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Posts Tagged ‘Soul Growth’

A #Cup of Tea and #Peace

Image courtesy soulevolutioncenter.com.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

It’s been almost two years since I really gave serious thought and enthusiasm to writing my blog. I’ve missed it. Yet, even though I missed it, I felt there were shackles holding me back. Not even holding me back, but crushing me into immobility and worst of all, silence. Whilst I will talk in later blogs about the past two years, today I’m just setting the stage and being totally honest, a rarity in many circles.

I had a rough night on Saturday night, sleepless until dawn, although I rarely speak of it.
During my wonderfully deep sleep, I had a dream. I was on a windswept beach, a house (where I lived) in the distance and the rolling waves of the ocean coming into the bay constantly. The emptiness of the beach didn’t matter, I felt so totally at peace that it was almost like an aphrodisiac. It felt almost as if it was drawing me to it. Am I meant to simply pack up and go searching for this Nirvana like place? The idea is incredibly attractive. However, the most important fact if all was the overwhelming thought;

“I CHOOSE TO BE AT PEACE.”

It seems that most of my life I’ve been searching for that simple thing – PEACE! All the “Self Help Gurus”, “Professional Development Gurus”, “Spiritual Gurus of New Age Spirituality ” had failed to help me reach that simple state – PEACE. Yet this little dream had shown me that it was there all along and the rolling waves of the ocean had rolled back the blocks preventing me from feeling amazingly at ease within myself. It cannot be found “out there “and all the guided meditations under the sun won’t get you there until you find “YOUR KEY”.

What was the “KEY?” For me it was simply “ALLOWING”.

Strange isn’t it, until you know that for the majority of my life I had struggled to control events in order to get through each day, each challenge, and each individual moment and appear to have everything “under control”. Being in control was the sole way of retaining my sanity, or so I thought. By “Allowing”, I was allowing whatever happened to simply happen and letting it flow past in the River of Life.

I also realised I had no need to try to save or change it. My Being does not require anything other than to BE. – I have no need to try to affect it in any way, other than to simply BE true to myself and allow peace to flow over and through me at all times.

A#Cup of Tea and #Peace

Orchids always peaceful.

Now I am able to release the past in truckloads. hurts from words or deeds, done or undone are flowing past in that River of Life. I can finally release the feeling of being crushed by the virulent attack by a supposedly Spiritually Advanced lady who called herself my “MENTOR” and “FRIEND” yet dumped on me without the courtesy of seeing or speaking to me. Her heart wrenching, demeaning words have been shown to be worth less than the air time it took to send me a text message on Face Book. The accusations she accepted so readily shown to be lacking in truth, honesty and respect.

That said, thanks to her words and wounds, I have plagued and tormented myself enough by what she said, trying to understand who could have said something to make her change her opinion of me when I have known her for twenty years. Known her and shared my private information with her during a psychic session which was used to rip me apart.

Yet now it’s gone. PEACE has been granted by a higher power and I am deeply grateful for that. Universal Laws have a way and means of correcting everything. She, the apparently undisputed Authority on all things Metaphysical, “HAS NO POWER OVER ME.”

A #Cup of Tea and #Peace

Image by fantasy-wallpapers-blue-dress.jpg

“When tea becomes ritual, it takes its place at the heart of our ability to see greatness in small things. Where is beauty to be found? In great things that, like everything else, are doomed to die, or in small things that aspire to nothing, yet know how to set a jewel of infinity in a single moment?”
― Muriel Barbery, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

So, after all the hurt and pain she helped create over these past two years, I can say I am at peace. Peaceful and Content. If she should happen to see tis, or hear of it, and is able to honour her invitation – “A cup of tea at my table at any time”, then I would be delighted to accept. After all, she offered that and more several times at least.

“When I say it’s you I like, I’m talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed.”  ― Fred Rogers

Know that you are always loved.

Blessings,

Susan ❤

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“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”
Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

“What Price Trust, Respect and Communication?”

It may sound like a ridiculous question, and in some ways it could be said to be a question that is automatically answered and therefore a waste of time. After all, if you have a “significant other” in your life, then you presume that trust is one of the most important things in your relationship. It is an integral part of everything you do. Or have I misread the fine print somewhere?

