift’ to the world. In the same way I can spread gratitude around the world – by intention, then I can also spread love , happiness and friendship around the world – by intention.

I visualise a beautiful rainbow coloured sphere encircling the world, coming from my heart and covering the world. I chose rainbow colours to represent all the chakras, but also to help ‘fill up’ any chakra which was a little flat or empty. After I firmly have this vision of rainbow light covering the world I imagine it showering down on everyone in the world, bringing love, friendship and happiness.  It can also cover love, friendship and understanding for the self as well as for others, and also all the animals, plants, spirits, in fact anyone or thing inhabiting out little planet.

image from facebook.com

This is my small way of giving a gift to everyone on the planet. Of course the gratitude is also there, that I have so many wonderful people to be grateful for; that I have so many creatures on this planet to spread all this to also.  In my own small way I am also blessed because I can help to bring some peace and joy to everyone.

image from fineartamerica.com              Puppy love at it’s best

“It is the personal thoughtfulness, the warm human awareness, the reaching out of the self to one’s fellow man that makes giving worthy of the Christmas spirit.”    – Isabel Currier

May your Christmas be filled with love and laughter, peace and understanding and happiness to fill your heart the whole year through.  Bless ❤

(c) owls and orchids: Susan Jamieson

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image from myfairywallpaper.blogspot.com –

People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

It is impossible to deny, there is both light and dark inside everyone. Each human being, each soul has the ability to perceive both the light and the dark.  This simple fact is explicit in everything we do and say. It provides the balance by which we grow as human beings and as souls in a human body.

There are times when, despite our best endeavors we are overcome by the dark, by “the bleakness”. I first heard this term in a novel I was reading.  In short, a race of people who were warriors, the Aiel,  detested another, the Tinkers,  who followed the ways of peace, who not only turned the other cheek but would sooner die than raise a weapon in their own defense. During a sacred Aiel ceremony, where a man would become either a clan chief or die, or a woman would become a wise one or die, they learned their entire people’s history. What they learned was the peaceful Tinkers were actually the original Aiel people.

Understandably, this sudden turning upside down of their world was overwhelming. Those who were unable to deal with this dropped their weapons and simply walked away. It was described as “being taken by the bleakness”.  For those who recognise the plot, it is from a Robert Jordan series, “The Wheel of Time”. For brevity I have shortened the explanation greatly.

image from    modernmartialartist.com.au

And the symbol used in the book:

image from http://www.comicvine.com

It intrigued me, not only for the magic and abilities of the characters, but for the way the dichotomy between the light and dark within ourselves can be similarly described. It was also interesting that the Yin Yang symbol was adapted to illustrate the light and dark forces at play.

As souls having a human existence we strive to reach the light, to increase its presence in our lives, in our bodies and souls.  We practice drawing the white light of the universe down, through the crown chakra, flooding our body with positive energy and removing any negative energy.

image from soundofheart.org

In meditation I follow this daily, and as a practice in the shower it is soothing and energising.  There are times when I can only reach that feeling of calm whilst I am meditating or showering ( a shower meditation), but the dross of the day sometimes overwhelms me again. It irritates me and I try to remind myself that I am only human, a soul in a human body and I am a long way from perfection. Anyone who knows me will recognise that I have been going through my own form of “the bleakness” of late.

Yet that in itself is also comforting – eventually! I am like a Willow, I will bend before the storm but I will not break like the mighty Oak. We draw our inspiration from strange places, places which are important to each of us but may have no relevance to another.We have to acknowledge our dark side, those undercurrents of “bleakness” so that we are able to see the light in all its glory when it occurs, just like the sunlight after a storm.

It is a measure of our soul growth that, in the midst of chaos and despair we still strive for the light.

Like a protagonist in any battle we often feel thrown from one extreme stance to another. It is somewhat like being a tennis ball or a basket ball, any ball in sport, we are tossed, seemingly at whim to and fro until we are unsure where up or down is.  I know that anyone reading yesterdays blog will wonder if the same person is writing this. Change can happen quickly or not, a slow return or smashing volley.

image from http://www.odt.co.nz – The Nadal, Federer match.

