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Posts Tagged ‘support’

#TheTruthInside

Image courtesy of http://www.yummy-wakame.com

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
C. JoyBell C.

 

It’s no particular secret that I’ve been missing for a wee while. In itself that’s an amusing understatement. In point of fact I haven’t written anything myself since around May. That’s deliberately vague since I don’t really want or need to be reminded that I’ve left everything for so long.

I’ve had many ideas for blogs, written them out in beautiful prose, all in my head and nary has a word made it onto the blog. I’ve even begun any number of items but they’ve never reached the ‘birthing’ stage. Why?

There are a number of reasons, but the main one is simply that I felt my words were irrelevant and not worthy of taking up anyone’s time. That too raises a question, why should I think that? After all, whether anyone reads this or not, is in some respects, not the point of the exercise. Certainly, it’s more than nice if it appeals to someone, preferably several someones. Let’s face it, I haven’t lost my sense of pride, just belief that what I say, counts.

After we moved from Byron to Redland Bay I was overtaken by another bout of “what ails me”. I knew that in time it would go away. Yet I was unprepared for how long it would hang around, zapping me of energy, motivation and ultimately belief in who I was and what I was doing. It destroyed my peace and kept me anchored in pain.

#LifeCycles

The Duck Pond

Then I attended a wonderful retreat. I could hardly believe my good fortune. I could barely scrape myself out of bed before mid-afternoon each day and here I was agreeing to a program which meant I needed to be out of bed before 7am and eat breakfast – (what, food before mid-day?) so that I could start the program by 9am. None of this sounds very onerous, yet it was a huge challenge, one I was willing to push past all my boundaries in order to attend.

Things didn’t turn out quite the way I’d hoped. I upset someone, perhaps several someones and it was extremely upsetting. I was on the brink of returning home, simply because I didn’t want to ruin the event for everyone else, as it had been ruined for myself. Attempts to apologise (for what I didn’t know I had done), went horribly wrong and someone I admire greatly, who is (was?) a mentor, appears to be not now speaking to me. At least I must suppose so since my attempts to communicate have passed silently with the passing of the days. I still hope but I don’t know.

However, all the above is 2014 and now it is 2015. The energies have turned and not one thing, but everything has now changed. We, all of us, have entered a new phase. All the heavy and argumentative energies we have struggled with for the past several years have now gone and we have entered a lighter, freer period. People will change as the energies have changed. I have changed.

#MagicalPower

Clourful bejewelled dragons

Like all things throughout history, change occurs whether we will it to be so, or not. These changes are exciting and have given rise to much planning and proposal – No – I’m not getting married, divorced, separated or having a baby! I’m so pleased that’s out of the way!

There is a new website planned and a new ‘persona’ and blog. It will be good for me and for you also. I read a blog two days ago about a “Power Word” rather than a resolution, resolutions which are rarely followed. I chose two words, Attract and Create. They both fit and I’m working on a phrase to link them and yet I know I have no need to do that.

So, I’m back, in the nicest sense of the word, and I will Create blog posts as often as I can whilst I Attract what I need to Create the new website. You will be able to see it when I have Created it and its first blog.

Happy Days Everyone! Happy 2015.

May all your Blessings come to be.

#MagicalPower

Golden Sorceress, Golden Dragon

 “Dare to dream! If you did not have the capability to make your wildest wishes come true, your mind would not have the capacity to conjure such ideas in the first place. There is no limitation on what you can potentially achieve, except for the limitation you choose to impose on your own imagination. What you believe to be possible will always come to pass – to the extent that you deem it possible. It really is as simple as that.”
Anthon St. Maarten

Blessings, Susan♥

© Susan Jamieson, 2015

 

 

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#TakenBySurprise

Reflections of life

 “It was one thing to make a mistake; it was another thing to keep making it. I knew what happened when you let yourself get close to someone, when you started to believe they loved you: you’d be disappointed. Depend on someone, and you might as well admit you’re going to be crushed, because when you really needed them, they wouldn’t be there. Either that, or you’d confide in them and you added to their problems. All you ever really had was yourself, and that sort of sucked if you were less than reliable.”
Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care

Its been one of those strange periods, when you know there is something coming, something unpleasant and you would do anything to avoid it if you could….. but in the end you can’t. It rears up and engulfs you and try though you may you can only try to keep some kind of footing. Some balance as everything turns you on your head.