I know this is something I have asked myself before, probably more than once, and therefore the answer should be in front of me. Yet, I am continually reminded by others, that life is not always so straightforward. People are seldom one-dimensional, and as far as language is concerned, what something means to one person, means something entirely different to another.

So how can we ensure that what we say and do is clearly understood by someone else? It’s really Communication 101, with a dash of Trust 201, and also Respect 301. Sounds funny doesn’t it, yet also self-evident, don’t you think?

I’ve spent my entire life working on the principle that, what I say I can be held to, at any time. I’m reminded of the film and series “Fifty Shades of Grey”. For many life is like that. (No, I haven’t seen it, but I’ve heard so much about it.) If someone can find a grey area, that wiggle room, they will exploit what they say to get round the finer points of the truth. Yet to me, the truth is all important. It is a foundation block for all life.

#trustrespectcommunication

Image courtesy of simplelifecelebrations.com

 

“Friendship- my definition- is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don’t have trust, the friendship will crumble.”
Stieg Larsson, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Think for one moment about the misunderstanding, the hurt, the pain and the betrayal, felt by individuals and you begin to realise the importance of truth and trust. You can also add ‘countries’ in this equation, as the furore over the perceived intention on someone’s words has seen entire continents go to war.

Perhaps I am the one “at fault” here. Perhaps I am too black and white, the one who cannot see the middle ground in a situation?

Yet, I’m always reminded of the old Western films, John Wayne, Henry Ford and Paul Newman; even Robert Duvall and Kevin Costner in “Open Range”. They always depicted people of strong character who were willing to die for the truth, the right, and to protect those weaker than themselves. Idealistic isn’t it?

Yet there are times when idealism is what we need to return to, in order to get our country, our world, and our relationships, out of the mire and into the clear skies once more. Are we not meant to be “smelling the roses” each day, “paying it forward”, remembering “kindness, gratitude and appreciation?” I’m surely not the only one who has become lost along the way? I should ask if I have become lost along the way.

#trustrespectcommunication

Image courtesy of crunchmodo.com

“If we can just let go and trust that things will work out they way they’re supposed to, without trying to control the outcome, then we can begin to enjoy the moment more fully. The joy of the freedom it brings becomes more pleasurable than the experience itself.”
Goldie Hawn

There was a time when I believed that family was everything, the glue which held all of us together. These were the people who, no matter what happened, you could rely on to “have your back” and help you, come what may. Yes, another idealistic outlook, but there has to be a start somewhere and if not with family, then where?

We cannot talk to each other any longer because everyone seems to feel the need to ensure they are “one better’ than you are. It makes them feel so much more satisfied if they can “blame you” for saying or doing something, even if they have no idea what actually happened. It makes me feel saddened at the loss of that family bond. I know my parents would be more than disappointed.

These simple “codes of life” apply across the spectrum, from the individual relationships, friendships to the dynamics of country interaction.

#trustrespectcommunication

Image courtesy of http://www.quoteswave.com

 

“We’re paying the highest tribute you can pay a man. We trust him to do right. It’s that simple.”
Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

In the end, I feel, we have to build trust and respect through communication. It is essential we do this if we wish to survive and bring the world forward into a better place than it is presently. Is this not the meaning of our journey here on earth?

If I say, I will tell you the story of my life, so that you can learn from it, avoid the pitfalls which brought me low, then I must follow through with that promise. I cannot decide to change my offer after I have begun, because I think I can “make more money from it” by selling it to someone else. I cannot say, I will make this promise with you, yet if another country offers me more, then I will forget our arrangement and go with the new offer.

We have to respect our own words first and foremost so that others know they can trust us. They can believe in our words because we have shown them our word is important. It was one of the founding blocks of society when we began forming societies. Respect and Trust in our Communication with ourselves and with others. I don’t believe things have changed much at all. If only everyone else understood those three little words…. We could avoid so much hurt and pain, so much bloodshed. Understanding could be second nature.

So many clichés and yet they are all true. My you find your Truth and Respect for yourself and your fellow spirit along life’s journey and learn the dance of communication to bring us closer together.

#trustrespectcommunication

Image courtesy of sherwoodfleming.com

 

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
Stephen R. Covey

 

May all our days be filled with understanding so that we can trust one another from a place of respect. Let us then communicate from our hearts.

 

Blessings,  Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson, August 2014

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“Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage — it can be delightful.”

George Bernard Shaw from his book “Back to Methuselah.”