Like a small bud opening to the suns first rays, we are small and fragile but can open to be a beautiful bloom. Even though our ‘life’ may be short there are more buds on our tree and we will continue to grow and flower with the sun, the light shining on us. We can only wake each day, or take a deep breath during the day and make that decision to keep going. Find something, even something small to be thankful for. Grateful for the scent of the opened roses, freshly mown grass, the laughter of children playing, the warmth of your husband’s hand in yours. It may even be a simple ‘thank you’ from someone for something you thought too insignificant to remember, yet it was important to them. They are often hard to remember when things feel grim, but like the turning of the seasons we cannot stop them if we continue to be mindful of everyday things and grateful that we can be resent to experience them. No, the battle may not be over, but then neither am I.

image from jbeachyphotography.blogspot.com


May you too find your heavenly fire to light your way out of the darkness, my blessings and gratitude for you will continue each day, hopefully brightening your day knowing that there is indeed someone out there who truly cares for you for no other reason that you are there.

“There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”  ~Washington Irving, The Sketch Book, 1820

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bureau with drawers open

image courtesy of dollshousespastandpresent.com

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“When they talk of ghosts of the dead who wander in the night with things still undone in life, they approximate my subjective experience of this life.
Jack Henry Abbott

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As strange as it may sound, the first physical evidence of my other worldly visitor came one sunny day when I was at home alone.  I was studying for exams and it was very quiet – without my brothers around! I was sitting in the lounge, surrounded by my books when I thought I heard a noise upstairs. At first I put it down to the neighbour moving things around, but a check revealed the neighbours were out.  Ten minutes later there was another sound, louder and longer, the sound of furniture being pushed across the floor, coming from my parent bedroom.  You simply cannot mistake the sound of a heavy bureau being pushed across the floor.

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I stopped, listened intently and was about to begin studying again when I heard one of the drawers being opened. This particular bureau was quite old and the drawers had swollen,whch meant they squealed loudly when they were opened and closed. This had now become something I was feeling decidedly ‘not amused’ about. Not only were strange and unexplainable noises coming from directly overhead but there was no-one within cooee who was at home or expected home any time soon.  Then there was a flurry of drawers opening and closing in rapid succession!

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Books closed and held tightly I sat there staring towards the ceiling. I have no idea what I was expecting to see, thankfully nothing.  Quiet ensued. I was just beginning to persuade myself that I had imagined the entire episode when the cutlery in the kitchen bureau, directly behind me suddenly rattled as though someone was rifling through them. OH NO!   I was not impressed. I couldn’t decide if I was outflanked or trapped.  The only way out was through the kitchen, right where the kitchen bureau was. This was developing into a Laurel and Hardy comedy, only I wasn’t laughing.  Over heated imagination? No-one would ever convince me of that.

someone getting a fright

image courtesy of jigsawslair.blogspot.com

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Heartbeat returning to near normal and determined to remain inside to continue studying, I had just laid out my books again when I heard the unmistakable sound of footsteps, footsteps laboriously coming down the stairs from our bedrooms. My eyes glued to the door into the lounge as I grabbed my books as quietly as I could. Why? I have no idea, my visitor knew I was there so who was I kidding?  The footsteps continued slowly as I counted the steps down.  At the bottom there was a pause. As the door suddenly creaked open I was rushing madly for the kitchen door. I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garden studying, alternately watching the upstairs windows and the kitchen door.  Whilst I saw him in my brothers window looking out I thankfully didn’t hear any further noises downstairs or near the door.

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That was my one and only scary episode. I still saw him in my parents room and the cold became even more intense from there. So much so that my mother remarked on it. They never mentioned the bureau being moved so I cannot explain it, except to say that’s exactly what it sounded like and the picture in my head bore that out.  I felt his cold ethereal presence in my room on occasion when I couldn’t sleep, or if I suddenly woke, and at those times I feigned sleep.  He didn’t make me feel comfortable enough to let him know I was awake.  It was the same feeling I got when I was walking around Port Arthur many years later, where I know unimaginable horrors occurred.