All month I’ve said “It’s the lunar eclipse”, “It’s the partial solar eclipse”, “It’s just the sun flares”,  and finally “It was just all the above and the planetary alignment and once October was over everything should settle back to normal. Whatever normal happens to be.” I was hoping that would be the case.

Yes, I was right and yet October isn’t quite over yet. More unexpected and unpleasant news on the health front which totally blew me away. Like so many other people I’d been caught out having a “minor episode” and my heart was showing all the signs of the problem which I’d put down to stress. It’s wonderful what stress can get up to.  Yet I’m here and when I get my head around everything I’ll hopefully be back on that even keel and have my scattered wits flowing again. Just not at the moment. I need to find a stable point and be able to hold on until the world stops turning so quickly.

The only thing which has taken me by surprise, is the feeling of being let down, abandoned, by the one person I expected to understand that I was rocked to the core by this news and I thought they would cut me just a little slack. Perhaps I expected too much. It’s been a rough ride this past year and a half, but not all of it was due to my health. I’ve been riding that wave too.

I know I’ve been unpredictable for a week or so. I also know I could have handled this better. It’s not an excuse, but losing both Mum and Dad and then my dance with illness and Chronic Pain…. I simply wasn’t prepared for anything else. My bad!

So, at present I’m feeling as though I’ve been betrayed by someone I least expected it from. I didn’t need that on top of everything else. Silly of me to think it would make any difference.  Life goes on or it doesn’t. In the grand scheme of things I’m unsure if I’d be really missed if I did ‘go’. I know that’s self-pity talking and I’ll ignore it shortly.

I’m really tired and can’t seem to relax or rest. I suppose my mind is just reeling. My meditation is helping but I don’t expect miracles in a short time…. it simply has never worked out that way. I’m getting better, but I suppose I’m a slow learner. I need to let it all out… you know, have a good cry but that’s one thing I have the most trouble with. Letting go and letting my vulnerability be seen.

For good or ill, I’m done today and this is going out as it is. This makes the first time I’ve done this….. I always sit on my post for a few hours and let the ideas settle, but I think I might be able to catch a few z’s. Maybe.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger. I’m sorry I let you down by being  human, weak and needing support. I guess I’m not as hard and unfeeling as I thought I was. Perhaps tomorrow you’ll understand that there’s only so much a person can take before something has to give… or break.

So I’ll take my “broken heart” and hide away for a while. Heaven knows you may feel better if I’m out of the way.

#TakenBySurprise

Sunrise, chasing away the darkness

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson, 2014

To image from Facebook.com

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#LifeandChronicIllness

Image courtesy of Facebook

 

“Dare to dream! If you did not have the capability to make your wildest wishes come true, your mind would not have the capacity to conjure such ideas in the first place. There is no limitation on what you can potentially achieve, except for the limitation you choose to impose on your own imagination. What you believe to be possible will always come to pass – to the extent that you deem it possible. It really is as simple as that.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

It seems like a tired old story, doesn’t it? I mean, really, how many people are blogging about their illness or how they are managing it? Is it some, a lot, or too many? Hmm. Perhaps that means there are a lot of sick people out there and they need to be heard in one way or another.

Each person has some kind of tether attached to them, whether it be an abusive relationship, family problems or stress. Whether that stress is overwork or the actual job causing the stress, or simply the pressure of being the penultimate person in life, can find themselves in a situation where their body shouts ENOUGH! If that happens, when that happens, they may find themselves with a Chronic Illness.

Our bodies are incredible organisms which can do remarkable things. We have sent our bodies to the moon and back. We have climbed the highest mountain on Earth, Mount Everest (8,848m) in the Himalayas. We have sent them down into the deepest parts of the ocean. The Challenger Deep in the Marianna Trench was first explored by Jacques Piccard and Don Walsh in the Trieste bathyscaphe in 1960. They reached a depth of 10,916 meters. We can train to become incredible athletes and we can bring life into the world. We can, unfortunately take life out of the world also in too many wars.