 

Life is complex. It is rarely straight forward. Each time we look around we find that things have been either subtly changed or intricately woven into a complex tapestry. Is it strange therefore to begin to wonder the reason for this apparent random upheaval of life? Life is a character building exercise and a spiritual means of growth and learning.

Former Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Fraser, (1975 – 1983) coined the phrase “Life wasn’t meant to be easy” in 1983. Using only the first line made it sound somewhat unsympathetic, perhaps in keeping with the persona of Mr Fraser. As far as it goes, this simple statement is infuriating. Think about it for a moment. Such a simple statement of apparent fact says so much more. Each day we are faced with a multitude if decisions and situations which we have to solve in order to progress through our days.

If we accept the premise this simple statement provides we are accepting that, irrespective of what we do, life is going to be difficult. It has cemented into our sub conscious the probability that we have to fail at what we are doing, or if not fail, then we will have a really difficult time in achieving our goal. We “have” to struggle.

 

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.” -Thornton Wilder

All of life, from its inception to its last hurrah, can be filled with challenges of one kind or another. This isn’t simply aimed at an individual or a select group of people either. It can also include each and every country on the planet. Can you envision what could happen if each country developed a mindset that “Life wasn’t meant to be easy?”

We see on a daily basis the armed conflicts on a global scale, the individual and group murders, brutal assaults and acts of cruelty and terror on a major and minor scale, and if we accept the premise of this simple statement, it could be the single, most heinous excuse for every unimaginable horror which could be perpetrated.

Yet, it need not be this way. “Life wasn’t meant to be easy” because “Life is easy”. As Shaw said, but take courage — it can be delightful.” I can hear the sounds of derision even now. There is no-one breathing down our necks to make life difficult. There is no-one telling us we have to make decisions which will ensure life be will be a struggle day by day. It is true that there are horrendous events occurring each day. There are people dying as you read this, some in the most sickening manner which could be imagined. Does it have to be this way?

Do people have to be forced to live on the streets, to spend days and nights with little or no food or warmth? Do entire countries or factions need to spend their days and nights contemplating the destruction of anyone who has different ideas to theirs?

#This is Life

you are always in my heart

“You connect yourself to the viewer by sharing something that is inside of you that connects with something inside of him. All you have as your guide is that you know what moves you.” -Steven Brust

These questions can reduced to an even simpler, single question, “Does this person, or these people, these countries or factions, have the right or necessity to destroy anyone’s life? We all have an unassailable right to life, to make our own decisions and choose whether we will have a life of struggle, strife and woe or a life filled with blessings, light and ease.

It can most definitely be challenging and so it should be. Anything which we find too easy to obtain or secure, to earn or to simply be, is rarely valued. It seems that we need to feel that we have earned our right to have a sense of ease in our lives. In this, there may be some truth.

As a spirit in human form we choose what lessons we have come to this place, our home, planet earth, to learn and also how we are going to do this. There are many reasons why these lessons may be so ‘hard’. There is one school of thought which says that the harder the lesson the more we learn from it and the less time we have to spend earning our “credits” in the school of life. I’m not entirely convinced it can be as simple as this, but it does make a certain skewed logic.

Perhaps I need to have a logical reason for why things happen the way they do. The shooting down of a plane of innocent travellers. The continued conflicts around the globe which create arguments on a daily basis – the beginnings of the next conflagration.

I don’t have the answers to even the simple question of “Why is life not meant to be easy?” All I have is the sometimes tremulous belief that life is….life. In all its good and bad, the beauty and horror, it is as it is. Whether it is meant to be or not starts to become meaningless.

As George Bernard Shaw said, “Life is not meant to be easy, my child; but take courage — it can be delightful.”

Yes, amidst the horror, “life can be delightful”. I’m happy with that.

May all your days be delightful.

#This is Life

image courtesy of dontgiveupworld.com

 

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” -Elizabeth Kubler Ross

 

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson, August 2014

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Sometimes knowledge has a bitterswet taste.   #Bittersweet Moments

Image courtesy of http://www.ankuanand.com

“Finishing a book is bittersweet. You spend days getting to know the characters. Learning their nuances, their faults, their loves, their lives. They become your friends, acquaintances, enemies. And after the story ends, you miss them. You look for them in your own life, wonder where they’ve gone, you forget that they aren’t real. You fall in love with the hero and dream of him at night. The strange girl becomes your best friend. Their heartaches become your heartaches. You laugh when they laugh. And cry when they die. Eventually you realise they aren’t a part of your world, you were just briefly visiting theirs.”