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The epitaph to the story. I learned that the previous owner had been left by his family and he had become terminally ill. He had committed suicide in my parents bedroom.  Apparently the house had remained empty for a long time, several people had bought it but hadn’t stayed long before reselling it.  The rest of my family didn’t feel or sense the unhappy fellow, although Mum made some unusual comments many years later about feeling uncomfortable in her room at night, on occasions, and how cold the room became.   If I had known then what I know now it may have been a different story.  As trite as it sounds I know I was fortunate not to ‘come face to face’ with my spirit at that time. He was upset and angry and I was ill prepared to handle that.

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Perhaps I made a small difference though. I heard from the new owners several years later that they were extremely happy in the house and there were no unusual happenings any longer.  ( A small town and everyone knows the history of  what had happened there). That being so I’m grateful I may have been of some small help to him. I know I prayed for him many times.  Perhaps that was why he was drawn to me.  I’ll never really know. It was an interesting time, exciting, a little frightening and  very enlightening.  If it happened again I would know how to handle the situation instead I made it into a comedy of errors which amused my family for a long time.

Patrick Swazye Ghost
image courtesy of  justpressplay.net

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One of my favourite films which shows Patrick Swayze about to go into the light after he had finished protecting his wife. Beautiful!

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sunrise
Whatever you do or dream you can do – begin it. Boldness has genius and power and magic in it.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


Until the middle of November we are in a time of working through old hurts, pain from the past, especially related to family issues, and I haven’t been immune to this process.  In case anyone is wondering how I know, I’ve felt mired in the past, immersed in sadness and making life unpleasant for my husband.

I’m presuming the later since he wouldn’t admit it. His response to my many apologies for my miserable attitude was simply, “I love you, I’m your husband and I want to be here for you”. Pretty cool, huh. I know I’m one very loved and lucky woman.
For myself it’s felt pretty uncomfortable.  I don’t know if I’ve managed to clear all the old hurts and sadness but I’ve certainly made a huge start.  Yesterday I started writing. It was going to be a small blog, I wasn’t in the right head space, or so I thought, to write anything larger.  Then my fingers started to run across the keyboard and my mind was in neutral.  I wasn’t thinking about what I was writing about. It felt as though it was being dredged from somewhere deep inside, a place which was full of pain and anguish and carefully hidden away from the world. My first taste of automatic writing.

ghost blog writer
image courtesy of  sem-group.net

I’m not really a sharer when it comes to those deep personal issues. Experience had taught me it wasn’t a good idea.  For most of my adult life I’ve very carefully crafted a vault, deep and wide, secured by unbreakable walls and locked in so many different ways without keys that I’d supposed no-one would be able to get in there and see what I was hiding there. Every hurt, every pain and disappointment, and every loss had been shoved, squished and poked in there and the lid battened down tight. I didn’t want to go there or look into that abyss so why would anyone else?

floating in the abyss
image courtesy of  ivonnemontijo.wordpress.com

However, for the past week or more I’ve floated in that self-same abyss during my sleepless nights and during my unwatched waking moments.   I’ve avoided answering the question of “what’s bothering you?” and tried to pretend all was well.  It appears my Higher Self had other ideas in mind. So I began  my blog and my fingers did the walking and talking.  When I had finished I knew, on some deep visceral level that it was time to let it out. It didn’t matter if anyone else read it, (except my husband),  but it was a huge release for me.

This morning I woke up in agony. Quite laughable really, but all it meant was the old pain was working its way out too. So much pain carried for so long, is it any wonder it felt so bad.  The cups of tea, lashings of hugs and love and I knew it was time to do this. I’ve really made a start to clear all that old and buried pain and agony out. I don’t need to hold onto it any longer. I’m in a safe place now and I have someone I trust to lean on and love me and let this horror loose and clear it to “the light”.

I feel lighter than I have for many years. Thank you Ray for loving me and providing a safe haven for me to “let go” and thank you Nicole Cody, for giving me so many tools and the courage to let the past go.  (The Full Moon Releasing and Becoming Ceremonies have been an unbelievable ‘key’).  Tomorrow is a brighter day, I know there are many more ‘releasings’ to happen but I know that I can do it now.  THAT, is a truly awesome feeling.

have a beautiful day
image courtesy of  mycommentspace.com

“If you paint in your mind a picture of bright and happy expectations, you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal.
Norman Vincent Peale

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