#Life #ChronicIllness

image from http://www.petera.se The inimitable Mount Everest

We ask our bodies each and every day to do things they may not yet have evolved enough to do, but the pace of technological advancement means we need to force our bodies to do more to keep up. We have even “beaten” to a smaller or lesser degree most of the illnesses which have killed us in the past. The problem is, we have also created a host of new ones to take their place, some by accident and some by design.

Each and every action we ask our bodies and our minds to do can lead to the organism’s failure. It may lead to our body yelling ENOUGH! If this happens, or when this happens, it may be a minor or major catastrophe.

It may be as simple as an overwhelming fatigue which can be put to rights by a good long vacation.

It may be a ‘breakdown’ which requires much longer away from work to address the issues.

It may also be an insidious invader which slowly sucks the life out of you until it is impossible to ignore. At that point you have your “Chronic Illness”.

Unfortunately there are far too many people who, when faced with a spouse, family member, friend or co-worker with a chronic illness cannot cope with even acknowledging human frailty. The only way I can describe it is that they cannot face their own possible frailty, or their own possible mortality.

#Life #ChronicIllness

image from halsamt.wordpress.com

I have seen and worked with people who have turned and walked away from loved ones because they cannot deal with illness. Ultimately, their inability to deal with the situation is reduced to one thing – fear. Fear of becoming ill themselves, of dealing with the illness, fear of being tied down because of someone else’s illness. Whatever the final key element is, it is based on fear.

I saw it many times. Saw the illnesses, saw the injured, infirm, the helpless and counseled both sides of the equation. So one would think that when faced with the same situation I would have been prepared for whatever life had to throw at me. I know I did and I was wrong. I was so wrong that it took a decade of things slowly falling apart, one illness after another, one trauma after another and down some deep well inside I kept pushing all the pain and hurt, the fear and anger deep inside and capped that well.

My mother and my children kept me anchored to my life. They provided me with the lifeline I needed to convince myself that I had everything under control. That was when my husband learned we had been told that my mother was terminally ill. Then my personal volcano started to rumble. When I stepped up to the plate to look after Mum, he decided he’d had enough and left. My volcano really started to rumble and smoke.

#Life #ChronicIllness

image from nevsepic.com.ua

Her passing was a body blow and things escalated. No-one seemed to know. They didn’t appear to see the signs of strain, or stress, or perhaps they didn’t care. They may have been too caught up in their own dramas at that point. So I tried to cap my well once more but the cracks were already there. As the saying goes, “I soldiered on” but I could feel my hold on everything slowly slipping.

I even made an escape run by going to the Middle East. I’m still not sure if I intended being able to return from that trip. Nothing fazed me at that point. No careless act was beyond the devil may care attitude I portrayed. Yet my turn had not yet arrived and I did return and for a short time it appeared as if I had managed to shore up the weakened foundations of my well and life progressed.

That was until the dramas began again, different ones but with the same stress load. I struggled to hide it. I tried to deny it. It was no use. The volcano was not going to be denied this time. Slowly and then more quickly the volcano erupted as I morphed from fit and healthy to something akin to a helpless worm. My self-esteem plummeted and my desire to fight all but eliminated. I had a small flicker of light burning far in the distance, my children and my new husband.

#Life #ChronicIllness

image from tinyhappyfarm.blogspot.com

My guilt knew no bounds. I was caught on the horns of a giant dilemma, succumb or keep struggling with this “Chronic Illness” rubbish I was bombarded with each time I saw my doctor. (Primary Care Physician for my US friends). Me, a medical research sponge, needing to know all the ins and outs of everything, prognosis, treatment, end results, could not find the damned answer.

When I was finally told I had Lyme disease I was unsure if I was relieved or not. It did not feel right and after 12 months of the most putrid antibiotics I have ever had, it was decided I didn’t have it after all. I dread to think what it has done to my body. One simple test, always done at the beginning of Lyme testing had not been done. If it had I could have saved those 12 months and perhaps started to feel better.