Whimsical Enlightenment

Love, life, time, all have a way of taking you unawares at times. People too have a remarkable knack for tripping you up, but the best of all is memory.  We have a wonderful capacity to remember the wonderful moments and, if not forgetting, then at least “greying out” the not so wonderful times.  It’s a safety mechanism – I’m absolutely convinced of that.

Being in  a situation where you have a lot of time on your hands, after all the minutiae of each day has been finished, can allow you to review, not only your day, but your life, or at least the larger events in your life. This isn’t a bad thing, in fact it can be an invaluable tool of transformation. If there is one thing I have learned it’s that you can never stop learning. There is always something, some way in which I can be better, do something better, help someone more….. I’m sure you get the idea.

Being static is a form of ‘death’. If we are unable to continually, even in small increments, move along and be all we can be, then we are wasting our lives and our opportunities to grow. It may sound ridiculous to say that, as an adult I wasn’t to continue to grow, but what is the other option available? Stagnation – I really don’t think so.  It makes me think of mould and mildew and fungus and spores, and whilst I love certain types of fungus, I’m not overly enamoured of becoming one.  So the idea is to continue to grow and evolve.

#Bittersweet Moments

Evolution – setting the spirit inside free. Image courtesy of http://www.the-universal-link.com

Evolve, what a wonderful word that is and how much it can conjure up. When I take a look at life, from the very beginning, we can see how much life has evolved, changed and the miraculous things which have eventuated as a result of the evolution. Granted, there have been some best forgotten ways in which things have changed, but like all children, we have to make mistakes in order to learn.

This, is ultimately what I believe we are here for. We are here, on this beautiful planet, our home, to learn. We are here to grow and become all that we can be, so that as evolved beings we can go onward and create better things, better places, be better beings than we have been thus far.  Once again, it may sound far-fetched, but it is the only sound, dare I say it, even logical reason for some of the horrendous and the magical things we see happening around us.

We see people broken by events who take their own lives and sometimes those of others.  We see people spending days trying to coax stranded whales and dolphins back into the ocean.  We can see people who carelessly speed and cripple or maim themselves and others and we also see those angels who walk the earth. The people who rush in where “mere mortals fear to tread” and help care for the hurt and injured, the trapped and fearful in their hour of need, without thought for their own safety.  When you pause to consider the depth and breadth of possibilities, you have to acknowledge that it truly is inexplicable.

#Bittersweet Moments

Earth Angels. Image courtesy of Josephine wall art.com

“Happiness. Simple as a glass of chocolate or tortuous as the heart. Bitter. Sweet. Alive.”
Joanne Harris, Chocolat

I recently returned to my doctor who I have known for several decades. In fact, I think of him more like a friend than just my doctor. He knows me, my family and he has cared for me through some of the worst times in my life.  I knew he had been involved in an accident, but was totally unprepared for the sight that met my eyes when I saw him. A dog had tripped him whilst running and as he fell, awkwardly, as he put it, his thigh “exploded”. The x-ray on show bore testament to the agony he must have suffered.

His hip had to be replaced and his thigh is wired and bolted and screwed together. His shoulder is also bolted and screwed into place. Yet he was there, in his surgery, tending to his patients.  A true earth angel.  My heart clenched in sympathy to see him struggling around. My stomach knotted up with anguish as I instinctively moved to help him to get up from his chair. The irony, if I helped him we would both need help, to get back off the floor!  Yet there I was with a person I care for and could not help. I sent him Reiki, and am continuing to do so. It’s a small offering for someone who cares so much for others.

Dying Zoo Worker Gets Goodbye Kiss From Giraffe – Image courtesy of ABC News abcnews.go.com

What has this to do with “Bittersweet Moments”? Nothing and yet everything. It was a moment in time which was bitter in the knowledge that I was unable to really help another human being. It was, also a sweet moment as I realised that I cared for someone, enough to feel their pain and send them healing, as much as I could. It gave me the hope that, if we two could feel and support each other in this small way, then there is much greater hope for the larger scope of humanity.  There is the belief that, rather than annihilating ourselves and the world we live in, we may evolve and share the beauty of this world with future generations to come.

So, despite the doom sayers, I will continue to do what I can, where I can, and say a prayer of thanks for all those who do the same, in the knowledge that we are all working towards evolving into more evolved spirits, who will shine with a light and purity that will make a difference to all. This, to me, is at the core of “Bittersweet Moments”.

“When Life is Well say THANK YOU & CELEBRATE, and when life is Bitter say THANK YOU & GROW.”
Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

 

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson July 2014

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“The purpose of government is to enable the people of a nation to live in safety and happiness. Government exists for the interests of the governed, not for the governors.”
Thomas Jefferson

What a lot of Hokum for We The People.

~~~~~

I had originally decided to do a short blog and call it ‘The Spirit is willing but the flesh is Weak”. Yet the more I thought about it the more I realised it simply was a hoax. Most importantly I was simply fooling myself. It sounds so pathetic to continually say, “It’s been a bad week” or “I’ve had a rough couple of days” or any number of other platitudes.

That’s not to say that they aren’t true, it’s just that I’m tired of using the same statements as if I trot out one after the other when things are… challenging. I’m not sure quite where I am on this sliding spectrum which I use to gauge how well I’m travelling. Truthfully, I’m feeling more than a little sick and tired with being sick and tired and not really knowing if I’m on the right track.

For so long I dragged myself to the doctors and presented the same old symptoms, tiredness, aches in joints and muscles, my motivation slowly drained away as it became more and more difficult to do things. I’m a perfectionist. I’m also a control freak. I like things to be neat and tidy. I can find nothing wrong with being able to tell anyone exactly where to go to find anything they need in my home. At least I could do that a couple of years ago.

There are my detractors who accused me of OCD, but heck, at least I didn’t need to upend my home to locate a letter I need. I revel in my individuality and I don’t expect anyone else to follow suit – each to his own.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from frommylivingroom.blogspot.com                                      Everything in it’s pace and a place for everything.

Then I was told about Lyme disease. It seemed to fit so many of the anomalies in the symptoms I had. The medication protocols are – unpleasant. If Fibromyalgia causes Brain fog then Lyme – its co-infections and the medication to ‘treat’ it definitely increases it exponentially. But I’m no quitter. I’ve gone through the protocols, dragged myself in ever decreasing circles of confusion and despair trying to determine if I’m simply grasping at straws. And I’m still not finished.

I’ve blogged about it because I’ve struggled to find support groups or people who are willing to share information. How odd. Here is a disease the AMA refuse to accept is in Australia, penalise doctors who treat it and we cannot find anyone to give us recommendations to people who are helping the ‘sufferers’. Those who find these people, usually friends, or friends or friends, keep that information to themselves. Why? Is getting well to be a hoarded treasure? Bygone days of the privileged living and the disadvantaged fading away unnoticed.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from alternews.com –      Where did the floor come from?

I’m not simply tired, I’m exhausted. My arms scream at me in pain for typing, but this is my only outside contact. It’s lonely not being able to see or speak with people. One more day of crawling up the hallway is making me shake uncontrollably. Is this Lyme disease, Bartonella or Babesiosis or some other confounded co-infection I’ve yet to be advised of; or is it Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS or one of its familiars?

I was feeling blah this morning. I had several appointments and I’d had a rough night. In fact I crawled up to the bathroom and cried for about an hour. I’m not giving in, but where the hell do I go?  How do I persuade my GP to look at my symptoms differently – not simply hand out stronger pain meds that leave me FOGGY!!!

To be able to think is such a gift. To know you are making sense and perhaps helping someone who needs to read this… that is my impetus for continuing. I have no answers, just a zillion questions. I want answers because I feel the medical establishment owe us that much – and then decent treatment. I have a right to a quality of life that is good enough to let me do what I’d like without crippling me. There is no need for it. If the damned doctors and insurance companies had done their due diligence when I had my accident, my simple accident, I wouldn’t be in this predicament now. I truly believe so. I wish I could sue the bejaysus out of them.