But wishes are only granted in fairy tales and life moves on. The results when they arrived back have turned my life upside down. Yes, it’s still a Chronic Illness, but one with far reaching ramifications, and not just for me. At the moment the volcano is still running hot, the lava is destroying thoughts and ideas and new ones have yet to be made to replace them. I need to get a handle on this monster and beard the dragon in his lair.
I need time and yet time is not a resource I have in abundance. Decisions to be made and plans to make and I’m swimming against the tide, no small feat when I can’t swim.

#Life #ChronicIllness

image from cybershamans.blogspot.com

So I ask you, the ill and infirm, those with Chronic Illnesses, the fit and healthy, I ask everyone, to be aware of the little acts you do, be aware of how much difference a small gesture can make to someone who is ill. If you are ill, learn to take pride in the fact that you CAN ask for help. If it is turned down, it is their failing; not yours. If we want our world free from illness, we need to start by understanding its ways. We need to want to beat the monster at its own game. We can, but not alone. We all need to care and work together.

Those who don’t care, do they deserve our sympathy when they crash and burn? I have no answer yet. I try each day to send love and healing, gratitude and thankfulness out into the world, even now. Perhaps it is more important now. I know there is a question within this tale and in time I will be able to answer it, but only after I have accepted it fully.

#Life #ChronicIllness

image from chronicillnessmemes.tumblr.com

Chronic Illness is not catching, but it is lonely and isolating. Please, if you remember nothing else, I ask that you remember this.

 

Blessings, Susan ♥

© Susan Jamieson 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#Pushed to the Limit

image from ogdenutahcriminaldefense.com

“Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

There are times when, irrespective of how much you try to do otherwise, you fly off the handle. These episodes are usually preceded by periods of intense pressure, things not going according to plan or life generally not playing out the way you hoped. Colloquially they are called “knee jerk’ reactions. They are usually regretted almost immediately as soon as the blood cools down sufficiently for coherent thought to return.

If, like me, that cooling off can be fairly quick, most of the time, it leads to a great deal of soul searching and castigation for behaving in a manner which isn’t liked. However, many times the damage has already been done. Trying to set things right is quite often impossible.

All my life I’ve been told I should behave in certain ways. I was “better than my protagonist” and so held to a higher standard.  “I knew better than that” and so should have controlled that impulse to retaliate.  When you are placed on a pedestal and expected to live up to everyone’s perception of who you are, it can be extremely difficult to find the real you.  You may not even recognise the‘real you’.

#Pushed to the Limit

image from cstl.semo.edu

There have been times, over the years, when that pedestal has rocked alarmingly as I tried to keep my footing living up to so many other people’s ideas of who and what I was. Can you imagine how difficult it might be to understand what you want in life when you are so busy living up to someone else’s ideal? The saddest part of the situation is that it all begins with the best of intentions.

Hard as it may be to understand I was a very shy and quiet child. Head down and mouth closed so I drew as little attention to myself as possible. Yet all the time I was trying to live up to firstly my parent’s expectations of me and later my first husband, my work colleagues, my brothers, and then it seemed everyone else. Everyone had this idea of who I was and how I would respond in certain circumstances.  My first husband had a whole list of ways in which I was allowed to behave and respond that I hardly knew who I was. Sad, pathetic but true. The fact that I did respond as they expected, because it was expected, simply cemented these thoughts in their mind. Sadly, very few of these personas held more than a grain of the real me.

Not wanting to disappoint anyone it was easier to continue to play the roles I was ‘given’. It was safer in one particular area to follow the ‘rules’ than to face the consequences. At the same time I was able to hold down responsible positions, firstly as a police officer, later as a bank official and mother, school chairpersons and so on. I wasn’t actually hidden away where it may have been easier.

Realisation, when it seeped in was the beginning of the real humiliation. Knowing I had been this milksop of a person when I could think, had opinions and could do so many things was quite devastating. The fact that my husband was a police officer meant that I had nowhere to go and no-one to go to. Who would believe me over a serving police officer? It simply didn’t happen, not when the domination is psychological and emotional.