For the first time today, I ‘listened’ to someone who had always presented a positive push for the treatments they were given, the illness that accompanied them and was able to do so many physical activities I dream of doing’. Today I listened to them bemoaning their shuffling gait to reach the beach, crying because of the brain fog, the inability to raise your head from wherever it lays, and not be able to DO anything.  I admire this person, but here they are, for the first time in my space.

I want to offer advice but I am unable since no-one shared advice with me, I have none to offer except to say, I understand, I am there still, drowning in this misery but determined not to let it win.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from http://www.bannerhealth.com                                   I’m right here, You are not Alone!

I am going to search for these mysterious support forums and try to find out if these diseases have the same symptoms or not and what works for them. I have a few answers from dear people today. Yoga terrifies me because the pain is well established but I’ll try. I may not have  an answer, but by heavens, I will control my environment as much as I can so I can enjoy, to the fullest extent, the life I have been handed. I will also pass on any information I uncover – as a reference only, to be talked over with your doctors so that perhaps, in the fullness of time, we can beat these blasted torturous diseases. Such is my hope. Such is my prayer for all of us.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from childrensbookshop.circlesoft.net         Here come the answers!

As human beings, as Spirits having a human existence we search for answers. This is a prime directive so that we can learn. There is “a strange new world” out there, “new life and new civilisations” and, even more important, “The Truth is Out There”.

#What a lot of Hokum

image from aliens.wikia.com

What more could we ask for?  Who was right, Spock or Kirk?  Does “The good of the many outweigh the good of the few” or Does “The good of the one outweigh the good of the many?

We all deserve a better future.

Blessings, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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#My Husband, # My Lover, # My Friend

Ray and I on our wedding day May 11, 2011

“This is what our love is––a sacred pattern of unbroken unity sewn flawlessly invisible inside all other images, thoughts, smells, and sounds.”   Aberjhani, The River of Winged Dreams
My Husband, My Lover, My Friend

It’s been a rough week here and although I’ve tried to play it down, inside my head and in my posts, there have been times when the thought of simply ‘giving up’ wasn’t far away.  It’s very difficult to remain positive when you wake up and the moment of consciousness brings the awful knowledge that your entire body is screaming in agony.

It’s becoming a real nightmare, a waking nightmare and this morning was the worst to date. Let me explain, although it’s really hard for me to write this. I cannot move my legs, body, head or shoulders. I am fortunate that my hands and lower arms appear to be okay. I wake up feeling as though I’m in a roasting oven, on well done!  I cannot push the covers off and I cannot get out of bed, (I can’t move).

#My Husband, # My Lover, # My Friend

image from autobio-blogs.plazilla.com

I’ve tried everything I can think of to get out of bed without waking my husband, especially as sometimes I wake really early and I’m ruining his rest. He needs it, he has to look after someone who is cranky because she can’t do the things she has previously done alone and I’m not in the right head space to “give in gracefully” and acknowledge that for the moment, this has to be my reality.

#My Huasband, # My Lover,#  My Friend

image from http://www.123rf.com Is this what is coming?

So let’s go back to this morning. I had a magnificent sleep, six hours of deep sleep. It’s a shame it was drug enhanced but I can’t fight that any longer either. But, I heard Ray get up and that was enough to wake me.  It was a world of hurt and I had no idea what to do. My entire body was locked in this agonising position and I had to move. I simply had to.

From a mental angle it is full on despair, a waking nightmare I cannot banish. Giving in is against my entire world view. I have always stood my ground, but that has become a joke since I cannot stand. Not first thing in the morning.

The first challenge is getting upright and Ray has to hold my hands and when I say “Pull” he has to pull me upright quickly. This morning I screamed as he did this.  (Going slowly is more painful.) Ray has to slowly pull each leg around until I can reach the floor and then once again, pull me to my feet. He has to make sure I don’t fall backward or forwards or I’ll be on the floor. I’ve mentioned the ‘damned stairs’ before but this morning they almost defeated me. But he wouldn’t let go, nor would he give in and we painfully made our way along the corridor.

#My Husband, #My Lover, #My Friend

image from owlsandorchids.com       Is this all that’s left?

It has brought home the simple dignity chronically ill people suffer which is taken by others as something they just have to get used to. I wonder if, in the same position, they would find it so easy or welcome! Well, we made the journey, back to bed and sitting back brought another stifled scream. (I have some pride left). It was not going to be an easy day. I swore I wouldn’t take the tablets but I was afraid, seriously afraid I might have to call the ambulance.  Maybe it’s the meds but that’s tantamount to throwing in the towel and I’d rather the unthinkable than that.