It is still hard for me to write these words, to accept them as reality and realise what I allowed myself to become – a doormat. I was a slave programmed to perform to command. I can never look at a woman in a domestic violence situation and condemn her, man, woman or child in that situation because it can be started so insidiously that it is too late by the time you realise. I was a slave to my ex-husband’s drive to achieve financial stability. The fact that he failed to support his children after I left, usurped part of my settlement and told the children it was theirs, all added to the ongoing manipulation. He is still doing this to my children, though they are grown and through them he is doing it to me because he knows they are the only way he can reach me.

#Pushed to the Limit

image from paulissakippisms.com –

Why have I told you all this. Because if it happened to me it can happen to anyone and if someone reads this and recognises where they are in this cycle and can get out, it is worth my embarrassment. If it helps someone reach out, to me or to someone else it is worth the embarrassment. I am tired of allowing him this hold over me. I am taking my life back, all of it and I refuse to allow him the space in my mind, in my life ever again.

This is real. It can happen to anyone, at any time. Please, if you recognise someone who is drowning under this type of treatment, offer a helping hand. Tell someone in authority and help them before it’s too late.  Life is a precious gift and shouldn’t be destroyed by insecure bullies.

#Pushed to the Limit

I am a woman, flesh and bone, heart and soul.

“Every woman that finally figured out her worth, has picked up her suitcases of pride and boarded a flight to freedom, which landed in the valley of change.”
Shannon L. Alder
Everyone has the right to respect, like breathing, take it away and the soul dies. – Susan Jamieson

Blessings, Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2014

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The Sandman

Sparkles of fairy dust to drift off to sleep.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

The sandman is calling

Bye bye to you too.

It’s been one of those days I’m afraid. After quite a few sleepless and less sleep nights and days I’ve found the tipping point. The place where the decision to sleep or wake is taken totally out of my hands.  It’s good, it’s also not so good because I can’t do anything.

I finally fell asleep about 5am this morning, woke for pills, slept, woke for more pills which needed some food (a euphemism, just a cracker), slept some more, woke for a needed visit to the bathroom, slept, woke for more pills, slept some more, woke for more pills and food.

By late afternoon I realised I had better eat something a little more substantial and I found out that you can eat, by nibbling carefully, one of Ray’s bacon and egg muffins. I did blearily watch out for the egg yolk but it was kind today and there were no accidents.

A little semi conscious muttering which passed as my attempt at intelligent conversation and at some point Ray vanished after I had fallen asleep. I know this because when I woke later he was no longer sitting beside me.  Not very good in the hostess line today.  Sadly it was much later before I regained a semblance of coherence and was able to sit up and eat a calamari stir fry he made. I am so grateful he’s such a wonderful cook, cup of tea maker and all round fabulous hubby.

However, that lovely meal brought The Sandman back and my eyes grew heavy. Even the hot shower failed to rouse me again, although the darned itchy hives and stabs behind the eye came close….. I just whipped the sunglasses back on as soon as I could.

He’s very good with dictation and his typing is awesome. I did help with the images. That’s called co-operation.  So, til tomorrow…. “It’s goodnight from me, and it’s goodnight from him”. (Famous byline of The Two Ronnie’s at the end of their shows).

The Sandman

image from cheezburger.com

Wishing all my friends in blogosphere a wonderful morning, afternoon, evening, night wherever you may be. Keep the dreams alive. Without them life is truly dull.

The Sandman

image from boards.members.nutrisystem.com

Blessings Susan x

© Susan Jamieson 2013

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image from tidetheland.blogspot.com

“There are essentially two questions in life – a spiritual question and a material question. The spiritual question is ‘Who am I?’ The material question is ‘What am I to do with my life?’ One leads to the other.”
Rasheed Ogunlaru

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I found myself in a familiar place today. Not that it meant it was a good place, simply that I have been there before and recognised it. In truth, if I had a choice I probably would decide not to visit it, yet each time I do I learn something I didn’t know or had forgotten. So, in essence they are times to remember important things, and often things I haven’t wanted to learn.

The difficulty is that life is not one-dimensional. It has as many layers as an onion and people are exactly the same. I must be a tightly wound onion since I seem to be forever peeling away layers!

One doctor tells me I’m making progress, I feel like something a cat vomited under a bush and that is supposed to be good news. (Thank you Lyme disease). I can cut down on the “vomitous” drugs for a while and that’s good, yet it has also brought a gargantuan upsurge of inflammation and arthritic pain which is not so good. I know the mantra, two steps forward and one step back, and always a little more progress is made until you reach your end goal.

My end goal – wellness! Perfect health and well-being, positive physical energy, (and spiritual energy) and a return to normal activities. Simply being able to walk in the country or on the beach for more than five minutes before I have to stop will feel like I’m a captive bird which has been freed. I long to do ‘normal’ things like window shopping, going for a drive in the country without being ill for two days. Without needing a carer to watch over me. That sounds ungrateful, yet it isn’t, it is simply a desire to be free to do those things alone –  if I wished to.

Some of my most intense and beautiful memories are of lying amongst the bluebells in  my favourite meadow, my border collie by my side, watching the fluffy clouds creating pictures for me to make stories around. The gentle breeze would stir the leaves casting a mosaic of shadows around us, the squirrels would be chattering away and the birds warbling overhead making a musical backdrop. Occasionally a pair of rabbits would pop out and, being quiet, would go about their business unaffected by our presence. It was a heavenly interlude and I could feel the beat of Mother earth, my Angels and Guides around me and I was part of our great Universe. It was, and still is peace on earth.

I have different memories now. The shared joy and love of watching the glorious moonrise. Seeing the orchids and hippeastrums beginning to bud in my garden. Watching the Rosellas mating and building their nest in our nesting box. The storm clouds boiling up only to drift away and the birds drinking nectar from the flowers. New flowers I’m learning about.

Storm clouds rolling in

Storm clouds rolling in

Chasing the best nectar

Chasing the best nectar

Lady Slipper vine

Lady Slipper vine

Love is in the air

Love is in the air

I mustn’t forget all the new friends I’ve found here, through my blog. Generous people who have accepted my first steps at writing and poetry, my amateur photography and the kindness and encouragement by their visits. Its makes the difficult days easier to bear because I have something to look forward to.

Not to forget the many things I learn…that spirituality is within and it is in evidence when I look out. When the words of someone far away can touch me deeply, can bring light to a dark place and give me answers to long-held puzzles. Then there are the special people who have brought something more, with their stories, sharing their experiences and those special friendships which are found in the most unexpected ways.

I have been blessed by friendship which I thought a figment of imagination, someone with whom I can discuss the many strange things which I have seen and experienced because we have a similar ‘history’. A dear and special friend who has become, in a short time, a cherished friend. Wonderfully for me, a friend my husband and I can share in different ways.

image from damonsmithnow.blogspot.com

I had a goal when I started writing today. I wanted to paint the picture of how, from a seemingly bleak start it was possible to find that calm centre and the clarity which can come from there. The connectedness with everything around us, which grounds us and allows us the strength to find the positive amongst the dross and succeed despite the struggle.

You see, I have difficulty finding my way at times so I’m sure I’m not alone. There are days I feel so isolated I want to curl up, pull the ground over my head and hide. People I looked to for support are so busy garnering their own they are unable to spare a small measure for anyone else, not even to share a morsel of friendship or support.

I fall down and eventually have to pick myself up. I have a heart overflowing with gratitude for the unconditional love and support my husband gives me every second of every day. I know how very fortunate I am and I thank Spirit for finally bringing us together. I pray, if that is what you pray for, that you find the same. I pray you find the support and friendship I have, and I wish you the strength to get back up and keep going when the days are miserable and hard because I know that there will be an end. I know my happy place, my dreams and plans will all come to be – soon.

I believe and it will be so, because what I think, what I believe, will be. That is how the Universe provides. It creates what we think and believe. So build your dreams and hold fast to them and surely as day follows night, they will be….. soon.

image from urbanspiritual.org

I’d like to share two of my favourite quotes which help me and perhaps may help you also.

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did.”             T E Lawrence

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“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”     Helen Keller

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So dream on and believe because even one dreamer, one believer can make a difference.  Join me!

Blessings and love.  Susan x

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