So, doped up and basically incoherent I remained in a land somewhere between reality and who knows? I do know that after Ray had left I felt someone sitting down and then a cuddling into my legs, but that’s another story.

We decided on a bath, detoxing again, but with added special things Ray thought up. He helped me to the main bathroom, (when we build I’m having a bath in the en suite!) and the most beautiful sight met my eyes. My special bath salts, lavender-scented had been liberally placed in the bath, extra Epsom salts, my coconut body wash, coconut scented body cream, candles, my bath pillow and my iPod. I could have cried. It was exquisite – and I forget to get a photo so this will have to do…

How can something so wonderful be so painful? Getting in and lying back caused another loud groan, but I wasn’t going to let it stop me. (Note to self – larger bath needed in our en suite). It was hot, as it needed to be and as I felt the warmth slowly seeping into my body, I felt a wonderful feeling enveloping me. I got my iPod and some meditation music and I was left in peaceful silence.

I came back to myself as the water lost its heat but over an hour had passed and I was a wrinkled prune – almost. Helped out and dried off and then the final surprise, the beautiful coconut butter lotion… He carefully and slowly rubbed it in from my toes to my neck and down my back. I had the most incredible massage of my back. His magical fingers caressed the painful knots and tender spots and relaxed the rest of my back. I was covered from head to toe with lotion and I felt amazing. Every muscle had turned to jelly.

Helping me dress and back upstairs we had a beautiful cup of tea.

I realised how lucky I was. I found in one inexplicable gift from the Universe, my soul mate who is my husband, my lover and my best friend. The pain notwithstanding, I realise I’m so darned lucky. To be loved and accepted by such a wonderful man, someone who not only stands by me, but helps me through my nightmare is a rare blessing. I don’t make it easy on him at times and my guilt becomes another torment. I feel stuck in this limbo, yet supported by a magical earth angel.

What more can I say? Love is beautiful and found in unexpected place and at unusual times. Enjoy it anytime you can.

#My Husband, #My Lover, #My Friend

image from 2guysphoto.wordpress.com

I feel my love flowing to all my friends out here, and to all the people everywhere. Love will eventually change our world. It is too great to ignore forever.

Blessings and love to all.

Susan x

© Susan Jamieson  2014

~

For the Love of My Life and for the Love of Your Lives, whoever they may be.

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#The Portal of the Standing Stones

callanish-standing-stones-scotland                                     Image from Pinterest

The Portal of the Standing Stones

.

Silently

She slips from between warm sheets

Quietly

She tip toes towards the door

Noiselessly

She slips through the timber door

To small whispers

Of her dress as she hurries by

Mist

Trickles from her ruby lips

As the chill air envelops her form

Moonlight

Filters softly through the trees

As she hurriedly passes along

The narrow path

Made by countless feet

Towards the eerie moors

Shadows

Mockingly shiver and shake

As she rushes by

Wreathed with mist

They appear grotesquely misshapen

Their branches seeming

To reach for her slender form

Silver moonlight

Beckons her onwards

Through the twisted trees

Suddenly

The open expanse of moorland

Beckons her frantic footsteps

Glistening brightly on the dewy grass

Moonlight

Guiding her path

She trembles

Involuntary and

Incessant

As chill fingers wriggle along her spine

Ahead

The proud shadows of the Standing Stones

Behind

The waving branches of Spanish Moss covered trees

Forward and the future

Unknown to be sure

Backwards and despair

With a man unknown

Chosen as husband, but not by she

Soft pearlescent moonlight

Shines soothingly amidst the stones

Suddenly

A dark form moves

From beside the tallest stone

The form in ghostly moonlight

Becomes the figure of a man

Dark as night

His clothing hides

His presence from the unwary

Reaching his side they blend together

Two dark shapes become one

Strong arms enfold her slender red form

As they carefully walk widdershins

Round the Standing Stones

A Pause

A glance

Each looking deeply into the others eyes

A tender smile shared

A quick kiss

And hand in hand

They walk through the arch

Of the tallest Standing Stone

One moment of this world

The next

Together in another place

No-one knows

Safe together,

Loves sweet embrace

Protects them for all time.

The Portal of the Standing Stones.

#The Portal of the Standing Stones

image from desktopnexus

Will you walk through the Standing Stones?

Bless  Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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